To be upset that people don’t understand what I’m going through.

[Keepingheadabovewaterjust]

I’m exhausted, drained and beat. I know most of us as parents are and I also know grass isn’t always greener on the other side but to me it seems it is. I don’t regret having my children, I’ve longed for them for years but boy is it hard.

my daughter is 5 1/2 and my son almost 4 years. In all this time we have had no nights away, we’ve not even had an evening out unless we have put the kids to bed first. Both my husband and I work but there is no money left for nice holidays or treats or childcare. Because of lack of money we have to do everything at home ourselves from DIY to house cleaning, dog walking etc etc. most nights it’s 9pm before we can sit down and the day starts again at 6.30 all day every day.

after nearly 6 years of every day being a slog we are totally worn down.

I can cope with this, it is what it is… however where I struggle is the lack of understanding and empathy from others. I literally don’t know anyone else in the same boat as me that I can vent to who truly understands. I have zero family support, my husbands family are overseas and my family are disinterested and my parents crap and will only babysit if kids in bed asleep first… I’m too tired to get them to bed wait till they are asleep and then get ready and go out circa 8.30 pm. I’m surrounded by friends whose families are brilliant. Their kids are often with grandparents with school pick ups day trips, overnights etc.

I have friends who have the money to get cleaners, babysitters etc

and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.

I guess I’m just looking for understanding from people who also are in the same situation as me and truly understand the battle of going it alone!

I'm not berating her for the feelings. I don't know how many times I can say the same thing. I'm taking exception to the "nobody understands how hard I have it" attitude, and I'm far from the only one.

It's baffling to me how in this day and age anyone could possibly not understand what raising children entails. This site is full of threads from women whingeing about how hard their lives are. Do people just not research? Do they think it will be different for them or something? I can't wrap my head around it at all. I read a thread like this, and I just think, yep...this is exactly what I'd have thought having young kids would be like.

I think another poster is right. OP's childless friends do understand what she's going through. They don't understand why she expected anything different.

It's also full of women whinging about not being able to have children. It's a site for whinging, essentially.😀Saying all the things we cannot say in real life.

I think OP has been quite gracious in her second post, actually.

She expects other people to understand her life, but she also thinks it's acceptable to think things like this:

[quote]and then I have friends who are childless, they sleep in every weekend, lunches out, holidays, evenings out etc basically my life before children.. they have no idea why my life is so hard.[/quote]

Well, maybe those particular people, her friends, do live like this and she knows it because that’s what they tell her?
She wasn’t talking about you or all the childless people in the world.
How is it not acceptable for her to describe what she sees? She might be wrong, she might be right, we don’t know it. There’s nothing outrageous about saying “my childless friends can have lie-ins and I can’t” though.

It’s not the OP’s fault that your colleagues are inconsiderate towards you.

I think my confusion derived from the title. Loads of people know what you're going through. Doesn't make it less hard in the moment but there's so much joy too, I think.

I've got a rare very serious illness that impacts me daily. I would love but can't have children.
I believe that nobody - or very few - people know what I'm going through.

She doesn't really know what they're dealing with privately though, does she? Most people put their best food forward and just try to be positive and good company.

OP's main issues seem to be:

• other people have grandparents around to help - she surely knew her parents weren't that interested and her in-laws were abroad.
• other people have money to hire help - again, so what? They earned it, OP didn't.
• other people have no kids and can sleep in and go on holiday - yes, just like OP could, if she hadn't chosen to have kids.

"Don't compare your reality to other people's Instagram feed" very much applies here. It doesn't seem like an objectively bad situation, it seems like OP is riled that other people seem to have it better or easier.

This. Its not a race to the bottom but there are many people who also don't have a DP to share the parenting with, others have kids with additional needs who need constantly watched. However, most people I know clean, walk their dogs etc. So you're hardly hard done by in that respect

No, but there's a very widespread attitude that childless people have it easy, and OP is perpetuating it here. It's hilarious to me that someone who basically has the most basic, common type of lifestyle there is is complaining that "nobody understands" - what!!! They're literally a heterosexual family with two children living a completely typical life in the UK, with all the social status that comes with being the "norm" and doing what's expected of you.

Where's the unique hardship in this situation? It's not that nobody understands. They understand perfectly. They're just not feeding the martyr complex. Women feeling let down by this "dream life" they thought they were going to have by getting married and having kids is far from uncommon, and those of us who didn't drink the Kool Aid are unfortunately often the target of their resentment.

OP's childless friends do understand what she's going through. They don't understand why she expected anything different.

Yeah, I think this sums it up, to be honest. I do understand how difficult parenting can be - which is why I have absolutely zero desire to ever be a parent.

What I have learnt over the years is that nobody understands what anyone else is going through.

Exactly. And people cope and react in different ways. So we can all be kind. There are some nasty comments on here.

OP, was your life very straightforward and in the grand scheme of things, easy, before having your children?

Is this the time you feel you have faced a difficult and challenging period? So maybe it's genuinely shocking to you to discover life isn't always basically content and not everything is fair?

Or - is it the opposite, have you always had a very difficult time with things like a challenging childhood, poor health, poverty, infertility, etc etc? In that case, I can understand it would feel like just more shit heaped on top and the unfairness of never catching a break.

Basically life just isn't fair and sometimes it is brutal how that smacks you in the face, I think.

I really feel for you OP. Mine are 7 & 3 and no nights out or away here either. I am massively lucky to have my mum to help but I have to deploy her for midweek cover so I can work, only one day a week but it’s a lot and although she would if I asked, a night out would feel like a piss take. Also - after a long time of being very broke, I’ve had a lucky break at work and can afford a couple of hours cleaning a fortnight, and a tenner a fortnight on ironing. I appreciate these things SO much having been where you are.

YANBU to feel exhausted and drained, it doesn’t mean you don’t love and want your kids. I would say that for me, age 7 has felt like a bit of a breakthrough in terms of the demands - just that little bit more independent and reasonable…so you may be over the hump. Hang in there and fuck anyone who judges you!! x

Same. We have zero help. Both my parents are dead, my mother in law and my sister in law too, my father in law is no real help, pretty selfish tbh. Literally hate school pick ups seeing grandparents picking up or taking them out for treats etc. we do have a babysitter who is literally over the road so that helps but apart from that zilch!

Well I’m here 👋 I’m certainly not in the UK and where I live it was not a choice for women here until 3 years ago (it’s very close to the UK see if you can guess where)

Also being the UK doesn’t negate my point on culture and religion.

We are in the same boat. Totally exhausted. I survive on 5 hours sleep a night. I barely recognise myself in the mirror. I completely get it. You aren’t alone.
I tell myself it won’t be like this forever.

Isn't this called life with little kids OP? And you are not alone - there are two of you!

It's very hard and I understand where you are coming from, but it does get better. I say that as someone who was a single parent for a number of years and boy it was really hard for a while.

Try not to look at all those people who have lots of help etc as that will only make you feel worse. Instead - and I am not saying you should be grateful for what you do have because that is not what I mean - try to think that there are others who are finding it even more difficult than you both are as that will also help your mind set? Compromise too - take it in turns to have time to yourselves, go out separately if you have to, and remind yourself that in another 3 or 4 years things will be much better

Hope that helps

This ‘but you chose to have them’ is so cruel and unhelpful. She didn’t say she regrets having them or that she doesn’t love them. She just said she’s finding life tough and would like a bit of sympathy. If you can’t offer any take your mean comment elsewhere. Leave the world better than you find it. 👍🏻

I understand this. Although we don’t have any help. No family babysitting, neither when they’re asleep or awake. We are fortunate that we could pay for a babysitter, but an extra £60-75 on food or cinema makes it very expensive to go out together, so it’s a rarity and as you say, it’s not actually fun rushing out the door with a quick hairbrush constituting “getting ready”.

On the plus side, I console myself that I’m doing precisely zero elder care in future 😂 When the grandparents are old and decrepit, I’ll be enjoying my retirement just like they are doing now!! For me, it will hopefully be helping lots with my future grandchildren 😊

Yes, I’m envious of my friends with lovely helpful parents.

I think you are being unreasonable, it is very self pitying why is ny life so hard? It's just normal, are you spoilt thinking you are hard done by because you don't have a cleaner. Your kids sleep from 9pm, they are not up all night, most peoples days start at 6:30am, you have no disabled children and you also have a husband there to help what about single mums with your 'life' who do all this alone. Ffs

Try all that but being a single parent. Do you know how hard it is for a lot of single parents? Honestly a situation with two kids, two incomes and a partner, even if finances are tight and you are time poor, sounds pretty good from where I am standing.

Just to make it perfectly clear I do not regret having my children! I knew it would be hard but actually I didn’t realise how hard - I don’t think anyone does or reality is there would be a lot less children in the world if people were a bit less naive. I know I am not the only one finding it hard and I know I could have it harder. I also know that childless people have their own struggles regardless of wether they chose to have children and couldn’t or chose not to. My post would maybe have been better saying no-one in my circle of friends or parents at the schools seem to know what I am going through and I was hoping to hear that actually I’m not the only one and how those similar deal with it.

I would never put someone down for feeling low and crappy about anything even if I felt they didn’t have it that bad. And choosing to have children doesn’t mean you deserve to not complain. Same as someone struggling because they can’t have children doesn’t lesser your personal struggle because you did! Life is hard full stop and yes it could be easier and it certainly could be harder.

my post wasn’t to generate sympathy although that is a balm when feeling low I guess it was just a way of looking for company in my feelings struggling as people I’m around don’t struggle in these particular areas that’s all. Despite some of the not so kind comments I do feel more positive tonight and I love the comments about being busy enjoying retirement when my family need me 😈

yes my parents will babysit occasionally once kids in bed but it does make me sad they don’t want to come earlier and spend time with them, read them a story etc. It kinda takes away the pleasure and so in a way yes we prefer not to go out at all. But I know things will get easier and will try and make the most of what we can do and maybe if people are not coming over I can say fuck the housework I’m having a long bath!

Nope I have no idea what it is like being a single parent. I can imagine it’s tough. But that’s not my situation or struggle that is yours and because you are having it tough doesn’t mean I am not as well. We all have diff problems!