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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 20/04/2023 08:29

Well I hope the dog is happy in his new home and I wish him luck and good health.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/04/2023 08:37

GBel · 20/04/2023 07:41

I’m sorry but you’ve had your dog 4 years and you’ve been with your gf under a year? People like you should never own a dog? Severe YTA!! Who puts their needs of a partner who they’ve been with less time then their beloved pet, I’m sorry my husband and my youngest son is allergic to dogs. There are ways around it, medication being one the drs can prescribe a much higher dose of antihistamine then you can buy over the counter. You and your partner are assholes. Please don’t own another animal, they are toys you can push away when they become inconvenient to you.

What kind of shitty, shitty mother would put their child on high strength antihistamines for years just so they can have a dog? Perhaps you shouldn't have had children if you're not prepared to prioritize their welfare?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/04/2023 08:47

There are ways around it, medication being one the drs can prescribe a much higher dose of antihistamine then you can buy over the counter

No they’re aren’t ways round all of it. Anti histamines don’t work for me.

ChienChatCheval · 20/04/2023 08:47

DisquietintheRanks · 20/04/2023 08:37

What kind of shitty, shitty mother would put their child on high strength antihistamines for years just so they can have a dog? Perhaps you shouldn't have had children if you're not prepared to prioritize their welfare?

Show quote history

What kind of shitty dog owner would get rid of their dog for a partner they’ve known for 5 minutes?

ChienChatCheval · 20/04/2023 08:49

WisherWood · 20/04/2023 08:29

Well I hope the dog is happy in his new home and I wish him luck and good health.

I wish that for the dog too.

I hope the ‘adults’ in this situation get exactly what they deserve too. 😉

maddening · 20/04/2023 08:51

NotAnotherPylon · 19/04/2023 09:21

Wow! That is amazing. It HAS to be the case for everyone as it worked for you. Doesn't it ... ?

DP developed dog/cat allergies in his mid twenties (around the same time he was diagnosed with asthma). He's in his fifties now and is still waiting for his immune system to 'calm down'. I would have brought a couple of cats into the house, but I preferred him alive ... most of the time.

We are all different. Trying to test if someone's allergies are serious or if they can be lessened through gradual exposure is a risky strategy.

Show quote history

Allergies are crazy things though - I am asthmatic since I was v little and extremely allergic to dogs. I am also allergic to cats (and lots of animals, hay-fever etc) with cats it is the eyes, sneezing feeling rotten etc - cats I can take antihistamines and after staying with cats it does calm down, dogs not possible- that is asthma attacks and I can't risk it, antihistamines don't have the same impact for dogs - for me.

Op, it is worth her staying a couple of months with antihistamines and possibly the antihistamine injection whilst also invoking a stricter regime of dusting, hoovering and air filters etc to see if it could work. Obviously if her condition does not improve then it isn't workable but providing that her allergic reaction is not dangerous and it can be made livable with medication and cleaning perhaps you have a chance?

Magicmama92 · 20/04/2023 10:17

There's no way I'd get rid of my dog.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2023 10:49

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/04/2023 08:47

There are ways around it, medication being one the drs can prescribe a much higher dose of antihistamine then you can buy over the counter

No they’re aren’t ways round all of it. Anti histamines don’t work for me.

Op’s gf is very recently diagnosed ergo she will not have tried beyond otc. He hasn’t engaged with all the advice to clean or remove dust and dander or bathe his dog. There are a lot they could do but don’t appear willing. I hope the dog is happy in his future home. He deserves people, who will love him even when he’s old and grey.

Irequireausername · 20/04/2023 11:34

Glad you've come to a decision OP, ignore the bitter weirdos on this thread 😂

MagpieSong · 20/04/2023 11:41

Srin · 19/04/2023 07:35

To the people who are ‘allergic’ to their pets but still live with them. You are either not really allergic to them or your allergies are so mild that they are obviously not relevant to this situation. It unfair to suggest you can live with a pet if the person is actually allergic to them. Antihistamine is a bit like taking lemsip with a heavy cold and becomes less effective after a few days. It also makes you dozy and sluggish (I sometimes use them as sleeping pills). It is true you can last out for a while, but it would be miserable as you would feel ill all the time.

This isn’t strictly true. My best friend (known her since babyhood) is very allergic and has lived with animals all her life. She has several other health issues as well which she was under GOSH for as a child which affected her breathing and eating. As an adult she went through a no pet period and her allergies worsened when she was away from them. She’s always had to take antihistamines very often (less than daily after long periods of living with animals) and inhalers daily for this. I’m not saying it’s that way for everyone but you simply can’t claim those people are not allergic. Hers is specifically a saliva allergy, so potentially different to experiences with fur allergy.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 20/04/2023 12:28

There's no chance I'd re-home my dog unless your GF has tried antihistamines (and if one doesn't work, try another until she's tried them all), you've bought a pet hoover and use it daily, you install a HEPA filter and looked up other ways of reducing dander.

She might love a very clean house but you love your dog.

I hope it all works out for you but I think you should try everything before you re-home the dog. Her allergies could reduce over time as other posters have said.

Helena91 · 20/04/2023 12:46

I would NEVER dream of telling someone to give up a family member for me! I am horribly allergic to cats but we have 2! I think she sounds like a very entitled and precious person. You are going to regret giving in to her unreasonable demands. Do the right thing and put your family first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2023 14:10

Irequireausername · 20/04/2023 11:34

Glad you've come to a decision OP, ignore the bitter weirdos on this thread 😂

Bitter weirdos 🙄

Verv · 20/04/2023 14:21

Personally, I believe that when you get a dog, you make a commitment which is lifelong.
And if you make a lifelong commitment, you dont drop it after 4 years because your girlfriend of under a year is allergic.

ZiriForEver · 20/04/2023 15:10

ChienChatCheval · 20/04/2023 08:47

What kind of shitty dog owner would get rid of their dog for a partner they’ve known for 5 minutes?

Show quote history

What kind of shitty poster would ridicule a nearly year long relationship of people considering there next steps including potential living together with phrases like "5 minutes"?

Yes, they can theoretically wait longer, but for what? The question won't disappear. Maybe they can try some remedials, but bit without a clear plan (what to try, what would happen if it doesn't work until X) they are just prolonging uncertainty.
If the dog owner wants to say "never rehome", they can say it now as well. If the owner decides re-homing is an option, it must be a real option.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/04/2023 15:54

MagpieSong · 20/04/2023 11:41

This isn’t strictly true. My best friend (known her since babyhood) is very allergic and has lived with animals all her life. She has several other health issues as well which she was under GOSH for as a child which affected her breathing and eating. As an adult she went through a no pet period and her allergies worsened when she was away from them. She’s always had to take antihistamines very often (less than daily after long periods of living with animals) and inhalers daily for this. I’m not saying it’s that way for everyone but you simply can’t claim those people are not allergic. Hers is specifically a saliva allergy, so potentially different to experiences with fur allergy.

Show quote history

How can she be very allergic and live with them?

I’m very allergic. Anti histamines don’t touch it. She can’t be very allergic if she can take antihistamines and it just goes away.

Its the dander that causes the problems. Found in fur and saliva.

DisquietintheRanks · 20/04/2023 16:03

MagpieSong · 20/04/2023 11:41

This isn’t strictly true. My best friend (known her since babyhood) is very allergic and has lived with animals all her life. She has several other health issues as well which she was under GOSH for as a child which affected her breathing and eating. As an adult she went through a no pet period and her allergies worsened when she was away from them. She’s always had to take antihistamines very often (less than daily after long periods of living with animals) and inhalers daily for this. I’m not saying it’s that way for everyone but you simply can’t claim those people are not allergic. Hers is specifically a saliva allergy, so potentially different to experiences with fur allergy.

Show quote history

What you're describing is a mild pet allergy. I'm like this with dogs - after a few weeks my immune system damps down and I'm OK. With my severe pet allergy (rabbits) my eyes swell shut and the asthma starts after 3 minutes, by 5 minutes my face is swollen and I can barely breath, by 10 minutes it's epipens and blue light to hospital time. That's a severe pet allergy.

WisherWood · 20/04/2023 16:24

ChienChatCheval · 20/04/2023 08:49

I wish that for the dog too.

I hope the ‘adults’ in this situation get exactly what they deserve too. 😉

Show quote history

The thing with the adults in this situation is that they are, more or less, free agents. They can decide who they want to live with and for how long. The dog doesn't have this degree of agency and will just get passed around, depending on how tolerant the humans are. So yes, my sympathies are with the dog.

If that makes me a bitter weirdo, so be it 😁I'm happy in my relationship with my partner, who shares my view of animals and their worth.

MarvellousMonsters · 20/04/2023 17:58

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:12

So my partner lives with a family member so no lease to break but I understand it’s still a risk for her. I’ve had the dog for 4 years and been with my partner for just under a year.

What currently happens when she visits your house and has contact with your dog?

A year is very early days in a relationship to be making a huge sacrifice like rehoming your dog, has she looked into any antihistamine treatments to see if she could live with the dog. Another issue is her aversion to dust/dog hair, will she be involved in keeping the house cleaned to help manage this, or does she expect you to do it all??

Honestly, for me, the dog I've had 4 years is more important than the GF of 12 months. If she's not willing to try to find ways of coping with the situation then (unless she's anaphylaxis level allergic) it sounds pretty one sided like you are doing all the running.

Charmian1957 · 20/04/2023 17:59

Get rid of the girlfriend. I would never put a partner in front of my fur babies. She can get help with her allergies. And if it does not work, tuff on her. Your dog has given you all his love to be tossed aside for a relationship. That is terrible. If you genuinely love your dog, you should not even be thinking about it. And she is already telling you to clean your house more. Tell her to get help or get lost. The dog is staying.

H007 · 20/04/2023 18:05

Dump the GF, she isn’t allergic she just doesn’t like your dog or the way you live. If she wants to move in it should be as you are, you shouldn’t have to change.

Mollywollywoo · 20/04/2023 18:07

No no no no no and just another no, allergies can be treated. You have been with her a year and she hasn’t keeled over yet so it can’t be that bad and my husband has a pretty severe allergic reaction to the dander from any dog. When we got together he stocked up on antihistamines and guess what… he built up a tolerance to the dog and they live together perfectly and then we got two more!!! The point i am making is, she doesn’t want the dog and for me that is an absolute deal breaker. That dog has loved you and been loyal for four years… to be re-homed because she doesn’t want a dog in her OCD house. What if that wasn’t a dog you had but a child from a previous partner? Would you need to re-home the child because it didn’t fit in with her ideals of life? Then we come to the point of because you are maybe untidy or you have some dust. YOU NEED TO CHANGE!!!! Red flag… controlling right there, I am so sorry to sound harsh and am all for compromise. If she had swollen up like the elephant man, or had a serious reaction and you’d known her more than a year I could maybe, maybe see it but in a year she wants you to get rid of the dog that you love and who loves you, change how you live and basically be exactly what she wants. That is not an equal, loving partnership. In a relationship you compromise, tolerate loads of things you don’t love because your love for the person is stronger than the things that irritate you. Find someone who loves you just the way you are and not because they want to make you into someone else. Oh and tell them, the doggy stays… non negotiable.

phlebasconsidered · 20/04/2023 18:07

I am an allergic asthmatic who is allergic to dogs, cats, rabbits, rodents, dust, grass and it goes on.

I also could not live without my animals! So- here is how it works for me. A new pet will make me much worse for about 3 months. In those 3 months I up inhalers, antihistamines, and wear long sleeves etc and masks if cleaning out / grooming. I am religious about cleaning but not too mad- some exposure is necessary. After about 3mo I find the symptoms settle down and after about 6 mo I am no longer reactive to my own pet (although dog slobber will still give me hives- so I train them not to lick me).

I also have easy clean flooring, no carpets, a very good hoover, and never ever let them upstairs or in my bedroom.

If I go round a friends house I will still be allergic to their pets- it's the exposure and care that means i've adjusted to mine. I bloody love my dogs and cats and couldn't be without them. With planning and care allergies are fine and there's no way i'd be dumping any of my pets for anyone.

Ladyfrog59 · 20/04/2023 18:10

I'd replace your girlfriend.

MummyNeedsADrinkDear · 20/04/2023 18:10

This just screams incompatible to me. Under a year is an extremely new relationship. I just have visions of her getting pissed off because your levels of cleanliness aren't the same. I feel like she'll resent you eventually for that and you for your dog.
What's the hurry to live together?
Also she HAS ocd she is not obsessive compulsive disorder!
She might be oc but she can't BE ocd.