..to really not want teenagers at the table

[NoCatsToday]

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

Can’t believe the dramatic replies on here. Teenagers won’t explode if you tell them nicely to piss off for a bit. (And I love teenagers!)

They wouldn’t want you hanging around like a bad smell when they’re with their mates, so it works both ways.

YANBU op and your irritation is completely normal. I have no idea why other posters can’t get their head around the fact that an adult get-together isn't the same with other folks’ teenagers in the mix - and mooching the food. Just no.

They are just coming for the food. They wouldn’t like it if the parents crashed their catch-ups with their friends.

YANBU I hate it too.

tallcypowder
My friends kids do this. Literally sit with us all night. It changes the conversation.
Friend is always saying close your ears for this bit guys. 

The food thing is annoying but understandable given they are teenagers but the part that upsets me is that it does completely change the conversation.

Note the 'roam free' was said in jest but I forgot to put #TongueInCheekComment next to it. My bad.

I don’t think it’s the “adult time is for adults” that most people are miffed at. It’s that OP fully expects these teenagers to not make an appearance in their own home for the entire night.

It’s their house, not hers. OP literally stated she doesn’t enjoy how these teenagers “roam free”, like they’re pets she expects the mums to put out the back while she’s there 😂😂

I would come into the kitchen while my kids were in there with their mates / have a quick chat / maybe swipe a slice of pizza and they would do the same with me and my friends. No hanging around, just a catch up and on my / their way again.

Just go out?

As stated in the OP this would be my preference every time.

Honestly I think the best course of action here, for your friendships’ sakes, is to take your get together elsewhere. Go out to dinner for the evening, or offer to host in your own home more.

It’s the only way you’ll get to have your cake and eat it too.

Yes, having teens would change the dynamic and only enough food has been ordered for, say 6 adults and then 3 teens arrive to join in (even though they've already been feed), that doesn't leave enough food for the adults (whose food/dinner it is supposed to be)

I agree that the answer would be to order a takeaway for the teens. Quite how you would do this in someone else's house is another matter, though.

The teenagers probably wouldn't want their parents coming in and interrupting an evening with their friends. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the same in return.

Yeah, I agree with this
Two teenagers here, I'm absolutely all for time with mates and having your own time, it's important.
Would go crackers without some me time!
Wouldn't be comfortable giving them."normal" food whilst they were in the house too though whilst we all pigged out on takeaway.
Seems a bit unfair, think I'd personally get them some takeaway too and then they could have it in their rooms or something

Teens go to their rooms when they have friends over if they want privacy. Adults don’t really do that with their friends and most don’t ban their kids from the kitchen or wherever. They go out if they want an undisturbed night when they have teens.

You don’t get to dictate how other people behave in their own home or how they choose to host

That, basically. If the kids are around for the whole evening, I get that it's irritating. But no, you can't say anything.

No it isn’t!

If these are real, good friends I think you can and should say something. you don't have to be mean. Like "when we meet on Friday, can we order some dishes just for Peter and Jane, and they can say hi and then take them to another room? That way we can speak freely ha ha". You can hint that there is something particularly scurrilous you need / want to discuss.

I don't like socialising with everyone's attachments all the time. I also like to have women friends who don't always come with their husbands. I think I would find a polite way of suggesting that to someone who didn't immediately get it, or if not, I think the friendship would fizzle out.

My sister hasn't eaten without her kids since they were born, which I used to find annoying as I felt we couldn't have a proper adult dinner without someone crawling under the table or banging about or something but she is so domineering everything is on her terms and I never did anything about it. I would hope to be more direct - pleasantly direct - with real friends.

Bit mean spirited the adults get a lovely takeaway and the kids have to make do with whatever they’ve been given for dinner and then you complain they may hope to get some of the takeaway

@LudicrouslyCapaciousBag apologies I thought I'd said that.

No worries! I do try to read OPs properly. I think this is your answer.

When we were early teens we used to get very excited when our parents had dinner parties. They would leave food in the kitchen though (my mother always made masses) and tell us to be quiet and stay out of the way so we'd sneak into the kitchen for leftovers.

What sort of teen age? No I don't think YABU to not want teen company when you see your friends. As long as you make sure they have a 'treat' as well.

I think it's nice when I visit my friends and their teenaged children want to come and chat, even if it is only when we have food. These teenagers are people I have known for their whole life, I care about them and hope to maintain a relationship with them as they grow up.

My friend with teens would order plenty for them too (dishes of the teenagers choice) and they would happily then take it to their rooms to chill out.

Well, unless you give up your living space for your teenagers’ friends and hide in your bedroom while they are entertaining at home, I think yabu. I quite like it when other people’s teenagers are a bit sociable. If I didn’t like it, I would not entertain at home, because it is not just my home, unless, eg, I had arranged a time with my children when they were out and about themselves, not having to hide themselves away somewhere. Tbh, I find it more weird and somewhat rude to know there are other people in a house who are going out of their way to avoid me when I visit!

Through admitting and debating this issue to the great forum of Mumsnet what I have now realised is that the thing I find really annoying is not the teenagers per se. It is my beloved friends publicly besotted and coo cooing over their spotty progeny when we were in the the middle of a lovely chat.

I fully accept that I am a terrible person.

I understand completely 😄.