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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 22:37

ladyluck13 · 21/04/2023 21:42

Typical MN..does take a dim view on blended families, and I dont think many commenters have a lot of first hand knowledge of ss conception from the looks of it 🙄
It's a fine line doing what's best for your kids whilst also having your own happiness/future. Your kids are old enough to understand why you want a new baby, ie they won't get pushed out or parentified, and you've been kind enough to ask their opinion, but they dont get to make the final decision, you do..Sit em down and have a final conversation, in depth and sort out all the concerns, and go from there.

MN takes a dim view on blended families, but add a gay female family to the mix and it goes insane. If this was a gay man posting it would be so different and a heterosexual couple, the majority of comments would still be positive.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 22:38

FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:40

So just from your op...
Why do your kids know?
Why does it have to be donor sperm?

Where else do you suggest the sperm comes from?

NewLifter · 21/04/2023 22:56

Oh OP, I am sorry you have been on the receiving end of so many vile posters. This is up to you and your DW, yanbu though for proceeding even if they aren't fussed. Most DC would say no to siblings at that age, but it isn't their choice.

Good luck Flowers

HeddaGarbled · 21/04/2023 23:39

Clearly lesbians and sperm donors are triggering something in the white, straight, middle class audience that on the whole makes up MN

If you think white middle class people are the demographic most inclined to homophobia you are woefully misinformed (or have honking great prejudices of your own).

Blueink · 22/04/2023 00:22

whiteroseredrose · 21/04/2023 19:14

@Blueink I did read the updates. The DW would be carrying the baby so would be 50% hers genetically. The other 50% of genes would come from the sperm donor. So not genetically the OP'S child at all. She said she would legally be a parent which is different.

It wasn’t obvious from your post as the OP already addressed several PP making the exact same point as yours.

It’s unlikely anyone on here needs this basic biology lesson (again) and it’s not relevant to the dynamics or really in the spirit of the thread.

MytosisIs · 22/04/2023 00:37

FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:40

So just from your op...
Why do your kids know?
Why does it have to be donor sperm?

Presumably because sperm doesn’t grow on trees?

Buffs · 22/04/2023 01:12

It isn’t their choice. They’ll get used to the new baby. Let them have that hamster.

Original poster
tornmum101 · 22/04/2023 04:51

Thank you to the more open minded responders, I've also had some lovely DMs from people.

I love that everyone is in agreement about the hamster 😂

OP posts:
saffy2 · 22/04/2023 06:23

Op your children could both literally be having babies themselves in a year or two…which would significantly impact their lives more than having a new baby sibling 😂😂😂😂
i really do hope you’re ok. This thread has been disgusting reading.

Kteeb1 · 22/04/2023 07:15

I disagree with most of the posters on this. You have been in a stable relationship for 5 years and want a child. Of course blended families are challenging but actually, families are challenging. And I think it's right you're discussing it with your children especially as they are older. However it shouldn't be 'should we do this'. More around this is what we are doing and let's discuss the impact on you and how you feel about it and how we can address your fears. When negative comments are made, ask why they feel that way. Because it will be down to fear. So it's a great opportunity for them to build resilience as things will happen in their lives they can't control, but can control how they respond. Teenagers are inherently selfish, they are learning how to live in the world but you must not teach then that by being mean they get what they want. They will both be off on their own lives in a few years so making decsions based on them wont work. That being said 15 in particular is a very ciritical time so spend time exploring their feeling's and worries so you can work out solutions together. And follow through on them once the baby comes!

Ladybug14 · 22/04/2023 07:18

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 20/04/2023 03:53

When you decided to discuss it with them you gave them the impression that they have a right to an opinion about it. So you should listen to, and give value to that opinion.

That's not to say you have to go along with it, but I don't think you should just bark 'my body my choice' at them like some people are suggesting, given you invited them into this conversation in the first place.

I haven't rtft but this shone out at me

Absolutely correct. You asked for your childrens' opinions. Listen to them - or why ask?

Kteeb1 · 22/04/2023 07:18

I didn't read some of the posts on this before posting. If you hadn't mentioned SS I wonder how different the thread would have been. The OP didn't ask for anyone's opinions on being same sex. It didn't occur to me to comment on that. Very sad to see the prejudice here. Grow up everyone and be ashamed of yourselves.

MsCatherine · 22/04/2023 07:48

It's clear from your update's that you care about how your children feel. If you decide as a couple to have a baby, you have every right to do that and you are obviously the kind of mother who will work this through with the existing children.

So much judgement on here and not even thinly veiled homophobia, and general anger. Families are a challenge, blended or not. I was judged in a similar way and lost 2 friends who took a dim view of my life. Strangely one had chosen a drug user (now dead) as the father of her child and the other hasn't slept with her husband for years but stayed with him so she could work part time instead of supporting herself. But it was me leaving my husband, and finding love with my wife that was worthy of the harshest criticism. They are probably on here dishing out horrible angry comments, with anonymity which others on here thrive with.

I feel sorry for the children of some of these judgmental posters, bringing up children with such narrow minds and limited choices. Imagine your daughter asks you for advice as a grown up woman, i think many of you would suddenly change your tune.

OP My children are grown up now, have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Had my wife wanted a child of her own I'd have supported that and mothered my children at the same time, as you will. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Mollymoostoo · 22/04/2023 07:52

Have you considered they might be worried about how the family set up might be perceived and talked about by their peers?
They may be embarrassed. I know the world is more liberal, but kids that age can be cruel.

Kizzy192 · 22/04/2023 08:58

I've been in your kids position. Bisexual mum, blended family on both parents side, I'm 15 years older than my siblings.

I would not have it any other way. And I certainly wouldn't have expected to have a say anyway. I love that I can be there for them now in a way that parents can't be. They speak to me about things they wouldn't with parents etc. Also it was nice my parents had lives when I was trying to get on with mine.

This post has really opened my eyes to the difference in generations. I don't know, but I'm probably on the younger side of posters (just 30, 1 child) and I see younger generations opinions through my siblings and their friends. Honestly, they don't give a frig about sexuality like a lot of older people here think they do (that's also coming from my siblings on the other side with straight parents).

Most of them would think it's 'cool' so and so has a gay mum, or is having a sperm donor baby. The coming generations are much more interested in free thinking, feminism and acceptance than a lot of these posters are, despite being 30 years older. Maybe that's just my experience, but I'd put trust into your kids OP. As long as they aren't going to become replacement parents (I did, I don't resent my siblings) then it sounds like there's plenty of love to go around.

Sorry for the length of the post, some of the responses have got my back up.

MytosisIs · 22/04/2023 09:00

Mollymoostoo · 22/04/2023 07:52

Have you considered they might be worried about how the family set up might be perceived and talked about by their peers?
They may be embarrassed. I know the world is more liberal, but kids that age can be cruel.

WTF.

15 and 19yos are far more open to mixed sex relationships than their elder peers.

OP if they were very young I’d say consider their feelings but honestly one is an adult, the other not far off - you’ve raised them long enough, now time to live for you

MytosisIs · 22/04/2023 09:00

*same sex

toomuchlaundry · 22/04/2023 09:09

@Kizzy192 is it cool for the sperm donor baby?

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 09:35

Well said @MsCatherine. My responses were only about the teenagers. The rest is irrelevant. I think the OP was right to talk to her teenagers because it will change the family dynamic.

I am as disgusted as you regarding posts about homophobia, step siblings, bended families etc. That has nothing to do with the what the OP originally asked about which was simply what her teenagers thought.

Elfblossom · 22/04/2023 09:45

I had 3 daughters who were 10, 13 & 16 when my son was conceived (through a failed coil)

The eldest always jokingly bemoaned havingb2 annoying sisters and I was most worried about telling her ...

My son is now 14 and the eldest is like a second parent to him, they adore eachother.

My only advice would be (to the shock.of many on MN I'm sure) plan to maybe have more than one because my only regret is that although my girls have done all the siblingy things with him ... it's not quite the same as having a sibling nearer in age.

I'm not suggesting that you ignore older kids feelings completely but, if you conceived a baby as a happy accident like I did, or as just a part of marriage/a relationship, they'd have no say in it would they ... it's only because your future child's conception has to be managed that they'd have forewarning.

jonesy0786 · 22/04/2023 19:54

Absolutely agree with you. Some of these comments are making me angry

bossonext · 22/04/2023 21:23

Robinni · 20/04/2023 10:33

@Humanbiology I totally disagree with this. In the playground I’ve heard friends kids (sons predominantly) be called a fruit, a poof, told uuugh you’re going to grow up and marry a boy, aren’t you disgusting etc etc all because of slightly feminine behaviour and/or high pitched voices. Whether or not they actually are gay remains to be seen, but they are being targeted by bullies at 6/7/8 because they are perceived to be.

This is in 2023 in a supposed liberal country. Language from a bunch of young primary school kids. I can only imagine teens are a hell of a lot worse.

Yes things are better than say 30-40yrs ago in terms of acceptance and people behaving decently. But there is no way that there aren’t homophobic kids in school - their parents are teaching them to be that way. And you won’t find LGBTQ classes in faith schools either.

Show quote history

Mixed-race kids still get racist bullying in schools. Should people avoid having children with someone of a different race?

mustgetoffmn · 23/04/2023 02:03

FixMyEyebrows · 19/04/2023 23:40

So just from your op...
Why do your kids know?
Why does it have to be donor sperm?

Second point - same sex relationship.

mustgetoffmn · 23/04/2023 02:45

My first thought is that older children will naturally feel threatened by a new baby coming in to the family. Especially with their parents having split. But when the baby arrives it’s another thing. I would go ahead - as long as all are loved and treated respectfully it will hopefully be fine. Good luck

mustgetoffmn · 23/04/2023 02:47

BritInAus · 20/04/2023 00:38

What?! How is 5+ years a new relationship. And as for 'buy a baby' - gross! Unsure how two women are meant to have a baby without donor sperm...

Show quote history

Agree with answer