To think my husband is being staggeringly selfish?

[SelfishH]

Me and DH have one child together. We have decided no more. It was mainly his decision but I do agree with his reasonings although I'd probably have another if really given the choice but I am fine with just the one too, I don't feel desperately sad about no more if that makes sense.

Basically since having our son two years ago I haven't taken any contraception. I tried so many different things and I rarely got on with anything. The depo injection and the implant both gave me excessive bleeding which was absolutely horrible and I begged and begged to have the implant taken out early which they eventually did. I'll never ever try one of those again.

I cannot take the combined pill due to suffering from bad migraines and it was when I stopped taking the mini pill to conceive our son that I realised just how crappy/spotty etc it made me feel. I am absolutely loath to go back on any form of hormonal contraceptives.

This is where my AIBU is because we've just had an argument this evening where DH is now flat out refusing to do anything other than me taking the pill again. Won't use condoms because it's 'not the same' and won't have the snip because he 'doesn't want someone fiddling with his bits' (welcome to my world mate!) And all I have to do is take a pill.

I've asked him why he thinks I should place hormones in my body every day that I don't want so that he doesn't have to use a condom for 10 minutes. Or why I should have someone 'fiddle with my bits' (🤮 sorry) i.e. The coil so that he doesn't have to have it done to him?

His reaction/reasoning / just general way he's being about this is making me dig my heels in even further because I just think how is this solely down to me? He doesn't seem to give one iota of a shit about the reasons why I don't want to 'just take a pill' or any of the other things so long as he doesn't have to be the one to be inconvenienced at all i.e. by just wearing a bloody condom.

AIBU to think he's a selfish shit. He's said he won't have sex until I take some form of contraception and honestly I do not care, no worries at all! I'm not being blackmailed like that into doing something I don't want to do when he's making no effort whatsoever to discuss what he could also do (and I imagine he'd buckle on the no sex and just use a condom far sooner than I would anyway 😂).

He sounds awful.

Do not take the pill.

Best you don't have another child with someone so selfish.

Luckily I'm past the need for all this but there would not have been a cat in hell's chance I'd have had the coil. It is a 'foreign body' and it wouldn't be going in mine!

And as the OP has already given birth she's also had a fair amount of people 'fiddling around with her bits' whilst I'll hazard a guess her husband's had none.

Whatever her reasons, they're 'fair enough' and she has considered all the other options. He's the one that doesn't want any more children. She wouldn't mind so he needs to do something about it

I have noticed in recent years that H can be very selfless when it's a situation that doesn't really impact him too much or it doesn't mean he needs to do something he really doesn't want to do. Does that make any sense?

For example financially, he is never stingey with money. He is happy to give what he has in that sense and share it all. If I had a problem at work he'd be happy to sit up all night talking about it and helping me problem solve, he'd be happy to do things like take on a bit more financial burden so I could drop hours if that would make me happy etc etc..

BUT he wouldn't go out of his way to do something that he didn't want to do. So say if there was somewhere I really wanted to go for the day and it wasn't his cup of tea, he wouldn't just grin and bear it for my sake. It would be a flat 'no I don't want to'. Whereas I'm much the opposite. If my husband wants to go out for the day somewhere I'm not particularly interested but he'd love, I'd do it because that to me is something very simple I can do for him.

Those are just examples and not necessarily exact ones but I hope it makes sense.

Basically he is selfish, but in ways that seem a bit odd to me. He'd do big things that seemed very selfless and caring but then in other ways, sometimes smaller ways, he wouldn't put himself out. It doesn't make much sense to me but is something I've noticed more and more but which I find hard to explain!

I hope my ramble makes sense 😂

I hope he's not going elsewhere as he won't use condoms!

Invest in a decent vibrator and carry on.

I actually don't think he would go elsewhere but I appreciate you can never know these things!

Basically he is selfish, but in ways that seem a bit odd to me. He'd do big things that seemed very selfless and caring but then in other ways, sometimes smaller ways, he wouldn't put himself out. It doesn't make much sense to me but is something I've noticed more and more but which I find hard to explain!

Not odd at all. Some acts are more 'visible' than others. He does the visible ones where he can be seen to be the Good Guy

Start a new thread asking everyone for their pill side effects. Then show it to him. I'd bet you get loads. Mine was cycstic acne that persisted into my 30's. Went away when I came off the pill!

And I definitely definitely do see issues of misogyny. What he thinks are a woman's job. Not complete 'you should do everything whilst I work' style but in little ways. Like informing me when he's done anything in the house like he needs a pat on the back for it kind of stuff you know?

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but would it be worth him reading this (would he actually even bother to?)
How the Pill Changes Everything: Your Brain on Birth Contro

Well, if he did, he'd have the same issue lol. He'd have even less "control" over an affair partner and she could get pregnant too plus ruining his existing family. Then there is also the issue of STDs so he'd either have to use condoms or insist they both got regular tests. Sounds very sexy and exciting doesnt it?

Basically if there is something that he has decided he definitely doesn't want to do, big or small, he will not budge and doesn't see why that may be seen as selfish. The day out thing being an example of a smaller thing where I just don't get why he wouldn't put himself out for something so small to do something for me like I would in reverse.

He's a selfish arse and he's wrong about all women being fine with the pill. The first one I tried, I had constant breakthrough bleeding. The second one, migraines. I didn't take it after that. DH used condoms. Your DH has no idea how other couples are managing their fertility.

I also totally get the selfless selfish thing you talk about. Throwing money about is very easy if you have it.

What makes me laugh, is the fact they trialled a male pill, but cancelled it because the side effects weren’t worth it.

What was the side effects? Exactly the same as the women but the poor precious man can’t handle them.

I don’t like hormonal contraception. I’ve tried the coil and it was agony. My dh got the snip. Done.

Easy answer, he sees you as a lesser being than him.

I too had horrible side effects with hormonal contraception, and didn’t like it all being on me to remember. Wouldn’t touch them again.

Just to share my experience in case this helps:

We decided I would go on hormonal contraception (for the first time ever) for 1 year after our second DD, and if we were still sure we didn’t want any more, hubby would go for a vasectomy.

At the 1 year mark, he delayed a little (maybe 4 weeks) in booking the appointment.

I wasn’t prepared to continue putting my body through the hormonal contraception whilst he dithered. So I came off it and told him no more sex.

A few nights later I refused sex when he tried it on - he obviously hadn’t quite believed me.

He booked the appointment the next morning.

Stick to your values, OP.

I would recommend paying privately for the vasectomy if you can swing it. It was a much cushier experience for him, and a shorter (4 week vs 1 year) wait list.

Run for the hills, he don’t care about u.

I stopped using the pill for the same reasons as you (I'm very sensitive to hormones) and I've been using a diaphragm for years, basically it's a latex round piece that you insert down there before sex with some contraceptive lotion. You then remove it after a couple of hours. No side effects, no pregnancies and it's quite easy to be honest. I don't understand the need to stuff one self with unwanted hormones.

No he is being totally unreasonable.
You have tried numerous methods, none of which are suitable for you. He needs to accept that and work with you to find a solution that suits you both.
If he doesn't like condoms, maybe he should rethink "people touching his bits" and go for a vasectomy. It would solve the problem once and for all and a simpler option medically than tubal ligation (in case he raises that up).

I'd say, okay no sex then. Wait and see if he caves in. It's condom or nothing, unless you want another baby. Then it's a bonus. I had the same issues with the pill (migraines) and the depo made me bleed continuously. I was on condoms for a while until i had a copper coil fitted. It's been great, no side effects at all. Not suggesting you have it, at all. But just saying that it worked for me.

Sounds like you’re viewing him as part of a bigger picture, OP. And it’s ugly.

By the way, brava for this:

And when he's supposed to actually love and care about me and I'm telling him the reasons for my "excuses" (as you put it), which are all pretty horrible day to day affecting side effects, ones he's seen me experience before, and his answer to that is to minimise it and say it's 'just a pill' and refuse to even stick a condom on so that his WIFE someone he is meant to LOVE doesn't have to experience those things anymore, I'm also allowed to call him a selfish fucking cunt.

Yes this is what I've now said. Okay then no sex 🤷‍♀️ I guarantee he'll cave before I will on that front.

I totally relate to the 'selective' selflessness. I have endured joined in with all sorts of boring in-law shit that I find dull, as well as sport things that don't interest me, because I know it pleases H. But over time, have come to realise that it is not reciprocated. I love theatre and exhibitions and stuff like that - he doesn't. Fine. I MOSTLY go alone or with friends. But he could book occasional tickets for us for a special day because it would make me happy, but he chooses not to. However he presents as 'selfless' because, like your H, he will 'sacrifice' in ways that don't actually put him out. You need to keep pulling him up on it (as I have started to do).

In this instance, he is being mind-blowingly selfish. Your description of him mansplaining the Pill to you, gave me actual rage! It's good that you have drawn your line in the sand - don't cross it. I think he will break first.

Would he read something? If you presented him with a table or list that clearly demonstrated the utter madness of comparing 10 mins of condom wearing to the lifelong impact of putting hormones in your body? Or something visual that made him realise what a twat he was being? My H is quite visual. I once did a pie-chart to show him how little he was helping round the house (he genuinely believed it was 50/50%). He was quite shocked and did up his game.

What a selfish man.

I wouldn't judge you if you went off and found yourself someone else (with a vasectomy) to have fun with. He's pretty much killed the marriage with comments like those, his attitude is terrible.

Treat yourself to a few toys to amuse yourself with whilst you're in this impasse if you want to. He won't like that either but tough