To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I'm clearly talking about the context of the UK. OP is in the UK. If she hadn't wanted children, she wouldn't have had them. She made a free, active choice to have a family, and now she's regretting it. I do wish people would put more thought into it.

I hear you OP. My kids are a bit older, but we've not had a night out together (without kids) for 5 years. Can't afford babysitters, family too far away/ill, friends all have babysitters on tap so not interested in a reciprocal arrangement.

We're also exhausted with work, life etc.

Rant away!

@CinnamonTeabags sounds very bitter, I understand it's hard being childless but OP wouldn't trade what she has for anything. Just sometimes it gets hard, it's not like she feels like this all the time!

She's literally venting about the hard parts of parenting on a parenting website. This is pretty typical..

She is not regretting it fgs. She's tired and is having a moan. Parents of children are allowed to moan about how much of a slog it can be at times, it doesn't mean they don't love or want their children, obviously.

If you're being serious, logistically can, you're sure your husband would be good, and dc be fine - I'd wholeheartedly recommend this. From experience, it's lovely.
(And ti the poster who said you can do this anyway, you're right you can but it takes organising, there a wonderful spontaneity and freedom in being automatically able to say yes).

To the op - you need to make the best of the help you do have, which is actually quite a big one - there's 2 of you! Ok, finances may prevent you going out together (but like others have said, babysitting circles), but there's nothing stopping you at all going out separately. If you're both 9-5, there's 7 nights per week and whole weekends to take turns. If your husband is controlling that, which you alluded to upthread, then that is a whole other problem. And in fact, where this problem has stemmed.

I'm there with you. Two young children, the apples of my eye, but it's all about them from 7am to 9pm and it gets exhausting!!! I joined a gym this year and go 3 times a week to do something for myself. My wife and I often take it in turns to go out for some air and exercise for an hour too. My family are abroad and hers offer no help, but we wouldn't ask either to be honest as the children just want us! I'm also thinking this will pass and they will be more independent before we know it, this is the toughest stage. I'm also aware that some people have children with disabilities and/or higher needs and it could be much, much, more difficult with little respite as they age in sight.

This is basically what I was trying to say, but you worded it better.

OP isn't "going through" some terrible situation, she's just being a parent. This is what normal life looks like for parents in the UK. Nobody has loads of time to themselves or loads of money, and if they do, it's often because they put in the work earlier in life to get into the financial position where those things are possible.

It's completely normal to clean your own house, do your own DIY and walk your own dog. Being able to outsource this stuff is a privilege, not the norm. Not being able to afford holidays is normal when you have two young kids, especially now the price of holidays has shot up. I think some people have very unrealistic expectations of what real life looks like, and they think they're the Kardashians or something.

I can go on nice holidays and get a cleaner in...because I've chosen not to have kids! That's the trade off. If I had kids, I'd be as poor as OP is, and with no free time. Unless you're exceptionally fortunate, you don't get to have it all. You compromise and sacrifice to have the lifestyle you want.

Yep. Also, we don’t really do this to people about any other life choice - as far as I can see it’s something that’s almost exclusively only said to mothers in relation to having children (not fathers).

Tbh your no different to any of the parents in the UK currently struggling. At first I thought you were going to say one of your dc has additional needs unless ive missed this. I think people might shutting off when your commenting about your struggles because they have there own. The friends that are childish might be lonely, struggling to conceive, caring for a sick relative.

Honestly calling your parents crap and selfish because they will only babysit when your children are in bed is very ungrateful. You already said you would be too tired to go out once YOU get them to bed yourself so they are obviously a nightmare to get to sleep. You should work on that.

Being jealous because people have money for babysitter, dog walkers, DIY and cleaners? The bloody majority of us don't have that. Some people can['t afford to eat and you are moaning because you have to do your own cleaning.

we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first

I mean boo bloody hoo. You had to put the kids to bed first? How absolutely horrific.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone

How the hell are you alone? You have a partner and you have parents who will babysit once your kids are in bed.

Parenting is HARD, we all know that but honestly the things you are moaning about do not warrant so much self pity. It's just normal life......without a LOT of the problems others have. Compare yourself to them instead of the ones with cleaners and dog walkers and those who have grandparents who put the kids to bed before they go out. Grass is always greener granted but some people have no bloody grass at all.

No, she's literally complaining that people don't understand what she's going through, and that she's not getting the empathy she feels entitled to, for living the lifestyle she chose.

Childfree*

We now swap childcare with other families but not in the evening - during the day at the weekend. And we just go for a long walk. We are too tired in the evening and I think children are easier to manage when just playing together in the day and noone has to try and put them to bed. Your situation sounds really hard. We no longer rely on family as they only like to pitch in on the fun stuff so maybe try your friends?

I don't mind parents venting at all. I have friends with kids who vent loads, and to be honest, it influenced my decision not to have any.

I do mind parents with a martyr complex who shit on childless people and act like their lives are so easy and they have no real problems. I do mind parents who expect childless adults to pander to them. It's unacceptable.

I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard. But it isn’t really fair to say no one ‘gets it’. Once my children grew up, I got full time care of my father with dementia. Do you get that? People are always telling me how lucky I am that he’s lived so long - they should spend a week with him. Do any of us really ‘get’ other people’s situations?

I lived abroad when I had my two. No family around. I paid nursery employees to babysit, exchanged babysitting with friends constantly and tag teamed with my DH so that we got a break. And the pluses were that no one second guessed our decisions, we’re a tight little unit even now and DH and I feel enormously proud of our adult children.

Try reframing your viewpoint to one of pride and achievement and it may seem easier. Be kinder to yourself - and others.

No children here so I've not been in same position but I used to babysit every other month for friends with children the same age as yours (and another friend did same so they'd get a monthly date night). Kids were changed into PJs but definitely not asleep!

I was happy to do as a favour (taxi home paid for, before I owned car, and tea & biscuits provided) as long as not too frequent and not too late. Do ask your friends if they'd be willing to do something a few times a year- you might be pleasantly surprised.

I had a terrible time as I am disabled, my mum is disabled and lives far away, she couldnt cope with small children mentally anyway. My IL’s would move heaven and earth for their daughters but have no time for us. I couldn’t drive for a long time due to my disability and DH never bothered, his very large and available family didn’t offer to help once.

I am now coming out of the other end, the children are easier now they are bigger and more independent, me and DH have settled in to a routine and i have a job now so we have some more money to spare. My disability is now medicated properly and it’s better. I must look like one of the “lucky” ones now.

just to reassure you that it won’t always be like this x

Can you talk too/ask a friend my children are adults now and I have a friend with two young children and I offer to help because I remember how bloody hard it is. I babysit every couple of months for free; it makes no difference to me if I sit in my house or hers whist they go out. I also pick up from sometimes school and look after them for a few hours I enjoy it.
As someone once said to me if you don’t ask you don’t get!

I’m really just wanting to vent with someone in the same boat that’s all and there is light at the end of the tunnel as they are getting easier already as they get older x

Vent away, it allowed What isnt allowed is the expectation of others swooping in to help. To use a MN phrase , its not a race to the bottom but I had your experience topped by a useless husband and medical conditions. I had to do it all. Should I be upset that people like you (and many others) don't understand what I went through? Of course not. Just keep looking for the silver linings in life and you'll come out the other side happier and more content.

Well, she's not?

She's not saying nobody in the world is, she's saying no one in her real life social circle is in the same situation. So she's completely right. And she obviously knows other people in the world go through this, that's why she's reaching out!

Honestly...

We're in a similar boat, except we don't have any family support at all, not even evening babysitting. I agree it's hard, and people with family support don't get it.

The thing that has made most difference is for DH and I to have time off separately. We've accepted it's mostly too difficult for us to have evenings out together while the kids are young. But I have an evening out with friends at least once a fortnight, and he does the same. Sometimes if I'm not feeling sociable I do something solo like go to an exhibition or museum (in London so many have late openings, not sure if that applies where you are).

I’m in the same boat op.

I have a four-year-old and a five year old, no money for any extra help, even though we both work… We are renovating a house, so doing most of it ourselves at night… Between my husband and I, we only have one parent and they are elderly and unable to help.

It’s crap!

Hand hold OP it’s rough, your experience and the way you feel is valid.

Before having kids noone really expects to not have any external help. I spent my whole childhood at grandparents/aunts/etc so thought that was ‘normal’. When I had mine suddenly my parents were nowhere to be seen. No we don’t automatically have a right to them helping out, but it is a kick in the teeth seeing a lot of other people have that support.

All I can say is we don’t know what they’re going through either. They could have grandparents help every day of the week but be struggling with other things (health, finances, relationships, trauma).

Ignore those that are being too harsh on you, it’s totally normal to feel how you feel ❤️

She has parents to help. Just only after 8.30 pm.

It’s funny. I’ve made the choice not to get a dog. I don’t like them much and to be honest I think they’re a bit of a scourge on society - they shit everywhere and it isn’t like they’ll grow up and pay taxes to support retirees.

Yet I’ve never once felt the urge to go on the Doghouse board and write long responses telling people who are struggling with their pets that they chose to have them and should have chosen to remain dog-free, like me.