To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I had to re-read your OP a few times.

There is nothing wrong with having a rant about parenting small DC, and of course it can feel tiring and relentless.

But you frame is as if you are 'going through' something that is not normal or is different for most people, and like it is a life challenge, rather than 'being a parent'.

I've read most of the replies to you and I am surprised that so many agree that GP support is an intrinsic part of rearing children. I think it's lovely when GPs are local, and involved in your and DC life, of course. I know some families who have this, and many more who don't. I didn't myself, and didn't think anything of it - my own mum was the same, her mum lived at the other side of the country so I never experienced that idea of family help.

I am a single parent to 3 DC, no involvement from their father, no family support, work full-time. I'm not saying this in a 'I have it harder than you' sense. Just that I consider that my situation is genuinely a challenge - I obviously never anticipated this being my life, and expected to be having children with a partner there too. But I accept what it is, I also accept that with the particular demands of my life, I don't have time to socialise or have 'proper' friendships. (Know lots of people, but I don't have the chance to share at a more deeper level, I have no-one to talk to about 'real' problems).

I don't think you are wrong for finding life hard but I do struggle reading comments like this I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. You are just raising your DC, with your supportive DH - why do you need understanding and empathy? Other posters have made good suggestions about how you can change your routine to get more quality time / rest so perhaps consider those.

Otherwise, without meaning to be harsh, you need to reframe your perspective on what life looks like.

You are not the only one who is struggling. But you should not complain about having to do dog walking.

That sounds really tough. I really hope things improve for you as the kiddos get older ❤️ I am eternally grateful for the support of some of my family and and absolutely in no doubt of how much harder life would be without that support. Is there any friends you could ask for support, or is it possible to save up a small amount to pay a babysitter once or twice a month so you and your OH could do something together. It doesn’t have to be something expensive. Xx

@CinnamonTeabags well done on the most tone deaf comment!!

This is what I asked. If your kids are both in childcare then they're not home for alot of the day so I don't understand what the two of you are doing until 9.30 every night. I have a to do list that I never quite manage to get through and my DH is pretty useless, but I do manage to do the day to day and I only do "work 7-7. Once DC is asleep, that's it, I'm too fried (if I did things til 9.30 I feel I'd have so much done!). Not a criticism as I really do feel for you, but I'm sure there must be some stuff you can do/not do, to give you a break. Also yoir children are older too so technically they should be less work than a baby/toddler at least as far as supervision and not needing everything done for them

Honestly, I do struggle to view that as life being hard. My DS is profoundly disabled, and I am clinging to sanity by the tips of my fingers at this point. It just seems like you have somewhat too high expectations of what life with small children is like.

@CinnamonTeabags you are wrong. Having children doesn't mean you sign up for a single experience, because children are different so you don't know quite what you're going to get.

You might know several families well, know what's involved in raising kids - then when you have them, yours have SEN or challenging personalities or behaviours, health problems, you might have financial or relationship difficulties - sure you can know the ball park of what's involved in having kids, but there's no way to predict your own individual experience because it's shaped by so many factors.

Also - if you don't like parents venting about the negatives of parenting, why are you on a parenting thread on a parenting website?

Sadly I can see the benefits as well, even though the reality I would miss seeing my DC

well aren’t you a delight @CinnamonGeebag

Any woman can choose to be childless.
Of course they can, well depending on what country they live in……. financial situation……. culture, religion oh wait maybe…. 🤔

I feel for you. Parenting really is relentless at times and you often long for some time alone. I became obsessed with time out, I used to fantasise about booking into a hotel, on my own, just to sit and stare at the wall!
It does get better, mine are 15 and 17 but I now have poorly/needy parents so have swapped one set of slog for another but as your parents won’t invest in you and their DGC now when they get old and needy you can tell them to bugger off because you are out/on holiday/having fun/time to yourself.

I think you are all mad to be considering divorce before asking your own partners to step up.

It is hard without family support. Our family are 5 hours drive away and I do envy parents that have a lot of support but we're used to it and it's our choice to have a child and not live where we grow up. This has had a big impact on if we try for another child and for an easier life we're sticking with one. My DS is 3 in the summer and we've had 1 evening meal out together since he was born. It is hard. I often dream about going to a spa hotel for the weekend but that would mean arranging my parents to travel, stay over, arrange a dog sitter for their dog and DS is simply not used to others putting him to bed, it's all such a faff so we don't bother.

Not a particularly helpful comment really. Does it make you feel good to kick people when they are down online?

It depends how good the kids are going to bed doesn't it? My grandchildren were good went to bed no issues and I would read them a story at this age and they would settle down and go to sleep afterwards. However if they were hellers who refused to go to bed and do as they were asked then I wouldn't want to get involved. It's not for me to discipline them and my daughter would not expect me to. Grandparents get a lot of stick sometimes on MN about their lack of support but if the grandchildren have been brought up to rule the roost I don't blame them stepping back. You only ever hear one side of the story.

Tbh your parents babysitting once they're asleep doesn't sound that bad to me. It's not perfect but I think you could be a bit more grateful.

Our kids are 12&16 and we've never had any help with childcare and have never had a night away or anything like that. It is what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️. I don't think it's that unusual although I agree that sometimes it stings seeing people who have grandparents etc available for back up eg if they're sick or have an appointment or whatever. Dwelling on it just makes it worse though and it does get easier as they get older.

I don't think it's unusual to have to do your own DIY, cleaning and dog walking tbh.

You are in the eye of the storm now, it will get better.

When DS got to primary I networked hard with the other parents in his class, and offered lots of play dates and sleepovers with his two closest friends when they were old enough for it. A few years later, one mum is finally out of the toddler stages with her other kid so is happy to host sleepovers, and the other is moving in a few weeks to a place where she finally has room to reciprocate.

With other mothers, I've now got a network of mums who are happy to do the occasional school run when I can't - I took one child this morning when the parents had a medical appointment and tomorrow I'm taking a neighbour child for the same. And several of them have helped me back over the years at short notices when there was a traffic jam or family emergency.

Likewise, DH got involved on the local football coaching and there's lots of swaps and favours done with the dads as well.

Is that kind of thing a possible option in your locality?

I don't have kids, but I do sympathise. And if I was your friend I'd gladly babysit. Have you really proactively asked everyone you can think of?

However, maybe this is exactly why your friends without kids decided not to have them.

I wasn't prepared to have your kind of life, so I chose not to have children.

I'm not saying this to attack you OP, but your child-free friends may have every understanding of what it's like, contrary to what you think. They have simply chosen another path for themselves

I was meaning having an alternate week "off"

I can empathize with your struggles as a parent raising young children without much support or resources, and it's understandable to feel isolated and frustrated when others around you seem to have it easier, but please remember that your hard work and dedication to your family is important and admirable.

I understand OP. I'm in the same boat. My mum is lovely and we see her regularly but I have 3 young DC and just don't feel fair asking for childcare especially as other relatives regularly do. We don't have any other relatives to ask.

We've managed to stay close as a couple dividing work but tbh it's the sex life and intimacy that struggles most. There's never time to get out mum and dad mode, and 80% of the time someone has come and kipped in with us so we're always surrounded by small children!

One of the ways we cope is making sure we give time for each other to do things. It's a little bit sad knowing that we can't do simple stuff like watch a movie in the cinema or go for dinner together without the kids, but going with friends instead (or tbh, these says, more likely alone for some simple peace and quiet) does help.

Lots of people understand what you’re going through op, as almost all of us have been there. I live alone with 3 children I’ve raised alone (we also have 3 large working breed dogs and many other pets), oh has always worked offshore and we see him two weekends a month. I have no family in this country, no childcare outside of wraparound when I’m in work, and I and work double shifts as a carer. We’ve had 2 nights out in 16 years, one when my mum flew in and looked after the kids, and one 2 weeks ago now my eldest had turned 15 and watched her younger siblings for a few hours. I’m not describing a ‘race to the bottom’ scenario like mn likes to fling at you when you think your situation is harder, my life is exhausting as fuck, but it’s one I chose and I wouldn’t have made any decision differently if I could go back in time. You’ve written your post like you’re a single parent with a terminally ill child, another with sen and a deadbeat dad. Not a normal couple with normal jobs, grandparents on hand to babysit, albeit when the kids are asleep, and you’re just going through young child tiredness 🤷🏼‍♀️

We were the same.
My MIL really not interested in our 3. They were a hindrance. They got in the way of her demands on us to do everything for her whilst, perfectly healthy she sat on a chair waiting for us to do her shopping, the gardening, the diy. She lived about an hour away. She didn’t even buy them a birthday card, we had to buy them wrap them ( no not even wrapping ) and leave them for her to pretend she’d bought them for us.

My parents lived about 4 hours away and would happily come and help but with both of them in their late 70s and my mum, the only driver, with cancer it wasn't feasible.

Like you everyone we knew seemed to have lots of support or the money to pay for it.
I suppose we just got used to what we had and made the best of it.

The boys all did clubs and my db and I just passed each other driving in and out taking them wherever they needed to be.

Id say you have another 10 or so years to go before it gets easier.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it does seem like a very long tunnel.

I'm not cocksure. I made my choice and now I'm living with it. It's not always easy. It's galling when people OP act like we all have this amazing, easy life full of lie-ins and holidays. It's a different life, that's all. Making new friends at 40 certainly isn't a piece of cake, especially without children. OP seems very jealous of the lie-ins and the brunches but she's not considering the flipside of it. The lack of built-in company, default people to do stuff with, finding meaningful pursuits now you don't have a defined path to follow.

I don't mind OP venting. I do mind her entitled attitude, the all-too-common and barely hidden feeling all childfree people get from parents, that they're somehow so much more put-upon and suffering so much more. We all have problems. As I said, a lot of childless people are childless for very sad reasons.

Is there really any need to expect people to understand what you're "going through" when you're literally just describing normal life? When I saw the title, I thought OP was going to be talking about cancer treatment or having a terminal diagnosis or having a child with a serious disability. She's literally just living the normal monotony that comes with having young kids.

I think some people have had such an easy, cushy life, that they just don't have any concept of what actual problems look like. And unfortunately, these types are the first lining up to have kids, because they assume that's going to be as easy and fun and problem-free as the rest of their lives have been.

OK, but you clearly aren’t THAT happy with your choices if you feel the need to spend your time writing four long paragraphs berating a parent on a parenting thread on a parenting website.

I find all this ‘you chose to have them’ stuff bizarre - some people must have the emotional depth of puddles. I have two children slightly younger than OP’s and am in a very similar logistical situation. Yes I chose to have them and I don’t regret it. We adore them and they bring us so much joy. BUT it is a slog and not enjoyable a lot of the time, and some days I’m surprised DH and I are still standing upright, let alone holding down paid employment and running a house. And it’s hard not to look over the road at the family who’ve got loving, available grandparents round three times a week and feel envious, and imagine how much easier life would be if you had that too. Yep, it’s actually possible for a human to feel two or three different emotions at the same time.