Aftermath of brother’s wedding

[HuxleyDog]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

I’m with Hopping. It’s a mess but your recent move wasn’t wise or helpful.

Why are today's brides so self absorbed that they hate the idea of that a baby (in this case a very tiny baby) might cry out during the wedding? Does it really matter?

I wouldn't have given a fig if my nearly two year old niece had cried at my wedding. Although, I also know that SIL would have done her best to quieten her down.

You're absolutely bonkers.

SIL sounds like she is abusive to the brother. Manipulating him and controlling him and effecting his relationship with OP. She clearly is a narcissist who for some reason was deranged about the amount of attention on her during their wedding day. She could have just accepted that the baby could attend but be taken out if he cried. But to then say that guests would spend time cooing over the baby? How immature is she to not allow any guests to want to meet a new member of the family?! She's batshit.

And then for them to have no valid reason to allow OP's husband to attend? They sound absolutely vile the pair of them, but I suspect SIL is at the helm of their toxicity.

OP, please do not try in anyway to have a relationship with them. They are absolutely awful narcissists. I wish you well with your new family and you have been beyond nice trying to accommodate their ridiculous demands and keep the peace. Cut them out your life they are energy vampires.

Absolutely this. We're not talking a friend's 3 year old, we're talking a decision that effectively bars immediate family from your wedding. You can't make calls like that and not expect them to have consequences.

Torn between thinking your father was right and thinking he stoked the drama.

I don't think you were wrong to go around to offer condolences, but that's probably cultural, I'm Irish and it would probably be seen as ruder not to here even if you aren't speaking to her.

Give her space. She's a drama queen. You don't need that.

My DSS married someone who is absolutely fucking crackers. He acts all embarrassed too, but I don't bother with either of them now as there's too much hypocrisy and drama, and the way they have treated DP is abominable. She managed to ruin her own 'hen do' (both of them) and her own wedding, with all her histrionics.

I'm honestly too long in the tooth for all the craziness.

I will never know why DSS married her, especially as he's now pissed off on 6 month tour of duty that he could have declined.

Whether rightly or wrongly, from your SIL's perspective you caused her unnecessary wedding drama, prioritised her wishes over yours and caused a rift between your dad and her dad.

It doesn't matter objectively who's right or wrong but how she feels and that's probably how she feels. Then you turn up when she's bereaved. I'm not surprised she's lost it. Please just leave her alone to grieve and salvage what you can when dust has settled.

Oh and sitting at the front is fine? Most churches have doors at the front, well to the side of the alter that you could easily leave through. I'd be more worried about being at an aisle.

Honestly, the wedding doesn't matter now really.
What matters is current issue that relationship beoke down and OP saw fit going unannounced to house of someone grieving who she doesn't have good relationship with. That's not fine

Regardless of the morality, the ‘children are the best bit about a wedding’, ‘families should be together’ blah blah blah, this was their wedding, so their preferences, their decisions, and they get to make their choices as you made yours. If you don’t like theirs you respectfully decline the invitation.

Regardless of the morality? WTF.

So a wedding is a trump card which allows you to say absolutely anything goes because it's your day, your choice?

I think some self-centred twerps do actually believe this.

A wedding is meant to be about the joining of two families, not playing at being Queen Arsehole for the day.

A wedding is about the joining of two people. Their families don't get a say. How often do people's parents typically see their in-laws, other than at weddings and funerals? It's by no means usual.

Whether SiL was reasonable or otherwise at the time of her wedding, your father has put himself entirely in the wrong here. His behaviour was manipulative, dictatorial and far out of line. Granted you knew nothing about this, but given the conflict about the wedding was centred on you it's understandable that she would assume otherwise. But now isn't the time to set the record straight.

The sudden death of her father was not the time to build bridges. Grief and shock isn't conducive to clear sight and it's predictable that she would see this as your making it (yet again in her eyes) all about you. It wasn't at all a good idea to impose yourself upon a grieving woman who you knew had distanced herself from you. It's no real wonder she's livid.

My SiL behaved in such a way when my mother died that our relationship never recovered. Similarly, it might not be possible to heal this breach. If not, the only thing you can do is to respect her wishes and don't try to force your brother into a choice between his wife and his family of origin. It won't end well.

Yes, I agree.

Good on your dad for backing you, and then still offering money when they rightly changed their minds.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having babies at a wedding so long as the parents understand they need to take them out if they are causing disruption.
I've been on both sides of this, in my experience it was actually the older kids that were more disruptive, the babies were just quickly taken out the back and we barely noticed them.

I had 3 babies at my wedding and the parents were very good at taking them out if they started fussing.
I do think sil was being precious, end of the day the baby slept through it and she should have helped accommodate you after your brother agreed to invite the baby.
She wasn't the only one getting married.
However I do think now is not the best time, I would just let her go and focus on maintaining a relationship with your brother (if you want to).

I don't think you were wrong to go around to offer condolences, but that's probably cultural, I'm Irish and it would probably be seen as ruder not to here even if you aren't speaking to her.

I agree with @JenniferBarkley that there are cultures where not going round would be considered to be incredibly rude and hurtful.

The thing is the sil read the situation about the wedding absolutely right - you didn't sit at the back with the baby (and blame someone else for that decision!) so she was right to think you couldn't be trusted to behave appropriately if the baby was invited.

To not invite your husband was horrible, I wouldnt have gone myself or bothered myself with them in anyway going forward to be honest

Wanting to not be separated from a potentially week old baby is attention seeking? That's ludicrous.

And everyone saying that people know to discretely slip out if a baby starts crying - no, not everyone does. I was recently at a wedding where someone had brought a baby in arms to the ceremony, they sat about a third of the way back from the front, in the middle of a row and when the baby (predictably) started crying in the middle of the service, stayed right where they were. It meant probably 75% of the guests couldn't hear a good portion of the service.

Sorry but I would tell SIL to go fuck herself. You knew nothing and the original exclusion of your DH was cruel.

You have tried to apologise for something you knew nothing about (I wouldn’t have!) and got short shrift. I would also say your brother should not have let it get to where it has, he is partially responsible.
Then I would just ignore her, nothing is to going the situation I’m afraid.

Who assumes that because you have a young baby that you should be able to take it to any social event of your choosing regardless of the feelings of the host???

This situation shows the pettiness and pointlessness of nurturing grievances as though they are valuable heirlooms that are going to increase with meaning and value over time.

You have attempted to express your condolences. There is nothing else that you can do.

I would just avoid her she doesn't sound like a very pleasant person. None of this is your fault. I can't imagine anyone saying a new born baby can't attend a wedding of a very close family member. But then again I don't understand why people get so precious about weddings.
E it's not your fault your father withdrew his contribution to the wedding but it's perfectly understandable. It's his money to spend as he wishes and after they said your husband couldn't even pop into the reception I don't blame him.
Stay in contact with your brother but don't initiate any contact with your sister in law

I agree with this 100%. It was your dad's money and he can do what he damn well likes with it. Its not your fault they had back luck with covid etc

I would leave her to sulk and just continue with your brother. You cant reason with people like this. She sounds bitter and jealous not to even allow your DH to come to a part of the wedding.

Dont contact her, let her get on with marinating in her own bitterness. You cant win with people like her as whatever you did will be wrong. Enjoy your own lovely family

I think it was clear they didn't want a baby at the wedding but could have been much more flexible about the entire situation - but I think your "winning" clearly has bad long term repercussions and SIL clearly has no wish for a relationship with you.

So why did you and your Mum rush round after hearing of her father's death it is odd and very attention seeking behavior - it's a situation that has nothing to do with you and your actions would clearly upset her.

I think if you needed to send your condolences a card or talking to your brother to pass them on would have been much more appropriate. I think if you carry on picking fights with her you run the risk of losing your bother visits.

She had a very stressful wedding cancellation/preparation.
She didn’t want a baby at the wedding, your father then withdrew funding, for a wedding she presumably already paid for.
She then ended up having the baby at her wedding anyway.
Her father died and someone she doesn’t get on with (you) turned up straight away?

YABU

This!
They didn't want kids at the wedding, but you all pushed until they relented and finally getting your own way ( with a bit of manipulation of threatening to pull the plug on money, with others on this one, gifts should not come with strings attached, either it's a gift or it's not)
Don't blame them for being fucked off to be honest.

Not everyone wants kids at weddings.
Its OP and her family who don't sound pleasant, not the SIL.
The pushing, the manipulation just ugh