To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I think she means a park like the time with a lake or forest and facilities, not drinking cider in the local estate play park 😂

Nope, it doesn’t sound tough it sounds like normal every day life for millions of people the world over.

You sound very sorry for yourself. Make the best of what you do have instead of dragging yourself down. You’ll feel better for it..

That’s life

@TellMeTheMewth Exactly! Thank you!!

@DanceMonster

I am sure there is respite care that your child can have,

Ask children social services about this,so you can have,break sometimes,

Where i live there is a lovely day care for Adults with speacial needs too.

When I was a child growing up with my family who adopted me, we used to look after speacial needs girl, who suffered from epilepsy fits a lot,
So her parents could have a breaks and spend some quality times, with their other child too.

We also used to go to Breakthro charity which used to have social events for families with children with speacial needs ect in the community.

Some people have life a lot easier for many and varied reasons - inheritance or gifts from family which make the financial burden easier, good health and good health of children, no SEND in children, area in which they live and what to do there/countryside/facilities, living near family who are available to childmind free.

We don't all start from the same base, many have vast privilege and some a head start or foot up and some nothing at all. You can only do what you can do but comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing what others that have it easier/better to you. Compare yourself to those that are not healthy, have children with SEND, no jobs, financial problems etc. Try to look at the good and not dwell on the not so great (compared to your friends). Things will ease, children will become more independent and help you with chores or should do perhaps now? More time on your hands. Financial plan, check for waste spending etc.

Hid loads of people are like this. Widowed parent here not been away from my kids in 5 years and no hubby to share the slack with. Why should anyone else understand that isn’t in that situation.

I am now feeling smug that mine are teens who can drive.

I remember once being in a car with my dad and my 2 DC in the back aged about 7 and 10. I asked my dad if I could jump out of the car and go to the shop and meet him back home. It was about 400 metres from his house. I was literally 5 minutes. When I got home he was so pissed off. You'd think I'd asked him to babysit for a fortnight.

That's the level of help I've had.

I'm afraid @Jumbojade, your response says more about the area you live in rather than anything else. It sounds like a lovely date to me.

Seems like the mean girls are out in force today.

But OP is remembering HER childfree life and projecting it onto others. Therein lies the issue. She has no idea whether or not these people have it as easy as she did. She's comparing herself to people whose lives she really doesn't understand at all.

What in OP's post doesn't seem like normal life to you? Isn't it standard to clean your own house and walk your own dog and look after your own kids? I must have missed the memo where everyone else in the world has full-time help.

@CinnamonTeabags well "normal life" is relative isn't it. What's normal, day to day life for one person could be wildly different for another. If you're someone who has the money for a cleaner or a nanny then OP's life would seem like a hard slog. If you are someone with a life limiting illness or living on the streets then it might seem a whole lot better. The point is, we all have our own struggles regardless of how our life might look to others. And that's allowed. Isn't that the point you're also making?

For me, it does all sound pretty standard. However that doesn't mean that we aren't allowed to complain about it from time to time. Life with young kids IS hard, harder still when you have little money and no support so that you can have a break. Why are you struggling so much with that? Why isn't the OP allowed to feel exhausted and frustrated?

Hi all, sorry just trying to read through the replies.

in hindsight I can see my post does come across a bit woe is me and whiny and it helps to have constructive advise and a virtual shake up to see the good things I do have in life.

just to address some comments - I’m not slating people who don’t have children I’m saying in my case when I try to describe my struggles to friends without kids they don’t seem to get what my problem is. I’m not saying they don’t have problems of their own just that they can’t see mine as they don’t experience it.

yes I did choose to have two children and yes they are still my greatest achievement and very much wanted but choosing to have them doesn’t make it easier and do any of us really know how hard it is until we do it?

it’s good to know lots of people are having the same problems in me - all I was saying was that in my circle of physical friends I seem to be the only one without good family support. My hubby is great and supportive but he is also drained - prob I try too hard to do everything and not think of myself enough.

im going to push for more time together and also more time on our own as well. Family time seems so limited it’s hard to sacrifice that even for personal time.

evenings are late because that’s the only time to wash up, washing, tidying etc as both work all day when kids not around.

yep we chose to have a dog the same as we chose the kids and she is a member of our family and a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

I appreciate the supportive comments and some really great advice which I will take on board and action. It’s good to know I’m not the only one and really all I wanted I guess was to have something in common as my real life surroundings don’t seem to be in the same boat that’s all

Putting your children to bed first before having a night out sounds good to me. That's fairly standard for baby sitters too.
The reason you don't see other parents like you is that they barely go out either!
It was pretty boring, but when we had children that age, we would put them to bed and then have a takeaway or special meal for just the 2 of us with candles and everything.

It's ok to vent OP, we have a bit more help and not as much as most of the people around us, in terms of grandparents and money for cleaners/gardeners/not having to do their own DIY etc. It is hard and I try to remember that other people have it harder, it isn't a race to the bottom and it's OK to vent, pick yourself up and carry on.

Make life as easy as possible. Housework wise, a dishwasher helps and having less clutter is easier to clean. We have a robot vacuum cleaner and it's a revelation. We had mice in our flat and no option not to hoover every day, this fixed it.

Tell your DH that you need alone time at the weekends, even a morning every week/every other week where you can both have some downtime.

I am child free and didn’t think you were slating child free people at all. Your description of my life is accurate. Yes, I can sleep in if I want - I usually don’t but I have the choice. Of course I have other problems but the responsibility of children is pretty high end if you ask me. It just wouldn’t work for me. On top of all the hard work I would be so anxious all the time it would annoy the kids and send me to an early grave. You are doing great, op.

I agree with this poster.

Parenting is hard whatever your situation. I have to be honest though, your situation seems pretty good. 2 of you to share the load. Can go out just have to put kids to bed first- big deal!

I’m not slating people who don’t have children I’m saying in my case when I try to describe my struggles to friends without kids they don’t seem to get what my problem is. I’m not saying they don’t have problems of their own just that they can’t see mine as they don’t experience it.

This part...no. Your childfree friends likely don't see what your problem is because what you are describing to them is exactly what they expected having children to be like. What they probably don't understand is why you didn't expect this. None of what you've described is a surprise to most people. People don't need to have children to know what it entails. It really is the reason a lot of people choose not to. I'm sorry you're feeling shit about it all, but it won't help you to wallow in the belief that no one else can understand your life.

It sounds like a perfect date to me. We have some beautiful parks and people do take a posh picnic and a bottle of wine. I don't think those people with their little F&M picnic baskets on a Sunday afternoon are the same as the white lightning crowd.

I agree. As a childless person it's also difficult to know how to respond to your parent friends venting about this, because you either fall into the trap of being overly sympathetic (and getting the "you're so lucky you don't have to deal with the horrors that I have to deal with, poor me" response) or the trap of not seeming sympathetic enough (and getting the "you just don't understand what it's like because you don't have kids" response).

I mean, most of the parents I know, their lives do sound bloody awful and they rant about it all the bloody time. I can't exactly agree with them without offending them. And when I do say "wow, that sounds really hard," they inevitably start going on about how lucky I am not to have to deal with it.

Basically I think parents and childless people don't mix well, a lot of the time.

There's a world of difference between "this is way harder than I thought it would be - is anyone else in the same boat?" and "nobody understands how hard my life is, especially those childless people with their lie-ins and holidays", IMO.

Some people have truly awful situations they didn't choose and absolutely don't deserve. Terrible, life altering illnesses, dreadful bad luck, etc. These are the things that warrant a "nobody gets how hard it is" vent. I'm not sure how anyone has children and doesn't expect it to be monotonous, boring, draining and hard work. It's exactly what I'd expect it to be like, and that's why I didn't want to do it.

Like, imagine if I started a post complaining that nobody understands how hard and stressful it is to travel often. All the 4am alarms to make it to the airport for my early flights, cramped economy seats, cramming my liquids into little bags. It's all just so hard. Do you think I'd get any sympathy here? Of course I bloody wouldn't. People would rightly tell me to get a grip and that I could choose not to travel if I didn't want to deal with the downsides. But what's the difference, really? They're both lifestyle choices. I don't HAVE to travel, and OP didn't HAVE to have kids. To someone who never got the chance to have kids despite desperately wanting them, OP's rant is as galling as my travel rants would be to most of you.

vent away op, everyone needs to sometimes. You’re doing great and things will get easier.

I find most parents just seem to need to invalidate your problems, whatever they might be, because they're convinced they have it so much worse.

As you say, what you are supposed to say when they whinge and vent? If you say "yeah, it sounds awful, glad I didn't have kids" you look mean and insensitive. If you tell them to appreciate what they have, you don't understand what they're going through. There's no right answer. I very much suspect that a great many of them deeply regret their choice but don't want to admit it to others or themselves. I've had a handful come out and say it directly, but the barbed comments about lie ins and holidays and being very obviously jealous of my life give the rest away.

No one’s missed the point. You clearly do have a problem.

I said I’ve chosen not to get a dog because I don’t like them much, but I’ve never felt the urge to go over the Doghouse board and berate dog owners when they complain about their pets. You responded saying it’s a silly comparison because of all the bad things parents do to childfree people, while dog owners don’t do those things.

You’ve chosen to berate a parent, on a parenting thread, on a parenting website, for their feelings. And your justification for doing so is the way some other parents treat you at work and in life.

Incidentally I think all OP said about childfree friends is that they have lie ins etc and that they have no idea why her life is so hard. Not that they owe her anything or that they don’t have problems of their own. Personally, I don’t think I would have understood why OP is finding things so tough before I had children.

The reality for most is that they go through exactly this OP, they break themselves, financially and emotionally, sometimes physically, to have children, and those children grow up, move out, and virtually disappear.

Is that really the reality for most? I know several families with young children who seem perfectly happy - not all the time of course, but who is?
I also now several families where the adult children didn’t just disappear from their parents’ lives, but manage to maintain a good relationship.
My husband and I have children, we’ve been through some difficult times, but we wouldn’t want it any other way. We’ve also had so many great moments with our kids.
To say “What’s the point?” because of your colleague’s bad experience is a bit of a generalization.