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Original poster

Aftermath of brother’s wedding

373 replies

HuxleyDog · 20/04/2023 10:11

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

OP posts:
Hadjab · 20/04/2023 13:30

ejbaxa · 20/04/2023 11:31

It’s not fine not to want your sibling’s days old baby at your wedding. It’s fucked up, self absorbed and immature.

You're 100% right - it is fucked up, self absorbed and immature to not want your sibling's days old baby at your wedding.

ColadhSamh · 20/04/2023 13:31

Visiting the bereaved asap after a death is the very least that is expected in some cultures and is seen as a major insult not to do so.

Just because it isn't what some do doesn't mean it's the norm for everyone.

Wheresthebeach · 20/04/2023 13:31

I think you were totally unreasonable to show up, unannounced to see your grieving SIL when you have a strained relationship. Very intrusive and incredibly insensitive.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:33

CantAskAnyoneElse · 20/04/2023 11:18

Just leave them alone.
Sounds like they have been trough enough without you forcing a relationship with them.
I know MN goes crazy when babies aren’t invited, but I don’t see that they did anything wrong, then you very being drama queen and entitled, your father sure did not help and they didn’t get the wedding they wanted - which is, or should have been the only thing that matters.

I’m sure your pleased since you got your way and now can play even more of a victim.
Also, why did you went to her house after SIL losed her father, surely you and your mother had to know she wouldn’t have wanted to see you? After a sudden and huge loss?
Seems like you two wanted to create a bad situation/hurt her even more.

Just leave the poor woman alone.

You do realise that the baby in question would have been no more than a few weeks old, possibly even only days old when this was all discussed, right?

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:35

OhmygodDont · 20/04/2023 11:30

I think you/your dad made this problem to start with.

It’s fine to not want babies/children at wedding.

Your dad pulled funding because you/him couldn’t get your own way, you where then meant to sit at the back but again your dad pulled you to the front, then a women you know clearly isn’t keen on you father dies and you and your mother go and sit waiting in her home and expect her to be happy to see you.

Just leave her alone. You got what you wanted isn’t that enough.

You really think asking OP to leave a newborn baby at home to attend the wedding and disinviting her husband is a perfectly normal thing to do? You realise the groom was her fucking brother?

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:35

ejbaxa · 20/04/2023 11:31

It’s not fine not to want your sibling’s days old baby at your wedding. It’s fucked up, self absorbed and immature.

Fucking hell, yes this exactly! 👏🏻

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/04/2023 13:36

Honestly, it's your SIL i feel for. You said yourself you got your wedding the way you wanted it, she got anything but. Covid happened and they had to cancel their original wedding, then the first reschedule too. New date is a weekday, which probably meant some guests could no longer attend. Your brother lost his job, no doubt causing a ton of stress, and possible cut backs to the wedding, further making it not what they originally wanted. Then you are due to have a newborn, and she's worried her wedding day will be overshadowed by everyone being more focused on meeting the baby instead of it being a celebration of her marriage. Also not wanting vows etc interrupted by a crying baby, they chose to not invite baby, and also didnt like idea of your dh waiting outside with baby or bringing baby to reception, for both reasons already stated. You kicked off, and got your dad involved who then pulled financial contribution if you didn't get your way, further changing their wedding from what they had wanted as they now couldn't afford everything planned. They relented under pressure and compromised on you being invited, on the promise you'd sit at the back, and take baby out if they acted up. You then sat front and centre, where any need to remove baby would have been a major disruption, just because your dad said you should, when it wasn't his wedding or his bloody place to invite you up front!
No wonder the poor woman feels you ruined her wedding, you had a massive negative impact on it and she was effectively bullied into changing what she wanted that she'd already massively compromised on, just for you to still push her boundaries to do what you wanted.

On top of all of that, knowing she doesn't like you (for good bloody reason) you show up at her house when she's just suffered the worst loss and grief of her life, injecting yourself and making that about you too. I honestly cannot get over the sheer entitled cheek of you, that poor woman. If her husband is embarrassed of anyone and their behaviour, it should be you! You owe that woman one hell of an apology, then leave her alone.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:36

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 11:38

Huh? Are you the SIL?

Why does someone ALWAYS do this on divisive threads? MN has millions of users; even a largely one-sided debate (which this isn’t), there’s usually at least someone who goes against the grain. The likelihood that the actual SIL just happened to be on MN within an hour of the original post, rather than it just being another user who disagrees with the OP, is minuscule.

Plus, there’s the minor detail of the SIL being ever so slightly distracted at the moment given her father has just died.

Would you leave your newborn baby to go to a wedding?

CoozudBoyuPuak · 20/04/2023 13:37

shintyminty · 20/04/2023 10:57

This.

Show quote history

this

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:38

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 20/04/2023 11:53

I think what all this boils down to is you wanted to be the centre of attention with new baby at her wedding and she wanted to be the centre of attention.
My ex sil and I had equally awful squabbles and family falling out over our weddings and babies. I will admit there was jealousy and attention seeking involved on both our parts. Looking back now ten years on I am deeply ashamed of myself. Deeply. I’m divorced and remarried but if I ever saw her I would say sorry. Take a good honest look at what your motivations actually are in doing things and try to be the better person. It would be much nicer if you could make a friend of her.

Imagine being the type of adult who so insecure you're jealous of the attention a newborn baby would receive! JFC! 🤦🏻‍♀️

CoozudBoyuPuak · 20/04/2023 13:38

Sorry didn't remember it would only show the last quote. Meant

This:
@MatildaTheCat
Someone so unreasonable is very unlikely to become reasonable after a major bereavement. Leave her to it and maintain your relationship with your DB as best you can.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 13:39

Your SIL sounds vile. Keep a relationship with your brother but have nothing to do with her.

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:39

Either the SIL is spamming MN through a bunch of sock accounts or there are a lot of other women out there who are self-absorbed to the point of derangement.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:39

TheBirdintheCave · 20/04/2023 12:10

@sweetgingercat Well it's for the reasons you stated. My husband and I didn't want to have to shout our vows over the noise of babies crying or have interruptions of children and toddlers running around. We had an adults only wedding and it was really lovely :) Also, we only knew about five children at the time so saying 'no kids' wasn't a huge imposition on our family and friends.

Yet the OP already stated that her DH would have waited outside the church with the baby, but they wouldn't allow that either!

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 13:41

Is this place overrun by sock puppets?!!

KnittingNeedles · 20/04/2023 13:41

I've not long lost my dad too - for context. Had my sister-in-law, who I have had issues with in the past, rushed over immediately I would not have been best pleased. She's right - her dad is not part of your family and the last thing you want (or at least the last thing I wanted) was to be deluged with well-meaning but relatives who didn't need to be there.

Agree with everyone else - cool the relationship with them both.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 13:42

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:39

Either the SIL is spamming MN through a bunch of sock accounts or there are a lot of other women out there who are self-absorbed to the point of derangement.

Or a lot of people who don’t agree with your point of view.

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:43

Mari9999 · 20/04/2023 12:48

Who assumes that because you have a young baby that you should be able to take it to any social event of your choosing regardless of the feelings of the host???

This situation shows the pettiness and pointlessness of nurturing grievances as though they are valuable heirlooms that are going to increase with meaning and value over time.

You have attempted to express your condolences. There is nothing else that you can do.

You think it's fine to insist on separating a mum and her newborn baby then? Not even allowing her husband to stand outside the church with the baby is normal behaviour?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 13:43

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:36

Would you leave your newborn baby to go to a wedding?

Show quote history

What’s that got to do with my comment?

PollyPeptide · 20/04/2023 13:44

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 20/04/2023 13:04

Her father died and someone she doesn’t get on with (you) turned up straight away?

I don't particularly get on with my SIL she had the photographer cut me out of all the official wedding photos! but I was really upset and pissed off that she didn't make any effort when my father died. It wasn't just me it affected, it also affected her brother (my husband) and her supposedly much loved nieces. It's normal and arguably expected for family to be present around those sorts of times unless you're already in conflict with them. The OP didn't know she was in conflict with SIL and her brother didn't give a heads up that was the case.

She did know there was a problem with her sister in law because her brother visited regularly and his wife never came. And when she tried to talk about her sil, he was ill at ease and embarrassed and tried to avoid doing so. So much so, the op felt she shouldn't talk about her sil anymore. I think most people would pick up there was conflict involved there. Especially following on from all the shenanigans around the wedding.
It's not expected that a woman who does not make contact with you would want you to show up at her house when she's grieving. You ring to give your condolences and make arrangements from there.

Sugargliderwombat · 20/04/2023 13:44

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that someone you don't see or ask after, loses their dad and you go straight over?! Wtf? Why?!

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:44

@CremeEggQueen we're taking about a newborn here not a 2 year old! And it's not some casual acquaintance, it's the groom's sister!

Emigratingimmigrant · 20/04/2023 13:44

FrostyFifi · 20/04/2023 13:39

Either the SIL is spamming MN through a bunch of sock accounts or there are a lot of other women out there who are self-absorbed to the point of derangement.

Do you think it's self absorbed to say it's not ok to unexpectedly deop on grieving person who you don't have good relationship with?
K

FuckNuggets · 20/04/2023 13:47

Seaweed42 · 20/04/2023 13:16

I think it was a bit presumptous to call around to SIL immediately when she had just lost her Dad.
Would you not text beforehand to arrange a suitable time, rather than just drop around to the house like that? You can't really doorstep people like that, it's not fair and it's controlling to be honest.

Was that your mother's idea?

It sounds like your parents are quite controlling.

Your BIL has found a controlling woman to look after him and tell him what to do.
That tells us something about your mother.

Your Dad had contributed money to his son's wedding. Regardless of any squabbles he shouldn't have messed them about like that playing games with your brother and the money. That's emotional manipulation.

Can you not see how someone might not want a tiny newborn baby, probably the first grandchild or the only child in the church, sitting in pride of place when it's supposed to be the other person's big day? I sort of get where she is coming from.

Does your brother maybe keep trying to keep your Mum happy as well. He probably feels pulled apart at the seams trying to keep everyone happy.

Really? You're the type of grown adult that could be jealous of the attention a newborn receives? I'd say you need some major fucking therapy and to grow the fuck up!

diddl · 20/04/2023 13:47

I just had a quick look at the posts linked in the OP & what stood out to me was that your husband waiting outside wasn't an option because your parents would bring him in.

Also from this thread that your Dad insisted you sit up front.

It seems that there are faults & lack of understanding on both sides.

Was it expected that you go round due to your brother's FIL's death?