Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

Don’t get a dog if this is how easily you’ll give them up. Ffs people.

The answer is hell no .

You have no idea that this relationship will even work out , I’m sorry but you can’t be so sure
and for her to expect you to do this , in the first place, it’s a red flag to me
I would never want someone to re home their pet for my convenience !

if she’s mildly allergic she can take allergy medications for that , and you can reduce symptoms by lots of hoovering and cleaning

im allergic to my own cat and it’s perfectly managed with cleaning routines and piriton , also keep his fur groomed

please please do not rehome your dog, you will likely regret it , listen to your heart

She can take meds to see if they work.. I wouldn't get rid of a hamster for a new partner let alone my dogs and cats. You need to try out all options first. Also seems like not liking the dog is an issue.

Your partner has been up-front with you. She doesn't have psychological issues or whatever crazy theories people are putting forward here. She is just not someone who can live with a dog. That's normal.

It looks like you've told her, "No problem, I'll rehome". And now you're dragging your feet.

It means that either you have cold feet about her moving in and are using the dog as an excuse...or you genuinely are prioritising a pet over a life partner. In either case, you need to tell her so she can stop wasting her time.

I was brought up with cats and was ok as a child but when I was in my 20’s I adopted a cat, I have asthma and started to wheeze around her, I took allergy tablets for 6 weeks and the symptoms started easing, I had no further issues but still have hay fever (I assume because it’s a seasonal thing). A lot of allergies don’t last forever, I’m not saying that’s the case with everyone.

Mine just got worse. I can’t be around an animal for longer than 5 minutes☹️

@CanineConundrum

You haven't said - has she actually tried going to the dr and getting some anti-histamines? It's game-changing...
That, a hepa-filter and better cleaning regime (get a cleaner if you can afford it between you)

If you love the dog, you should try these things because what if you rehome him/her with family and their circumstances change?

They could end up rehoming your dog, and putting it in a shelter. And you won't really be in a position to complain.

If she won't try any solutions, and won't address her OCD* in the same way you address your cleanliness, then you have bigger problems.

*I don't say that lightly, I know it is a tough thing to address.

You really don't know you're each other's person for life, especially as your cleanliness levels and love for animals is not matched. You don't know each other fully yet, and you won't until you've lived together for a while. You may not be compatible when living in close quarters, you don't know this yet. I just wouldn't rehome my pet for someone I've been with under a year! In fact I wouldn't rehome my pet for anyone. You do tend to get used to the dog you live with. I used to have asthma attacks at people's houses who had pets, but when I lived with a man who had a dog - I took allergy medicine every day because I'd never dream of asking him to rehome his beloved pet - and eventually, even with a severe allergy, I stopped needing it. She's not even trying, it's you who has to make the sacrifices - and it is a huge one. You won't get your dog back if things don't ultimately work out and you just can't possibly know that yet.

Is this a reverse?

OP, Mumsnet is full of "fur baby" parents who think animals come before humans in all situations. The kind that would make their child move out before their dog.

For what it's worth, I moved in with DH after we had been together less than a year and we're still together 17 years and two children later. So I don't think you're rushing into anything. You clearly love your partner.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about your concerns. Perhaps get her to try antihistamines with you making a huge effort to clean and see how that goes with her staying over. In the meantime, you could have some initial conversations with friends and family about rehoming just to see what options are available to you. At the moment you're sticking your head in the sand and not doing anything about it, which isn't helping.

How could the allergies be used as an excuse when OP has said she has witnessed her partners allergic reactions in person? Or are we only taking the poor doggo's feelings into consideration? Dogs only care about being fed, let's face it. Whatever anthropomorphism you try to force upon an animal is fruitless. It is still an animal. And a gross one at that.

Jesus, calm down. It was just an example that it is possible to get rid of allergy and maybe they didn't give it a try? Gotta love mumsnet and those overreactions.

OP, Mumsnet is full of "fur baby" parents who think animals come before humans in all situations. The kind that would make their child move out before their dog.

Well, I do believe a dog should come before the demands (based on no urgency at all, she lives at home) of a girlfriend on under a year.

Your partner needs understand you have made a commitment to your dog before she was on scene. She need to meet you half.

she needs to get on strong antihistamines.
you need to get a better vacuum with (hepa) and a air filter in your home (hepa again ) a good cost £300-£400.

increasing your grooming routine. More baths, brushing everyday. Use grooming spray .

I

How dare you? How dare you have a medical issue that means you cannot possibly put a dog over your physical health? How utterly selfish! You must be unfeeling, uncaring and simply selfish.

(Or so the mumsnet dog extremists would have you believe)

even if its only been a year - then if you are not going to rehome the dog, then she may as well give up dating you now.

I would NOT live with a man with a dog as i don't like dogs- and she will be working from home so the dog will be there 24/7. To be fair i would not DATE a man with a dog so it would not be an issue.

so doing a wait and see is pointless for both sides - it will just make it harder to break up.

Get rid of her. You clearly don't want to rehome your dog so you're not compatible.

This. From what you've said about the dust/ocd, and other ways you'll both live differently that you won't even have discovered or realised yet, there's a chance (i feel awful saying there's a 'good' chance!) this won't work out, and you'll have given up your dog for nothing.

Could you put it to your family that you want them to foster your dog temporarily until you see how it goes with her? This might mentally feel better for you, that is not giving your dog up forever, just temporarily. Be a good stepping stone to help you along with mental process of "getting rid" of your dog.

The other thing to realise is, you're going to be squirming having that conversation with your family WHENEVER it happens, so delaying isn't having any positive benefit, and only having a negative effect by upsetting your girlfriend.

Very good points. I tend to agree sadly. This puts me in mind of someone I used to know, who feigned allergies to dogs - my dog. Not that I’m suggesting this is the case. They then got a (shedding) dog a few years later. People can be weird and incredibly controlling. This person is very controlling and being allergic to my dog was part of the control. The only symptoms were an occasional cough btw, which is different to your gf. But the controlling signs are there. They also tried very hard to alienate their partner from family and friends.

I would not rehome the dog. No way.

Its not just about this dog, but basic incompatibility. My husband and I don’t mind a bit of dust, love dogs (we have three) and a more free and easy approach to life. You sound similar. Your girlfriend however sounds anything but having OCD. The idea of living with her and that doesn’t sound too bad at the moment, but it will be. And you’ll have given up your beloved dog for her, which is a sacrifice I certainly wouldn’t make.

There are more fish in the sea, ones who will hug your dog and go to the pub rather than clean obsessively.

”Life partner” OP has known less than a year. Dog owned and loved much longer.

She doesn't have psychological issues or whatever crazy theories people are putting forward here

She has OCD - a mental health condition that will greatly impact her life and those of everyone around her.

This. There’s a reason you’re dragging your feet. Listen to your gut.

Love me, love my dog. I wouldn't be with anyone that didn't tolerate my pooch.

This in spades.
Your lifestyles don't seem to be compatible and it seems you are expected to make all the compromises.
I don't think there should be this kind of pressure so early in the relationship and I'd be inclined to put the moving in project on hold for a while and continue to get to know each other.
If she really loves and sees a future with you, she'll wait and be willing to make compromises herself.

On no account would I even consider traumatizing your dog and risking an uncertain future for him, all for a relationship that may not go the distance.

I hope it works out for you, if not it'll be your loyal dog that will be a great source of comfort to you.