To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

I had an ex that had exactly the same convo with me.
Note I said EX
I decided no sex without condoms full stop. He stubbornly refused to use them.
We hadn't had sex for 2 years when we split. Best decision of my life, utter narcissistic wankstain.

Just in case it is ever useful to you or anyone else reading, using lube with condoms was a total game changer. (inside and outside the condom)

I agree with you and everyone else, and his behaviour probably makes it easier to abstain!

I would bet that in the majority of long term relationships, the burden of contraception falls on women.

Whether that's tracking cycles, using the pill, the implant or coil or any other method.

It's just one more in a long list of jobs that fall to the women!!

There is literally a book called "How the pill changes everything" which details all the many impacts of fake hormones on women's bodies. Vasectomies are reversible outpatient procedures that are typically very minor surgery.......and yet it's still usually the women who have to be the ones pumping their bodies full of fake hormones!

OP YANBU, I agree that of he had an actual and considered reason for them maybe I'd give him some air time but it's like he's just stomping his foot and saying "but all the other boys don't have to do it so why should I"!!

As an aside, and not that you should have to do this and on principal I don't think you should, but if anyone else is reading this in a similar situation and does want another option, there is always the female diaphragm that can be used as contraception too. (again.....I don't think you should back down on this OP, just putting it out there for info).

I couldn’t be with someone like this so I’d be using divorce as my contraceptive method tbh

He says that if you won’t take on the responsibility of contraception. He won’t have sex

Does he mean he won’t be having sex with you but he will with someone else

I can see him cheating and given his attitude it will be all your fault
He will probably end up with a 2nd or 3rd child but not with you

If he wants to see what just one “little injection” does to someone I will send round someone I know who had Depo just once and within 10 days changed from the most laid bHe says that if you won’t take on the responsibility of contraception. He won’t have sex

Does he mean he won’t be having sex with you but he will with someone else

I can see him cheating and given his attitude it will be all your fault
He will probably end up with a 2nd or 3rd child but not with you

If he wants to see what just one “little injection” does to someone I will send round someone I know who had Depo just once who changed from the most laid back person to a raging bitch and 4 years later ack happiest person looking forward to getting married having children with her long term partner to a raging bitch, dumping her partner as she no longer had feelings for him or anyone and 4 years later everyone who knew her 4+ years ago has had to come to terms with the fact that the laidback person has gone

Good for you. Whatever you are comfortable with doing.

Thing is, it kind of takes two people to make a baby, but only one of them has to go through taking hormones/going through the pain of childbirth etc, the other one on the other hand just gets his rocks off and steps back. And when he is the one who says he eodens’t want more children, then he is the one who should be responsible for the contraception.

And as for his “it’s just a pill” bollocks, I would bet my house that if a male contraceptive pill existed and it was a choice between he takes a pill or she takes a pill, he would complain about messing with his body.

So if you’ were happy to be sterilised then that’s great for you, but don’t start telling the OP that she’s in the wrong just because her husband is a wanker (quite literally now it would seem) and isn’t prepared to have any part in the choice for him not to want another child.

Good for you OP! no sex for him then. I'll bet my mortgage he caves before you do 😆

I can't take hormone pill due to migraine and stopped taking anything.

New husband and tubes tied, but I'm 52 and no chance would I have another child.

He is the one who has made that decision, vasectomy is a quick pain free op for the man, very invasive op for the women.

Stick to you guns

I personally would have my tubes tied

So what? thats your choice, the OP doesnt want to. A vasectomy is far less invasive and easier than having tubes tied. Why is it ok for him to have agency over his body but she isnt? SMH

Yes he is being ridiculously selfish. I'm all for body autonomy so if he doesn't want a vasectomy then fair dos- but to refuse to wear condoms as well and so expect you to take on the entire burden is unfair. As you say its not just the logistics of it all but it demonstrates his attitude towards you, and it's not nice.

Yes he’s being selfish. I decided to stop the pill recently too. We had a vasectomy conversation and he didn’t want to do that and I respect that decision so we agreed to use condoms. Actually I decided to do natural cycles so we use condoms around ovulation and go without at other times. He can’t have it all his way.

This! I divorced my sex pest narc in the end. He was absolutely intransigent and would never take the contraceptive initiative. Such a relief to get away from the constant worry.

Nothing wrong with him not wanting a vasectomy, or thinking it's not the same with condoms.

Everything wrong with his attitude and dismissal of your reasons not to take the pill.

How can you stomach the thought of having sex with him!

I bet he's selfish in other ways too

Another ex-pill user here who would never go back. No, every other woman does not get on fine with it.

Given how many women take the pill, quite a few must now have been killed by it through thromboses. Hormones could be dosed much more precisely to minimise risks, but apparently the research would be too expensive to do. It's only women dying, after all.

This I found out by poking about the internet- there's a lot of published research on pill side effects and risks. Maybe your prince of a husband will take that seriously?

Yes he's being a selfish cunt. I've been off hormonal contraception for years because it's fucking awful, but when we're done having kids my husband has already said he'll get a vasectomy so I don't have to get a copper coil again. Condoms did deplete our sex life, but he hates the idea that I have to have a coil which causes more painful periods when he could easily have a short operation. He said it out of the blue, we weren't even discussing contraception and I've never mentioned vasectomy before - he's just looked into it himself

Hmm, I 100% see your frustration! I can’t even see how you’d find him attractive/sexy after this, there’s no way this level of ignorance would get me going. He’s become a contraceptive himself 😂

Honestly like I've said if we had a normal conversation about it I'd absolutely take on board his reasons for not wanting to have the snip, it's his body after all.

It's the minimising hypocrisy of the way he spoke to me that has pissed me off. I don't want to do this because of X reason but you should do it so I don't have to

But would you have done after your first if you wanted a 2nd

You sound very fair to me. The issue is, he is not respecting the fact that its your body and he is not taking that on board either.

Its pure selfishness and I think you are right to say fine then, no sex it is if he wont even use condoms.

Hes an idiot. I can't take the pill because one of the side effects could be deadly for me.

Three of my male friends have had a vasectomy. It's not that uncommon.

Stick to your guns he will crack well before you do and ignore the posters to get your tubes tied thats ridiculous

This thread has been an eye opener for me to see what other women go through.

So OP wants another baby, partner doesn't. Fine, fair enough. But I had a hard time on the pill and then depo so abandoned that sort of contraception completely so it was condoms ever after. It really isn't that difficult for men.

And honestly, maybe unreasonable but whatever, I don't fucking care if sex doesn't feel as good with a condom for him. In my mind that is absolutely fuck all compared to things like increased risk of cancer, a stroke, acne, weight gain, bleeding between periods, heavier periods, more painful periods, depression, anxiety and on and on. Oh boohoo that he can't get off as quickly with a condom on. I honestly have limited sympathy for that when looking at the alternative for me.

Literally none of what you have said in any of your posts is unreasonable! You are absolutely right. I'm sure a lot of men (and women) find sex would feel better without a condom, but if he won't do anything else re: contraception then he has to wear one if he wants to have sex, pretty simple. Glad you're sticking to your guns (as you should), lots of women 'give in' to men's pathetic demands.