Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

I would not rehome a dog of 4 years for a gf of less than a year.
You don't necessarily have to split up with the gf do you?

However the gf is right to be annoyed if you committed to 'June' and have not had conversations with family members yet.
I'm not sure why you haven't had non-committal conversations with family members about this yet if you think its a real option. If it turned out that a family member you really trusted was very enthusiastic about having the dog things could be a lot more straightforward. And if none of them wanted the dog a whole lot more complicated.

GF is being unreasonable and demanding. Why did she get involved with someone with a dog? I couldn't live with myself if I had to rehome my dogs.

Afraid I would be telling her she can’t move in and continue as you are. Has she actually done anything to see if her allergy can be controlled?

the dog was here first and would always take priority for me

OP you seem very concerned on partners reactions, are you sure this is the right thing to do? If she was your person surely she’d understand and be a bit more patient.

Yes, it would sound as going back on your word as that is exactly what it would be.

That said, you can still do it, and how both of you will handle that discussion will tell you a lot.

I don't see how generic "waiting another half a year" would help - the dog causes her huge discomfort and health issues with every visit.

How i understand your posts, the allergy is quite obvious, but she took up an extra assessment to rule out other explanations. You have all information now and need to decide.

I won't be willing to have to take regular medication for the sake of an animal. One of the risks is, that it would work partially, I would still be uncomfortable, but there would be the pressure to try more, wait longer, getting familiar with the pet in the meantime.

This is either or kind of decision. It is absurd how many people would willingly compromise health of their human partner. If you are one of them, tell her.

Handy that your self proclaimed OCD girlfriend has suddenly decided that she’s allergic to dogs and dust.

Where did she go for the tests? Did you see the results yourself?

A lot to consider here although I will say some people are being a little nasty. She pops anti histamines constantly when she’s here. They don’t help. She didn’t know she was allergic beforehand as she is never around dogs and doesn’t know anyone who has one. I understand the length of our relationship is cause for concern but we are both genuinely so happy together apart from this one issue. They say when you know you really know and I do but this situation is quite difficult and I’m trying to do right by everyone involved. I also don’t think it’s insane to want to prioritise a potential life partner over a (beloved) pet. She can’t help being allergic so I’m trying to be sympathetic

And yes I’ve seen the test result

Ok well if antihistamines don’t work, she can pay for injections or therapy to reduce the allergy. If she loved you that much she would do anything to help you keep the dog.

What she shouldn’t be doing is telling you to get rid of your pet that you love.

As you love her, you can also do a lot to mitigate the allergy:

• install hard flooring
• deep clean the house
• train the dog not to go in the bedroom or sofa / have a blanket for the dog on a specific chair
• even changing your dog’s diet could make a difference

Better hurry up and bin off your poor dog, then.

Poor thing.

It is absurd how many people would willingly compromise health of their human partner.

It would be if that were the case. I wouldn’t personally begin a relationship that was incompatible with my dog. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Don’t ditch your dog for a woman you’ve only known for a few months. HUGE blazing red flag and alarm bells that she is reluctant to wait longer than June to move in. You should date for another year. If she’s serious about you then she’d happily wait another year to move in.

Ok well if antihistamines don’t work, she can pay for injections or therapy to reduce the allergy. If she loved you that much she would do anything to help you keep the dog

Even if you pay, they will only do it for people who’ve developed allergies as part of working with animals. Vets, assistants etc. And it costs a fortune. I’ve looked into it so many times. And it needs repeating every few years to keep the effect.

Ok, so you ask people if you are being unreasonable and the majority of people are sticking up for you and saying that you are not being unreasonable and you are now saying they are being nasty.

If you get a dog then it is for life not just until you meet someone you think may be more important than the dog. If you girlfriend really is the person that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with then she should be nice enough to understand that you come with a dog.

When I got with my ex he had two cats, when we started living together I would break out in hives, my eyes would water, I would sneeze and cough because of the cats. I had never been around cats before (my parents had dogs when I was younger). But I never even considered asking him to get rid of them. I just dealt with it. Then one day about 6 months later I noticed that I hadn't had any symptoms for a few days and I didn't have any more again. I think my body just got used to living with the cats and the allergy went away on its own.

Okay so what did your family member say when you approached them about rehoming?

If you still haven't done that, then you need to be honest with yourself. This isn't some tragic insoluble situation.

How old is the dog?

Well if she's the one for you, and you for her, she'll appreciate this must be difficult for you and back off a bit won't she? There's no rush and she will of course understand you want to do right by the dog.

If not then I'm afraid it sounds to me like you're in for a bit of a rough future. I hope you have some decent friends/family looking out for you.

"If she loved he that much" is emotional blackmail. The feelings don't change anything on her health.

They are a year into the relationship and the OP already agreed to re-home the dog, as it is causing her problems despite her reasonable effort with antihistamines.

All those nice suggestions like hard flooring - if it doesn't work, what should happen after that? How long does she need to suffer to tick she tried enough to rehome?

I know full well what a dog is.
I don’t have a dog no, I know many people who have them though and they offer companionship in many cases.
Getting a dog and then rehoming because the potential live-in partner has a mild-allergy isn’t generally the done thing, they are still companion animals and experience stress related symptoms when leaving their owners or being rehomed.
I don’t think most people expect their partners to give up their pets that they’ve had for years for allergy related reasons.

OK fine. Get rid of the dog then.

It's not something I'd ever do but then I only like partners that love animals, the more the merrier.

She’s never been in contact with a dog, or people who have dogs in her entire life?
It’s clear you’ve made your mind up, so the next best thing is contacting your family members who can help.
Are you planning on replacing all carpets too?
What will happen when you and your gf visit your family member with the dog, will she stay at home every time?
What if you have friends who have a dog and invite you both over?

I think the reason people are concerned about the length of the relationship is because OBVIOUSLY you're going to think everything's perfect apart from this one issue - you're still in the honeymoon phase! It may seem harsh but you actually don't know her very well at all yet. Everything so far has been best foot forward. You most likely haven't been through close to enough together to claim her as your 'life partner'

And now, rather than being sympathetic about you having to lose a beloved pet, she's becoming impatient and essentially stomping her feet. As a PP has said, a lot of people would consider the dog to be a part of the family and their allergies an issue to deal with - it can be done, as detailed here.
The dog is essentially just a nuisance to her and that's worrying when you love the dog - I could never in good conscience force someone to re-home a pet they loved. She's showing a lack of flexibility and essentially wanting all her own way - it doesn't speak a whole lot to her character, or her consideration of your feelings and the defenseless animal at the center of this. The fact you're reluctant, perhaps fearful, to discuss potential solutions with her says a lot. It appears you're not even able to have frank conversations

Please don't re-home your pet for a person you've known less than a year

Sorry for me I wouldn't rehome my dog , 4 years it's been by your side , I mean your partner is already on your case about dusting and house standards already and you're not even living together how sure are you that you actually will
Be compatible living together ?
Anyway regardless of all that , personally I would never choose a potential partner over my dogs , people come and go In my life experience

If you still haven't done that, then you need to be honest with yourself. This isn't some tragic insoluble situation

This. You say you’ve made up your mind, so you just need to get on with it. What do you think's going to change if you leave it longer? If this is what you have decided to do, just ask the family member and take it from there.

And all of that is fine, but if she loves you just as much why is she pressuring you to make this huge life decision by June? Why isn’t she being sympathetic to your situation @CanineConundrum? you’re being understanding of her yet there is nothing in your posts that she is giving you the same care. That’s the issue here. Don’t doubt she has severe allergies and OCD and it’s hard for her, but she is not understanding that getting rid of a dog is a huge deal and this is hard for you. That’s the red flag. Why can’t she wait a bit longer for you? Why is she crying and saying it has to be done next month?

Sorry OP, but if what you’re saying is correct she doesn’t sound like a supportive partner at all.