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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
Stressyfab · 19/04/2023 08:55

Chasingadvice · 19/04/2023 08:47

'Fur baby' ConfusedGrin

Lady...it's a dog.

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Ok ‘lady’. Dog. Don’t need to be rude, the point still stands regardless!

Chasingadvice · 19/04/2023 08:56

VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 08:27

Dog owners certainly aren't mad. In fact they are happier and healthier than non-dog owners.

Just a little more unhinged and hysterical Wink

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 08:56

curtaintwitcher23 · 19/04/2023 08:41

Thankyou for your realistic and rational response.
The replies to this thread have 'red flagged' me to take a break from MN.

Calling someone whose health is being put at risk, controlling and red flag behaviour seriously wtf.

If she had done a post saying her bf home she was about to move into because they mutually agreed they want to build a future together was affecting her health because of his failure to keep it clean- can you imagine the responses, I can't imagine most would be yelling at her for sounding controlling.

Of course re homing a beloved dog would be huge but there's no indication the gf doesn't appreciate and understand that, it's an action the OP has agreed to for the human being and potential life partner he loves and cares for.

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It’s not the allergies or the rehoming of the dog, it’s the pressure to do it by June, well May actually, with no understanding or compromise. It’s the lack of compatibility and understanding on both their parts that’s the red flag. They’ve been together less than a year, why is she pushing it and crying for it to be sorted by June? He’s getting rid of his dog, not an old carpet. If she loved him then she would be compassionate about the situation and understand that rehoming a loved pet isn’t that easy and it takes time. People saying ‘if you love her get rid of the dog’ if she loves him she would have some understanding of it too and be willing to wait a little longer. That’s the red flag, not the allergies or need to live pet free.

Asiatoyork · 19/04/2023 08:58

But the OP’s clearly doesn’t want to manage being wheezy and taking medication every day.

It’s fine if the OP decides he doesn’t want to give up his dog, and yes maybe they will break up over it. What’s not fine is OP saying to their partner they will do it and then just leaving it with no progress or admitting he doesn’t want to

LookItsMeAgain · 19/04/2023 09:00

Testina · 19/04/2023 08:27

@LookItsMeAgain “You can also get hypoallergenic dogs. I believe the Obama family when they were in the White House had a couple of them. They don't shed and are the perfect pet for a family with allergies”

How does that help the OP with a dilemma about rehoming her actual dog though? The problem isn’t that she’s looking for a swap 🤣

I understood that. I was just suggesting for a future pet if that was something that might be on the cards.

OrigamiOwls · 19/04/2023 09:02

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 05:14

I love my dog dearly but it is in no way comparable to a child. And he would never end up in a shelter as my family wouldn’t let that happen. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. I love my partner and want this to work

So you're willing to rehome your dog, but your certain your family (that you've not actually even asked to have the dog) won't do the same?

Flamingosarepinkpinkpink · 19/04/2023 09:02

My husband is allergic to dogs, we have a dog he takes antihistamines. He has all the symptoms you say your partner has but antihistamines stop this. We would never re home our dog.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/04/2023 09:02

She’s not your person, your person should be able to integrate into your life without you having to make sacrifices like this so early on. You love your dog and she has an allergy. You’re incompatible. There’s more of ‘your people’ out there who aren’t allergic to dogs. I don’t believe in the ‘one.’

artimesiasfootsteps · 19/04/2023 09:02

@Littlegoth I agree re cats. Dogs I could live with just with a lot of adjustments, but cats I am deadly allergic too. A lot of my asthmatic/allergic friends are the same.

ilovesooty · 19/04/2023 09:02

You've hardly known her any time at all. Your dog was there first. She sounds controlling to me.

thenightsky · 19/04/2023 09:03

Toocooltoboogie · 19/04/2023 04:24

Lovelybluesky has a good point. I know someone allergic to cats that took anti histamines which enabled her to live with her partners cat. Over time she didn't need to take them any longer and now has a dog aswell with no problems. Worth a try surely so maybe a chat with a GP is a good idea?

This happened to me too. Allergic to cats, so took antihistamines. Slowly over time I noticed the reaction got less anyway. Within a year I was able to get a dog.

missymousey · 19/04/2023 09:03

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:16

I know under a year May be a little alarming but we both know we are each others person for life. We’ve made plans for the future and this is the only issue in our relationship.

Sorry but you barely know each other. This is the first stressful situation you've been through as a couple and you're already not sure if she will stick around for another six months if you don't do as she says fast enough. Don't move in yet!

LoveSong · 19/04/2023 09:03

Chasingadvice · 19/04/2023 08:50

Dogs aren't children. There are no comparisons despite the weird fixation many people have with their canines.

I didn't realise having an allergy made a person 'cold and uncaring'- what a strange view point.

Show quote history

Dogs are dependent on you and you commit to looking after them if you have one.

A dog you’ve had for years takes priority over a woman you’ve known for under a year. There’s no reason to live together after such a short time, more so when it would mean getting rid of your dog. It’s ridiculous.

It’s not the allergy thsg makes her cold and uncaring. It’s the lack of understanding that this will be difficult, the trying to rush it after such a short relationship etc.

Viviennemary · 19/04/2023 09:06

Just stsy living in separate accommodation. Then you can keep the dog and not split up with your DP.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/04/2023 09:06

Speaking as someone with a severe dog allergy just ‘take an antihistamine’ isn’t going to do anything. My allergy is so severe that anti histamines don’t really touch it. If she has severe allergy then living with the dog won’t really reduce that either.

Cleaning doesn’t really help, or putting it in another room. The allergy molecules are very sticky and hang around for up to 6 months.

Pestispeeved · 19/04/2023 09:08

As someone with allergies and a dog, I ca understand the dilemma of dog or GF.

What I can't understand is why you would rather keep your dust than replace it with your GF.

She could just be allergic to dusty dogs.

Where did you get this test? Pease post details so that I can tell my consultant.

Crazykatie · 19/04/2023 09:08

It would depend on the dog, if I was sure I had found my “soul mate” who was allergic to dogs, then I would rehome the dog. I would put an advert in the local admag “free” to a good home saying why and expect to get a lot of replies.

Then choose the new owner that I thought was most suitable for that dog

I know lots of dog owners that have paid £1000+ for a totally unsuitable dog, and I’m damn sure I can do better than them.

3luckystars · 19/04/2023 09:09

Do you think you could say ‘I am finding it difficult to rehome the dog, could we wait another 6 months and we can talk about it again then as I will have more information’

Moorwoodsriver · 19/04/2023 09:10

You are both in the wrong and are not doing well as a couple in a stressful situation .

I think you should both hold off on moving in together and spending time at yours

You need to clean up your house

Im curious as to how old you both are - you both sound quite young or just intransigent - I’m not sure which

Catsmere · 19/04/2023 09:10

MissAmelia · 19/04/2023 06:21

Worst kind of dog owner, and the cop out of saying the dog isn't comparable with a child is crap. This animal is completely dependent on your and you're willing to get rid of it for a relationship of under a year with a person who has already given you a to do list.
Please never get a pet again after this relationship hits the bin.

Hear, hear.

xogossipgirlxo · 19/04/2023 09:10

Good luck rehoming dog in current climate. It will be a nightmare finding decent home.
I've had mild cat hair allergy, I'm fine. I own two cats now, I get used to it and my immune system calmed down. Before I used to take antihistamines while visiting my husband, as his family had a cat.

anyolddinosaur · 19/04/2023 09:11

Dog owners are definitely mad. Lots saying she doesnt really have an allergy or it could be managed with antihistamines and a bit more cleaning. Totally ignoring that she has unpleasant symptoms whenever she visits - and I really doubt anyone with those symptoms wont already be taking medication to deal with them. Meanwhile the partner is not cleaning, not taking any steps at all to reduce the allergens in their home.

IF the comments had been restricted to "it's a bit soon, why havent you tried cleaning first" it would be different. But cleaning probably is not going to work for an allergy serious enough to make her throat itchy and the GF really ought to stop wasting her time on someone who thinks of the dog as his family and doesnt really want her to be his family.

FannyPhart · 19/04/2023 09:12

I'm sorry. I think I'd be rehoming the girlfriend.

Twiglets1 · 19/04/2023 09:14

I have a cat allergy and couldn't live with a cat so I see your gfs point of view. You need to have that conversation with family fast - what is stopping you? The sooner you get it resolved the sooner you can start to process it and the dog will be fine, you will still be able to visit. Dogs are very adaptable, far more so than people.

mumoffourgs · 19/04/2023 09:15

Some of you are so determined to read things that aren't written that it's wild.

Nowhere has the OP said the partner has made any demands. The OPs partner has clearly been trying to be exposed to the dog, how else would she having reactions? There's no evidence the partner hasn't tried, is making demands, doesn't care, is heartless etc, that's just what a lot of you are assuming because you are blinded by the dog factor. Most people know what they say about assumptions... There is also a massive overuse of red flags in this thread. It's a massive red flag to me that the OP knows they are putting their partner at risk of health complications, and don't care enough to fix it.

What we do have, is the OP stating their house is dusty, and that have not yet fixed that issue, despite knowing it was one of their partners allergens. We have an OP who has committed to rehoming a dog for his partner, after joint discussion (which is how the OP described it) who has delayed her own plans as a result of that promise, and is not doing it, putting their partner in limbo.

So where are the wild assumptions about the OP living in a pigsty of a house? Why aren't posters dragging them about how little effort they've made to accommodate their partners health needs. Why is it only their way or the highway when it comes to rehoming the dog, but not about OP's attempt at forcing their partner to suffer, for the benefit of an them keeping an animal? The only person of which there's any evidence of being unreasonable, is the OP.

Either rehome the dog or don't. But be clear concise and fair either way.