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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:

Starlin · 19/04/2023 08:07

@CanineConundrum what breed is your dog? As there are hypoallergenic breeds which give less of a reaction? Also, if you consider rehoming, consider a breed specific rescue so they can find someone who understands what the dog needs

Topee · 19/04/2023 08:09

You sound woefully naive.

You haven’t even been together a year. You do realise that most relationships of such a short duration elicit the same giddy ‘2we know it’s for life declarations’. Doesn’t make it fact.

My brother turned out to be allergic to our first family dog. I told my Mum it would be my (6 year old younger brother) and not the dog that would have to be revoked! Trip to the GP and it was all sorted, they both got to stay.

caramac04 · 19/04/2023 08:10

I would not rehome my dog. Simple as that. You keep a dog for life.

Srin · 19/04/2023 08:11

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:38

This is rubbish. You can have mild, irritating allergies. I have hay fever which anti histamines control but its still annoying and unpleasant occasionally. My friend is blind sided by hay fever absolutely zonked, so it totally depends.

Show quote history

That would count as an allergy so mild that you wouldn’t expect to rehome a pet (as I said in my comment). Although living with a pet would be equivalent to having that pollen swirling around your house day and night, all year round so may be rather less mild over time.

Thelittlekingdom · 19/04/2023 08:11

The things that stick out for me are your Gf’s lack of empathy and pushing you about moving in in June especially as they’re not tied to a rental property and have no urgent need to move.

The second was that you say your GF doesn’t think you’re clean enough. I wonder if this is tied in with the dog and she’s just not very keen on the dog.

Where is your gf in this with trying an antihistamine? You’ve been together a year and it all sounds very rushed the moving in. I’d proceed with caution.

mrsfennel · 19/04/2023 08:11

Has she actually been allergic around a dog? The odd sniff or sneeze is not enough to re home your dog in my opinion.
In fact I just would not re home my dog at all and any partner that put pressure on me like your gf is doing is not nice in my opinion.
Is your dog straight forward and easy to re home? Is he going to end up being passed around and end up in a rescue centre totally confused and stressed out waiting for you to return?

Maybe she is allergic to dust? Can you see your home really clean and dog has a groomers appointment weekly?

Can you imagine sitting at home happily with your gf whilst your dog is somewhere you dont know what is happening with him?

I know I could not do this.

Cappucinoextrachocolate · 19/04/2023 08:12

I feel for you OP. My son's test came up positive for dogs, yet he's always been fine with our DDog. He also has several food allergies and hay fever, so I do understand the dilemma you're in. For DS it's the amount of allergens, not our particular DDog. It's not your girlfriend's fault she has an allergy, but I would suggest deep cleaning the house first, dusting, airing, etc. If your girlfriend is going to live with you and she has a dust allergy, then you would need to do this anyway. Allergy UK has some good advice for dealing with dust allergy. You have to clean/brush the dog often, ideally a quick brush everyday outside if possible before allowing the dog in. Be mindful that if she has a dust allergy you have to change your cleaning routine entirely. Also, animal dander can linger for months even if you rehome your dog, so it might not be a good indication of how she reacts as June is just around the corner.
I really hope you can make it work, I can't imagine having to re-home my dog as he really is part of our family now and we love him so much. This is a bit rambling but just to say there are so many things triggering her allergy which you can control, and better to try them first before rushing to rehome and then realise she is still allergic. Good luck!

Inuno · 19/04/2023 08:12

Shit or get off the pot !

3luckystars · 19/04/2023 08:13

I think, for me, it’s the fact that she wants you to get rid of your dog that would make me have serious concerns about her personality.

This could just the start of things to come.

Dont rehome your dog and don’t move in with this woman now, I know you really want to but if she really loved you, she would not be putting this pressure on you.

it seems like she is holding all the cards and knows it. Step back.

greenacrylicpaint · 19/04/2023 08:13

As there are hypoallergenic breeds which give less of a reaction?

there is no such thing as a hypoallergenic breed. it's not only the fur that people are allergic to, but also the dander and saliva - which all dogs have.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/04/2023 08:15

You say you’re sure you’re each other’s person for life while in the next post stating you know you might not go the distance!? Wtf?

if it was me, my dog would be going nowhere, I love him so much it would take something very serious for me to do that, let alone someone I’ve known under a year. They’re not toys you can just get rid of when it’s convenient, you’re that dog’s life. I feel so bad for the dog in this!

Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 08:15

@Peapodburgundybouquet you can develop an allergy at any time. Serious ones too. They can also get worse with repeated exposure.

Some of these responses, honestly. She’s making it up. She’s controlling. How didn’t she know? It can’t be that bad.

It’s no wonder you get kids dying on aeroplanes with this sort of attitude to allergies.

Lordofmyflies · 19/04/2023 08:18

I wouldn't be rehoming my dog for someone I've been dating for less than a year. I don't like the way she seems to be pushing for a regime when she hasn't offered to help with physically or financially with a deep clean or allergy testing. Has she offered to try a course of anti-histamines? Have you considered changing soft furnishings or to hard flooring? Keeping the dog from going upstairs?
There doesn't seem much compromise.

greenacrylicpaint · 19/04/2023 08:18

tbh I think those who defend the op sound absolutely bonkers. the 'fur baby' brigade out in force.
READ the OP. it's a dirty bugger twiddling thumbs instead of taking steps to deep clean their home to see if that's a way to reduce the allergens enough to allow a trial run of living together.

Thighlengthboots · 19/04/2023 08:19

This woman is going to be a nightmare to live with and it has nothing to do with her allergies. She's telling you all about how you have to change, how you have to get rid of the dog, how you have to do xyz etc. I dont notice any compromises whatsoever on her part (eg. dust bothers me but I'll do the cleaning to my own standard so dont worry") etc Its all about her and her tears and how you must change.

If this was a man saying this to a woman everyone would be saying he was controlling. Take it from me who has experience of this- your life will be turned upside down whilst she gets everything she wants. Living with someone really shows you who they are and I think you are in for a massive shock.

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 08:19

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:23

I’m not sure if she’d be happy/willing to wait another 6 months after we agreed June. She’s already frustrated by the lack of progress. Her allergies are quite bad so managing the symptoms isn’t a possibility as I think the irritant would need to be completely removed unfortunately. She works from home so being around the dog constantly is a lot to ask when it causes an allergic reaction

Surely if your her person for life she’s be willing to wait a bit longer, wouldn’t put this pressure on you and would understand where you’re coming from?

If she loves you as much as she says she does then she would be very understanding about how you feel and to be honest, she doesn’t sound it. I’d be really wary of this. Someone pushing you to get rid of your dog is a red flag.

You say she has allergies but she also has an issue with dog hair. She’s pushing you to get rid of the dog. This is something that would ring alarm bells for me personally.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/04/2023 08:20

My advice (having read the first 100 posts) is let her buy her own place (even if she does eventually move in with you, she has an asset and she could either decide to sell it on or rent it).
Take things slowly.
Fix your home. Get rid of the carpets and give the place a thorough clean. Bring in a company to do that if you need to. Again, take your time.
If she really is your person, she will see progress. She will understand. If she doesn't, unfortunately she really wasn't going to be your person and it's better that you find out sooner rather than later.

You can also get hypoallergenic dogs. I believe the Obama family when they were in the White House had a couple of them. They don't shed and are the perfect pet for a family with allergies.

Thighlengthboots · 19/04/2023 08:22

surely if your her person for life she’s be willing to wait a bit longer, wouldn’t put this pressure on you and would understand where you’re coming from?

This too. You're my "person for life" but I wont wait an extra month. Right.

Nowvoyager99 · 19/04/2023 08:22

No fucking way would I be getting rid of my dog in this situation.

Why can’t you carry on seeing her, and she can take anti histamines to manage exposure when she’s at yours? Why does she have to move in and push your dog out?

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 08:24

Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 08:15

@Peapodburgundybouquet you can develop an allergy at any time. Serious ones too. They can also get worse with repeated exposure.

Some of these responses, honestly. She’s making it up. She’s controlling. How didn’t she know? It can’t be that bad.

It’s no wonder you get kids dying on aeroplanes with this sort of attitude to allergies.

It’s not this for me, I believe she has allergies, it’s just the way she is going about it (according to the OP) that makes me have cause for concern. The fact she won’t wait, it has to be June. The fact that the OP says they want to be together for life but that if the OP doesn’t meet this demand by June she might leave them.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy thing and it’s raises concerns about the relationship to me personally.

anyolddinosaur · 19/04/2023 08:25

Dog owners are mad. Of course this is a serious allergy if her throat is becoming itchy. Taking antihistamines for life is not ideal and may not control a serious allergy. You might be able to reduce the severity of the reaction by cleaning your home and dog but it's still going to be pretty unpleasant for her and you havent made any attempt to reduce the allergens.

This post sounds like it has been written by the girlfriend. He values the dog more than you - ditch him. In the unlikely event that it was written by a man - you dont care enough for this woman, set her free. Of course it's a difficult decision but if you loved her you'd find your dog a good home elsewhere.

Testina · 19/04/2023 08:27

@LookItsMeAgain “You can also get hypoallergenic dogs. I believe the Obama family when they were in the White House had a couple of them. They don't shed and are the perfect pet for a family with allergies”

How does that help the OP with a dilemma about rehoming her actual dog though? The problem isn’t that she’s looking for a swap 🤣

stayathomer · 19/04/2023 08:27

I don't agree with the 'just live with it' people as my son has bad allergies (not pet thank God!) and I can't imagine him trying to find a way to live with them daily. I also don't agree with the 'you're an awful person for getting rid of your dog' people, you're doing this to help someone BUT It is crazy before a year, especially if you aren't compatible living together. OP you're cleaning up your act, working on it etc for someone you've been with less than a year-you're basically changing your whole life and she's desperately saying 'show me, show me you're willing to do this' ... why the June deadline for something that is going to change your life so much? She has ocd so you need to be sure that you can change which is a huge ask for anyone, you honestly sound like you both need to slow down but I suspect from how 'now, now, now' she sounds that you're terrified it's it or she's gone which isn't fair

trytopullyoursocksup · 19/04/2023 08:27

you're not compatible. you don't want to rehome the dog and can't really think straight about it. Your place is messy, she likes tidy. You don't want to permanently rehome the dog as you don't in your heart of hearts think it will work out. It probably won't.

You will resent her moving into your place and chivvying to change your existing way of life (dog, dust, mess). She will resent moving into your place and being surrounded by dirt and you being unwilling slow and ineffective about changing anything for her so that she can feel at home. Both are uncomfortable.

The only way this could work is if you both move to a new place which is neutral.

what is the legal status of your place - owned or rented? how would she be building her future in your place?

Put moving into your place on hold and start thinking more long term about a real joint life together. It won't work out, you will probably split up, but you may as well realise that before you have both turned your lives upside down.

Dinhop · 19/04/2023 08:27

Your partner sounds like an attention seeker control freak. Ditch them and keep the dog… and the dust.

people like this are never happy. They’ll want you to get rid of something else soon. That’s how narcissists begin their abuse cycle.

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