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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to really not want teenagers at the table

360 replies

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:55

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

OP posts:
Tandora · 20/04/2023 19:23

NoCatsToday · 20/04/2023 18:39

The reference to chat about 'Wimmins things' was tongue in cheek. We're far more likely to be talking about laundry solutions, the demise of the thank you letter and 'at odds to our own' behaviour from Gen Z in the workplace, than HRT or hot flushes.

My point was a more general one in that it changes the conversation and whilst I love my friends to bits I do not feel the same way about their kids so do not want to waste precious time with them. I am the same with any age of child but with on the cusp of adulthood teenagers it is a harder to express without causing offence. So I won't.

Well then meet them somewhere other than their house!

MaybeSmaller · 20/04/2023 19:25

one of our houses

at home

Those pesky teenagers? It's THEIR HOUSE, op.

If you don't want to be disturbed by people who actually live in the house, then maybe go out to eat at Pizza Express, or KFC, or McDonald's, or whatever style of takeaway it is that you like?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2023 19:27

I can't believe you go to a family house and expect the members of the family that live there to stay away from you. Going to someone's house means seeing their family, clearly.

SeulementUneFois · 20/04/2023 19:36

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2023 19:27

I can't believe you go to a family house and expect the members of the family that live there to stay away from you. Going to someone's house means seeing their family, clearly.

Should that apply equally then so?

I doubt teenagers having their friends over would like their mum sitting down with them for food and prolonged chats.

TiredandHungry19 · 20/04/2023 19:55

Some of these responses are so unbelievably odd. Are some parents here still attached to their kids by umbilical cord? Your precious teens will be fine if you spend some time with your adult friends. OP is friends with the adults, the adults' kids are not her friends, why would an adult want to hang out with a bunch of teens? When I was a kid and my Mum had friends over for dinner, we were told to stay in the lounge or our rooms while she had adult time. Normal and healthy, you don't have to be Mum and Dad 100% of the time. Teenagers are more than capable of understanding that adults don't want them buzzing around when they're socialising just as teens don't want Mum and Dad loitering when they're with other teen friends.

TheOrigRights · 20/04/2023 19:58

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2023 19:27

I can't believe you go to a family house and expect the members of the family that live there to stay away from you. Going to someone's house means seeing their family, clearly.

Nah. I'm going to my book club tomorrow. 6 women. The kids of the host will be in their own rooms, at Scouts or with their Dad in an other room.

We'll see the Dad and the kids and it will be nice to have a little chat. I don't think this is at all strange or rude.

Cocobeachy · 20/04/2023 19:58

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2023 19:27

I can't believe you go to a family house and expect the members of the family that live there to stay away from you. Going to someone's house means seeing their family, clearly.

I think if the Op means they come in while they are eating, lean over and take bits of food it's quite irritating and rude.

Really can't see why the parent doesn't order takeaway/ pizza for them

Tigermearns · 20/04/2023 20:18

That would bug the life outta me esp if they've already eaten and they've turned up just to be gannets purely cos they know it's takeaway...
Just because they're teens and not little kids doesn't suddenly mean that you want them around hearing what you're talking about either. You aren't there to see them...
I'd put this on par with if having a girly night and someone's husband or bf kept just kept "free roaming" into the room for the food etc just because they had nothing better to do.

FictionalCharacter · 20/04/2023 20:24

Why are people saying “I think it’s nice that the teenagers come and say hello” when it’s clear that saying hello is not the problem? OP clearly said that they come to the table and pick at the adults’ food before the adults have finished eating, which is really rude.

ExhaustedPipes · 20/04/2023 20:27

FictionalCharacter · 20/04/2023 20:24

Why are people saying “I think it’s nice that the teenagers come and say hello” when it’s clear that saying hello is not the problem? OP clearly said that they come to the table and pick at the adults’ food before the adults have finished eating, which is really rude.

Well, in that case, the normal response would be "go away, you've already had your supper" (though I think it would be a bit mean to have a takeaway and not expect teenagers to gravitate towards it, so I would just order a bit extra or heat up some extra garlic bread or whatever, to share it around, and then send them on their way).

ExhaustedPipes · 20/04/2023 20:29

Husbands are a different matter, though. I have no interest at all in saying anything more than 'hello' to my friends' husbands. However, I haven't known them since they were babies.

literalviolence · 20/04/2023 20:49

brunettemic · 20/04/2023 19:20

Disagree, if OP wants her rules and approach followed she needs to host. If she’s going to someone else’s house then it’s up that those people. She doesn’t like it, she can choose not to go.

Show quote history

Not sure that's relevant TBH. You invite people for a specific thing. They've not agreed to whatever the host wants because they accepted the invite for something else. It's basic manners tbh. Come for an evening listening to my teens, is quite different than come for an evening to catch up with friends. You have taken OP's choice away but we can agree to disagree.

Littleladygeorge · 20/04/2023 22:33

YABU. It’s almost like you’re saying “while I’m here, you shouldn’t be”. It’s your choice if you decide to banish your kids when you host, but if it’s someone else’s house, keep quiet!

Axahooxa · 20/04/2023 22:49

People saying the kids can stay in a room- I imagine most of you don’t have teenagers.

emptythelitterbox · 20/04/2023 23:15

If there's 14 teens between everyone, why not just leave them at home?

The 2nd option which has been already said is to order takeaway for all the teens.

TheOrigRights · 20/04/2023 23:31

Axahooxa · 20/04/2023 22:49

People saying the kids can stay in a room- I imagine most of you don’t have teenagers.

My 14 yo barely leaves his given the chance!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 01:49

Bunnybeeee · 20/04/2023 17:44

Yeahhhh...ngl if one of my friends complained that my kid was at home and...*gasp..... Not padlocked onto thier rooms like prisoners.... I'd invite them to gtfo. It's thier home. They have the right to be in it. You do not. Simple as that 🤷‍♀️

I automatically tube out if anyone uses the shruggy emoji.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 01:55

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 20/04/2023 18:35

YABU, you can't order takeaway and don't offer any for the kids. That's cruel.

FFS. I don’t think it will get OP’s friend brought up in front of The Hague.

campingmama · 21/04/2023 08:37

Some of the most smartest and funniest young adults I know are those that have been involved in evenings like this where they get involved with what the adults are all talking about!
My bonus kids will pop in and out whilst we have friends round and interact it's their home and they should be comfortable to be themselves no matter who is around.

Tandora · 21/04/2023 09:45

FictionalCharacter · 20/04/2023 20:24

Why are people saying “I think it’s nice that the teenagers come and say hello” when it’s clear that saying hello is not the problem? OP clearly said that they come to the table and pick at the adults’ food before the adults have finished eating, which is really rude.

What’s really rude is ordering takeaway, and not including all who are present!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 11:02

It isn’t rude at all. All the guests are included - just because the host’s children happen to be in the house at the same time, they don’t have to be part of an adult evening.

LetsStartFromScratch · 21/04/2023 11:14

If it's not a money issue then, when it's next suggested, just say to your friendship group that you'd prefer it if you all went out because you can all relax and talk more freely without the kids there.

They may well agree with you!

Mrsgreen100 · 21/04/2023 12:18

Teens at the table are just as it should be my memory of friends teens at table and trudging in and out are years on fond , those teens are now grown and have children of their own
so now there’s babies at the table etc
when I much later had my own children, I wanted the same kind of multi generational vibe in my home and very glad to know those same teens now they are in their 30’s
if you don’t like it don’t go to their home!
bringing up children is an art and acts of love from all “adults “for me should be the norm.
sorry but I wouldn’t want anyone in my home who resented my family for being in their home

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/04/2023 12:38

Mrsgreen100 · 21/04/2023 12:18

Teens at the table are just as it should be my memory of friends teens at table and trudging in and out are years on fond , those teens are now grown and have children of their own
so now there’s babies at the table etc
when I much later had my own children, I wanted the same kind of multi generational vibe in my home and very glad to know those same teens now they are in their 30’s
if you don’t like it don’t go to their home!
bringing up children is an art and acts of love from all “adults “for me should be the norm.
sorry but I wouldn’t want anyone in my home who resented my family for being in their home

I agree.

Of course, there are times when I want to have private conversations with my friends, but at those times, I wouldn't want my DH around any more than I would want my dc!Grin

As a general rule, though, I hate the way our culture still has this very strong separation between adults and children/young people, almost as if they are a different species! It must be a hangover from the old Victorian values of children being seen but not heard. My DH's culture approaches it very differently, and I think it's so much healthier!

WhoBird · 22/04/2023 11:14

I would order my teens food if I was having people round for takeaway. I wouldn’t let them pick at our food, but that’s on their parents. YANBU to feel irritated, YABU to say anything