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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
Testina · 19/04/2023 07:49

“I know under a year May be a little alarming but we both know we are each others person for life. “

That makes you sound about 13.

The re-homing situation is simple. You have - you say - genuine proof of allergy both from a test and actual symptoms. I’m a bit 🤨 that a grown woman didn’t know she was allergic to dogs but OK 🤷🏻‍♀️ You also have dog loving family you are sure will take the dog.

So… that tells me that there is a reason you’re procrastinating - and I don’t think it is a fear of being judged. It’s an allergy and this is your own family. I think deep inside there’s a sensible voice with doubts about the relationship.

People who have about “person for life” sound over invested in the idea of a relationship to the detriment of sensible decision making.

You say it’s only this… yet in just one post I felt 🤨 about her telling you that your housework needed to change.

Beautiful3 · 19/04/2023 07:50

Think I'd ask her to take antihistamines and I'd deep clean the house. See if that improves her allergy. I couldn't give my dog away.

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:50

CurlewKate · 19/04/2023 07:47

Has she actually been to the doctor about this? Because if she hasn't-she's not being proactive either, is she?

Going to the dr about these kinds of pet allergies is pretty pointless to be honest. I have done it myself as I have allergies but a few years ago was desperate to have a pet. I've now accepted that it just can't happen.

The GP will most likely just tell her stop exposing herself to the dog, which she already knows. I wasn't offered any treatment for pet allergies, I was just told to try over the counter antihistamines and if that didn't work (which it didn't), the solution is to not have pets.

Testina · 19/04/2023 07:51

“my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)”

This bit.

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:52

Testina · 19/04/2023 07:51

“my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)”

This bit.

If she has dust allergies then it does need to change if she's going to to round.

It's not like just telling someone their house is messy and it needs to be cleaner (which would be controlling).

A dust allergy is a medical condition.

nonevernotever · 19/04/2023 07:52

Leave the allergies aside for a minute. There seems very little of compromise from your girlfriend here. It's do it my way or else. So often living together is seen not just as the next step in a relationship but also by one party as proof of attachment (if you loved me you would...). That's fine if the consequences of moving in together are easy to undo. Where the consequences are rather more permanent as they are here, I would strongly recommend caution, taking time and working together to develop how you will solve problems together/compromise in matters of daily life. I would never recommend moving in with anyone quickly (and seeing each other less than a year is quickly) if you can't discuss issues fairly and reach an agreed position. If nothing else, you have to be certain she loves you for you as you are and not as a project person that she thinks she can mould to her satisfaction.

whyhere · 19/04/2023 07:52

Another thought: I used to be profoundly allergic to cats, but then moved in with someone who had a siamese (and oriental fur is the worst!). As the cat was there before me (and it helps that I love all animals) I started taking a daily antihistamine, using anti-dander wipes on the cat, and gradually increased my contact with her.

Within months I was no longer allergic to cats, and that's still the case, many years later (I now have a cat myself).

NumericalBlock · 19/04/2023 07:55

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:44

Well if you read the posts, she was having the reaction but they were hoping that it might just be dust, so got an allergy test to check if the dog was definitely causing a problem.

She knew she had allergies, she just didn't know if it was the dog or the dust, or both.

Show quote history

I did read the posts, and I'm still sceptical. There's no comments about her trying to manage this allergy, or seeking medical help for it. When I started having reactions to cats I took antihistamines, spoke to a pharmacist and then spoke to a doctor to discuss it. I wouldn't be doing nothing whilst getting alarming symptoms.

Also, I suspect this test was one of those order off the Internet ones, many of which are as useful as a chocolate teapot. And I'm a bit cynical due to the "bit ocd" comment and wondering how much of this is controlling behaviour as opposed to actual medical issues.

Dollmeup · 19/04/2023 07:57

I love cats and grew up in a home where we always had them. I always imagined I would have my own when I got my own house.

However my partner is allergic to them. Not anaphylactic but enough to make him miserable when he's been in a house with them. He has to take antihistamines to visit my parents.

It wouldn't be fair to make him live like that on a daily basis. At the end of the day if you really think this relationship is your future you need to make a choice to re-home.

What would you miss more if you didn't have it any more? Your partner probably won't wait forever so you will have to make a choice. If you think you would miss the dog more than her then it's best to call it a day now before anyone gets hurt.

WilsonMilson · 19/04/2023 07:58

I’m sorry but you really need to man up here and say how awful this is for you. If you can’t talk openly with your girlfriend then this has no future anyway.

If she has no consideration for how you feel about your dog, then she’s a pretty selfish cow and hasn’t made any steps, as far as I can tell, to even take an antihistimine and see how she goes.

Lots of allergic people manage with pets. A hepa air purifier is another way, and obviously cleaning your house, hoovering daily and keeping on top of it.

It seems that she has demanded you take the most extreme measure here which is completely unfair. Your dog was there long before she was.

Honestly, it sounds like she hates the dog and she’s using an apparently allergy to guilt
you into rehoming. I suggest she should be looking at rehoming options for herself as I wouldn’t be giving up your dog.

Testina · 19/04/2023 07:58

@AlexisR it’s more the phrasing of it - “she’s told me it needs to change”? WTF?

Also, dust is not created in the same way abandoned mugs. I think it’s fair to say - I need you to be less messy because I have to more frequently clean surfaces of dust. But the dust clearance itself is the girlfriend’s responsibility.

I know I’m reading a lot into a short phrase, but the way people talk is meaningful. OP sounds like a child who’s been giving a telling off.

I’m actually understanding of rehoming - it’s actually other parts that make me a bit 🤨 about this set up.

NumericalBlock · 19/04/2023 07:59

Testina · 19/04/2023 07:49

“I know under a year May be a little alarming but we both know we are each others person for life. “

That makes you sound about 13.

The re-homing situation is simple. You have - you say - genuine proof of allergy both from a test and actual symptoms. I’m a bit 🤨 that a grown woman didn’t know she was allergic to dogs but OK 🤷🏻‍♀️ You also have dog loving family you are sure will take the dog.

So… that tells me that there is a reason you’re procrastinating - and I don’t think it is a fear of being judged. It’s an allergy and this is your own family. I think deep inside there’s a sensible voice with doubts about the relationship.

People who have about “person for life” sound over invested in the idea of a relationship to the detriment of sensible decision making.

You say it’s only this… yet in just one post I felt 🤨 about her telling you that your housework needed to change.

To be fair, allergies can come on as you get older. Assuming this is all legit and there were no other red flags, I'd be more inclined to believe this bit. My cat allergy came on in my late twenties, I had no issues before that but now I can't touch them without the itching starting.

Isthisreasonable · 19/04/2023 07:59

Your gf seems like very hard work with no empathy for you. Are you really her person for life or an escape route from living with a family member? Why does she want to move into your home rather than starting afresh in a new dog free place? Is it really a partnership or is she expecting to be treated like a princess while you run around making everything perfect?

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:59

NumericalBlock · 19/04/2023 07:55

I did read the posts, and I'm still sceptical. There's no comments about her trying to manage this allergy, or seeking medical help for it. When I started having reactions to cats I took antihistamines, spoke to a pharmacist and then spoke to a doctor to discuss it. I wouldn't be doing nothing whilst getting alarming symptoms.

Also, I suspect this test was one of those order off the Internet ones, many of which are as useful as a chocolate teapot. And I'm a bit cynical due to the "bit ocd" comment and wondering how much of this is controlling behaviour as opposed to actual medical issues.

Show quote history

@NumericalBlock Well OP said "her allergies are quite bad", that she has "itchy skin/rash, watery eyes, sneezing and an itchy throat" and she "doesn’t want to live with a dog as she struggles to breathe".

I think it's pretty clear that she is suffering from an allergy. Not sure why you are so sceptical.

I have allergies and I know that it would not be manageable by taking an antihistamine or gradual exposure to a pet. These things only work for very mild allergies and certainly not if there are breathing issues.

TheWestIsTheBest · 19/04/2023 07:59

I adopted my cat from a lady that had become incredibly allergic to it. She tried absolutely everything to overcome it, including a fairly expensive monthly anti-allergy injection. Nothing worked, and it broke her heart to have to re-home her cat. So anti-histamines etc aren't a cure all.

TedMullins · 19/04/2023 08:00

Dump the girlfriend. She sounds incredibly pushy and demanding over the dog - the fact you’ve even agreed to rehome him is huge and she doesn’t seem to be remotely grateful or understanding of the emotions involved. I can’t believe you even agreed to it tbh, the dog came first! I’d be telling her to stick with her original plan of buying a place and continuing to live separately. If you’re so sure you want to be together forever (and her attitude over the dog somehow hasn’t put you off) then what’s the rush to move in?

Fernanfrank · 19/04/2023 08:00

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 05:14

I love my dog dearly but it is in no way comparable to a child. And he would never end up in a shelter as my family wouldn’t let that happen. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I love my partner and want this to work

Actually you know what. Please re home your dog!! It deserves someone who will give it the love and attention it needs, not someone who thinks it's disposable just because they've got a new shag piece soul mate.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 19/04/2023 08:01

Toocooltoboogie · 19/04/2023 04:24

Lovelybluesky has a good point. I know someone allergic to cats that took anti histamines which enabled her to live with her partners cat. Over time she didn't need to take them any longer and now has a dog aswell with no problems. Worth a try surely so maybe a chat with a GP is a good idea?

This is me. Was horribly allergic to cats. Have 2 cats now, no antihistamines required anymore.

I wouldn’t give my cats up for someone I’ve been with for less than a year. You don’t really know them that well and still have your love blinkers on

BreviloquentBastard · 19/04/2023 08:01

If you rehome that dog and move her in she's going to become a massive control freak. I give it 6 months before you want to re-home her too. She's already making you get rid of your dog and change how you clean your house and she's not even living there yet.

You've been together less than a year, you don't even know eachother yet. Dispense with the nonsense "she's my person for life", press pause, and have a good hard think about the realities of living with someone. I don't think this hesitance is actually about the dog.

Eastcoaster · 19/04/2023 08:03

Please don’t rush into a decision on rehoming your dog. You’re hesitating because it doesn’t feel right to do it.

Have an honest conversation with your gf and tell her if you need more time. She might be upset but if she is the right person for you she will be wait a little longer. Just under a year is still early days in a relationship.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 19/04/2023 08:04

It could be the dust making it a lot worse though, you should be dealing with that before anything else.

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 19/04/2023 08:04

The dog will stand by you through everything. The P has been with you for less than a year. I couldn’t re-home my dog.

if it came to it and you want to go ahead, you could get a non-shedding dog like a greyhound or whippet. Xx

Dozycuntlaters · 19/04/2023 08:05

I'm sorry but I'm not buying the whole allergy thing at all. If she's allergic to the point she had trouble breathing why wasn't that apparent when you first started dating her. She must have known she was allergic to dogs so why even go on one date with a dog owner? It makes absolutely no sense at all.

You've had your dog four years and you are prepared to rehome him for someone you've known a year. That's honestly awful. My dog is almost three, and anyone who expected me to get rid of her for them, they would be the one out the door, not the dog. You referred to him as an 'irritant' wtf!! You're living in cloud cuckooo land if you think someone in your family will take the dog. If they wanted a dog they would get one themselves. Dogs are a bit commitment, well for most people anyway, and I guarantee you, your dog will be around a lot longer than your gf.

She's making demands on you, big demands on you, a year in. And you're letting her. She's testing you, testing what you will put up with from her and this is just the beginning,

You need to have a good look at your relationship. Can you make this sacrifice for her? Should you make this sacrifice for her? Personally I would let her go and find someone more suitable.

Your poor dog!

Starlin · 19/04/2023 08:05

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:50

Going to the dr about these kinds of pet allergies is pretty pointless to be honest. I have done it myself as I have allergies but a few years ago was desperate to have a pet. I've now accepted that it just can't happen.

The GP will most likely just tell her stop exposing herself to the dog, which she already knows. I wasn't offered any treatment for pet allergies, I was just told to try over the counter antihistamines and if that didn't work (which it didn't), the solution is to not have pets.

Show quote history

They do offer desensitisation treatment BUT it's expensive and they don't offer it very easily. There's a lot of hoops to jump through and it's not instant. It takes about 6-12 months

NotAnotherPylon · 19/04/2023 08:06

daisymoonlight · 19/04/2023 07:49

Yeah, mildly OCD is not really accurate. OCD is a life disrupting condition, its not just "I like things tidy". It annoys me when people saying "I'm a bit OCD" because true OCD is horrific and prevents people from living their lives.

Couldn't agree more. I had OCD very severely as a teenager and it ran my life, with little input or choice from me. There was my OCD. And there was me. I now have a child with OCD and his life is utterly miserable. All of our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. 'Mildly OCD' as a description drives me to despair. The person either doesn't have OCD at all (just prefers things clean/neat/orderly) or they are fighting a HUGE daily battle within, in order to present as normal a version of themselves as possible. They will invariably lose that battle.