To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

He’d rather you went on contraception that fucks with you than lose a little bit of his pleasure wearing a condom during sex. There’s a really interesting thread on Twitter that did the rounds about this in regards to abortion in the US - reminds me of this post from it:

”So it’s not like sex with a condom is not pleasurable, it’s just not as pleasurable. An 8 instead of a 10. Let me emphasize that again: Men regularly choose to put women at massive risk by having non-condom sex, in order to experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure.”

Full thread - https://twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363431893725184?s=46&t=si4GnFyhhvhgpM_eEMLEow

Exactly, I got fed up of fiddling around with pill packets, heavy bleeding and half a year of it on depo. There was nothing I could do to get it out of my system once it's already in there except time.

Condoms are easy and save mess and help mitigate stds.

He's selfish for sure. You've already put your body through so much! No to vasectomy due to "fiddling with bits" so you have to get a coil is a total double standard.

I came off hormonal bc at 23 after going on at 16. I am 32 now and still don't feel like my body is quite right tbh. Initially on the pill I was on too high a dose and it hurt my liver- I had to get tested for hepatitis and leukaemia to work out why I was so ill. It was probably a rule-out/cover all bases but I was sure I was going to be told I had leukaemia. I have super heavy periods and I'm dreading possibly having to go back on temporarily for my wedding if my horror days coincide! The copper coil worked for me but not sure about getting another after finding out about the autoimmune risks. Didn't replace it after it was due out as we want dc so a replacement wouldn't be in for full term and we decided we could cope with an accident. DP happily uses condoms & I track my cycle. He never wants me to put anything in my body ever again unless I want to. I feel very supported and lucky.

I think one of the reasons men get twitchy about getting their "bits" handled is because for the most part they simply don't really encounter medical intrusion on their bodies until they're 40 or so and they're taught to protect their balls at all costs to avoid pain. Women, on the other hand, find out as teenagers that periods can hurt- badly- but that you get on with it, including inserting things into your body to collect blood. We also use pessaries, take sti swabs, start smear tests in our 20s and in the course of intra-uterine bc, pregnancy and child birth - or just straight up gynae issues, get very used to having our "bits" handled and intruded upon from a younger age. By the time men are confronted with such intrusion, it's an alien concept. Whereas they - and we, are conditioned to think that women can and therefore should, put up with it.

Did you tell him that because of the leach of oestrogen into the drinking water supply from the contraceptive pill, men's fertility is dropping?

I think one of the reasons men get twitchy about getting their "bits" handled is because for the most part they simply don't really encounter medical intrusion on their bodies until they're 40 or so and they're taught to protect their balls at all costs to avoid pain. Women, on the other hand, find out as teenagers that periods can hurt- badly- but that you get on with it, including inserting things into your body to collect blood. We also use pessaries, take sti swabs, start smear tests in our 20s and in the course of intra-uterine bc, pregnancy and child birth - or just straight up gynae issues, get very used to having our "bits" handled and intruded upon from a younger age. By the time men are confronted with such intrusion, it's an alien concept. Whereas they - and we, are conditioned to think that women can and therefore should, put up with it

Totally agree with this and its possibly why men rarely willingly go to the doctors for prostate exams etc, because they have had the privilege of never having gyny exams or multiple doctors looking at their bits when giving birth etc etc

Poor lambs. How awful for them. 🙄

He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care

Then you already have your short-term solution.

It won't make either of you happy long-term though, so how do you feel about eventually divorcing him? I'm guessing - not very sad, why would you be?
He's happy for you to have endured childbirth, for you to have had the miserable experience with the implant, & to "have to" to the pill for the next several years ... but HE shouldn't have to shoulder any responsibility.

This level of selfishness must surely be playing out elsewhere in your marriage. How are you set up, logistically & financially, should you want to split? It's worth secretly consulting a lawyer to find out, No need to act on it - just the reassurance of how your life might look without a 1950's sexual throwback in it.

It sounds like you have bigger problems than the contraception to be honest. Stand your ground.

I know people are quick to jump to ltb. But honestly this is so grossly selfish I'd be really reconsidering the relationship. It's just so off putting.

Not that you need evidence but I'm one of many women who has tons of problems with hormonal contraception. So you're totally right on that one.

Oh OP. What a prize twat he is. Like another PP, I have to wonder how crap he is in bed anyway - he sounds fucking clueless, just another idiot who knows jack-shit about women & women's bodies.

Time to go full Lysistrata on his arse.
btw, when you 'sacrifice' the bottle of wine, you know that imbibing it directly counts, right?

https://www.sparknotes.com/drama/lysistrata/summary/

You are not at all unreasonable. Quite surprised by a few responses.

condoms or fuck off tbh! I haven't taken a pull for 12 years - i refuse to it really caused me a lot of problems ! my husband understands and we just use condoms.

I wouldn't even want to have sex with someone who thinks its as simple as just take a pill - so clueless - what a turn off!

Tell him his attitude is enough contraception as it makes you not want to even have sex with him

Totally agree - my sister had three emergency c-sections for her children and initially her H expected her to have the op!!!! The snip is a minor op for a man, especially considering what her body went through. He had the snip but was under so much pressure not to from his M & D.....so I wonder if that has shaped your H's view - not that it is any excuse and certainly not sticking up for him, but as you say, it says a lot about attitudes to women and also that the responsibility for contraception being theirs alone...........quite depressing

His attitude is vile, I wouldn’t have sex with him .

for what it’s worth I can’t take the pill, my emotions were all over the place and I’m sure I would have ended up divorced or in prison if I had continued to take it, they made me a horrid person,

wasn’t willing to try the coil after how low the different pills made me.

dh not willing to have vasectomy so condoms it is.,

Does this man have anything going for him, OP? Anything that could remotely outweigh this behaviour?

Vasectomy should be seen as permanent.

Reversal is very much dependant on time. If you act within three years of the initial procedure then you are likely to see a 75% success rate. However, outside of that time frame and you'll start to see a sharp decline to about 50%. Ten years or more and its virtually zero.

Yep he's an unreasonable selfish twat. I would find him a massive turn off which rather solves the problem doesn't it?

I would put money on him being a selfish twat in other areas of your relationship too.

Christ alive. You had an actual baby through either your vagina or major abdominal surgery, messed with your hormones for a decade, and he can't even have slightly less pleasurable sex to prevent you from having to go through more!!! "Just get your tubes tied stop making excuses" ohhhhh fuck off

Why's that a problem when he's the one that says he doesn't want any more children?

You are reasonable and admirably strong. You are in the absolute right. Don’t let any male trolls sneaking on here tell you any different.

He sounds more like a scared child than a grown man

What a twat, if I were you I'd buy a fucking huge vibrator for my bedside table 💐

I decided to get the coil after having my baby and I got periods constantly. They couldn't get it out so gave me the pill to take on top of the pill 🤦‍♀️. My dh then called me moody one day and I went mental. I want more than one child but he doesn't and I was like I'm on the coil and the pill for him, use bloody condoms or get the snip. He's now booked in for the snip after our chat. They managed to get the coil out on the 3rd attempt it was agony. Totally agree with you tell him to grow up!

He wants to preserve his fertility... suspicious.

Honestly OP just play his game back. No condom? No sex.

mumsnet really does make me realise staying single is the right choice.

You are 100% right. Unfortunately, this is the mindset. DH didn't want a vasectomy - I wasn't happy but understood and certainly he never complained about condoms. I looked into tubes tying for me but decided it wasn't for me in the end. At which point, he decided that he would suck it up and get the vasectomy.... he got to the appointment (our wonderful GP cheerfully referred him as soon as he turned up in her office to discuss it) and UNBELIEVABLY the person who was supposed to do the procedure talked him out of it. Quizzed him relentlessly on why he ws doing this instead of his wife using hormone contraception. I was FURIOUS and to this day regret not formally complaining. If she'd highlighted the risks to him and he then backed out, fine. But she was apparently quite aggressive with him on why I could not continue to take on the contraceptive burden even after 12+ years of marriage, two difficult pregnancies and births etc.

So your DH's attitude is disgusting, but not unusual.

A friend went to have her coil removed and the nurse refused to do it until she'd "discussed it with her husband". MIND BLOWING.