Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

Actually I’ve just read your updates , you really don’t want to keep the poor dog , you feel guilty about rehoming. Best the dog goes to a relative he knows already and who won’t move him again.

Most of the people responding to this thread have absolutely no understanding of allergies and the physical and psychological impact.

just to be clear, I agree that he possibly should not re-home the dog. If he hasn’t done so already, I don’t think he is serious enough about the relationship.

the people who think this is something she can tough her way through are just nuts.

I’m allergic to cats quite badly, I’m well aware it’s not magically treatable, but was spitballing ideas early on to see if it could be made more manageable. Unfortunately it does appear OP doesn’t really want to try many precautions first to see if they’re beneficial. If I absolutely had to move in with cats for some reason these are things I’d much rather try than dare ask anyone to get rid of their pet.

Hepa filters/special pet hair vacuum cleaner, anti histamines, eye drops. If you haven't tried all that - why not? and she only got a test last week yet is now frustrated by your lack of progress? & you've been together less than a year? Timelines don't match up - why don't you just admit your girlfriend wanted you to get rid of the dog from the off, and it's to do with her obsession about cleanliness? More fool you if you get rid of your dog , and without trying all possible remedies for allergy too. My brother has dogs and when I stay over there, with anti histamines and eyedrops I'm fine. & actually the allergy has lessened over time. I'm allergic to cats too. I feel sorry for your dog

Whatsthefrequencykenny 's advice is spot on

I feel from your messages that you’re between two posts, not committed to your partner or the dog. You say you know this is your person but then about “if we were to break up..”. Her symptoms sound really awful and tbh in her position I would feel really hurt as it looks like you’re on the fence about her moving in.

There’s gonna be several view points depending on how you view a dog! If you feel a dog is “just a pet”
or a commodity, that’s one thing. For me, a dog is. Family member & I refused to get a dog, as much as I wanted one, until
i could commit to that lifespan! I feel like at the very least your partner should be respectful of how hard what you're being asked to do is! Are ther alternatives? Like, has your partner been around the dog to see how she reacts? What prompted the allergy test? Did something happen or did your partner know this all along and just decide to say?

90% of this thread is totally unhelpful. People who would never think about re-homing the animal and would, hopefully, say so when it comes to the first living together discussion

The OP is willing to consider it, actually already promised, but is not sure about it now, which is a different position.

Many haven't read the updates or chose to ignore, that the GF has severe issues in every visit - eventhough she already takes antihistamines. It isn't a new problem, she took the allergy tests specifically to confirm it isn't just "something else in the house", it is really about the dog.

We are happily married, thank you. Marriage is a partnership. My pets have been in my family before DH. He has to accept them or go with someone else petfree.

Pets are for life. They don't have a choice.

Happily married - but you'd ditch him in a second if he developed a serious allergy. Loves true dream indeed.

Keep the dog ...

Does she actually like your dog?

Do you really want to be with someone who has all these issues please dont get rid of your dog

less than a year?!

then she can wait surely. After 2.5 years or so then move in - and i would not be rehoming my dog for anyone!

you are not with the right person

Then surely she isn’t that allergic? - if it isn’t abundantly clear when she is around the dog then perhaps they aren’t that bad. I am very allergic to cats - I have two and take medication. The first allergy test I took was when I didn’t have a cat and it showed that I was more allergic than the second test a couple of years later having lived with one. Exposure therapy! Also, the allergy tests can be false positive (and false negative..). Everyone is different, however there are ways to cope such as keeping the dog in a certain space, hoovering up the hair and wiping down surfaces, washing hands etc. Do you feel that her OCD might be more at play here?

Also, there were two posts back to back with the first saying that you are each others’ persons for life and then the next one was saying something along the lines of that you are aware it may not work out - it sounds like you need to take a bit more time. There is nothing wrong in needing that!!

This is a real dilemma.

However there doesn't seem to be any understanding on her part how hard this is for you. Four years is a long time. As someone who has a dog I can empathise. When I first met my partner he wasn't keen on dogs. My dog is small but casts. A LOT. I made it clear the dog comes with me. 2 years later they are now the best of friends. I understand your situation is different with her allergies however I can't encourage rehoming the dog. It's not his/her fault. They should be part of the family. Irreplaceable.

Who said they I would ditch him? There are solutions available to allergies.

Maybe the reason you haven't got round to sorting arrangements is because deep down you don't know if it's the right thing to do in the long term. You haven't even been together 1 year and not tested living together which can make or break a relationship. Will her allergies to dust and OCD with cleaning cause arguments for example. My concern is you could end up resenting her if you give up your dog and things don't go as well as you'd hoped - if you really care about your dog that is .

Tel me these solutions

I rehomed a cat with my parents when she got old and the younger cats started picking on her. She was absolutely fine, and I got to see her whenever I wanted. Rip the plaster off and get on with it- tell them today and do it sooner rather than later. From what you have said, you need to pay someone to do a deep clean of your house between the dog moving out and your DP moving in.

My husband was allergic to our cats when we got them, he took antihistamines for a few weeks and has seemed to have developed immunity to them now, we have 2 very hairy dogs now and he's fine.

Personally unless she/you had tried everything once living in your house then I wouldn't be rehoming a dog I'd had for 4 years for a relatively new relationship.

You both sound immature. When adults have responsibilities and dependents, in this case a dog, you don’t just get to do what you want as if you’re completely free if it negatively impacts those responsibilities and dependents.

They’re aren’t solutions to all allergies. I have severe animal allergies and anti histamines don’t cut the mustard. In any dose or type.

The only things that work are steroids which you can’t take long term. So l have to avoid, unless l want to end up in hospital.

From experience:
A) Try different antihistamines. Some work, some don't. Cetirizine, loratadine, fexofenadine, any others - try them all, over the counter as well as prescription.
B) Exposure. It can take me 3-9 months of living with a new cat to get used to them. It's worked with 7 different cats so far for me.
C) Inhalers. They can take the edge off. Try a steroid inhaler e.g. beclometasone.
D) Flooring. Either hard flooring or regular hoovering with a good hair hoover - probably not a Henry, the bag should be filter not paper.

Speaking as someone who developed a life threatening allergy to the family pet, do tell? 50 years and counting, and it's still no better. I'm just grateful my parents decided to keep me and rehome the rabbit

My partner is allergic to cat's. We've been together 4 year's, live together. My cat of 6 year's is sat on the sofa.

My partner takes antihistamines, regular hoovering. And pet free rooms, cats not allowed upstairs or in the bedrooms.

I most certainly wouldn't get rid of a pet for someone I've been with for less than a year. Who I've not lived with.