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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to really not want teenagers at the table

360 replies

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:55

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

OP posts:
brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 21:39

@neilyoungismyhero

Pretty sure if parents descended into said teenagers rooms with other parents in similar situation it would be deemed as completely unacceptable by the kids...

The teens are not going into the parents bedrooms though. It's shared living space.

OnMyWayToSenility · 18/04/2023 21:40

Know exactly what you mean! Teenagers would normally bill hiss and spit if we dared to come anywhere near them! Fine I understand

But mine understand adult time is the same
Do not intrude
Do not overstep
Go about your business and leave me to mine equally 😀

TheOrigRights · 18/04/2023 21:44

I'm in a book club with 5 other women and we take it in turns to host.
We have teens as well as older and younger children.
We don't get take away, just nibbles etc.
The kids aren't banned from where we are, but they all understand it's our evening with our friends and might come and say hello, get a drink, swipe a few crisps and then clear off.
They're all lovely kids but it's an adult evening and having our children there means we can't talk so freely.
I think it's fine for them to see their parents having their mates round in the same way we give them space when their friends are over.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 18/04/2023 21:44

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:01

I don't resent them for being alive. I resent the fact that they roam free interrupting our fun night in ... and eating all the food.

Show quote history

This is miserable OP. I say this as someone who loves child free time with my friends and does my best to have time without our kids than with them…, but if we’re in their houses and they’re mooching about, they’re not roaming free; they’re just at home!

S72 · 18/04/2023 21:44

I've never thought of this situation from the OPs perspective before. Interesting.

Personally, I love seeing my friends teenagers and having a chat.

At home, my DS will come and say hello and engage with my friends, rather than retreat to his room immediately when the doorbell rings. He is polite and will usually excuse himself after a bit. I'm a solo parent so he knows my friends well.

If a takeaway is being ordered at mine or at friends, we always holler to the kids/teens to see if they want something.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 18/04/2023 21:45

I completely agree, and I also don't see why the teenagers need a take away.

SalmonEile · 18/04/2023 21:47

A strategy to consider re the food :

when the doorbell rings with the takeaway leap like a salmon and be the one to answer the door
grab some plates and be all “oh you guys relax I’ll dish up!”
sort your own plate first
then as the teens descend be all “oh Adultfriend1 did you order the curry chips or was that you Adultfriend2 ? Oh shall I just put it all on the table then ok”
and then it’s not your problem , your food is secure. Now feed.
By the time you’ve finished eating the rest of the food supply will have been decimated, the teens will have retreated and you can resume the adult talk

tallcypowder · 18/04/2023 21:50

My friends kids do this. Literally sit with us all night. It changes the conversation.
Friend is always saying close your ears for this bit guys. Blush

Londongal123 · 18/04/2023 21:51

Haha DH and I have been known to eat in our room (we have a large bedroom) just so we don’t have to interact with the crew! If it’s just our own kids it’s always fine but it’s too overwhelming when there’s like 6 of them.

UpsyDaisy352 · 18/04/2023 21:52

YABU

If I had friends round for a takeaway, the kids would get some too.

If I were at a friends house and their kids were around, I wouldn’t ever expect them to avoid a room just because I was there.

You tell your kids to steer clear. I think this is a horrid thing to do, but they’re your kids and it’s your house, so I wouldn’t impose. You can’t force what you want in other people’s homes

Kanaloa · 18/04/2023 21:53

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:11

So IABU because you enjoy it and I don't?

Show quote history

No, YABU because THEY enjoy it and you don’t. When you’re invited to somebody’s home you take it as it is. You don’t have the right to complain that their children are in the home instead of being forced to do a Harry Potter and stay in their bedroom pretending they’re not there! If you don’t like it you decline the invitation.

JudgeRudy · 18/04/2023 21:55

I think it's pushing it to dictate how other families should police their kids. If money isn't an issue it makes sense to me order extra then send it upstairs/back room/kichen.....anywhere out the way.
Maybe suggest you host next time. Drop in that it's more private. Besides, you don't have to worry about getting home

YellowDots · 18/04/2023 21:55

SalmonEile · 18/04/2023 21:47

A strategy to consider re the food :

when the doorbell rings with the takeaway leap like a salmon and be the one to answer the door
grab some plates and be all “oh you guys relax I’ll dish up!”
sort your own plate first
then as the teens descend be all “oh Adultfriend1 did you order the curry chips or was that you Adultfriend2 ? Oh shall I just put it all on the table then ok”
and then it’s not your problem , your food is secure. Now feed.
By the time you’ve finished eating the rest of the food supply will have been decimated, the teens will have retreated and you can resume the adult talk

I think she would come across as nuts if she did this. Racing to yen door in someone else's house and taking control over the food order. Getting her own on a plate whilst pretending she isn't.

Caramc20 · 18/04/2023 21:55

Yanbu it’s nice to have your own adult time! I don’t mind if they pop down for a little while then go off again though.

Doverdeal · 18/04/2023 21:55

I’m with you OP.

UpsyDaisy352 · 18/04/2023 21:55

Kanaloa · 18/04/2023 21:53

No, YABU because THEY enjoy it and you don’t. When you’re invited to somebody’s home you take it as it is. You don’t have the right to complain that their children are in the home instead of being forced to do a Harry Potter and stay in their bedroom pretending they’re not there! If you don’t like it you decline the invitation.

Show quote history

Exactly!

If you hate being around their kids so much and sharing a tiny bit of food, don’t go.

TeenLifeMum · 18/04/2023 21:56

brooksidebackside · 18/04/2023 21:39

@neilyoungismyhero

Pretty sure if parents descended into said teenagers rooms with other parents in similar situation it would be deemed as completely unacceptable by the kids...

The teens are not going into the parents bedrooms though. It's shared living space.

Haha, yes but if I invite friends over and suggest we go up to my bedroom that’s a bit weird!

my teen loves to listen in to adult conversation so I allow a little but then ask her to go somewhere else otherwise how can I talk about her if she’s there 😉

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 18/04/2023 21:57

Why can't you get them some takeaway? If they've had boring food earlier no wonder they want some of yours when they smell it. Get them some of their own then you won't see them. Failing that, you'll have to go out (you said cost isn't an issue) if you don't want them around.

MusicDreamer · 18/04/2023 21:57

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:01

I don't resent them for being alive. I resent the fact that they roam free interrupting our fun night in ... and eating all the food.

Show quote history

Roam free.... it’s their home too.

As for the food, insist that enough is ordered for the teens as well as ‘they seem to enjoy it’.

LorW · 18/04/2023 21:58

I take it the host doesn’t actually order enough food for the teenagers too?

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2023 21:59

Next time job at suggest they order extra for the teens so they can get it early and disappear to their rooms

watcherintherye · 18/04/2023 21:59

Order in Domino’s for them. They’ll be bound to take them straight up to their rooms to eat (and leave the cartons there for several days to cultivate that special aroma that only days old pizza boxes have).

LittleBrenda · 18/04/2023 21:59

tallcypowder · 18/04/2023 21:50

My friends kids do this. Literally sit with us all night. It changes the conversation.
Friend is always saying close your ears for this bit guys. Blush

This doesn't seem to be what's bothering the OP though, it all seems to be about the takeaway being eaten

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2023 22:00

Why don’t you all eat together - teens and adults? They’ll soon slope off when the food’s gone. You go round like a misery guts to me.

UpsyDaisy352 · 18/04/2023 22:00

MusicDreamer · 18/04/2023 21:57

Roam free.... it’s their home too.

As for the food, insist that enough is ordered for the teens as well as ‘they seem to enjoy it’.

Show quote history

Roam free bothered me too. I picture OP muttering “they should be locked in their cages!” whenever those kids are … roaming free in their own homes