Page 6 | Aftermath of brother’s wedding

HuxleyDog · 2023-04-20T09:11:03+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog]] I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago. After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding. They now have a lovely five month old baby! Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed. My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about. It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money. None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing. I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

QueenSmartypants · 20/04/2023 13:47

I agree several people have behaved badly here but I dont think it's the op who continually tried to accommodate the sil sensitively. And while I agree with comments about her father's actions, it is nice to see that some parents stand up for their children in the face of daughter in laws being manipulative- I know a few people where their parents have done the opposite and it's actually led to more pain all around than if they'd stood up in the first place.

I actually don't think the op did anything wrong in going round to offer condolences. Dont forget she was in ignorance of the additional drama around the wedding day. She did the appropriate thing given what she knew at the time. Read enough in-law threads here to know that some people would take equal offence if they hadn't had a prompt visit giving condolences in person.

The op and her sil are clearly very different people and the op is being confronted with that.

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:47

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WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 13:47

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:39

Yet the OP already stated that her DH would have waited outside the church with the baby, but they wouldn't allow that either!

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The OP states in her other thread that the brother and SIL wouldn’t allow this because they thought his parents wouldn’t be able to resist bringing them in. Given that a) when the OP and family did end up coming to the ceremony, the father “insisted” on them coming to the front and b) we now know the father withdrew his contribution when he didn’t get his own way over the guest list, I think their prediction was probably correct.

Emigratingimmigrant · 20/04/2023 13:48

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:44

@CremeEggQueen we're taking about a newborn here not a 2 year old! And it's not some casual acquaintance, it's the groom's sister!

Tbf the kid is currently 2, isn't it...
😂

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2023 13:48

From what I have read, the only person who has behaved themselves is the baby!

@Kickingupmerrybehaviour I think your post shows a lot of emotional intelligence. It takes a lot of courage to admit even to ourselves that we have behaved badly. It isn't possible to go back in time and unsay things (I wish I had that superpower). All we can do is do better in the here and now.

FannagBeg · 20/04/2023 13:49

ColadhSamh · 20/04/2023 13:31

Visiting the bereaved asap after a death is the very least that is expected in some cultures and is seen as a major insult not to do so.

Just because it isn't what some do doesn't mean it's the norm for everyone.

Yes, absolutely. Especially if you're Irish and/or Jewish (where aninut means to my female relatives at any rate 'get in there early, get involved).

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:50

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/04/2023 13:36

Honestly, it's your SIL i feel for. You said yourself you got your wedding the way you wanted it, she got anything but. Covid happened and they had to cancel their original wedding, then the first reschedule too. New date is a weekday, which probably meant some guests could no longer attend. Your brother lost his job, no doubt causing a ton of stress, and possible cut backs to the wedding, further making it not what they originally wanted. Then you are due to have a newborn, and she's worried her wedding day will be overshadowed by everyone being more focused on meeting the baby instead of it being a celebration of her marriage. Also not wanting vows etc interrupted by a crying baby, they chose to not invite baby, and also didnt like idea of your dh waiting outside with baby or bringing baby to reception, for both reasons already stated. You kicked off, and got your dad involved who then pulled financial contribution if you didn't get your way, further changing their wedding from what they had wanted as they now couldn't afford everything planned. They relented under pressure and compromised on you being invited, on the promise you'd sit at the back, and take baby out if they acted up. You then sat front and centre, where any need to remove baby would have been a major disruption, just because your dad said you should, when it wasn't his wedding or his bloody place to invite you up front!
No wonder the poor woman feels you ruined her wedding, you had a massive negative impact on it and she was effectively bullied into changing what she wanted that she'd already massively compromised on, just for you to still push her boundaries to do what you wanted.

On top of all of that, knowing she doesn't like you (for good bloody reason) you show up at her house when she's just suffered the worst loss and grief of her life, injecting yourself and making that about you too. I honestly cannot get over the sheer entitled cheek of you, that poor woman. If her husband is embarrassed of anyone and their behaviour, it should be you! You owe that woman one hell of an apology, then leave her alone.

I find it strange that any normal person would defend someone who actively bars a new born baby from a close relative. Not to mention that this newborn baby is her fucking nephew! Are you as batshit as the SIl sounds? It seems so.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:50

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:39

Either the SIL is spamming MN through a bunch of sock accounts or there are a lot of other women out there who are self-absorbed to the point of derangement.

Yes, this!

PollyPeptide · 20/04/2023 13:52

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/04/2023 13:36

Honestly, it's your SIL i feel for. You said yourself you got your wedding the way you wanted it, she got anything but. Covid happened and they had to cancel their original wedding, then the first reschedule too. New date is a weekday, which probably meant some guests could no longer attend. Your brother lost his job, no doubt causing a ton of stress, and possible cut backs to the wedding, further making it not what they originally wanted. Then you are due to have a newborn, and she's worried her wedding day will be overshadowed by everyone being more focused on meeting the baby instead of it being a celebration of her marriage. Also not wanting vows etc interrupted by a crying baby, they chose to not invite baby, and also didnt like idea of your dh waiting outside with baby or bringing baby to reception, for both reasons already stated. You kicked off, and got your dad involved who then pulled financial contribution if you didn't get your way, further changing their wedding from what they had wanted as they now couldn't afford everything planned. They relented under pressure and compromised on you being invited, on the promise you'd sit at the back, and take baby out if they acted up. You then sat front and centre, where any need to remove baby would have been a major disruption, just because your dad said you should, when it wasn't his wedding or his bloody place to invite you up front!
No wonder the poor woman feels you ruined her wedding, you had a massive negative impact on it and she was effectively bullied into changing what she wanted that she'd already massively compromised on, just for you to still push her boundaries to do what you wanted.

On top of all of that, knowing she doesn't like you (for good bloody reason) you show up at her house when she's just suffered the worst loss and grief of her life, injecting yourself and making that about you too. I honestly cannot get over the sheer entitled cheek of you, that poor woman. If her husband is embarrassed of anyone and their behaviour, it should be you! You owe that woman one hell of an apology, then leave her alone.

Nicely summarised. It does sound like the sil was hard done by when you read it like this.
The ops dad sounds like a bit of an arse really.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:52

@WomanStanleyWoman2 I've no idea! 😂 Sorry, I think I quoted the wrong person.

CrackerAndPudding · 20/04/2023 13:57

I think everyone bar the baby has behaved poorly at one point or another.

*They were rude to uninvite your DH

*Your father shouldn't have used a gift as leverage/punishment and kept that from you

*You going to the front with the baby after several strained conversations about where you'd sit and slip out was a dick move

*In lieu of a cultural background not mentioned "immediately" going round to the house of a bereaved woman who has avoided you for 2 years and your brother was uncomfortable talking about with you was a dick move. Based on your SIL's reaction it doesn't sound like this was something that is normal/to be expected in her culture either

It's weird that you repeatedly say concessions were offered like standing outside but weren't accepted because your family would insist your DH came in, or the baby would end up at the front - and then the baby did in fact end up at the front. It sounds as if you're not an adult with your own autonomy and accountability for your own decision making.

I'd give her space and focus on maintaining your relationship with your DB.

PollyPeptide · 20/04/2023 14:00

I actually don't think the op did anything wrong in going round to offer condolences. Dont forget she was in ignorance of the additional drama around the wedding day.

I think if your sil never accompanies your brother on visits and he's so uncomfortable even talking about his wife with you that you stop bringing her up, that's a good indication that you should clear it with your brother before turning up uninvited.
It does seem like the op is stumbling through these events completely oblivious.

Greensleeves · 20/04/2023 14:08

RampantIvy · 20/04/2023 12:25

Why are today's brides so self absorbed that they hate the idea of that a baby (in this case a very tiny baby) might cry out during the wedding? Does it really matter?

I wouldn't have given a fig if my nearly two year old niece had cried at my wedding. Although, I also know that SIL would have done her best to quieten her down.

I think it's a genuine gulf between two separate visions of a wedding, its purpose and how it should look. To many of us, weddings are about family and friends gathering together to celebrate the couple's happiness, it's a knees-up and a festive occasion, it's generally noisy and a bit chaotic. In my family (enormous, Catholic, largely Irish) parents would of course take a screaming baby out if it was ruining the ceremony, but the odd gurgle/comment/general people-noise from babies and toddlers doesn't even register. My adorable baby cousin farted during the vows, the priest got the giggles and so did we. It didn't spoil anything. Everyone who loved us was there, warts and all.

Then there are people who see a wedding as a performance, their chance to create a perfectly curated tableau that represents them as a couple down to the last detail - chair covers, photos, sweet buffets, doughnut walls, individualised favours, photo booths etc (I'm not knocking any of that, I think it's really creative), but it can become a bit brittle, and couples can lose sight of the fact that a wedding is still a social occasion with an obligation towards the comfort and wellbeing of the guests. I've heard many stories of couples getting enraged because guests don't want to leave their children with a stranger in a hotel, or "amuse themselves" in the middle of nowhere for three hours because they're not invited to the meal, or attend with one child who is required to look pretty in a dress while making other arrangements for the rest of the family. There needs to be a balance between the "it's OUR DAY!" thing and the basic duty of care of a host towards guests. Excluding a very small baby, IMO, is going too far, as is disinviting someone's spouse out of spite and saying that he can't wait outside the church with a baby who will need its mother/feeding.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 20/04/2023 14:09

From what I can make out, the wedding drama was two years ago and relationship with SIL has been strained since. (I know you said in your original post there was no back story but maybe there was a personal back story with your SIL at the time, that she didn't disclose)
In your current situation, I would have probably have reached out by sending a sympathy card and letting her know I was there if she needed me but its done now.
Bereavement affects everyone in different ways, especially the death of a parent and there is a huge difference between this and the wedding story, so try not to blur the two and just move on with your life.

InSpainTheRain · 20/04/2023 14:10

So much drama! Honestly I would just withdraw from it, enjoy my own small family (DH and DCs) and no one else. Stop trying to contact your brother and SIL and distance yourself from parents otherwise it'll never stop. I would definitely be finding interests outside my immediate family!

PollyPeptide · 20/04/2023 14:12

Stop trying to contact your brother

Why would she cut off her brother when she has a good relationship with him and he comes round to see her of his own volition? 🤔

Naunet · 20/04/2023 14:18

God, I’ve got no time for dramatic twats like your brother and his wife (although in her defence, it is interesting to see so many women solely blaming your SIL for the rules etc, rather than both of them). I think I’d just back right off and keep them both at arms length.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 14:24

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 11:23

I know it won’t be a popular opinion, but I think what your dad did was incredibly manipulative. You either want to contribute to your child’s wedding or you don’t. You don’t threaten to withdraw “funding” like you’re withholding pocket money from a naughty child.

It’s a bit late for your dad to be “genuinely upset” now - especially given that he’s standing by his manipulative behaviour. Clearly no lessons learned here.

I’d say op is clearly cut from the same cloth as her dad.
Both of them manipulated the bride and groom to get their way, on someone else’s wedding day no less.
Just read both of the threads and how she’s making herself to be the innocent victim, got her way at the end, harrass the SIL and now can’t understand why she’s treated ’badly’.
And now tries to get the internet be on her side and feel sorry for her!

It’s crazy!

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 14:34

JackHackettsMac · 20/04/2023 12:12

Oo, Bridezilla alert!

‘Poor woman’? 🤦🏻‍♀️

A wedding is meant to be about the joining of two families, not playing at being Queen Arsehole for the day.

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🙄

What brizella? Who, you?
Such misogynystic term.

Yes, poor woman, all the drama because selfish op.

I’d say it was the op and her dad being king and queen of arseholary, and not only for a day, seems to be permanent.

Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2023 14:35

He didn’t withdraw his funding over something where he was trying to exert undue control like roses vs lilies or if they should have sugared almonds. He withdrew funding because they basically disinvited the sister of the groom by refusing to let her attend with her days old infant.

He thought he was contributing to a wedding that would include the immediate family. That wasn’t the case as the sister of the groom was effectively not invited. He logically would not contribute to the event that was occurring.

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 14:36

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 14:24

I’d say op is clearly cut from the same cloth as her dad.
Both of them manipulated the bride and groom to get their way, on someone else’s wedding day no less.
Just read both of the threads and how she’s making herself to be the innocent victim, got her way at the end, harrass the SIL and now can’t understand why she’s treated ’badly’.
And now tries to get the internet be on her side and feel sorry for her!

It’s crazy!

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Her dad probably offered the money because he thought it was a family wedding. Not inviting his son in law showed that BIL didn’t see it as a family wedding so why should her dad contribute?

MsRosley · 20/04/2023 14:37

Mirabai · 20/04/2023 10:51

Life is too short for twats such as this. Your parents seem like decent people, I admire your dad’s balls. Stick with your parents and don’t bother with your bro and his moll.

On the money. Stop wasting time with narc nonsense.

Emigratingimmigrant · 20/04/2023 14:44

Some people seem to have missed the death of a parent it seems...
Yes, poor woman having drama dragged up immediately after bereavement...

As I said, the diversion and distraction worked because if OP wrote "SIL and I have basically no relationship after previous issues, haven't seen each other 2 years and she is avoiding me. Her dad died so we immediately rushed in there without calling ahead, waited because she was out with her mum, and she lost it. WIBU to go?" OP would most likely be the one called deranged and whatnot🤷🏻

Turfwars · 20/04/2023 14:46

Well, I've someone who caused a shit load of drama prior to my wedding and on the day itself.

There's been loads of selfish behaviour over the years prior to that though so we were half expecting something, but she outdid herself. I'm finally done with her and it's not about the wedding day tantrum, that was just the cherry on top.

Is there a chance that there were a few other incidences prior to the wedding where SIL /DB clashed with you and then it seemed that the wedding drama was just more of the same?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 14:46

mainsfed · 20/04/2023 14:36

Her dad probably offered the money because he thought it was a family wedding. Not inviting his son in law showed that BIL didn’t see it as a family wedding so why should her dad contribute?

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Build whatever narrative you need to.
It’s still a total dick move.
He’s a prick.