Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

I didn’t miss that it was her brothers wedding. Clue there too that it clearly not all the sil. Easy to blame the outsider though.

And as others have said the brother and his wife where 100% right about how her parents would have reacted to the baby even being outside.

The wedding is about the couple not the guests really, the couple didn’t make a stupid rule of everyone must where pink. They just didn’t want children at their wedding then where beaten into submission by ops family.

If my brothers partner had given birth days or weeks before I’ll be honest I’d expect him to be home with his partner looking after and enjoying their new baby. His presence or lack of doesn’t change my getting married.

Absolutely. She clearly thought the baby was going to steal her thunder.

Why are people making this about the baby not going to the wedding?! The baby was WEEKS old. OP just wanted to take to the ceremony as it was a newborn! Not bring to the whole damn thing. She just wanted to see her brother get married whilst also not wanting to be separated from her NEWBORN child.

True

Now it’s about op and her mother intruding upon a grieving person who does not like them. Thus bringing up old issues and resentments.

regardless of babyweddinggate op and her mother both knew they wouldn’t be welcomed due to the last two years since yet still imposed.

The wedding happened and Op and her Dad got what they wanted and the Op SIL didn't and was clearly very upset by that.

The consequence is that the SIL is reluctant to have anything to do with them. OP isn't claiming she is being nasty or imposing herself on the OP she just has nothing to do with her.

It was a pyrrhic victory they won the wedding battle and now have a very strained to non existent relationship with SIL and SIL family probably dislike them for upsetting her so much.

Knowing this it's hard to understand why her and her mother first thought was to hot foot it over to her door and wait when SIL is bereaved and going to be upset.

I think the OP had a point with the original wedding and new born baby but given recent behavior I have to think that maybe everyone round them will start to think SIL had a bloody point - maybe everything does have to centre the OP.

SIL has lost her Dad - she doesn't want to have to deal with a difficult from her view point family member she angry and hurt and doesn't need additional drama. This death is nothing to do with the OP but she managed to make it all about her - so yes best thing OP can do is leave her alone.

A lot of people don't want children at their wedding

I know and although that would never be my choice I respect it but most people who have childfree weddings make exceptions for new borns who need to be with their mothers.

I mean, if the wedding was in the UK and it was an actual wedding ceremony with a vicar/ registrar not a blessing then anyone can turn up regardless. A marriage is a public event - and outside of COVID restrictions you can't bar people from attending.

Money is clearly your God.

So many people blaming SIL when OP's brother clearly agrees with her so child-free wedding was both of their ideas.

I understand that seeing a bereaved loved one may be cultural but OP can't even ask how her brother's wife is without causing embarrassment so surely they sensitive thing to do is to ask her brother what to do. Going to her home, her safe space, is surely the worst idea ever. If culturally a meeting had to happen then surely it is more sensitive to do on neutral territory. SIL was never going to ask OP and her mother to stay and help out.

It is immature to worry about a baby stealing the limelight but OP's father ended up being far too over bearing and I can see why SIL wouldn't want contact. OP basically got her way thanks to her domineering dad and SIL must have got a shock on the day when OP was sat with the baby at the front. While OP is in the majority of parents who would take out a noisy child, many parents don't and based on what we have heard about OP's dad I would bet on him being the type who thinks that OP and the baby should stay.

This is exactly what I think.

OP seems very “Me! Me! Me!”.

I think it’s downright cruel to turn up when her father has just died, knowing you aren’t wanted there, but now OP will be able to say to all her family and friends that she was being the bigger person and offering condolences but had it thrown back in her face. OP will then get yet more sympathy, instead of the grieving SIL.

She's obviously grieving and anger, irrational or not, is part of that process. Just give her some space and don't feel bad about it. It's a massive overreaction on her part but it could be that it mildly annoyed her but in her grief that's coming out as you and your parents being monsters. Equally it xould be that she's still angry about it, in which case still don't worry about it because she is a drama queen. Who cares if the baby was there or not?

People that talk about others (babies, pregnant women, people with a dramatic haircut etc) being a 'distraction' at weddings are usually self obsessed and immature. If I was getting married I couldn't care less if a relative turned up with a new baby and my relatives wanted to see it - i wouldn't feel it was critical that all eyes were on me all day long. Clearly she felt otherwise!

We have given DD money for her wedding. We haven't put strings on it. It is hers/theirs to use as she/they want.

Withdrawing the offer of money was no doubt hugely hurtful. I can easily see how the anger would be directed at OP and her DM and in SIL's shoes I would assume they were aware.

Even if there is a cultural element to visiting a bereaved family, OP was always going to be damned if she did and damned if she didn't. Being damned in absentia would have been kinder.

I think your SIL is being quite mean; if it were only right now, she might be excused on the grounds of the bereavement; but it seems to be a long-term thing.

However, your father has behaved even worse, by financially threatening them, and by not even letting you know that he'd done this. He really dropped you in it, and perhaps had good intentions, but made things far worse.

👍 Presumably he offered the money because it was his child's wedding. I guess he didnt think how this affected his son was important.

I absolutely hate 'condolence visits' from people to whom I'm not close, and would quite possibly have said something like, 'Sorry, right now I need to be left alone', and shut the door. But even so, I would not go into a rant about all my grievances!

I highly doubt that everyone talking about "it's cultural in some places to visit grieving family" actually counts in people who don't have good relationship. It's notmal where I am from to viait and offer condolences if you can. It certainly still wouldn't be welcome from family members who we don't have good relationship with AND unannounced on top of that.

Without knowing everyone involved it does seem that your SIL is a bit of a drama queen however its not unusual to request a child free wedding. Your brother could have attended alone. Reading between the lines it sounds like your SILs take on the whole thing was that you and OH had some how got your father on side and jos threat to withdraw money was your doing. She likely begrudgingly agreed to your baby attending as they were unable to muster up the money for the band at such short notice then her parents paid. The rejection of your dad's money was a statement. All she will remember is the additional stress it caused and you and your baby were central to it hence frosty reception every since.
Bearing all that in mind I think you were incredibly thoughtless to turn up at her home at such a sensitive time. You know she doesn't particularly like you. Why on earth would she want you there? You're hardly in a position to offer love or support.
Just let it go. Maybe over the years your relationship will improve and hopefully your children will get to know their cousin.
Has your brother spoken to you since? I'm also surprised neither your dad or brother mentioned the incident with the wedding money.

I had a friend who had a fit someone brought a 2 day old baby to her wedding, ‘they’ said they were still attending. She interpreted that meaning they were ‘leaving it somewhere’.
The thing is she didn’t know until late into the evening as baby was in a sling and never made a sound.

2 years later she had a fit because her 6th month old wasn’t invited to a wedding.

I think some people fall out with you, because they want to. I’ve had 2 experiences of this. Including our BIL/SIL who took offence over something ridiculous and used it as excuse to fall out with us and the relationship has never recovered.

When someone is newly bereaved it is always best to check with them, their spouse or other person who is the closest to them when is a good time to visit. It’s never a good idea to “drop in” on the newly bereaved and there is a very good chance they will not be able to control their emotions especially if you have unresolved relationship problems.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Does your brother ever bring him when he visits?

My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony
We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family.

Why didn't you tell your dad no that you would stay where you were so that you could exit quickly if necessary?

Easy to say what you 'would' do in any given circumstances.

Her father's death was sudden. To lose someone in these circumstances you are broadsided by shock as well as grief. Grief isn't rational, therefore people who are newly navigating such circumstances are, quite understandably, not always apt to be rational. I speak from personal experience.

From SiL's perspective, she's had her wedding dictated to by overbearing in-laws and hasn't been particularly keen on seeing them since. It's a pretty foregone conclusion she will hardly want them rocking up at one of the most painful and vulnerable times of her life.

Excluding their nephew from their wedding for the reasons given by DB doesn't cover them in glory and superficially appears churlish and rather pathetic. That's without an insight into the family dynamic which this thread now helpfully provides. The father clearly supports his daughter at every turn; the prioritizing of her feelings over his son's on his wedding day from the financial emotional blackmail to shoving his oar in with the seating arrangements, is revealing. If this has been their usual family dynamic then it goes some way to showing how the son wanted this, of all days, to be about them personally.

Even allowing for this it's still pretty pathetic to exclude an innocent baby on this account, but the father's actions in bulldozing over his son and his fiancée puts him further in the wrong than they were in the first place. On balance my sympathies still tilt more toward the bereaved SiL, especially in the light of what would only ever have been an unwelcome intrusion into her grief.

She isn't listening to explanations or apologies and has blocked any further contact. This is more than understandable.

Nobody behaved well in all of this, but OP's father clearly behaved the worst.

My friend had issues with her MIL in the run up to the wedding, and though they had children in the wedding, they asked that any children be removed if they made a peep.

Instead you can see in the wedding video, the MIL spends the entire service making faces and encouraging chatter from her grandchild sitting four pews behind. I hardly heard a fucking thing.

I'm getting similar vibes. Sometimes it matters less who starts the bad behaviour, it matters how badly someone chooses to react, and the dad did nobody any favours by stirring the pot the way he did.

No one in your story is behaving like an adult. Your SIL was unreasonable to uninvite your DH. That was batshit crazy rude. You didn't behave great either, bringing baby, sitting at the front. Your family put a big shadow over her wedding and she, rightly, resents you for it. You had no business going round her house. If I had just lost my dad, my batshit SIL who ruined my wedding would be the last person I'd want to see.

I like the sound of your Dad. I'm with him.