Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

Exactly. Well said. Maddening that so many think the gf should just Medicate.

Wow a lot of responses, thank you to everyone who has responded. Just to clarify a few things, she never demanded I get rid of the dog. She was honest about the fact she doesn’t think she can live with a dog and felt bad but didn’t know how difficult she’d find it as she’s never around them. It was me who chose to rehome him but I’m struggling with the thought of it.

to the person who asked about holidays, yes we’ve had a few trips together already as we love to travel. I saw her today and we had a heart to heart and aired everything out. She told me she doesn’t want me to do something if it will make me unhappy and suggested maybe I’d be happier with someone who is an animal lover. However I don’t want that as they wouldn’t be her. We’ve agreed a time frame and I will begin the conversations with family members soon. She was frustrated by the lack of conversation with others as she didn’t know where she stood but we’ve clarified everything now. Rehoming him will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I can’t imagine my life without my partner. Nobody has ever made me this happy. This is the only issue in our relationship even though it’s a big one but it’s a risk I have to take. At least this way my dog will be with people he already knows and I will be able to visit. I started this thread as I wanted advice on how to handle the situation and you all gave me a lot to think about

We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

If she's that allergic, rehoming your dog will have minor impact as the house will remain full of his fur and other allergens long after he's left the house.

I'd stick with the dog.

Also the OCD comment was flippant and I apologise. I just meant she’s particular about keeping a clean and tidy home. Not showroom level but presentable. I admittedly haven’t been great at doing that and she emphasised the need for a clean space and I’ve been receptive to it as I know my standards could be higher

🙄

You have no idea if your relationship will go the distance if you haven’t even lived together yet. I would let her get her own place and see how it goes first before giving up your pet of 4 years.

Many people think their partner is it when they’re in the honeymoon phase, living together is completely different.

Anyway, I think your pet deserves a better home. It will break his heart - personally I couldn’t do that to my cat or dog. Trust me, you’ll regret that decision.

I don’t think that’s the case here though. They’ve been dating for a year and she only just got tested to confirm she’s allergic to dogs. he mentioned watery eyes, etc. but nothing so strong it means she can’t be around the dog without a visit to A&E. surely they’d have had to make a decision before now if it was that serious.

She’s also allergic to dust and the post made it clear their house is dusty. So it’s unclear if it’s entirely the dog that’s the problem.

So I wouldn’t go as far as suggesting he break up with her like some folks have. But if it was me, I’d be taking some steps first to minimise the pet dander as much as possible to see if that works. And getting the dust cleared too. Because there was no mention of them really trying anything yet to see if her allergies could be managed.

before you give up a pet that has been a part of your family for 4 years… or equally to be having it create an issue with your other half, I’d think you’d try anything and everything to make it work first.

Ninety nine percent you’ll regret this decision. So many posters have told you they managed to overcome the allergy issues. No decent person would make giving up your beloved pet their red line without even trying.

Cross post @xxx82 I should have added no decent pet owner just relinquishes their pet without exploring all options either.

Money doesn’t seem to be an issue and op could spend the money from travelling on hard flooring and deep, deep cleaning the house. His house the dog’s home.

Why agree to get rid so easily?
You haven't even tried thorough cleaning and dusting yet??
You'll regret it if you get rid of the dog

I wouldn't get rid of my dog.

If she was suddenly wheezing last weekend it could be hay-fever. It's v bad for me at this time of year. You could get rid of the dog and then find out uts a tree or flowers outside your house.

It doesn't sound as though she's willing to compromise very much or even try anything else. If your house is still dusty I wonder whether you done really want her to move in.

Unpleasant remarks. You're the one showing yourself up as horrible horrible horrible.

Don't get rid of your dog of 4 years for someone you've been with for under a year, for goodness sake. If she was really perfect for you, she wouldn't even let you get rid of your dog. This isn't a smart decision and you will, on some level, resent her for it if you go through with it.

If she has OCD I wouldn't rush for her to move in. How often does she stay at yours and for how long?

She sounds a little bit controlling. I would hold off with moving in and get to know each other more. You only know her for a year, but are about to make some big changes for her.

There is no rush to move in. It shouldn't be this difficult.

I think you will regret giving up your dog. You're giving up a lot, I think your girlfriend is controlling to. She is likely jealous of the affection you have for your dog.

What happens if your family can't take the dog?

Sorry, but you and your GF don’t sound very compatible. She’s already making demands and telling you your house work has got to improve….
I would keep her at a distance if you want to continue seeing her, but certainly wouldn’t be giving up a beloved dog for someone who tells me my housework has got to improve…

Which thread have you been reading?

They are committed to each other and want to be together but she's allergic to dogs.

OP doesn't seem bothered about the housework situation but would like to rehouse his dog as the love of OPs life is allergic to dogs.

It’s a relationship of less than a year. 🤣 I think every relationship I have had was good at that point. Love of his life...ffs. Crazy.

Right, so the dog isn’t the only issue then is it?

I'm glad you have explained OP because I think people were reacting due to the way you phrased your first post. It sounded like she was demanding a time frame and you didnt want to do it and she had threatened to leave you. The way it came across made her sound really quite cold and uncaring.

I do empathise, its a very difficult situation. I presume you are giving the dog to family then which is your choice. If she is that allergic you might have to change clothes/shower every time you see the dog then. I just hope that she is willing to make compromises in this relationship too as you are making a big sacrifice to be fair.

I’m sorry but you’ve had your dog 4 years and you’ve been with your gf under a year? People like you should never own a dog? Severe YTA!! Who puts their needs of a partner who they’ve been with less time then their beloved pet, I’m sorry my husband and my youngest son is allergic to dogs. There are ways around it, medication being one the drs can prescribe a much higher dose of antihistamine then you can buy over the counter. You and your partner are assholes. Please don’t own another animal, they are toys you can push away when they become inconvenient to you.

I work in vet med and know people who are allergic. They take an anti-histamine every day in order to work with the animals they love. I really feel for you but her expecting you to rehome your dog for her, and her criticism of your homes cleanliness, is a red flag. There doesn't appear to have been any effort on her part to find a solution.
I would start with suggesting she take anti-histamines and stay over for the weekends on a regular basis. I'm going out on a limb and guessing she really doesn't like dogs. You have to decide if you really love all of her enough to loose your dog and spend the rest of your life without a dog in it when you are obviously a dog lover.
I don't envy your decision, good luck OP