To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

I don't think she's unreasonable to refuse the copper coil. I used the copper coil and had a 16 day period every month for around 12 months, before giving up and getting it out.

The copper coil is also linked to the development of autoimmune disease - it turns out having a foreign object in your body causes your body to produce autoantibodies against it which can lead to autoimmunity in some cases. I know this because this is what happened to me.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/11/141116094120.htm

I had the Mirena coil and it’s been absolutely amazing - I wish I’d had it years ago! And I’m very similar to the OP re the issues with hormonal contraception.

However, if OP cited health concerns as a reason not to use the coil, I think that would be entirely reasonable. But she didn’t - she said it was because she didn’t want someone “fiddling around with her bits” or words to that effect.

I think it’s just a bit tit for tat - he’s being an arse so she’s dug her heels in and refused to consider any other option. If she’d said that she had medical concerns about the coil, that would be very different and entirely fair enough.

FWIW, I don’t blame OP for doing the whole tit for tat thing. Her DH sounds infuriatingly ignorant and I’d be fuming if I were blithely told to “just take a pill”.

@SpidersAreShitheads
Saying it's tit for tat is minimising it.

I'd be incredibly hurt if I had a partner who went on like that. It would kill my sexual desire for him. Trust/safety/respect is hugely important to me sexually...and it's also sexy in itself.

No doubt he knows her history of using contraception and he is telling her he literally does not care at all if she suffers nasty side effects or has to be the one to go through the discomfort. It's disgusting.

She used the term 'fiddling with her bits' in response to him suggesting she should do it because he doesn't want them to "fiddle with his bits". That's not tit for tat, that's trying to show him how much of a hypocrite he is.

Edit. Saying it's tit for tat is minimising her husbands behaviour.
It's not tit for tat. He's being a complete misogynist

So he doesn’t want another child, but is refusing to use the one form of contraception that doesn’t disagree with you. He is being very selfish and unreasonable. Stand your ground op ❤️

I agree - it's not tit for tat.

By the way, mirena coils come with the same risks for autoimmunity as copper coils. Why should the OP potentially damage her body because he won't put a condom on?

That’s really sad.

I had a vasectomy last November so that my wife could come off the pill - we had decided that we didn’t want children. I felt huge guilt that for 15 years she had taken the pill, messing her body up. Yesterday my second sample came back with no sperm (the first one still had some) and she was so happy. We went out for dinner to celebrate.

I still worry about her coming off as she says it can cause issues after such a long time. But I am going to support her as best I can over the next 6-12 months: trying to cook more healthily, washing bedding/towels frequently as to help her skin (and mine!) as apparently you can get bad breakouts. It makes me so annoyed at myself that I didn’t do this at least a few years ago. And that I’ve contributed to her screwing her hormones for a moment longer than she had done.

It was a bit daunting having one aged 34, but I explained my reasoning and I think the male GP got it. The procedure does hurt a bit, but it heals within a week or so. I took a day off from work (Tues) and then WFH for the rest of the week. Went back to work the following Monday.

I heard a news thing on the radio yesterday that scientists are closer to a “pill” for men, or something. Where it switches off sperm production. The report said that it wasn’t hormonal as previous attempts had caused mood swings and ball shrinkage which deemed unacceptable. What cunts men are, truly.

Just what I was wondering.

I really hate when posters suggest this, but the fact that he’s actually saying that he won’t have sex with you if you don’t back down makes e wonder whether he could be getting it elsewhere, or planning to.

Refusing to have a vasectomy or even use condoms and expecting the woman to take responsibility is one thing, saying that he’ll just not have sex then rings alarm bells for me. Especially as you say his sex drive is higher than yours.

I'd be pissed off by this, but it's always been on women to f with their bodies hasn't it.

A vasectomy is a 10minute op. sterilisation takes a lot longer for a woman. And isn't there a man pill? If it's that simple he can take that.

Selfish behaviour knows no bounds, OP.

I haven't read the 7 pages of replies. But wanted to say this: my previous BF made me take the minipill (this was many years ago, before it was banned for health reasons) for 3 years. Because he didn't like using condoms. The minipill messed up my cycle long term and I'm still convinced it's why DH and I ended up needing medical help to conceive.

By contrast, my DH has always said "don't put ANYTHING artificial in your body unless it's for your own sake". He's been supportive through and through. Including now, 25 years later, when I've gone onto HRT, which he encouraged me to try, for MY sake.

I'm sorry but your DH's reactions are raising a number of red flags. Be careful.

I personally would have my tubes tied.
And I did but this was my second child.
Maybe deep down you do want another child ....

What a first class twunt he is. So many useless unsupportive men around.
If this is his attitude - is he worth it - such an important area and he is totally unable to compromise and he trumps everything. He’s so selfish isn’t he. I hope he has some redeeming features.

Sigh.

How come your DH/DP didn’t have a vasectomy?

Sorry to be rude but why the fuck would I do that?

To prevent an unwanted pregnancy.......

He’s being astonishingly cold, uncaring, ignorant and mean

If he took the time to educate himself for five minutes he would know that MOST women struggle in some ways with hormonal contraception. It is never completely side-effect free.

I too tried the coil but the heavy painful periods meant I could barely stand up for a few days each month, it was that bad

My DH And I currently use condoms as we also don’t want more dc, but he will have a vasectomy soon, it was his idea.

You, darling girl, have willingly shredded your own body to give him a beautiful DC and the least he could do is a bit of research and have a kindly conversation with you about the options.

What an arse. I wonder if he is as selfish as this in other areas of your relationship … can you stay with a guy who treats you like this?

Her husband is the one who didn't want another baby 🤔 OP was open to it...but yet she should get her tubes tied? 😂

Ah so he has sorted contraception then....being am unattractive dickhead. I really do think this conversation has solved your problem because even if he wore condoms, don't think I'd be interested in having sex with a man after a conversation like hat anyway. Problem solved.
(I would then also start assessing what else he brings to the marriage and would your life be better/easier without him)

And why should I be the only one to do anything about that?

Absolutely not a chance in hell will I be doing anything to my tubes! Certainly not. And even more so when he won't even entertain a conversation about getting a vasectomy. Laughable.

I absolutely despise men like this. Utter cunts.

Definitely not. Tubes tied is major surgery. Vasectomies are done in a lunch hour.

what a twat. Even if he does come crawling back I’d tell him to get stuffed. The pill is so bad for so many people. If it was on the market for men with the side effects it has it would have been pulled off the shelves by now.

Of course you shouldn't get your tubes tied if you don't want to - how ridiculous!

Does he realise how offensive he is being?

What are his opinions outside of this? Is this just deep subconscious misogyny, or is he outwardly misogynist?

Truly I wish men were all vasectomised aged 16, and when they want children they get a reversal (sure better research so it’s 100% blah blah), and re-snipped whilst their wife is in labour.