Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

Can I just say that dh and I married when we had known each other 11 months and are still together 23 years later. Sometimes you do know.

But I find all the people saying - why can't she take anti-histamines really unreasonable. It is not reasonable to expect someone to go onto permament medication to manage a condition which can stop them breathing.

If they do stay together, then the dog has to go.

The question is whether or not she is worth it. Only the OP can say if she is worth it and how much he/she is willing to chaneg their life for her.
I wouldn't be willing to face a petless future. But OP may be fine with that.

I agree. You are being pushed here, for no reason. She lives at home. She’d be better off buying her own house and having her own asset anyway. Not only that, it’s been less than a year.

If you’re determined to go down this road though, can a family member have your dog temporarily, on a trial basis? And then if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t lost your dog for nothing.

Big warning signs here. A girlfriend not able to take antihistamines or whatever - imagine taking children out to places where there are animals, other kids' houses etc. After only a year you're still in the 'honeymoon' period ... can you leave it a while longer? Your family could rehome your dog - if the dog is inconvenient to you and you're happy to rehome it then why wouldn't they do the same? If you rehome dog and gf moves in then I think you will end up resenting her. If you are going to rehome the dog then - particularly if it's a pedigree - then breed rescue will probably have a waiting list for people desperate for that breed of dog to welcome into their homes & lives. This message sounds harsh but not intended to be - I wish you all well.

Yes, the OP has asked the partner to move in so that they can begin their life together. The OP can easily rehome this pet [key word]. The partner deserves to know where she stands so she doesn't waste any more time on this relationship.

I’m not saying she doesn’t have an allergy, I’m saying the allergy is possibly being used to disguise her OCD. The dog was there first, pets aren’t disposable, imagine if everyone thought they were? Dogs don’t just care about being fed, they are very loyal to their owners and provide companionship. Your comment about animals being gross is just your opinion, it doesn’t mean animals are gross.

“Easily rehome” is an assumption, and why should the dog lose his home because of this girlfriend?

It’s a bit baffling that she didn’t mention the allergy to you when you met, knowing full well you had a dog. Does that also mean she never goes to your house?

Well no, OP has said there are family members who can take the dog? Look, I won't argue about how a life partner differs from a pet. Just if the partner is being ducked around because OP would rather remain single with a dog, the the partner deserves to know that.

The OP can easily rehome this pet

Its exactly this kind of nasty attitude that shows clearly why we have so many abandoned pets in the UK.

You've been together less than a year so this is all moving really quickly. How much time have you actually spent together in these few months? You say you know she's the one, but have you been through difficult times together as well as good? How do you both resolve disagreements?

You are still in the romantic honeymoon stage, so ease off the throttle RE giving up your dog for her. You also said "she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)" which is a very common source of conflict in relationships (just read some of the many posts on here about mismatched attitudes to domestic chores or cleanliness!)

But I do think you're being unfair on her for not making a decision. Make your mind up and take action, even if that is to say you're not ready to give up the dog. I suspect although you think she's the one, your sensible side does think it's all a bit too much too soon.

I can tell who I’d like to be friends with on this thread, and who I really, really wouldn’t.

We have a large dog and my husband is also allergic. He takes daily antihistamines and I hoover ALOT. The dog stays downstairs where there are laminate floors and easy to clean. Are these not options since you've said you're relaxed with cleaning? I think keeping on top of the hair and dust would be a good first step before jumping into rehoming the poor dog

I'm curious, I'm not someone who could live with a dog. If I were with a guy who owned a dog, and he knew this about me, and he said, "No it's cool, I'll rehome the dog with family, I want you to move in." Should I not take him seriously?

A dog is for life.

Perhaps not starting a relationship with a dog owner would be more sensible.

Also just to say he becomes less alergic when he is around the dog more, if we've been on holiday for example, when we get home his allergies are worse for a few days until he gets used to being around him again

Except the OP has literally mentioned family member and friend who can take the dog?

So no, I shouldn't take him seriously?

Or maybe just live separately until the dog dies (sorry).

You sound adamant that you want to prioritise your relationship which I think is fair enough, in which case she's right, you need to crack on. If it's happening in June you need to get a move on.

The fact you think family would be willing sounds a great solution to me. You'd still get to see the dog and know they were well cared for.

I think you should see it as a red flag that he’s not a caring person.

I’d not want anything to do with a man willing to dump a dog for a live-in shag.

"May be a little alarming but we both know we are each others person for life."
and also
"...but if we did end up breaking up I could at least visit my dog"

So which is it? How are you able to break up with your "person for life"??

I think you need to give it another six months, minimum. If she loves you, she'll wait. If she doesn't want to wait, then that tells you what you need.

That poor dog.

Ditch the girlfriend, not the dog. You've been with her less than a year and she's itching at the prospect of moving in with you because she lives with family so of course she's upset at the lack of progress.

No. Just no.

It's not only this dog. If you stay together it sounds like you will never be able to have a dog in the future and nor, if you have them, will your children growing up. Make sure you truly feel ok with that before moving forward.

It says she has a mild allergy , so the piriton suggestion is reasonable .
what is unreasonable is that she expects someone to give up their pet for her