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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
AutumnColours9 · 20/04/2023 18:12

I would rather keep the dog..
I have allergies and take medication for it. Removing is very drastic for a lifetime commitment of a pet.

suzysnowball · 20/04/2023 18:24

Do you really care so little about a pet you've loved all them years. Time to get rid ofvthe gf asap. The gf will move in and rule roost she'll be on your back re cleaning etc. How could you even think about this as an option? You need a massive rethink.of prioritises

linsey2581 · 20/04/2023 18:24

Personally I would re home the girlfriend !

Thinking2022 · 20/04/2023 18:28

Maybe she just doesn't understand what it is like to love a dog. we were all taken aback by how much we missed our dog when we went away for a 2 week break. you need to explain that it is not a question of choosing between the dog and her but trying to find a way to make sure you can hand over your dog but still see it. Why not let her know your love for your dog is making it very hard for you? I think most people would see your devotion as the sign of a perfect future father. Is there any chance the dog could just live in one room? Is more regular grooming an option to minimise shedding? A different vacuum cleaner? Why not ask her for her suggestions?

Evan456 · 20/04/2023 18:38

This isn’t going to work, I don’t think the dog is the whole issue, I think she’s controlling and after the dog it’ll be something else, like your friends etc, her neediness will eventually wear you down

azlazee1 · 20/04/2023 18:42

The old dilemma - keep the pet/loose the partner, or get rid of pet. I've had many dogs over the years that I loved and I don't think I could have given them up for anyone. Would she be willing to take allergy medicine? I've heard that's worked for many couples. I'm sorry you're facing this difficult situation, and as a fellow dog lover, I wish you well.

LaDamaDeElche · 20/04/2023 18:45

Wow that's a massive sacrifice on your part for someone who you haven't really known that long. No one knows if that's "their person", relationships break up, people have problems etc. You'll have to hope that this doesn't end up being a big point of resentment and something that comes up in arguments when the rose tinted glasses fall off. Relationships are hard enough, but when one person has made such a big sacrifice and the other none, it starts off on an unequal footing. She doesn't really sound like she really gets the magnitude of your sacrifice either. You guys are going to need some luck to make this work.

SaponificationQueen · 20/04/2023 18:50

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:12

So my partner lives with a family member so no lease to break but I understand it’s still a risk for her. I’ve had the dog for 4 years and been with my partner for just under a year.

Um, under a year? That’s an absolute no, don’t rehome your dog. You may think she’s the one now, but give it some time. I would say if you are still together a year from now, then maybe reconsider the moving in together. Honestly, my dogs and cats are my children. There is no one that would take priority over them.

Jillybloop393 · 20/04/2023 19:02

LoveSong · 19/04/2023 04:12

I genuinely couldn’t rehome my dogs for a new partner. They just wouldn’t be the person for me if that was necessary.

How old is the dog? Could you not stay living apart? How long have you been together? You haven’t lived together and may realise the relationship isn’t forever once you do, but you will have rehomed your dog. 😔

I feel so sorry for your dog.

This! I don't think she's being very fair. How old is your dog, and what breed? I have four dogs and many other pets, and would think seriously about taking on any partner that insisted on me getting rid of them.

LaDamaDeElche · 20/04/2023 19:05

Is there anything else she what's you to change apart from your cleaning skills and your dog? If the answer to this is yes, you might have someone with a tendency to be controlling about to move in with you. It's really not fun to live with a person like that.

locomum83 · 20/04/2023 19:06

So personally, if I met someone special I'd expect them to love me as I am, dogs and all. The problem is actually with her, you had the dog long before she was even a thought.
She sounds like she's being a bit pushy, and I'd be sceptical as to wether she actually has an allergy or just using it as a convenient excuse.
She could always take an antihistamine and see how she's goes.
I think if she truly loved you she wouldnt expect you to rehome your dog knowing how sad the idea makes you.
I know you obviously love this lady and want a life with her, but if this is the first thing she's going to control in your relationship (and it's quite a big one) what else does she want to control??

Never put the pussy on the pedastal!!

ReadtheReviews · 20/04/2023 19:08

It doesnt just mean rehoming this dog. It means never owning one again.
Couldnt do it. Even for Jeff Goldblum.

godmum56 · 20/04/2023 19:09

Gonna say I think the dog is the tip of the iceberg...the cleaning thing....you have said you are going to have to make changes for her.....what life changes is she going to make for you? Ok not a full on aooogah klaxon but deffo huge red flag

Emsy80 · 20/04/2023 19:09

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:12

So my partner lives with a family member so no lease to break but I understand it’s still a risk for her. I’ve had the dog for 4 years and been with my partner for just under a year.

Please don't do it. I've had our first dog for a year now. Being together with your partner just under a year and moving in together doesn't guarantee it working out. Neither does being together 5 years and then moving in together. But the dog has been with you 4 human years which apparently = 20 dog years. I understand you love her but ... the poor dog won't understand. And I'm not usually one to say that but there has to be another way round it. She's not being considerate of your feelings either so make a decision one way or another and don't leave it on the fence.

leli · 20/04/2023 19:09

LoveSong · 19/04/2023 04:12

I genuinely couldn’t rehome my dogs for a new partner. They just wouldn’t be the person for me if that was necessary.

How old is the dog? Could you not stay living apart? How long have you been together? You haven’t lived together and may realise the relationship isn’t forever once you do, but you will have rehomed your dog. 😔

I feel so sorry for your dog.

I feel exactly the same. I would not rehome my dog to please a partner. I had a fussy boyfriend who didn’t like my terrier. I made it clear that the terrier wasn’t going anywhere and bf would have to adjust. He did. Little terrier is no longer with us but our current pair of dogs are much loved by us both. Your girlfriend sounds very insensitive to your (and the dog’s) feelings.

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2023 19:11

locomum83 · 20/04/2023 19:06

So personally, if I met someone special I'd expect them to love me as I am, dogs and all. The problem is actually with her, you had the dog long before she was even a thought.
She sounds like she's being a bit pushy, and I'd be sceptical as to wether she actually has an allergy or just using it as a convenient excuse.
She could always take an antihistamine and see how she's goes.
I think if she truly loved you she wouldnt expect you to rehome your dog knowing how sad the idea makes you.
I know you obviously love this lady and want a life with her, but if this is the first thing she's going to control in your relationship (and it's quite a big one) what else does she want to control??

Never put the pussy on the pedastal!!

I don't think this is fair. OP has said her allergies are obvious and she's constantly taking antihistamines that don't work. There's no reason to think she's making it up, and it's really manipulative to take the stance "if you loved me you'd accept something constantly detrimental to your health". If he wants to live with her, which he's repeatedly said he does, then he needs to rehome his dog, it isn't reasonable to expect her to move in and put up with it.

Emsy80 · 20/04/2023 19:14

The only issue up to yet. Your dog also thought it was a relationship for life. Everyone thinks that in the honeymoon period until it wears off.

Messyhair321 · 20/04/2023 19:15

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:16

I know under a year May be a little alarming but we both know we are each others person for life. We’ve made plans for the future and this is the only issue in our relationship.

I'm sorry to hear that this is an issue I couldn't imagine having to do this & how torn I'd feel.

But I suspect that there are other issues that are centering on your indecision about your dog, & I don't know from what you've said if it sounds like it's just about that.
Moving in together is a difficult & huge decision. Your DP sounds like she has anxiety issues which can be very hard to live with.
Why not give it more time, if she wants to be with you she'll wait

Emsy80 · 20/04/2023 19:15

locomum83 · 20/04/2023 19:06

So personally, if I met someone special I'd expect them to love me as I am, dogs and all. The problem is actually with her, you had the dog long before she was even a thought.
She sounds like she's being a bit pushy, and I'd be sceptical as to wether she actually has an allergy or just using it as a convenient excuse.
She could always take an antihistamine and see how she's goes.
I think if she truly loved you she wouldnt expect you to rehome your dog knowing how sad the idea makes you.
I know you obviously love this lady and want a life with her, but if this is the first thing she's going to control in your relationship (and it's quite a big one) what else does she want to control??

Never put the pussy on the pedastal!!

This!!!!

Poppingmad123 · 20/04/2023 19:21

Don’t ditch the dog. 4 years is a long time & I can understand how sad you and the dog will be. I would ask your partner to meet you half way. They should take something for allergies, you should clean your house thoroughly & keep the dog only in certain rooms, which will be hard. Then partner can come over for a bit to start getting used to your space. Maybe the allergies will not be as bad. I would try that first than get rid of the dog. I have allergies so do understand it’s hard but they should be willing to meet you half way.

Clarich007 · 20/04/2023 19:22

I'm sorry you are in this situation Canine conundrum, but there is no way on this earth that I would rehome a beloved dog of 4 years, just so your gf of 12 months can move in. A year is nothing really in the great scheme of things.
You are that dogs whole world, he will be so upset and confused.
I think you know this too, and that is why you are finding it so hard to do something about it. Listen to your gut feeling please.
What do you want to do? Good luck

Novatherova · 20/04/2023 19:24

Good for you coming to a decision.

I'm not sure I could do it with my cat. I'd end up being resentful. I couldn't forgive myself.

Hope you all have happy life x

Chestnutlover · 20/04/2023 19:36

Honestly she sounds a bit controlling, putting so much pressure on you so soon. Be careful. I moved in with my partner quickly too and now I regret it so much. I don’t think you really know who someone is for at least over a year

LoisLane66 · 20/04/2023 19:37

It's best to have your home cleaned from top to bottom before your partner moves in as dander and hair can stick around for a long time and if you visit your loved pet, you'll need to change clothes when you get home.
Are you sure about this relationship as your partner could end up being controlling despite what you think of them right now. Being allergic to pets and OCD could irritate you after a while if your general way of living is more relaxed than hers.
Also, it would deny any children you might have, the opportunity to have a pet.
Think long and hard about changes you are being asked to make in order to live with your partner but they aren't meeting you half way...are they?

LoisLane66 · 20/04/2023 19:41

Don't assume it's an M and F relationship. It might be F and F.

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