To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

Positives.
Two parent family
GP will babysit/ help
Both working
Healthy
Kids healthy

Negatives
Have to do own decorating
Have to walk the dog
Have to clean own house

Conclusion
You are experiencing self pity and probably need to give yourself a big shake.

Lakeland used to do milk pouring spouts. They were a game-changer for us once the kids could go down and make their own breakfast, with the older one pouring from a little pint of milk for the younger one. Just make sure there’s nothing much they can get into (sharp knives etc) in the kitchen when you’re not there. Then make sure one of them knows how to put Cbeebies on. Weekend lie-ins (together) made the rest of parenting somehow a bit easier! Although maybe with your dog, you can’t avoid gettIng up early - so thankful I never gave in to the pressure to get one.

Maybe you can find a similar product if it would help you:

https://www.lakeland.co.uk/16646/2-milk-carton-topsters

She expects other people to understand her life, but she also thinks it's acceptable to think things like this:

[quote]and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.[/quote]

How does she know what their lives are really like? I know people think these things about me and assume my life is so easy. They don't see the numerous medical appointments, the hours of worry waiting for test results, looking after elderly relatives because I'm the one who has no kids, working hard to make and maintain friendships so I have people to do things with. Being solely responsible for the mortgage and bills, with nobody to lean on if I get too sick to work. I'm pretty sure things would be even harder with kids, which is why I haven't had any. I want to enjoy my life as much as I can. Yes, I do have a lot of really nice things, but I've also made a lot of sacrifices, exactly the same as OP.

OP seems to be only seeing the positives of everyone else's situation, and only the negatives of hers. She doesn't really have a problem, she has a mindset issue. She feels hard done by.

This.

I understand, but maybe she’d rather have help in the daytime with taking the load off. Especially with them not being fully school age yet, it’s okay to want what other people have even if there’s others that are worse off than you.

Plus I think anyone would be a bit offended if family were only willing to watch their children while they were asleep, it would leave you thinking “my children aren’t that bad surely”. Mine aren’t willing to help at all but it’s still okay for OP to wish she had it easier.

Worth keeping in mind.

Do you regularly have dog owners at work telling you how easy you have it because you don't have a dog? Needling comments about how lazy and idle you are? People feeling entitled to ask for endless favours from you, for you to work unfavourable shifts because they need to get home to their dog? Any time you mention feeling tired or ill, "you don't know what tired is until you get a dog"? Being excluded from activities because you "wouldn't understand" what real adult life is like, as a non dog owner? Being treated as a silly immature child because your lack of a dog means being able to have a lie-in and go on holiday without worrying about kennels? Do dog owners complain to you about how people just don't understand how tough their lives are because of the dog they chose to get?

No, I didn't think so.

I do think you sound very lucky and are probably just feeling a little down.

I was on my own with DC and had no one to help out. I met DH through work and had lunch break dates. Those years on our own were great minus the money issues.

I think you have to appreciate the little things and make time for yourself. You might not be able to go out as much as you'd like but you can have movie nights in, have a bottle of wine in the garden in the summer, buy fancy ingredients and cook together, get your DH to give you a massage...

Of course mindset is a factor! I'm very happy with my set up even without help.

I still don't think it's necessary to shit on the OP because she's feeling a bit hard done by and missing out on what her childless friends have. It's just a tiny snapshot of how she thinks and feels, in one moment.

Anway OP, remember one day they'll be that bit bigger and that bit more independent. For now focus on all the positives of your life. It's easy to get bogged down when you're tired though, I do understand

This is a you problem though not an OP problem. She's posted online, you've sought that out. She's not one of these people in your office. You need to step back a bit

But again, it's such an insensitive, self absorbed mentality.

OP could have freely chosen not to have kids, and she'd have exactly what her childless friends have. Many of them may not have had the option to have kids (whether because they couldn't find a partner in time, had fertility issues, or any number of things) and are trucking on, trying to make the best of a bad lot rather than moping. I think a lot of parents are completely oblivious to this fact, and I think a lot of people would be a damn sight happier if they chose to focus on what they have instead of what they think they deserve.

Won’t be forever. Don’t get another pet in the future if you want to lighten your load

I'll be honest, I don't understand either. WHY are you finding it so hard? I did this, no family support at all nearby, we were far away because of work. You have a slightly different age gap than we did, by a year, but it's still not that hard. Perhaps I adjusted my expectations more than you have, or perhaps your DH is not pulling his weight, that's all I can see. The way we survived, and it was not easy, it was tiring and hard going sometimes, was that we really both pulled our weight.

Start your own thread instead of bringing your problems onto this one.

I completely understand op and could afford paid childcare if necessary. However, I didn't spend a night away from the children until dd was 5 - so for 8.5 years.

My lowest point was once when I was ill. Got a 5 year old and 18 monther in the car to get to a Dr's appointment at their teatime so both grizzly. Got to Dr's, got both out of the car, got them both back in the car, drove to pharmacy. Got them out, then got them back in. Got back home and got them out again. They grizzled continuously and I felt awful. I cried. It was the only time I cried and the only time I'd have loved a grandparent to have been close enough to come over while I went to the Dr's. I still remember it and they are 28 and 24 now.

@Keepingheadabovewaterjust I get it and you have it multiplied many times over. I was super lucky but there were still really shit times.

You've missed the point. I was explaining why the dog comparison was silly.

I don't have a problem. I'm happy to be childfree. My point is that people like OP don't ever seem to stop to consider that they did make an active choice to have kids, and that the people they're so very jealous of have their own problems and struggles.

But hey, enjoy fuelling the pity party. I've made my point, and OP can either choose to change her mindset or continue feeling like a victim. No skin off my nose.

In the words of a buddy song. Life isn’t bliss, life is just this, it’s living.

life is relentless and the grass isn’t greener and you are putting far too much on the having family support.

and you want empathy but you have no idea what goes on with others. I have great family support and money to do stuff but also a 10 year old whose anxiety means having managed 2 days at school he needs a day off so I have rearranged everything for him. And sat with him and made it all better and it’s all on me. But I wouldn’t change any of it

GeriKellmansUpdo

Well, you can’t do things together can you? My friend, split from wife and got a new partner. They then lived life of Riley on kid free weekends.

I'd venture that if you would rather split from your spouse than do anything on your own/ with other people, the marriage is not in the best of shape anyway.

i absolutely understand. I wanted to throat punch anyone who started any question with “Why don’t you just….?” I lived on the other side of the world (from Aus) with three wee ones, a DH who was away more than half the year and also saying “Why don’t you just…?” when I genuinely needed help (While thinking he still had an opinion). No fucking money, no choices, no family, just a trailing spouse alone with a DH who didn’t even bother learning about the different medical/education/legal/real estate, etc system (because it didn’t suit him to do so) and embarrassed himself wildly when voicing his valuable “Man Opinion”

I had an idea of what parenting would be like before actually doing it, but of course, you can never truly know what will happen OR how you react to it.

Growing up, my mum was extremely close with her sisters, one was child free, one had 3 kids, we were as close as siblings to our cousins. We spent school holidays with the aunt who had kids as she didn't work, the aunt with no kids would babysit every Saturday night and my parents would go out.

We spent time with our grandparents, we did 'overnights' although not often.

So my preconception of being a parent was based on this, as only it could be. We waited until we were financially able to afford full time nursery then went for it.

I became very unwell after DC 1. I got PND so severe I was almost sectioned. I had never been depressed in my life, so the feeling was like being hit by a truck. I wanted to die.
'Friends' left fast. I was so heavily medicated that I gained 4 stone and ended up with back and knee problems from the weight, so I found the days not only mentally draining, but physically painful. Crawling in bed at 7pm after putting DC down was and is all I can manage. The idea of getting ready and dragging my carcass out is almost laughable.

Both mine and DH's mums suddenly died, within 3 months of each other when first DC was 7 months old. It was a shock, a nasty one at that, and suddenly I felt so isolated.

We had to move for work and had to buy a second car, both on part time salaries. Our finances took such a nosedive it was not something we planned or prepared for. We are now in thousands of pounds worth of debt so no cleaner or tradesmen here.

One of my siblings moved away, the other is not very supportive, despite having her own children. I have babysat for her but she has never returned the favour.

I have 2 DC, I'm not as heavily medicated now and things are better in that regard, but we have no help, and can't pay for help either. I never anticipated how soul crushing it would be to never go out as a couple at night, to not keep a house clean and organised with two small children whilst holding down jobs, paying for nursery and navigating this new 'normal'.

Add a DC into the mix who is high needs, anxious and difficult to leave with anyone and you have a real recipe for exhaustion.

I understand OP. I too see a lot of people with help from grandparents, cleaners, more money etc and not makes me so sad that I don't have this big extended family to hold me up on days where I can barely stand with tiredness. It's hard. You have my sympathy ❤️‍🩹

@CinnamonTeabags for someone who is childless by choice you seem to know an awful lot about 'normal life' and 'this is just life with kids.' If you haven't been through it you can't begin to understand the relentlessness and responsibility of it all. We have all lived single lives before becoming parents and sometimes it's easy to look back at that time and remember how much easier it was to just be free and responsible for yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. How on earth does it make someone entitled?

Nobody is suggesting that other people and - shock - even those without kids have problems. But I wouldn't loiter around their forums telling them their problems aren't valid and they should be grateful for what they have.

It is hard! But it sounds like your issue is not your kids but your capacity and never ending To Do list.

Have you tried applying the 4 D’s to Time Management? Worth Googling. We can’t do all the things all the time and expecting to be able to will just lead you to burnout and a miserable existence.

“you could just take a picnic and a bottle if wine to a park”. Are you for real??

1. That would be a pretty pathetic date.
2. In many areas it is illegal to drink alcohol in public.
3. I don’t really see the OP and her DH mixing in with the majority of people who tend to drink in parks at night!

@Jumbojade wow! Ferocioys response. Yes I am for real. I guess it depends where you live. We have loads of gorgeous parks near us with beautiful views, sunsets etc, and do this often. Both with friends and also wuth OH. Lots of other people in their 30s and 40s. Nothing seedy about it. In fact, in the summer we would prefer to do this rather than fight for outside space at a pub.