Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

440 replies

SelfishH · 19/04/2023 22:09

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

OP posts:
Setyoufree · 20/04/2023 06:36

Sending you solidarity. I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. He has options and he's refusing to take any of them, so he'll have to go with the option of no sex. Which I guess unfortunately means that eventually that means the end of your marriage?

I'm cross on your behalf - you're right, he's staggeringly selfish

Neodymium · 20/04/2023 06:36

My husband is the biggest sook in the world with operations and even he did it. after our 3rd baby I had a mirena and didn’t like it. He got a vasectomy cause I said I was taking the mirena out and I can’t take the pill.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 06:37

Vasectomies take 15 minutes and are done at the GP surgery. No stitches required.

He is unbelievable. I hate him on your behalf, OP.

Setyoufree · 20/04/2023 06:41

Also I had mirena, it sent me bonkers, I had it taken out, went on pill, sent me slightly less bonkers but still. DH realised he needed to do something and despite being a total wimp about anything medical, had a vasectomy. Done at the GPs, 15 mins in and out, one day watching telly, back to work. Couldn't be easier.

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 06:44

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 06:37

Vasectomies take 15 minutes and are done at the GP surgery. No stitches required.

He is unbelievable. I hate him on your behalf, OP.

In and out is about 45 mins. I’m not sure they do them at GPs? Mine was done at the sexual health clinic by a private provider (thanks Tories). I had a phone call with Gp. Waiting list of about 6 months I think (ridiculous). I think this was mainly if I changed my mind, as in that time I had to have another call just prior with some from the private provider.
No stitches though. Maybe some glue, I’m not sure. It healed pretty quick anyway.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 20/04/2023 06:44

He's being a selfish shit.
I had to have my implant removed early due to bleeding and I've had issues with multiple pills. I have the coil at the moment but that was my choice. If my partner had said what your husband did then my chosen contraception would be abstinence.
Just take a pill? What an arse

NotHangingAround · 20/04/2023 06:46

Why are you with him?

I hate knee-jerk LTB posts but one thing that would make me instantly question a marriage is a man who has one (beneficial) rule for him and his body and another (detrimental to you, convenient to him) rule for you. He's not an adult or a king person if he doesn't see this inequality.

NoMoreLifts · 20/04/2023 06:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

She has used the other options. And done childbirth. And wouldn't mind another baby.
When does he take responsibility for his decision to not have more?

FOAD37 · 20/04/2023 06:51

What did you use before you had your child?

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 06:52

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 06:44

In and out is about 45 mins. I’m not sure they do them at GPs? Mine was done at the sexual health clinic by a private provider (thanks Tories). I had a phone call with Gp. Waiting list of about 6 months I think (ridiculous). I think this was mainly if I changed my mind, as in that time I had to have another call just prior with some from the private provider.
No stitches though. Maybe some glue, I’m not sure. It healed pretty quick anyway.

Show quote history

Well, they’re done at my practice and others in our trust. Actual process is 15 minutes, start to finish. You get a lovely chair to sit on and everything. A special chair women are very used to but which seems to make men uncomfortable, for some reason. Possibly because they don’t have to live with constant intrusion into their very personal spaces. For us it is life, pain and discomfort is life. That doesn’t mean we’re used to it and should continue it for the comfort and ease of men.

Pleased to see you got one. As will my husband when the time comes.

ememem84 · 20/04/2023 06:57

Similar boat here. Although I have the coil fitted. When it’s time is up though that’s it. No more.

I’ve asked DH to consider a vasectomy but he’s made up excuses. I think if he just came out and said “I don’t want to” I’d be ok with that. Does that make sense? But it’s the “oh they don’t do it here anymore I’d have to go to the Uk for 10 days” (they do). It’s major surgery (can be done here either as day surgery/outpatients). There’s a 95% chance he’ll end up in constant pain for the rest of his life. Etc.

im just not having sex.

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 07:01

Thanks. Let’s hope your DH isn’t like the OPs.

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 07:02

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 07:01

Thanks. Let’s hope your DH isn’t like the OPs.

Reply fail to @Peapodburgundybouquet

dottycat123 · 20/04/2023 07:03

I am the 1% saying YABU as I pressed the wrong button in error!

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 20/04/2023 07:04

Dontbelieveaword · 19/04/2023 22:17

Yeah, this would dry me up instanteously so problem solved, both agreeing not to have sex.

Completely this.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 20/04/2023 07:09

ThankmelaterOkay · 20/04/2023 07:02

Reply fail to @Peapodburgundybouquet

Show quote history

No, he volunteered to take himself when my pregnancy is over. He said I’ve done more than enough.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 20/04/2023 07:10

Is he actually any good in bed? It's clear he doesn't understand your body or care about your experiences so I can't imagine you'll be giving up anything.

Chonk · 20/04/2023 07:11

@dottycat123 at123 You can change your answer by selecting the other option instead.

OP, you say you've not used contraception for the last 2 years, how have you been preventing pregnancy until now? I agree that your husband is being selfish.

Original poster
SelfishH · 20/04/2023 07:13

so its okay for you to have excuses against all options, but hes not allowed to have a preference at all? YABU give the man a break. abstinence is your only choice.

Give him a break...a BREAK from fucking what!? He hasn't done anything on the contraception front to need a break from!

And yes he's allowed to have reasons / preferences but when those preferences and reasons are blindingly hypocritical i.e. I don't want someone to mess around with my balls so you should get the coil fitted, I'm allowed to say HANG ON MATE?! What?!

And when he's supposed to actually love and care about me and I'm telling him the reasons for my "excuses" (as you put it), which are all pretty horrible day to day affecting side effects, ones he's seen me experience before, and his answer to that is to minimise it and say it's 'just a pill' and refuse to even stick a condom on so that his WIFE someone he is meant to LOVE doesn't have to experience those things anymore, I'm also allowed to call him a selfish fucking cunt.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/04/2023 07:15

Absolute selfish pig. See how long he lasts then with no sex, like you say it will probably impact him more than you! Enjoy reading your book instead! He’s completely out of order

QueenofLouisiana · 20/04/2023 07:15

I'd say this is perfect. An early night now means a warm bath, a little time with something from LoveHoney followed by a good book. Living your best life!

Original poster
SelfishH · 20/04/2023 07:15

Chonk · 20/04/2023 07:11

@dottycat123 at123 You can change your answer by selecting the other option instead.

OP, you say you've not used contraception for the last 2 years, how have you been preventing pregnancy until now? I agree that your husband is being selfish.

By tracking my cycle and doing other things to ahem... Finish.

Not fool proof my any means I'm aware!

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 20/04/2023 07:20

SelfishH · 20/04/2023 07:13

so its okay for you to have excuses against all options, but hes not allowed to have a preference at all? YABU give the man a break. abstinence is your only choice.

Give him a break...a BREAK from fucking what!? He hasn't done anything on the contraception front to need a break from!

And yes he's allowed to have reasons / preferences but when those preferences and reasons are blindingly hypocritical i.e. I don't want someone to mess around with my balls so you should get the coil fitted, I'm allowed to say HANG ON MATE?! What?!

And when he's supposed to actually love and care about me and I'm telling him the reasons for my "excuses" (as you put it), which are all pretty horrible day to day affecting side effects, ones he's seen me experience before, and his answer to that is to minimise it and say it's 'just a pill' and refuse to even stick a condom on so that his WIFE someone he is meant to LOVE doesn't have to experience those things anymore, I'm also allowed to call him a selfish fucking cunt.

@SelfishH 👏👏👏👏👏👏I want to give you a standing ovation. Brilliantly put.

Gondala · 20/04/2023 07:21

That what I do and chart my temp (although I've just realised I forgot this morning..) BUT my husband knows if this didn't work we would have a baby and we are both fine with that. We would like a DC3 eventually. Once we've decided no more babies he will have to aort contraception if he wants sex. I can't believe people are suggesting getting your tubes ties when you've said you'd be open to another. He could leave you the next day. As others have said in your situation I would not be having sex with him. If he really insisted I would tell him I agree, I would love another baby too and am excited to start trying!

Zanatdy · 20/04/2023 07:22

Robin233 · 20/04/2023 06:08

I personally would have my tubes tied.
And I did but this was my second child.
Maybe deep down you do want another child ....

Why should she when it’s not her who doesn’t want another baby but him. He’s the one who is adamant he doesn’t want a second child, so he’s the one to make a permanent change to his body. OP could end up splitting up from this loser (hope you do OP) and want a child with someone else. So no, she definitely shouldn’t be having her tubes tied because her partner won’t have a vasectomy