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Original poster

Stressed about rehoming dog as GF is allergic

785 replies

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 03:40

This is likely to be long so apologies in advance. I’d like my DP to move in with me and we said we’d do it around June. Only issue is I have a dog and we’ve recently discovered she’s allergic. She’s also mildly ocd and struggles with the dog hair/smells. I suspected she was allergic but didn’t want to admit it to myself. We’ve discussed rehoming my dog as her allergies are quite bad and she’s also very allergic to dust and my home is a little dusty as I’m more laid back about cleaning (she’s told me this needs to change and I’m actively working on this)

only thing is I’m understandably quite upset at the thought of rehoming my dog. I’ve agreed to do it as I love her and want to marry and start a family with her. I’ve said I could potentially ask family or a friend to take him as then I could visit. I will struggle to rehome him with strangers and this way I can ensure he is ok. The issue is June is basically around the corner and she is frustrated with my lack of progress on the matter.

I haven’t mentioned any of this to family/my friend yet so as it stands we have no idea if they would even be willing to take the dog. They are all animal lovers so I’m sure at least one of them will say yes. I haven’t mentioned it to them as it’s hard for me to think about. My DP understands it’s difficult with me but sees this as me not being proactive as we aren’t really able to plan her moving in until the dog is rehomed. We’ve discussed it many times but end up going In circles and she gets teary as I haven’t really put a plan in place. She suggested rehoming him by the end of May as she will be moving in the following month.

Every time she brings it up I say there’s still things I need to put in place but I struggle to articulate exactly what these things are. The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved. She thinks I’m not prioritising her needs/health as I said I’d move forward with rehoming him but I haven’t actually done anything yet despite me saying I would rehome him a couple of months ago. If I’m being honest I’m afraid of family and friends judging me even though I know they’ll likely understand as she’s allergic. What would you do In this situation? Breaking up isn’t an option as she’s the person I want to be with but I’m struggling with the whole thing if im being honest. Thank you.

OP posts:
VincentVaguer · 19/04/2023 08:27

Dog owners certainly aren't mad. In fact they are happier and healthier than non-dog owners.

MrsMitford3 · 19/04/2023 08:27

I am very concerned at all you are being required to do for a person you have known less than a year.

Your poor dog. TBH I wouldn't think much of a person who would so willingly re-home a dog they had had for four years.
I would admire your loyalty and commitment to an animal that is also for life...

And is the OCD is another way to get things her way?

I feel very concerned for you @CanineConundrum and I would proceed with caution. What will you have to change next?

I agree with a poster above who said if it is for life what's another 6 mos?
Think carefully...

TedMullins · 19/04/2023 08:28

JustLacking · 19/04/2023 08:24

It’s not this for me, I believe she has allergies, it’s just the way she is going about it (according to the OP) that makes me have cause for concern. The fact she won’t wait, it has to be June. The fact that the OP says they want to be together for life but that if the OP doesn’t meet this demand by June she might leave them.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy thing and it’s raises concerns about the relationship to me personally.

Show quote history

Yes this. It’s not the allergies - which I’m sure she does have - it’s her attitude, the demands and lack of empathy. Rehoming a dog isn’t like getting a new carpet, there are emotions involved. And of course he should value a dog he’s had for 4 years more than a partner of less than a year!

Thighlengthboots · 19/04/2023 08:28

Dog owners are mad lol rubbish.

Mad because they wont rehome the dog they made a commitment to care for, for a woman theyve been dating only a year? a woman who is pressuring him to do it quickly and might leave if he doesnt do it by end of May?

Garbage.

Serena73 · 19/04/2023 08:28

I can understand why you are not being proactive, I don't think I could rehome my pets for anyone other than my children.

Under a year isn't a very long time for a relationship and if it doesn't end up working out and you've rehomed your dog you'll end up feeling really bitter about it. If it was me I would wait a bit longer to live together. That's also a good reason why a close family member would be better to rehome as you can still see the dog, or take it back if necessary.

I would tell your girlfriend that you are committed but you want to make sure your dog is in good place where you can still see it and get rid of the June deadline for now. If she is the right person for you she should understand and a few more months won't make any difference.

TheInterceptor · 19/04/2023 08:28

May I ask if you're a same-sex couple? Only because it reminded me of the joke about where do lesbians go on a second date? The estate agents. You're going far too fast. Trust your instincts, which are telling you not to make a permanent decision (rehoming your dog) for what is almost certainly going to be a temporary situation (your relationship).

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 08:33

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:53

@Toocooltoboogie i will mention other steps to her. My concern is it will look like I’m going back on my word.

nothing to be concerned about

If you realise you were wrong to "give your word" then tell her.

Dont hold yourself to a promise that was a mistake, because you are concerned about how it will look! people make mistakes.

GelPens1 · 19/04/2023 08:36

CanineConundrum · 19/04/2023 04:12

So my partner lives with a family member so no lease to break but I understand it’s still a risk for her. I’ve had the dog for 4 years and been with my partner for just under a year.

Don’t move your gf in yet. You barely know her. Keep your dog and live separately for at least another year to see if you’re actually compatible. Also, her dog allergy isn’t moderate or severe if she’s only recently discovered that she’s ‘allergic.’ My eyes water and I sneeze due to hay fever. This sounds like your gf. I just take an antihistamine. It’s different to my other severe allergies which make my lips swell up and my throat close up. She sounds quite manipulative.

Testina · 19/04/2023 08:36

@CanineConundrum “The conversation goes the same way each time and nothing is really resolved.”

This doesn’t bode well for your childish certainty that she’s your “person for life”.
Learn to communicate with each other before living together.

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 08:39

You don't know this woman 5 minutes.

If her allergies are that bad, have you any idea how this is going to impact your life in a shared space?

You aren't big on cleaning and she is going to need a really clean house, way beyond a no dog in the house clean.

Have you any idea of the conflict that is ahead of you?

Likely huge.

You very relaxed about the house.

Her hyper about it because of her allergies.

There is a huge possibility of real conflict every day.

You have a decision of dog or girlfriend.

In your place I would be asking family to step in for a period to see how things go, because I think it is likely this relationship will stumble when you try to live together.

CamoFlamingo · 19/04/2023 08:40

Thighlengthboots · 19/04/2023 08:19

This woman is going to be a nightmare to live with and it has nothing to do with her allergies. She's telling you all about how you have to change, how you have to get rid of the dog, how you have to do xyz etc. I dont notice any compromises whatsoever on her part (eg. dust bothers me but I'll do the cleaning to my own standard so dont worry") etc Its all about her and her tears and how you must change.

If this was a man saying this to a woman everyone would be saying he was controlling. Take it from me who has experience of this- your life will be turned upside down whilst she gets everything she wants. Living with someone really shows you who they are and I think you are in for a massive shock.

I thought this too. It's all about what she wants with absolutely no compromise on her part.

curtaintwitcher23 · 19/04/2023 08:41

mumoffourgs · 19/04/2023 06:35

There's some crazy responses here....

If you want a relationship with your partner, the dog has to go. It's not her fault she's allergic, and no one here is medically qualified to decide how severe it is. It's not a red flag to have severe allergies, or even to want a clean dog free house. If it was just a dog free thing, then I'd perhaps suggest you weren't suited to each other, but the allergy isn't a preference.

If you are both committed then it just needs to happen. I'd be annoyed too if I was changing my plans to buy a house, and my partner couldn't keep their word, so wouldn't hang about if you procrastinated. If you don't want to get rid of the dog, then the relationship will most likely end.

Some people here are acting as if she's asking for a child to be adopted. It's a dog, a well loved family pet, but not a child, it's not equivalent to a child, and not something that your partner should have to sacrifice her health for.

You need to make a decision and fast about doing it. There's no easy way out, just don't keep your partner hanging on if you've no real intention of doing it.

Thankyou for your realistic and rational response.
The replies to this thread have 'red flagged' me to take a break from MN.

Calling someone whose health is being put at risk, controlling and red flag behaviour seriously wtf.

If she had done a post saying her bf home she was about to move into because they mutually agreed they want to build a future together was affecting her health because of his failure to keep it clean- can you imagine the responses, I can't imagine most would be yelling at her for sounding controlling.

Of course re homing a beloved dog would be huge but there's no indication the gf doesn't appreciate and understand that, it's an action the OP has agreed to for the human being and potential life partner he loves and cares for.

CherryCokeFanatic · 19/04/2023 08:42

I presume the sex must be very often and amazing because why else would you consider this

Testina · 19/04/2023 08:42

@CanineConundrum “She’s also mildly ocd”

What do you actually mean by that?

Possibly, you’re making light of a serious and real medical condition, with which she has not been diagnosed, and sometimes on MN will lead to your arse being handed to you on a plate.

But assuming you mean that she actually does have OCD but her symptoms are mild, have you thought about what this means for you? OCD often presents with Anxiety, and you’ve said she’s not capable of discussing the dog situation with crying (I was trying not to type, “turning on the waterworks, but 🤷🏻‍♀️”). Many people are in great relationships with people with MH conditions and are happy to support them or make allowances where needed. But go into this eyes wide open.

ChienChatCheval · 19/04/2023 08:43

curtaintwitcher23 · 19/04/2023 08:41

Thankyou for your realistic and rational response.
The replies to this thread have 'red flagged' me to take a break from MN.

Calling someone whose health is being put at risk, controlling and red flag behaviour seriously wtf.

If she had done a post saying her bf home she was about to move into because they mutually agreed they want to build a future together was affecting her health because of his failure to keep it clean- can you imagine the responses, I can't imagine most would be yelling at her for sounding controlling.

Of course re homing a beloved dog would be huge but there's no indication the gf doesn't appreciate and understand that, it's an action the OP has agreed to for the human being and potential life partner he loves and cares for.

Show quote history

Lol. See ya. 👋

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/04/2023 08:44

curtaintwitcher23 · 19/04/2023 08:41

Thankyou for your realistic and rational response.
The replies to this thread have 'red flagged' me to take a break from MN.

Calling someone whose health is being put at risk, controlling and red flag behaviour seriously wtf.

If she had done a post saying her bf home she was about to move into because they mutually agreed they want to build a future together was affecting her health because of his failure to keep it clean- can you imagine the responses, I can't imagine most would be yelling at her for sounding controlling.

Of course re homing a beloved dog would be huge but there's no indication the gf doesn't appreciate and understand that, it's an action the OP has agreed to for the human being and potential life partner he loves and cares for.

Show quote history

It’s not that people don’t believe her allergies, it’s the way she’s making demands, giving deadlines and showing a complete lack of empathy. This is someone who has been in the OP’s life less than a year. It’s ridiculous. My dog would be going absolutely nowhere for a virtual stranger, however much OP feels in love now.

cormorant5 · 19/04/2023 08:46

@CanineConundrum you are being unreasonable. What your saying is that you don't value her as much a mere animal. That is an extreme insult for her to absorb.
If you care for her then remove the dog soon so that all traces of dog skin and hair debris is gone by when she moves in.

Catspyjamas17 · 19/04/2023 08:46

Don't rehome the dog and don't let her move in at all. Things like whether you like/can tolerate pets and levels of cleanliness are things you have to be fairly similar on for a long term relationship to work.

Chasingadvice · 19/04/2023 08:47

Stressyfab · 19/04/2023 04:33

Then take a strong antihistamine, hoover more and if that doesn’t at least help you go to the drs.
You don’t give your fur baby up that you’ve had 4 years.
Might be better for the poor sod though if you actually care that little. It’s so sad.

'Fur baby' ConfusedGrin

Lady...it's a dog.

CamoFlamingo · 19/04/2023 08:48

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 08:33

nothing to be concerned about

If you realise you were wrong to "give your word" then tell her.

Dont hold yourself to a promise that was a mistake, because you are concerned about how it will look! people make mistakes.

Show quote history

I agree with this too. And FYI I'm not of the "rehoming an animal is a mortal sin" brigade, I think sometimes it's necessary but in this situation I think you'd be crazy to do it. You have known her less than a year and you've had your dog for four years. When I met my ex I was convinced he was the one for me, that he was what I'd been waiting for my whole life and he turned out to be an emotionally abusive cunt. Not that I'm saying your GF is but I'm just pointing out you can't be sure when you are still more or less in the honeymoon phase.

Nannyfannybanny · 19/04/2023 08:48

Long time cat/dog owner. DH very bad hay fever, me dermatitis
DGKs,who stay both eczema,GS allergies,croup, hospitalised with every episode. Both him and I have had propper regulated allergen tests carried out by dermatologist. Other GP have dogs and cats. They have wood floors,we have laminate. It's a case of daily vacuum ( get one with specific filters)/damp dust,blinds not curtains,no carpet.They are 12 and 13, now symptoms exacerbated by pollen, but fine with animals. Do a trial run,dog in kennels/relatives,all the above plus hepafilter. (You can hire them,)It would take a while to remove all dander,see what happens.

Chasingadvice · 19/04/2023 08:50

ChrisTrepidation · 19/04/2023 05:06

Would you rehome a child for a new partner?

Dogs are family. Rehoming your dog for a woman you"ve known five minutes is just awful.

If I met someone and they were allergic to my pets their would be zero chance of my animals being shipped off to suit them.

She sounds cold and uncaring and you sound like a doormat!

Dogs aren't children. There are no comparisons despite the weird fixation many people have with their canines.

I didn't realise having an allergy made a person 'cold and uncaring'- what a strange view point.

OnaBegonia · 19/04/2023 08:50

Less than a year and she's pressuring to move in? what's the rush?
Also seems odd this allergy has just been discovered when she wants to move in.
Do not allow yourself to be manipulated like this, you're making all the compromises.

Asiatoyork · 19/04/2023 08:54

Not read the whole thread.

I can very much understand her point of view tbh. It’s unfortunate that you want to set your life up with someone with an allergy when you have a dog, but you are where you are.

I think you need to make your mind up and get on with it either way.

VivaciousRadish · 19/04/2023 08:55

I’m allergic to cats, they make me sneeze, and if I hold them next I get a rash on my chest.

I like cats, so I have a cat. I’m a bit sneezy, and don’t pick him up.

I manage because I want to manage