Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

My dog is pollen allergic. I get her monthly injections during certain times of high pollen. OTC tablets don’t work.

Getting into a relationship with someone who already has a pet is also avoidable.

I know some people just don't get it about OCD. And I'm probably a bit bored and keep coming back for a nosey at this thread because my son (who has OCD) is off school today. But if someone has what manifests as 'mild' OCD, it either

• isn't OCD at all (just personal idiosyncrasies)

• is in its early stages and will inevitably become a tsunami of uncontrollable symptoms (unless diagnosed and intervention happens quickly)

• is diagnosed but heavily managed with medication and/or anxiety controlling techniques.

There is no such thing as mild OCD. You have it or you don't. It is shite. It really is. And you can't BE OCD. How can you be Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

This has been a real bugbear of mine for many years. Can you tell?!

Op are you not at all concerned at this clear lack of empathy/care from your girlfriend towards you and the dog? Why all the pressure shes been your girlfriend for a year, I've got biscuits in my cupboard that are longer dated than that!

I wish I hadn't read this. Poor dog, it's made me want to cry. The bond a dog has with it's owner isn't something you should ever break let alone willingly.

I’d end the relationship. I certainly would not purchase a home or move in together without this partner spending long periods of time at your home so you can actually crack the veneer and see how bad their obsessive cleaning etc will be. I have OCD and it is horrendous to deal with, for me and when uncontrolled for my partner. Unless she is in counseling/on medication and actively trying to get better then I wouldn’t continue pursuing anything. It’s an illness but a treatable one. Unless you’re saying ocd but actually don’t mean ocd at all, in which case that’s extremely offensive to anyone who actually deals with ocd. Someone wanting a clean home is not ocd. I wouldn’t rehome my dog but then I’d have ended the relationship when I knew this person wasn’t a fan of my dog and complaining about it.

I'm allergic to cats, but I was determined to have them as pets thirty 20 odd years ago. I just seemed to adjust and the allergy disappeared. I'm careful not to get cat fur near my eyes, as that's what sets it off.

I don't even like dogs, and would certainly let one into my home, and I say keep the dog and ditch the girlfriend.

*certainly NEVER let one into my home.

(This site so needs an edit button).

I actually think if you were absolutely serious and committed to being together and there was a bad allergy you would have already re-homed. I have had to do exactly this and it was the right decision but then I wouldn't prioritise a relationship with a pet over a relationship with another person.

However, the fact that you are prevaricating suggests that you might be unsure about the longevity of the relationship/your suitability and moving forward. Perhaps the best solution is to delay moving in for a while or for your GF to move in and try with anti-histamines, a better cleaning regime, dog just downstairs/a dog-free cleaner room etc. etc. Then you might discover it is possible to keep the dog and/or that your relationship is or isn't for the long term without the heartache of losing your dog right now.

I’m also pretty disgusted at your attitude towards your dog. How can you just not care? My dog is bonded so tightly with me that sending her to family permanently would put her in extreme distress. For those saying well what if I had a partner with allergies, well I do have allergies myself but I manage them. I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with anyone not wanting to one day live with my dog. We are a package deal. Anyone I’ve known with a true pet allergy knows about it instantly. I find so many red flags are popping up in ops story. I have a cat allergy and always have, so I wouldn’t date someone that has cats unless I was willing to take medicine. You were both selfish for pursuing this.

I wouldnt be having my gf of under a year move in if it meant having to rehome my dog and never getting a dog again unless we broke up.
I would be waiting for at least the 3 or 4 year mark

Personally I'd keep the dog and get rid of the girlfriend. Even if you get rid of the dog, she still has dust and other allergies, so to some extent getting rid of the dog will be for nothing.

Your dog is for life and with the greatest of respect, I doubt the relationship will last that long.

Even if you don’t like dogs or don’t understand why someone isn’t binning off their much loved pet for a girlfriend of a year, surely you can understand that it’s not on for a relatively new partner to start making demands and ultimatums? This could be about anything. It’s me or your football, it’s me or your vegetarianism, it’s me or staying in a location I don’t like, it’s me or your children.

yes, the allergies are unavoidable but she went into a relationship with a dog owner and rather than being understanding about what a difficult position OP is in and being accommodating of that and why moving in maybe can’t meet her ideal deadline, she’s apparently doubled down and started with the emotional manipulation. If she loves him then she’d want him to be happy and for them to work through this together which may look like living apart for longer or trying other solutions to mitigate her allergies before resorting to rehoming, and being understanding that this isn’t easy. I’m allergic to cats but if I dated someone with a cat I wouldn’t dream of demanding they rehome it! Similarly I’m a vegetarian, but if I embarked on a relationship with a butcher I wouldn’t start demanding they find a new career. She doesn’t seem to be making any compromises or allowances here.

She’s already frustrated by the lack of progress.

Alarm bells ringing here. I can't put my finger on why, but they are. Why is she so desperate to move in?

I think you just need to make a decision either way and be upfront with her. I don't particularly love the idea of getting rid of a dog to make way for a new girlfriend but you are stringing her along right now so I can understand her frustration. Either tell her you're keeping the dog and it's over or that you're rehoming the dog and she can move in.

Why is she in such a rush to move in?

get your house deep cleaned by professionals, properly cleaned, walls & carpets washed etc then invest in a GOOD hoover & steam mop. train your dog not to get on the soft furnishings (sofas, bed etc) and buy it a lovely dog bed which can be washed (laundromat if you need a big bed)

keep on top of keeping your dog clean & free of loose hair (brush daily outside).

you may find it's the residual stuff bothering her, not your fresh dog!

Then she can stay long weekends, for a week etc & build up resistance. I'm allergic to both cats & dogs, but have always had one or the other (& both) and pet sit for many people & it's fine unless I rub my eyes.

obviously some people are more severely allergic, but not necessarily.

she can take antihistamine while she sees how a much cleaner house & dog helps.

She sounds insecure & bossy though. You need to open your eyes, you cannot know if she's 'your person' it's been less than a year & you haven't lived together . I hope you're as young as you sound, else it's even more worrying.

what compromises is she making?

she WFH, but that doesn't mean she has to work from your actual home library/cafe etc. or maybe she can work from one room the dog doesn't go in.

Couldn’t rehome my dog.

I can't believe you'd consider rehoming your dog for someone you've known less than a year. God I hope you are a troll.

Do not rehome the dog. You will regret it.
You don't want to - that much is clear in your posts.
It's got red flags all over it to be honest.
I think you aren't compatible.
Tell her you want to delay moving in and spend time thinking about what you really want. I think you aren't sure about the relationship.
However, she does need a clear answer fairly soon because if you feel you will never be able to rehome the dog she needs to be free to move on and meet someone else. who doesn't have a dog and has a squeaky clean home which suits her needs better

Dear OP, ditch that inconsiderate person, she clearly cares only about herself, you've been with her for only UNDER a year, your dog been with you for 4 yrs. She also gets frustrated with your 'lack of progress' ? She can't wait to move ?? Wtf, you're looking to rehome your dog of 4 yrs who been with you through good and bad, to accommodate a selfish person who clearly doesn't even think about your feelings of giving up your dog, do you really want a life with someone like that ??? Seriously? She's been with you under year she knew what she's going for, she knew you've got a dog and now she's having a hissy fit because you're not getting rid of dog soon enough !!
Seriously you need to rethink your values, you sound like genuine good person whilst she sounds very self entitled selfish person who doesn't consider anyone or anything else other than herself and her new found allergies. Wonder what she will be like after marriage...

My brother in law and my sister both got kids and cats, when they got together he knew her love for pets, he knew she had one pet already, only later they found out he's very allergic, BUT, he's constantly on antihistamines, and they since got 2 more cats, it's their family, them both, 3 children and cats ...

Also, sometimes ago I was in relationship, he visited, but we didn't intend to move in together yet, I got myself a cat, I loved the cat so much, but then he decided he's allergic, sadly he made me give my cat away, I was heartbroken, he wasn't visiting very often to suffer allergy even at the start, but I cared, and I didn't have enough backbone to stand up for what right for me, So that was one of my BIGGEST mistakes, I gave my cat up, I broke my heart for person who didn't even consider my feelings, most probably cat cared about me more than that person.. Thankfully we split up few months after !

Seriously, think properly about what important to you ! And don't let someone that just entered your life to manipulate you into giving away what you care about!!!

I'm very allergic to dogs, and some of the suggestions from other posters are ridiculous. Don't you think if there was a magic cure for serious allergies, no one would have any allergies? I actually love dogs, and I find it heartbreaking that I can't have one as a pet. I don't choose to stay allergic!

If she's allergic, she's allergic. Fact. She cannot live with your dog. You have to accept that point and move forward.

What does that leave? Well, either 1) you rehome the dog, or 2) you don't live together.

Let's be honest: you don't want to rehome the dog. You've done naff all on this front because you don't want to do it. Even if you're unwilling to admit that out loud, your subconscious knows it. What you've done wrong here is not failing to make arrangements to find a new home for your dog; it's having agreed to do that in the first place. You shouldn't commit to doing things you won't follow through on.

OK, so that leaves not living together.

Why is not living together a dealbreaker? If you are truly each other's forever people, you can adapt to a less traditional way of being in a relationship. Not living together is not the same thing as being long-distance: you can both live near each other. You can get a dogsitter and spend quality time together at her house - and you can contribute to her bills to cover that.

Being blunt, if all goes well, she's going to outlive your dog. You're not saying never, you're just saying not right now, for reasons. It's like a single parent who doesn't want their partner to move in because their child isn't cool with it. If you truly love the other person, you understand they made commitments before they met you, and they have to honour those commitments and find a compromise.

Personally, I think the fact you are terrified of losing her if you don't rehome your dog and move in quickly shows that you know she isn't your forever person. A forever person wouldn't expect you to get rid of a loved one to make space for them.

There are things you can do to lessen the allergies. I'd personally be exploring that rather than ask someone I loved to give up a much loved pet. It's very different to someone who has bought/adopted then found out they had allergies IMO.

My husband is allergic to cats and had lived with dogs but never a cat. I love cats. He spent time with them to see how bad things were before we committed to one. He was fine after a while. He's not had any problems for the 20 years we've had cats or dogs but if he had I know he would have been trying everything to mitigate it so we could enjoy the company of cats as well as dogs.

I am not making light of allergies btw. Just alarm bells as I'd not ask someone I love to give up something they love without exhausting all avenues first and that includes a less traditional set up.

I am sorry but expecting you to rehome your dog that you have had for 4 years is completely unreasonable. You and the dog come as a package deal and it is up to your girlfriend to accept that. If she is allergic to dogs then she should either not get into a relationship with someone who owns a dog or she should see a doctor to find out what steps she can take to manage her allergies. She shouldn't be asking you to get rid of the dog when you had him long before you got into a relationship with her. If she can't manage her allergy then it is up to her to find somewhere else to live.