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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC don't want me to have another child

552 replies

tornmum101 · 19/04/2023 23:39

background: 2 DC from previous relationship with a man. Now in same sex relationship (5+ years)

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years. Both DC make negative comments about this regularly.

would you still have another child? AIBU to do something my DC say they will hate?

OP posts:
willstarttomorrow · 21/04/2023 19:36

OP, firstly ignore all the comments posted by people who have no idea of the legalities of using a sperm donor - of course you would both be parents and this thread really shows how narrow minded and ignorant people can be.

I think it is great that you obviously have an open relationship with your children and feel you can discuss this. Many people would not. The situation is complex, as it always is with teens and blended families. It does not mean they get the final say though.

Teenage brain development is a complex thing and the rational, emotional reasoning is a long way off at their ages. If, as you say, usually they are fine with your situation and your partner then I suspect ultimately they will be okay. It is a very egocentric age, balanced with increasing responsibility and expectations to be an adult. You talking about having another baby also reminds them that you are a sexual being (even if you are not going to be carrying the baby) and bo teen wants this! As long as you recognise you children's vulnerability, ensure they still feel included it will likely be okay and will absolutely love their younger sibling. This has been my experience in every family I have known who have added a baby later in life, including situations similar to your family.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 21/04/2023 19:40

It's nobody's business except you and your wife's. This is why it's best to not say anything and just announce the pregnancy when it happens

pollymere · 21/04/2023 19:40

I suspect the age of your kids means they will feel uncomfortable about you having another one due to age and also being grossed out by a sperm donor baby. Would you or your wife be providing the eggs? They may feel they're going to lose their Mum to a baby they're not even biologically related to as well.

It also means they have to admit to themselves that their Mum is actually in a relationship with another woman on top of the feelings of having a new step "sibling".

I think it's time you had a frank chat with them about the realities of life. You're a blended family and they need to realise you have just as much right to be happy as they do. It's not going to make you love them any less (you will need to ensure that you still have time for them without blaming things on any baby), and you need to let your kids know it's not going to change things and you're not going to expect free babysitting. Haven't they seen Labryinth?!

willstarttomorrow · 21/04/2023 19:43

Just to add. I work with children and families and also have many friends with adopted children, children born through sperm donation, half- siblings, step siblings, children living within the family who are not related but there is some kind of court order. When it works, all just consider themselves to be siblings- genetics play no part. This is the reality for many families and is not an issue.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 21/04/2023 19:44

Personally I can’t imagine anything worse than having raised 2 kids pretty much to adulthood and going back to the start. My idea of absolute hell.

but you are not me and in principle YANBU it is none of the kids business

toomuchlaundry · 21/04/2023 19:48

This why there can be so many problems in blended families, no thought for the impact on children already here

Lollipop81 · 21/04/2023 19:54

I’ve read all your comments and I think you should go for it! I think the children are being typical teenagers and of course they will have a good relationship with their little sibling, albeit a different one to the one they have with their older sibling. if this will make you and your partner happy you really should go for it, else you may well regret if for the rest of your days.
i know plenty of people who had kids in their teens and early 20’s then went on to have kids in their late 30’s and 40’s ignore the negative comments and go with your heart.

TaLooLaBell · 21/04/2023 19:55

I think it is up to you and your partner , the older kids will grow up and move on with their own lives

I hope it works out for you

Vynalbob · 21/04/2023 19:57

If you want a child have one. They said what they thought but a few years down the line they might be embarrassed by their less than empathetic reaction. Did you lead the discussion 'DP would like us to have a baby what do you think'.
If your DP wants to be a mother then it's going to be a hard pill to swallow saying no because my kids from my previous relationship don't like it.
Oh and 5+ years isn't a knew relationship.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2023 19:58

I don't subscribe to the view that the existing children shouldn't be considered. I don't understand the "I want a baby, and I don't care how it impacts the family" view either.

And like many posters I would have thought that having last been through the baby stage 15 years ago, why would you want to start all over again?

niugboo · 21/04/2023 19:59

blackpearwhitelilies · 21/04/2023 18:12

Would people not use half-sibling for adopted children then? Whose definition is this?
OP will be the baby's parent as well as the parent of her other two children, so half-sibling seems the best term.

Show quote history

No they wouldn’t use half sister for adopted because they aren’t that in any sense.

accepted definitions attached. Complex family dynamics don’t fit into these simplistic definitions.

DC don't want me to have another child
Chocolatehamper · 21/04/2023 20:10

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2023 00:09

My DP and I would like to have a baby together using donor sperm in the next couple of years

Why?

It’s a bit ‘buy a baby’ as an accessory to the new relationship, isn’t it?

Their relationship is 5 years plus - hardly new?!

Jack80 · 21/04/2023 20:23

It’s up to you but I get why a 19 and 15 year old wouldn’t want a sibling as it may take attention away from them. Not sure how our 18 and 15 year old would react.

Hmm1234 · 21/04/2023 20:48

‘Don’t want’ LOL

Ineke · 21/04/2023 20:52

Actually think that your two DC are going to be going through a particularly challenging time in their lives, college, Uni, University Funding, A levels etc and will need you full time. You may be spreading yourself a bit too thinly, but I can understand that you feel a baby with your DP would lift the bar somewhat.

Chestnutlover · 21/04/2023 20:56

This is all really upsetting, have another baby if you want one OP, sounds like it will be very loved. It’s insane how judgmental and mean people are. Your other children will be fine and will be getting on with their own lives soon enough. Sheesh.
When I was a kid I begged my mum not to have another baby, my brother is now my best friend.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 21:04

toomuchlaundry · 21/04/2023 19:48

This why there can be so many problems in blended families, no thought for the impact on children already here

The 19 year old is an adult for goodness sake.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 21:12

Chestnutlover · 21/04/2023 20:56

This is all really upsetting, have another baby if you want one OP, sounds like it will be very loved. It’s insane how judgmental and mean people are. Your other children will be fine and will be getting on with their own lives soon enough. Sheesh.
When I was a kid I begged my mum not to have another baby, my brother is now my best friend.

The comments on this thread are just crazy aren't they? I'm wondering if they'd be the same for a man and woman having a baby the natural way...I suspect not. People saying the 19 year old needs help through uni. Like, what? Are young adults really that delicate now that they need help through uni. We just went and visited our parents in the holidays. Lived our lives like the adults we were. Equally at 15, unless the child has any issues the OP isn't disclosing, again, at 15 we went to school, got nagged a bit to study for our GCSEs and that was it.

No wonder there is this stereotype about young adults now. Perhaps there's more truth to it than just a stereotype as their parents don't seem to want to let them grow up and cut the apron strings.

This must have been an awful thread for the OP to read. Clearly lesbians and sperm donors are triggering something in the white, straight, middle class audience that on the whole makes up MN.

blackpearwhitelilies · 21/04/2023 21:14

LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 21:12

The comments on this thread are just crazy aren't they? I'm wondering if they'd be the same for a man and woman having a baby the natural way...I suspect not. People saying the 19 year old needs help through uni. Like, what? Are young adults really that delicate now that they need help through uni. We just went and visited our parents in the holidays. Lived our lives like the adults we were. Equally at 15, unless the child has any issues the OP isn't disclosing, again, at 15 we went to school, got nagged a bit to study for our GCSEs and that was it.

No wonder there is this stereotype about young adults now. Perhaps there's more truth to it than just a stereotype as their parents don't seem to want to let them grow up and cut the apron strings.

This must have been an awful thread for the OP to read. Clearly lesbians and sperm donors are triggering something in the white, straight, middle class audience that on the whole makes up MN.

Show quote history

I've never seen comments like this targetting a heterosexual couple so I think you're right. It is v upsetting indeed. I've spent time recently with a lovely couple in their sixties, who are shy about letting people know that they are married because they are both women, and I was thinking that they might be pleasantly surprised at how much of a non-issue this is these days. I was clearly wrong.

123ROLO · 21/04/2023 21:26

I wouldn't.

My husband said when he was 16 his mum mentioned having a baby with his step dad (he suspects she was pregnant but went onto miscarry). He said him and his sister felt sick and devastated at the thought.

I would have felt the same. It has a feel of 'starting over', and that you aren't the children / priority anymore. It might not be rational or fair, but I think its how a lot of older children / young adults feel in this scenario. Almost like your childhood isn't special anymore.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I imagine in reality siblings and parents are happy with the choice in the end but as a teenager, that is definitely how I'd feel.

RoodyPoody · 21/04/2023 21:40

I know of no broken homes where the parents were in a happy and successful relationship!

Wouldn't have thought such people were in your circle, dear!

Highly doubt you know any such families @NoTouch

ladyluck13 · 21/04/2023 21:42

Typical MN..does take a dim view on blended families, and I dont think many commenters have a lot of first hand knowledge of ss conception from the looks of it 🙄
It's a fine line doing what's best for your kids whilst also having your own happiness/future. Your kids are old enough to understand why you want a new baby, ie they won't get pushed out or parentified, and you've been kind enough to ask their opinion, but they dont get to make the final decision, you do..Sit em down and have a final conversation, in depth and sort out all the concerns, and go from there.

NoTouch · 21/04/2023 21:47

Mediocrates · 21/04/2023 19:12

“Dear” 🤣 I love it when MNers get patronising in an attempt to add some gravity to what they’re saying.

People who move on instead of staying in miserable, abusive, loveless, or dysfunctional relationships are doing the right thing by their children. If you model martyrdom, you raise martyrs. The amount of utter fuckery I read on here about feckless partners, it can only be a benefit to everyone else in the family to move on.

OP, I wish you so much happiness whatever you decide, and I hope the outpouring of bitterness, judgement and blatant homophobia washes over you. The prissy, holier than thou folk deserve to be left alone with their miserable thoughts while you carry on living your life.

Show quote history

People who move on instead of staying in miserable, abusive, loveless, or dysfunctional relationships are doing the right thing by their children.

I agree. And that is also what I said. Broken homes are from failed relationships for whatever reason from abuse to just falling out of love and of course people should not stay together if it isn't working. I don't see your point as we are agreeing.

If someone is prickly about "broken homes" or "failed relationships", which are inoffensive, non judgemental factual terms, they should just move on and not tag someone in directly to pitifully attempt to criticise, tell them to change their language or quash.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 21/04/2023 22:22

blackpearwhitelilies · 21/04/2023 18:04

Shocked by the disgusting and ignorant homophobia on this thread. I hope you're OK, OP.
I wouldn't choose not to have a baby at the behest of teenagers, who notoriously change their minds quite easily anyway.

I know ! It’s 2023 but I swear on MN it seems like the 50s ! The funny thing is they get all irate if they are called upon their homophobic behaviour

LaDamaDeElche · 21/04/2023 22:34

I've never seen comments like this targetting a heterosexual couple so I think you're right. It is v upsetting indeed. I've spent time recently with a lovely couple in their sixties, who are shy about letting people know that they are married because they are both women, and I was thinking that they might be pleasantly surprised at how much of a non-issue this is these days. I was clearly wrong Absolutely. This thread should be deleted, because the level of homophobia, especially against gay women - the U.K. seems to embrace gay men, but not gay women for sone obscure reason - is fucking vile.