Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

To me it sounds as though she’s suggested a deadline because nothing has happened at all, when actually the next step is quite clear, and she’s trying to bring it to a head to see if she’s being strung along.

Is she even aware that you're debating keeping the dog and breaking up with her?

I'd feel blindsided if my partner was thinking of choosing to keep a pet i'm allergic to, over us moving in together. It wouldn't even cross my mind and I think i'd reconsider being with someone who wasn't feeling committed and was instead contemplating putting a dog first.

I'm not saying that this will be the case for your dp but I am allergic to cats but acclimatised after 4-5 months or so and no longer am affected by the cat (tricky situation meant we had to take it in)

Yep she must be absolutely thrilled with herself. Got her boyfriend worrying about a bit of dust, making him rehome his dog with no consideration or care shown just manipulative behaviour, gets to move in with someone after just a year and leave her relatives (mummy and daddy im guessing)....

Hope you don't have any hobbies that you enjoy op!! 😬

I'd be disgusted if a partner I was interested in got rid of a dog for me, they made a commitment to that dog to be there through its life.

If they can't do that commitment what other commitments won't they honour.

But I'd never ask someone to do that as if I was allergic I'm probably not right for a animal lover.

I think OP should tell their GF, i'd really want to know how they felt before moving in.

After we brought our first horse home, we discovered my mum was severely allergic. Like her eyes would swell closed and she'd have asthma attacks. But she loved horses so much that she just lived on antihistamines, wore a scarf around her mouth and nose while with the horses and always washed her hands well. Eventually she built up amazing immunity- only took antihistamines on bad days.

I do wonder at your GFs mentality that she's pushing this so much. Why the rush to move in so soon? Why can't she explore options eg desensitisation shots?

Another one who wouldn’t be getting rid of the dog.

I’d absolutely be looking for them to manage their symptoms whilst you live together for a year and then take a view then.

Something like Dexamethasone should do the trick. I don’t think Kenalog injections are available any more…🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, the fact that you're posting on here says that you know deep down something is very wrong with your relationship. Only you know whether that's the issue with your dog or if you're just using that as an excuse to buy yourself sometime while you figure out what to do. Be honest with yourself.

if she is into alternative therapies she can try health kinesiology - I know many people who have reduced their pet allergies after 3-4 treatments. One friend was a mobile thai massage person who was her family's only bread winner and her dog allergy was stopping her going into client's homes and she was so delighted with the treatment she trained to be a health kinesiologist herself.

I would never, ever, ever give up a pet for a partner. You made a commitment to that pet long before the partner was ever on the scene. There are so many options for treating allergies that don't involving getting rid of your pet.

It's a massive red flag if someone wants their partner to give up a pet, IMO.

What antihistamines has she tried? And does she take them before visiting? I have a cat allergy that produces the same symptoms. If I visit someone with a cat, I have to take the AHs in advance, then I'm fine. It's too late once symptoms start.
An OTC AH is enough for me but DH and DS take prescription strength Fexofenadine for theirs - has she tried speaking to GP?
Like PPs, I also know of someone whose allergy improved over time with living with a dog. (He now lives away and has a flare-up for a few days each time he visits - definitely seems to be a 'getting used to it' thing for him).
As regards your GF, she's entitled to be frustrated if you're promising one thing but doing another. Time to be honest with her and say you're having doubts about getting rid of the dog and would she be willing to try out different solutions.
Might also be an idea to ask your family to have the dog for a week or two (or put him in kennels) to see how she is without the dog there.
Definitely worth testing a few different options before making a firm decision. If she's not willing to try anything, that will tell you a lot. But you do need to ask her!

At this stage, I think rehoming the dog would probably be the kindest thing for it - dogs deserve to be owned by someone who takes the commitment they made when making the decision to get one seriously.

Good luck!

Sorry I haven't rtft, but would it work to get a really good air filter or two? This one has £200 off at the moment https://amazing-air.co.uk/products/amazing-air-3000

I would not rehome my 4 year old dog for a 1 year relationship. You mentioned she was considering buying a house before meeting you, so maybe she could do this option, and if another year or so down the line things are still looking good, then maybe rent that out and move in together?

My dd is very allergic to pet dander, which was confirmed by a test at the hospital. She takes antihistamines which help a good amount. She has a cat which sleeps in her room and she would not even consider having her rehomed, nor our dog. We just make sure her bedding is changed weekly and the plan will be to eventually not have any carpets downstairs and have easily cleanable hard floor so some sort, probably cork.

I suspect the ocd has a larger part to play in why your gf wants you to rehome your dog. She presumably knew about your dog when you starting seeing each other. Is she like this about anything else in your home?

You would be an arsehole to rehome the dog...just saying. You haven't even been with her a year yet, poor dog is going to have its life turned upside down for someone you've known 5 minutes ffs

Please do rehome the dog, but independently and with a family who won't ditch it when something better comes along!

Your plan of " rehoming with family" to mitigate the risk of loss to yourself incase you don't work out is awfully selfish. To unsettle a member of your immediate family ( Loving homes treat pets as family? ) who relies on you for their everything, and has done nothing but give you loyalty and unconditional love, perfectly prepared to do it again should life with Cruella not work out, begs belief.

Not to mention somebody that claims to love you, allowing you too! A little reading will confirm we build up a natural tolerance to allergens, and we can work around them...so a period of managing the symptoms, and regudog grooming with anti allergan product..will sort her issue. However the suggestion that she may also not do well with dog related smells etc, does very clearly illustrate that some of this is her personal preference.

OCD Is a very serious and debilitating mental health issue. If she is diagnosed then dog smells are the least of her worries. If not she is just being precious!

Either find someone who is prepared to work at being in your life as you like your life, or as I said, rehome the dog somewhere it won't be messed around again.

Poor 🐕
No way would I part with mine

Op your partner sounds like a selfish control freak tbh! I would lose the partner not the dog!

I understand the length of our relationship is cause for concern but we are both genuinely so happy together apart from this one issue. They say when you know you really know and I do

And yet you've mentioned at least twice that you want your dog to go to family in case it doesn't work out with your GF. You seem to think that if you ask her to wait six months she might end things with you. And despite this apparently absolute belief that you really know she's the one for you, you haven't approached family members to explain the situation to them and ask about the dog.

I've been in a similar situation OP, except in my case the problem wasn't a dog but a job. I gave up the chance of a good job at the other end of the country to remain with my partner, who I knew was the one for me. Except within weeks of me turning down the job, he'd dumped me. So I had no job and no partner. I thought I really knew he was the one for me but once he'd dumped me, I realised there were signs, but I'd been blind to them.

I think you might find, if you take the rose-tinted specs off, that there are signs that you're wishing she's the one, but are worried that she might not be. That's why you're dragging your feet about your dog. On some level, you're not actually quite that sure.

Your poor dog. No way would I rehome my dog for a new live in boyfriend/girlfriend. Whilst I feel sorry for your GF, allergy isn't her fault, my dog and me are a pair, you get both of us.

“They say when you know you really know and I do but”

I posted earlier that talking about your “person for life” made you sound 13. That doesn’t change my opinion.

Don’t be silly. How many people on this site who are divorced now stood there on there wedding day “really knowing” 🤣

Is she prepared to compromise? Deep clean your house, groom your dog every day and ask her to take an antihistamine. See if anything changes.
IMO its too soon to think about rehoming your dog.

My DH was allergic to cats before he moved in with me, would get hives etc when he visited. He knew I would never rehome my cat. He took antihistamines every day to start with when he moved in but fairly quickly he got over the allergy and didn't need them any more. He now happily lives with the cat.

Having to rehome a pet for a new partner would be a total dealbreaker for me.

we both know we are each others person for life I'm sure your dog thinks that's his home for life.

You've been with her under a year, how could you?