To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

We had little support too (it does get easier) I used to lie in on a sat, my husband on the sunday - while the other parent did breakfast etc. I had a good friend with 2 kids too, we used to babysit for each other every couple of months to give us some time off. We also went out separately the husband and I, with friends, for a walk, to go to a local
club/ exercise class (it doesn’t have to be expensive). Take GP’s up on the offer and go out at 830!

Also what can you leave round the house - sometimes reducing your own expectations can help. There is plenty of time to decorate (for example) when the kids are older.

I don't usually get involved in the 'my situation is harder than yours' conversation. Noone ever wins.
I posted today because I felt annoyed wondering what you want people to do to show you they get how hard it is for you. I found myself wondering whether, while you are standing there wishing someone would get it, whether you are thinking about the single parents, the widowed ones, the ones if kids with SEN. There are many of us with no dad in our childs life and no grandparents left sadly. Do you ever spend time thinking about how hard it is for others or are you busy thinking about your own struggles? I am sure I am guilty of this myself at times too. We all have blind spots.

I hear you - it was the same for us and we were stupid enough to have 3 children!!!! (no regrets at all on that score though, hasten to add).

Parents/PILs were too far away to be any support - not the the ILs ever would have been. None of our kids ever had a single sleepover with granny and grandad. My parents died when our eldest was 9. Siblings had their own kids. Paid through the nose for 18 years of childcare - by which time we were launched straight into uni!!

Trying not to do stuff like get our house in order before we retire - and all friggin' three kids are back home again!!!

What's that saying - life's a bitch and then you die...

Why would the OP think about how hard others might have it? She's busy dealing with her own situation!! Like all of us!! FFS. Is no-one allowed to ever let off steam???

but the OPs aibu is 'am i being unreasonable to be upset that people dont understand what I am going through'

If shes not thinking about how hard others have it why should others understand how hard she has it?

I'm sorry. It does sound tough. It gets easier though. We had twins. No family nearby. The teens next door used to pop in sometimes so I could take the dog out. We had a date night once a week where we dressed up and cooked something nice and listened to music. Gave up with the reciprocal babysitting with friends as I hated babysitting their dch. So yeah, it's not easy. But it does get better xx

Right. So what you are essentially saying is that the OP shouldn't have any feelings of her own about her condition in life and should always think of others?

ffs!!

Aren't you thinking of the OP now for instance???

Do you know how hard it is being in an abusive marriage - how good it would be to be a single parent making your own decisions not told what to do and belittled by your other half or inlaws?

this is not me by the way but just saying in some situations being a single parent is a blessing.

we all have hard times you can give a sympathetic ear without saying how other people have it harder ya know

Thank you and having struggles of my own doesn’t mean I don’t think of others and willing to give them a sympathetic ear if needed

I think many parent’s experience the same. My DC’s are now 19 and 17, my 17 year old has severe autism and I have been a lone parent since she was 10. I haven’t had a night away from DC2 since she was born other than a night I spent watching my grandad die and when my appendix almost burst. My family and DC’s father will only help if it a complete emergency. In just over a weeks time dc2 is taking part in ten tors and will be away for one night, I can’t wait 🤣.

I know sometimes it feels like every one else gets support. I know so many people who’s parents help out all the time, I know someone who goes and stays in a hotel once a month alone for a break, but there are many of us who don’t ever get a break 😞.

We're just behind you op. Ds almost 4, dd just 5. Ds has moderate sen which is just unfair and so hard. We've not had a single night off in 5 years. I just exist.

To make it worse mil had a stroke last year so now we help there too.

I didn’t say I never thought of others though did I? Most of the time I think of everyone but me but surely everyone is allowed to have a pity party once in a while if for nothing else that afterwards can buck up and carry on again. I didn’t want anything from you as such just wanted to hear from others in the same boat. I know there are other boats and other struggles but at this particular time I wanted to hear from people in the SAME boat as me

Yeah it’s tough - but I keep thinking that when the chaos ends when the kids are older - well the magic does too

we have quite limited support too and I can empathise with everything you are saying

Maybe you could:

• have one night out - just pay for a babysitter for a few hours. It’s a one off but hopefully you can save for it
• or take a holiday whilst the kids are in school and go for lunch with your husband. Even just having a day to yourselves will make you relax a bit
• take it in turns to have lie-ins at the weekend
• just think that it’s easier now than when they were newborns who never sleepers or toddlers who needed to be watched every single second. Your kids are growing and change every single day - and soon your 4 year old will be 5 and then 6. And on and

yes my parents will babysit occasionally once kids in bed but it does make me sad they don’t want to come earlier and spend time with them, read them a story etc. It kinda takes away the pleasure and so in a way yes we prefer not to go out at all.

This just sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. How does it ‘take away the pleasure?’ They’re still offering free childcare. Maybe it’s too much for them to do bath and bed for two young kids. Presumably they did bath and bed already for their own kids!

OP I genuinley don't understand why some grandparents don't want to support their child. I'm in a position of having a supportive family and will do the same for my son and his partner when he is old enough.
My friend doesn't have any family support and has a seven and 3 year old, they have had no night out since before their son was born which is just shit. Everyone deserves a break. I babysit for my friend now and genuinely don't mind. Could you ask a friend or do a reciprocal sleep over?

I know how you feel. I have two kids similar age as yours. Everyday is the same starting from 7:30am to 7:30pm. We have no family support at all as both of our parents are living abroad. We haven’t gone for a couple night out for 4 years+ now.

Even when I gave birth 2 years ago during the pandemic, I walked into the hospital by myself and being in the theatre all on my own as my DH needed to take care of our elder one at home.

DH and me are always sleep deprived but we do believe things will get better (especially when the youngest starts the nursery). We now take turn to sleep and have me-time separately. I also try to get some fresh air whenever I could (that’s very useful to me) and get a pack of chocolate when I’m so depressed. That’s all I could do and it still works for me.

Nope literally not what I am saying at all

Listen don't mind the nay-sayers - you will always get a shitload of them on this site!

Whatever it is you think you are saying you aren't exactly helping here, are you...!

Actually I offered the OP useful advice up thread. And then when you questioned another poster I helped explain their point. You can keep having a go at me as much as you like but that wont help the OP either.

Remember that the pictures of families and couples having date nights etc are just the moments in time. What you don’t see on social media is the drama it took to get kids into bed and the sick in the hair that’s up in a messy bun.

I used to and still do feel envy of families on holidays together. Unplugging my husband from the computer would just cause me more stress. He’s not someone that can sit on a beach and read a book and relax. Going away for more than 3 days ends in a row. He’s not sociable at all and prefers to stay at home. I think he’s depressed and anxious but he won’t have it. So I go on holiday with a friend or my sister as our dad lives in Asia. My dad does pay for our flights though. He was an absent parent that paid zero child maintenance growing up as he was a self employed contractor so could claim he earned £0 so I don’t feel bad about him paying!!

your kids can now start to entertain themselves and learn to settle themselves better now they are older. So pop them in their rooms and say they can read a book quietly or even watch a movie on a tablet. Then have date night downstairs. You can still dress up and make a nice meal together with a candle etc. any messing about from kids and it’s lights off.

I was understanding of your feelings & situation, despite believing you were broadly being unreasonable, until I read this.

It's so disparaging. You do not have a 'struggle'. You are married with support from GPs, and based on your posts, no particular challenges to overcome.

It's insulting to say 'yes single patents have their struggles but so do I'. You don't.

Are you really saying that only single parents have struggles in life??? Not up to you to make this judgement call...!

This site is batshit crazy sometimes.

Do you know how hard it is being in an abusive marriage - how good it would be to be a single parent making your own decisions not told what to do and belittled by your other half or inlaws?

this is not me by the way but just saying in some situations being a single parent is a blessing.

It's ironic. You complain about others lacking empathy - then you write this 🙄

I was in an abusive marriage. I'm not now. It doesn't make my life as a single mother in any way a 'blessing'. My ex makes our lives very difficult. I'm constantly addressing financial & legal challenges. Yea I'm glad to be out of the abusive marriage but there's no 'how good' or 'blessing' about it.

Honestly, cop on.

I recently read that when a friend wants to talk about something, it’s good to ask if they just want to vent/be heard, or if they want constructive advice. It was pretty clear to me that you just wanted to vent, which is totally understandable. It’s really hard. I can’t say anything beyond how I hear you, keep going, there will be lighter days ahead.