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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 07:24

@ChienChatCheval its no different. Dog or nut, it’s an allergy and they are dangerous. The dog needs to go or the relationship can’t continue. There’s no middle ground.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:24

LoveSong · 19/04/2023 04:12

I genuinely couldn’t rehome my dogs for a new partner. They just wouldn’t be the person for me if that was necessary.

How old is the dog? Could you not stay living apart? How long have you been together? You haven’t lived together and may realise the relationship isn’t forever once you do, but you will have rehomed your dog. 😔

I feel so sorry for your dog.

100% this

Personally, if someone was weird about dogs then I'd bin them.

OuchIStubbedMyBigToe · 19/04/2023 07:25

I would judge you for this. And I'm not sorry.

ChaoticCrumble · 19/04/2023 07:26

The myths on here about allergies are terrible. Antihistamines work well for me taken daily for dust. They barely touch the sides for dogs/cats/bunnies/a bad pollen day. I couldn’t live like that, I really couldn’t. I am allergic to the saliva (a lick = instant hives for example) so it’s not just the hair.

that said I understand the OP’s caution and maybe it’s a sign the relationship isn’t right - but while I’d never expect a partner to give up a pet they might have to eventually for me in order to live there.

i’d tell her you’re struggling and see how she reacts. But she may not get it.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:26

Everyone saying allergies are so life threatening - my horse physio is allergic to horses and still works with them all day. Just takes antihistamines.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:26

ChaoticCrumble · 19/04/2023 07:26

The myths on here about allergies are terrible. Antihistamines work well for me taken daily for dust. They barely touch the sides for dogs/cats/bunnies/a bad pollen day. I couldn’t live like that, I really couldn’t. I am allergic to the saliva (a lick = instant hives for example) so it’s not just the hair.

that said I understand the OP’s caution and maybe it’s a sign the relationship isn’t right - but while I’d never expect a partner to give up a pet they might have to eventually for me in order to live there.

i’d tell her you’re struggling and see how she reacts. But she may not get it.

Sorry didn't see your message. I'm sure some are worse than others.

Iguanainanigloo · 19/04/2023 07:27

She's an adult not a child, so tell her to pop a piriton and see if that helps. Honestly, she will probably find over time after overexposure to the dog, the allergies lessen. I am allergic to cats and dogs, but have both, as I adore animals and would struggle to not have pets. When we first got the animals, I would be quite allergic and struggle, but the dogs don't affect me at all now, and the cats, so long as I wash my hands after touching them, I'm fine. My mum has an ancient cat which she got when I lived at home (15 years ago!) And I used to be fine with her after the initial allergy flare up, but when I visit now, she makes me so allergic, I'm guessing as I don't have as frequent exposure to that particular cat. I think your partner needs to at least try living with the dog, and seeing if her allergies calm down in time. If she hasn't thought about this, to me it sounds like she just doesn't like the dog, or doesn't want to live with a pet. It's unfair on the dog to not explore all possibilities before making that final decision to re-home.

Megifer · 19/04/2023 07:27

You've been with her for a year?

🤣🤣

Starlitestarbright · 19/04/2023 07:28

Your rehousing a beloved dog you've had for 4 years for a gf you've been with less than a year! That's utterly crazy. No way would I give my dog up for anyone.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:30

Starlitestarbright · 19/04/2023 07:28

Your rehousing a beloved dog you've had for 4 years for a gf you've been with less than a year! That's utterly crazy. No way would I give my dog up for anyone.

I'm hoping this thread is a wind up tbh.

Changedmymindtoday · 19/04/2023 07:30

Are you afraid of your partner?

“go back on my word”

A dog is a man’s best friend so to speak, if she can’t understand the difficulty of doing this for you, she ain’t worth the hassle. A little patience and empathy go a long way.

HyacinthBookay · 19/04/2023 07:32

Stressyfab · 19/04/2023 04:27

I’m allergic to cats. Didn’t need to take a test to find out, it was extremely obvious from the get go….
Thats a bit sus.

That thought also crossed my mind. But perhaps we’re being mean and should give her the benefit of the doubt.

YukoandHiro · 19/04/2023 07:33

@Iguanainanigloo please read my previous posts - and stop being an idiot. The OP has a horrible decision to make but all this minimising of allergies makes me fucking furious

safetyfreak · 19/04/2023 07:33

If you love your girlfriend and see a future, you will rehome your dog and put your partner first.

I dont blame her for getting upset, if you refuse to rehome the dog then your ending the relationship basically as shes allergic?

ChienChatCheval · 19/04/2023 07:34

Littlegoth · 19/04/2023 07:24

@ChienChatCheval its no different. Dog or nut, it’s an allergy and they are dangerous. The dog needs to go or the relationship can’t continue. There’s no middle ground.

It is different, because this one involves a dog, who OP has signed up to care for having to be got rid of.

daisymoonlight · 19/04/2023 07:34

I bet they wouldn’t tell someone with a nut allergy that they just need to take a daily antihistamine and crack on

Nuts arent living creatures that have built a bond with you and rely on you for their survival. Nuts dont feel pain or separation anxiety. Nuts dont live in your house as your companion. I dont love nuts or cry when they come to the end of their life. What a stupid comparison.

MagpieSong · 19/04/2023 07:34

My best friend since childhood has huge allergies to most animals including dogs and cats. Her parents always made sure she had pets as exposure can help reduce the allergy. She’s an adult now, but simply takes anti-histamines and asthma medication to help cope with the allergies. Is this something your partner could do along with you both cleaning more often? I wouldn’t personally give up my pets for a partner, they are part of my life and the partner would have to deal with that.

ChaoticCrumble · 19/04/2023 07:34

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:26

Everyone saying allergies are so life threatening - my horse physio is allergic to horses and still works with them all day. Just takes antihistamines.

You’ve never heard of life threatening allergies? I saw you reply to another post of mine so not meaning to pick but this is a bug bear of mine.

also, something doesn’t have to be life threatening to be miserable. Working with horses is presumably outside a lot? That will help mitigate some of the issues.

if I visit my inlaws where they have a cat and rarely vacuum, I can feel it affecting my breathing within 15 minutes, my eyes stream, I become a snotty mess. Not going to kill me but it’s not nice. Stayed over the once and the feeling in my throat and chest was unbearable. Never again. If I fell head over heels for someone, and the relationship was forever, I’d hope they’d be sympathetic.

Srin · 19/04/2023 07:35

To the people who are ‘allergic’ to their pets but still live with them. You are either not really allergic to them or your allergies are so mild that they are obviously not relevant to this situation. It unfair to suggest you can live with a pet if the person is actually allergic to them. Antihistamine is a bit like taking lemsip with a heavy cold and becomes less effective after a few days. It also makes you dozy and sluggish (I sometimes use them as sleeping pills). It is true you can last out for a while, but it would be miserable as you would feel ill all the time.

daisymoonlight · 19/04/2023 07:37

Srin · 19/04/2023 07:35

To the people who are ‘allergic’ to their pets but still live with them. You are either not really allergic to them or your allergies are so mild that they are obviously not relevant to this situation. It unfair to suggest you can live with a pet if the person is actually allergic to them. Antihistamine is a bit like taking lemsip with a heavy cold and becomes less effective after a few days. It also makes you dozy and sluggish (I sometimes use them as sleeping pills). It is true you can last out for a while, but it would be miserable as you would feel ill all the time.

She may well be horribly allergic and I agree with this. BUT what concerns me is her lack of empathy that this is hard for the OP, her pressuring him to do it quickly and the fact she "isnt willing to wait" (OP's own words). That doesnt sound like a particularly caring person to me. Theyve been dating for a year. Not 25.

Sunshineandrainbow · 19/04/2023 07:37

You can get petal cleanse to wipe on the animals fur once a week which helps.
An air purifier upstairs and downstairs also really helps us.

AlexisR · 19/04/2023 07:38

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:26

Everyone saying allergies are so life threatening - my horse physio is allergic to horses and still works with them all day. Just takes antihistamines.

Some allergies are manageable and some aren't. It's a acale. It's not 'you have allergies or you don't'. Some people have mild allergies which can be managed with antihistamines.

Dibblydoodahdah · 19/04/2023 07:38

@VincentVaguer ”weird”….I didn’t choose to be allergic. I used to sit on my auntie’s dog as a toddler - she was very gentle and happy for me treat her as my pony! I didn’t start becoming ill until around nine. I’d only get ill when I visited my auntie. My
parents had no idea what was wrong until an off duty nurse told them I was having an asthma attack. After that, they took me
to GP and got a diagnosis.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:38

Srin · 19/04/2023 07:35

To the people who are ‘allergic’ to their pets but still live with them. You are either not really allergic to them or your allergies are so mild that they are obviously not relevant to this situation. It unfair to suggest you can live with a pet if the person is actually allergic to them. Antihistamine is a bit like taking lemsip with a heavy cold and becomes less effective after a few days. It also makes you dozy and sluggish (I sometimes use them as sleeping pills). It is true you can last out for a while, but it would be miserable as you would feel ill all the time.

This is rubbish. You can have mild, irritating allergies. I have hay fever which anti histamines control but its still annoying and unpleasant occasionally. My friend is blind sided by hay fever absolutely zonked, so it totally depends.

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 07:39

Dibblydoodahdah · 19/04/2023 07:38

@VincentVaguer ”weird”….I didn’t choose to be allergic. I used to sit on my auntie’s dog as a toddler - she was very gentle and happy for me treat her as my pony! I didn’t start becoming ill until around nine. I’d only get ill when I visited my auntie. My
parents had no idea what was wrong until an off duty nurse told them I was having an asthma attack. After that, they took me
to GP and got a diagnosis.

I wasn't talking about you 🤷‍♀️