Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

That's a brilliant reply @Greensleeves, I think you have summed it up extremely well. I am in the first camp - weddings are family and friend occasions where everyone can get together and have a good catch up.

and couples can lose sight of the fact that a wedding is still a social occasion with an obligation towards the comfort and wellbeing of the guests

I think weddings are for everyone not just the bride (because it's nearly always the bride who kicks up a fuss), and I agree totally with this statement.

We had family children at our wedding ranging in age from nearly two to teenagers, and it wouldn't have occurred to me not to invite the children. The parents wouldn't have been able to come if we had said no children, and there is no way I would have wanted to alienate my SIL, my auntie and my godmother.

Thank you. I was early twenties at the time. It’s like they say I guess, we live our life forwards but we only understand it looking back.

When I read this "We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family." and you said about your dad trying to control people with money, I can't help but feel that there are many layers of complexity here and one is both his inability to be respectful when others have different opinions, and either your inability or lack of desire to respect your SIL wishes. The wish not to be overshadowed by baby is odd but it's also not that big of a deal for your OH to miss the day or you to sit at the back. I think you can take steps to stop feeding this drama. Accept your SIL for who she is. You don't have to like her but you also don't have to try and get her to do things your way or get into her personal space at times of undoubted huge stress. Be civil, be polite. Maybe things will develop into more of a relationship, maybe you don't even want them to but it is very hard for people to make as big a drama by themselves and if you stop being a part of it, the drama will at least calm down a little.

@FuckNuggets
I think a mom who does not feel comfortable being separated from her infant can choose not to attend the event. That decision would have allowed her to avoid being separated from her baby and allowed the couple to have the wedding format that they wanted to have. The husband could have been in the wedding party or simply a guest at the wedding. It would have been a win for both the OP and the bride.

The other input from the other various family members was totally inappropriate. Neither the OP nor her infant added anything critical to the wedding and both became obstacles to the bride and groom having the wedding in the manner of their choosing.

Most people start off planning to have only 1 wedding but the grandparents and extended family members will have many opportunities to see the baby.

I wonder if the people cheerleading the father would be so keen on a member of their own family dictating who could and couldn’t come to their wedding.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to fund it yourself.

You don't get to uninvite people and refuse to invite others (the baby) who are closely related to the person who is funding your event. What this all boils down to is that SIL thought she could be a bridezilla on someone else's dime.

She was proved wrong and had to eat humble pie - well done your dad - but she's still playing bridezilla. Keep your distance from this nasty piece of work. She's not going to change.

I wonder if the people cheerleading the father would be so keen on a member of their own family dictating who could and couldn’t come to their wedding.

Yes, there were clearly strings attached to his financial contribution which he withdrew when it looked like he wouldn't get his own way with the guest list. OP said she would sit at the back but he encouraged her to be at the front. If SIL had been on Mumsnet AIBU regarding the inlaws making demands about the guest list and using financial "gifts" to control it she would probaby have been advised to go low or no contact with her inlaws after the wedding and she clearly did that. She didn't stop OP's brother maintaining contact with his family though so I am not sure she did anything wrong. Child free weddings split opinions here and it could be argued either way but it was her wedding so her choice and OP's family really trampled over her to get what they wanted, and they did, but can they really be surprised she clearly wants nothing to do with them now?

What on earth OP and her mother were thinking going round to her home after her father died is beyond me. The relationship was poor if not non-existant at that point so did they really think they would be welcome? Sending a card and sounding out her husband as to whether to phone her or visit would have made more sense surely.

Your SIL sounds unhinged. I would be keeping well away from her in future. I'm on your Dad's side in all this also, not inviting a DH to the wedding would be unforgiveable in my eyes. If your brother and SIL wanted the wedding all their way then they should have been prepared to pay for the whole thing - how on earth did they think your Dad would have been comfortable with putting money towards a wedding when they were prepared to treat you so badly. Your DB is also to blame for this fiasco, and if he were my DB he would be getting the cold shoulder from me too - but then I don't put up with family shit.

Hmm. I can't help but think that it's okay for the couple to ask for no children/babies at a wedding, specifically the ceremony part. It wouldn't be my choice, but it is A choice and it's valid. I can't personally imagine wanting to go to a wedding with a newborn anyway to be quite honest, especially in the heat of the summer in a venue that probably doesn't have AC.

I think your Dad shouldn't have offered to pay for something at such an important event if it was conditional. A gift is a gift, and that was probably really stressful to dump that cost back on them when he didn't get his own way with the guest list. If I was SIL's father; I wouldn't have accepted the money back either and I'd probably have felt a bit annoyed in all honesty. I'd definitely have thought that, combined with you going on about the baby at the wedding until your brother relented, meant that your side of the family was a bit odd.

Your SIL saying you ruined her wedding is a bit much. You didn't ruin it. You are trying to make things about you though; you don't accept boundaries at a wedding that isn't yours and you're barging in on someone who has just lost their father seemingly uninvited (yes, in such a time even in laws need to ask when it's appropriate to come round, not just turn up, it is rude). You should have asked if there was anything you could do (maybe practical support like childcare or shopping if you're physically up to it), and sent flowers and a card. Maybe a few follow up texts to check in. You're not doing a huge amount to make yourself and your side of the family particularly likeable are you?

Her dad has just died , l leave her be

Your father behaved appallingly and I think you brush over some elements ‘We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family.’
What does this mean? You decided at the church or prior to the wedding? Was your father standing in the aisle telling you to get up the front or did you decide this in advance?

I’m sure you’re lovely and a good person and didn’t intend for any of this but there is rather a feel that you have a controlling, bullying father and your poor brother is pushed around and threatened into submission if he doesn’t fall into line. Are you the favoured child by chance?

I think they were unreasonable to uninvite your DH and they couldn’t expect you to attend without compromise with such a young baby. But, to be honest, I would like to hear their version of this. Because god knows what else your father was doing or saying in the background.

I think they were unreasonable to uninvite your DH

I mean, that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? Who even does that - rescinds a wedding invitation to family?

Of course there will be fallout. You’d have to be thick not to realise that.

(I appreciate much of this is on the prior thread.)

I agree the SIL behaved badly in some respects but I think OP 's behaviour has been worse.

Pretty much, the rule of thumb is people get the wedding they want. It's just a wedding. You get to know the way they want their day and if you don't like it, don't attend. It really is that simple.

People make rules around their big day for a massive variety of reasons but a good guest goes with the flow. No-one is going to die because they don't get to go/take their kid/dress in purple. go and be happy or stay at home.

The background manipulation by the OP's father has been appalling. I feel sorry for the SIL in all of this and as for the treatment meted out to OP's DH? There will be a reason for it. Just because OP doesn't know what that reason is, doesn't mean the decision about him attending or not, was not the correct one.

I suspect OP knows only about 30% of the truth around all of this. There will be massive elements she is unaware of and it is human nature to fill in the gaps.

My BIL gets invited to almost nothing family wise now. It's because he is too touchy feely with the women of the family. No one has ever told my sister this fact. She could write an OP similar to this one and be filling in the gaps with all sorts of stuff. If she asked me the direct question, I would give her the direct answer. Women of all ages gets their arses and tits felt by him. It's an obsession! At my nephews wedding he offered to rent a room and asked me if I would spend the afternoon in it with him. My sister seems to have no idea he is like this or if she does know, she doesn't let on.

I am so confused - wedding ceremonies don’t last for hours and you were 12min walk from your house. Why did you want your baby at the wedding? It’s standard for people to be concerned about a baby crying during vows. And then to add insult to injury even when you got your way of having baby and husband there it would have been decent manners to stay at the back -or even your hubby stay at the back with baby incase they cried. You were lucky the baby didn’t cry but the couple would have seen you upfront and been worried that would have happened adding stress to their ceremony - so I can see why your s’n’law thinks you ruined the wedding as it was a mental stress for her during her vows.
I am someone who likes children at weddings due to making them a family affair - but couples have a choice and you disrespected their choice due to your own wants so I doubt this relationship will be repaired or it would take an apology from you. You almost imply since your son slept through out they were being overly dramatic - but things could have turned out quite differently.

@Sheisthedarkness
”Are you the favoured child by chance?“

were my initial thoughts. OP’s poor brother, caught between his family and wife to be for one of the biggest days of his life… is it any wonder they’ve distanced themselves? I’d have been going ‘let’s just get past the wedding and then we don’t have to see them as much’.

The posts calling the SIL crazy and horrible are fascinating, I just can’t see it myself.

I think now I have read on your other thread that you lived a 12 minute walk away from the church they were being married in, that you were being unreasonable to essentially bully them, along with your father, to permit your baby’s attendance.

I think it is reasonable that they didn’t want a baby’s cries interrupting their twice postponed ceremony and considering the baby’s home was twelve minutes walk away you could have sorted something very easily without turning their wedding into a huge family argument, essentially about you.

And why on earth did you and your mum rush around when her father had just died, considering the state of the relationship? Why on earth would she want to see you? You did spoil her wedding, well you certainly made it all about you. You are a self centred bully. Leave her alone. I’d have nothing to do with you either.

This.

I'm going against the grain. She didn't want baby in arms at her wedding and was punished bg removal of funds but your family insisted and went against her wishes. Your dh could have went by himself and you joined him later. However the wedding has been and gone now what is clear she doesn't like you, has very limited contact with you from all the drama. You then insert yourself in her home when she's grieving. Regardless if she was a diva she didn't need or want to see you. This isn't about you.

I am so confused - wedding ceremonies don’t last for hours and you were 12min walk from your house. Why did you want your baby at the wedding?
At that tiny age I couldn't have been that far away from mine and been comfortable. If he woke up and needed a feed that's a long time to receive a text, extract myself quietly from the church, walk home, get him fed. Far longer than I would have been OK with for a few days old. And far longer than having him with me and just cracking on with feeding him at the back.

The saying that the husband wasn't even allowed to be right outside with the baby is what tips the SIL over from being standard selfish bride to absolute bridezilla for me.

A fact many posters seem to forget and concentrate just on the wedding....

Bit of a hit and run by op eh

@Starlitestarbright

If you read the previous thread, OP originally acquiesced and said she would go to the ceremony alone and her DH would pop into the reception. That was vetoed on the basis of the fact that DH would distract attention from the bride.

SIL is obviously very insecure, self-centred and not very bright. But you would have thought that even she might recognise that FIL cannot be expected to pay for an event from which his other family member is excluded as it makes him complicit in the exclusion.

its time to step back and leave them to it. Forget the wedding that’s in the past, leave the SIL alone as she will calm down over time (but not if you prod her by chiming in).
If and when they have their own baby, SIL is likely to soften her point of view.
I don’t think you shroud ever speak of it again, it’s not worth the aggro.

There are posts on MN all the time about child free weddings and now babes in arms don't really count, especially newborns. The general consensus always seems to be that people shouldn't expect you to leave a newborn at home. Yet here we have dozens saying "you should've left the baby at home" "should've sat at the back out of the way so the bride didn't have to see the baby". What??

I get that and, frankly, I wouldn't have wanted to take my baby to a wedding; I'd have expressed milk and left her or him with dad, then gone home after the ceremony and photos.

However it was awful that your husband was not invited, even to the reception. That was such a snub! I'm surprised you went at all in the end (never mind all three of you, I assume your husband and baby were re-invited). You must really love your brother.

Your dad was manipulative but that's not your fault.

Sister in law sounds dreadful, especially shrieking at you and your mum when you went round to offer condolences. It is quite normal for family members to drop in after a bereavement. She may not have wanted it (I must admit I didn't, just wanted to be on my own), but it was kindly meant and a mature, reasonable person would have sucked it up for half an hour.

Try to keep lines of communication open with brother but give sister in law a miss, she sounds venomous.

Given the father's demands for them coming at the front it was evident they would have always prioritised them over the groom and bride. Ops dh could have taken the baby for a walk away from the church. In all honestly I'm suprised op attended. I will say this thread and your other is very indefitiyin, I'd have it removed before the media gets hold of it and creates a further shit storm to a woman who's lost her father. I think your also enjoying the drama of this otherwise why create a second thread when your not a regular mner I think you have hidden motives.