Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

[CanineConundrum]

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

No way would I rehome my dog. I'd try and put other things in place to mitigate- wooden/ tiled floors, leather sofas, air purifier, better cleaning regime alongside taking anti histamines. It's more likely that your dp isn't an animal lover and wants a pristine house.

I cannot believe you are contemplating re homing you beloved dog, for someone you have known for less than a year !! Horrendous, please re consider. She can take medication for her allergies !

Dog was there first. Get a new GF. I wouldn't have even dated someone who wasn't 'pet friendly', be it by allergy or simply not being an animal person.

You've only been together a year. What's all this rush? Why is she pushing to move in in June? I don't like the sound of this. Don't see why you can't continue to live separately.
How old is the dog and how long does that type of dog live? You could live separately until the dog dies.
I wouldn't rehome a pet for a partner. Maybe I sound a bit crazy but I just wouldn't - especially not since I've had bad experiences with my last two long-term partners and if I'd rehomed my pets for them it would have been even worse.

Starts with the dog,

Then the dust.

Then the bedding.

Then the carpets.

Then the "area"

Control.

when I met my now dh he had a dog. I have an allergy to animal hair and after one night staying over I ended up inA&E as my windpipe had started to close and breathing was getting difficullt and my face was all swollen. Thankfully was well enough to leave later that day but I’d never expect dh to get rid of his dog. Though swelling took quite a few days to reduce

he deep cleaned his bedroom and dog wasn’t allowed in there which made visiting him easier. He still lived at home so couldn’t expect the same for the rest of the house.

Wow! That is amazing. It HAS to be the case for everyone as it worked for you. Doesn't it ... ?

DP developed dog/cat allergies in his mid twenties (around the same time he was diagnosed with asthma). He's in his fifties now and is still waiting for his immune system to 'calm down'. I would have brought a couple of cats into the house, but I preferred him alive ... most of the time.

We are all different. Trying to test if someone's allergies are serious or if they can be lessened through gradual exposure is a risky strategy.

Seriously? Run, don't walk. But before you run, check out The Freedom Programme. I think you might recognise your girlfriend as one of the types.

Three red flags: first one is that you're completely certain she's 'the one' after a relatively short period of time. That sounds rather like you've been love-bombed. Second one is that she's homed in on the dog as something emotionally important to you and wants you to get rid of it. Third is that she's getting teary when she's wanting you to make the emotional sacrifice.

She's testing how controllable you are. From what you've said here, this doesn't sound like a good relationship to take forward.

If you ask a relative to take the dog, the next stage will be that you can't visit that relative because of the dog. The hairs will be on you when you come back. Then it'll be 'too dusty' for the relatives who don't have the dog. She'll separate you from your dog, your family, your friends ...

At some level you know this. That's why you're so uncomfortable. She's going to make your life revolve around her needs - and she's going to completely ignore your needs.

Like, I said - run.

I’m not sure if she’d be happy/willing to wait another 6 months after we agreed June. She’s already frustrated by the lack of progress. Her allergies are quite bad so managing the symptoms isn’t a possibility as I think the irritant would need to be completely removed unfortunately. She works from home so being around the dog constantly is a lot to ask when it causes an allergic reaction

So you've known her under a year, she's not only moving into your home but she will use it as a work place, and she's showing little or no sympathy about you rehoming your dog. Fuck that.

I'd sit down with her and have a very serious conversation about why you're finding this so difficult. A dog is a dependant. So you're being asked to break the trust this dependant has in you to look after them. And once the dog's rehomed, there's realistically no saying where they'll end up. That your girlfriend can't see this, and how heartbreaking it is for you, should give you major cause for concern. I'm not sure you're compatible if her response to this is to push you further and get frustrated with you. I'd understand if she was a tenant who'd given notice, but you say she's living with a relative.

It doesn't sound to me like you're each other's forever person. It sounds like you tick various boxes for her, maybe she's in her 30s and feels like she needs to settle down now. Maybe you also feel some time pressure. And it would all be OK if not for the dog. Except the dog is there and her lack of understanding of your situation makes me wonder how suited you are to each other.

Why can't she take medication for it?

Jesus, keep the dog, lose the GF. What’s the rush? You barely know each other, she’s already making huge demands on you and putting you under pressure. This is a walking red flag. Your dog trusts you. You’ve been his life and constant for the last 4 years and you’re prepared to ditch it for someone you barely know?

Can’t you get a good stick vacuum. Vacuum every day, regular grooming/washing of dog and a daily brush outside? How do you know the dust and hair in your house isn’t more of a problem than the dog itself

it would not sit easy with me someone who is putting pressure on you to rehome a loved pet after a 12month relationship. What else will they ask of you?

I can see both sides to this.

from her point of view, she thinks you are not serious about the commitment to move in together. You promised to 'get ready' for her and you haven't.
But she has no idea what she is asking, to her it is like - get rid of that old sofa before I move in. She doesn't seem to understand the enormity of what she is asking.

She is obviously not an animal person. Not only the allergies (and I actually think it is really unreasonable to expect someone to use antihistamines every day due to something that can be removed). But she doesn't seem to understand the importance of your dog and why it would be hard for you to rehome.

I have a dog and a cat. I would struggle to rehome for the sake of a partner, but for slightly different reasons than others have said.
I am not of the 'fur baby' persuasion, but I really like sharing my home with animals. I would find it hard to look at a long term future which never had any animals in it. I am not sure if it would be a deal breaker for the whole relationship, but it certainly would make me think twice.

So I would say take a step back and think

1. do I want a future with NO pets? Am I prepared to do that for this woman? If this relationship lasts is that something I can deal with?
2. Sit down with her and explain that this is a much bigger thing for you than just getting rid of the dog. This is a BIG ask, and she needs to know the extent of what she is asking. At the moment you are not ready to make that decision, and that you need more time.

Don't be pressured into putting a date on it at the moment. Reassure her that you are serious about her, but that you need more time. If she really loves you, she will try and understand. If she really loves you she will appreciate the honesty and talk through what it means to you.

You can show her that you are serious about her needs by doing a deep clean, keeping on top of dust and dog hair etc.

If she walks away due to this then I think you have your answer

@curtaintwitcher23 Of course re homing a beloved dog would be huge but there's no indication the gf doesn't appreciate and understand that, it's an action the OP has agreed to for the human being and potential life partner he loves and cares for

The clear indication that the gf has no appreciation and understanding is the fact that she hasn't been with him a year yet, but the OP fears that if he doesn't hit her deadline of June she will dump him. Seems like a pretty big indicator to me that she lacks totally empathy.

Or maybe the OP lacks empathy for his partners health needs?

Or to be fair, I should say "their" partners health needs seeing as there is no obvious gender here.

@CanineConundrum If she has OCD it’s more likely she doesn’t like the mess they create and the allergy is just an excuse, lots of people have allergies to pets and still have them, the immune system often adapts to it over time, there are ways you can make things easier, more cleaning, hard flooring and limiting the dog to the downstairs area. It sounds like you don’t want to try that though. Poor dog!

You need to stop going around and around the arguments in your head and actually talk to your family. You won’t know whether there’s a good solution until you start telling people there is a problem. Your GF is reasonable to be frustrated that you’ve said you’ll make a plan and you haven’t even started doing anything. If you are serious about her, you have to prioritise her over the dog.

@artimesiasfootsteps they are also both allergic to dogs as well, and no amount of adjusting will let them live with it. We can tell if someone has had a dog on the train seat (which urgh anyway!) it’s that bad. Sheep too (but we aren’t planning on keeping any as pets 😁)

@mumoffourgs He is thinking about it and trying to sort something out, which clearly shows that he doesn't lack empathy. She doesn't live with him right now, her health is not in danger. She does not need to live with him in June, she has no deadline. But she can't give him time to rehome a much loved pet? If she had any understanding at all she would be acknowledging that it's a bloody big ask and would want him to go about it properly to ensure the dog ends up with a forever home, not just shoved onto a relative. These things take time, which is something she is not giving him.

And then of course, because of her health needs, OP is going to need to replace the flooring, the furnishings and basically everything the dog has ever been on.......and it will go on and on and on. All by June. Yeah, she sounds like a peach.

No way would I rehome one of my animals for someone I had been dating for less than a year (or 2 years). She sounds fussy. Living with someone who is OCD about dust and dog hair will just lead to her moaning about other stuff. It doesn’t sound like you are really compatible, you’re an animal lover, she isn’t, she likes a clean house which you are not bothered about. Once she moves in she will find other things she doesn’t like and you will be forced to change those too? How much are you willing to change to keep her?

And I lost my dog 5 years ago and I am still finding her hair around the house.

What test did she do? The only test that is valid is a skin prick test done in a medical setting.

Red flags flapping like billy-o. The Freedom Programme. Fake illnesses. All based on OP's posts. This could only be Mumsnet.

lots of people have allergies to pets and still have them, the immune system often adapts to it over time

They really don’t. A mild allergy may resolve. Itching throat and wheezing are major allergy signs.