Page 10 | ..to really not want teenagers at the table

NoCatsToday · 2023-04-18T19:55:34+00:00

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch. I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great. Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue. I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food. I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening. So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 19/04/2023 08:53

SeulementUneFois · 19/04/2023 08:04

OP.

Engage with them - the teenagers. Ask them questions about themselves:

How are you.
how are you finding the teenage hormonal changes
How's school.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

What are they like

How are you doing in Maths GCSEs.
You really should watch this educational YouTube channel, it really helps with Maths.
Are you involved in school debating/politics

Etc etc.

For a moment I thought this was the most patronising post ever written on MN .

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 08:54

It is

lala2023 · 19/04/2023 09:13

@SheikYerboutiii

How offensive

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/04/2023 09:15

Jabiru

People in their 50s generally don’t want to socialise with their friends teenagers”

We enjoy talking with them, I think it’s good for us (them too, probably).

brunettemic · 19/04/2023 09:16

The question you’re really asking is “AIBU to ask my friends to ensure their teenagers are forced to stay in their rooms when I come round for a takeaway”. And yes, you’re being ridiculous.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/04/2023 09:22

60smusic · 18/04/2023 21:07

If adults are having friends around for a take away, there's no need for the teens to join in. I've raised 5 kids and they never helped themselves to food that I was having with friends, normally if they weren't going out, I'd order for them and they eat it in the other room.

I have though come across every scenario when visiting other friends homes, tbh I don't get why an adult can't have some time with friends to catch up without teens taking over or small children even.

This.

I get it, OP. I meet my friends outside their homes largely because I'd like to speak to them and not so much their teenagers.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 09:23

No wonder there are so many threads about “entitled” teenagers on MN. It seems no one ever dares to tell them “No”! From some of the comments on this thread, you’d think being in the same house as a takeaway you’re not eating is some kind of major trauma. I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out! Well maybe it would do them good to learn that not everything is about them.

The “But I think it’s lovely that teens want to come to say hi and be sociable!” brigade are missing the point. The OP doesn’t think this is lovely. She wants adult conversation and to eat in peace. This sort of comment amounts to little more than “Well I wouldn’t have a problem with this, so why should you?”

OP - as you say yourself, you can’t control what goes on when you’re not hosting. So take control of the things you can. Be proactive about organising nights out. Don’t be afraid to say no if someone says “I’m not sure; can’t we just get a takeaway at mine instead?” or similar - or at least “I was really up for a night out, but fair enough if you don’t fancy it - anyone else?” Not everyone has to accept every invitation; there’s no harm in saying “Anyone fancy dinner at Alfredo’s?” and sticking to that invitation rather than saying “Sure, let’s do that instead” if someone suggests takeaway. Similarly, don’t be afraid to say “Not really up for takeaway, so I’m going to sit this one out - see you all soon!” if you get an invitation from one of those who lets their teens take over.

You also said you don’t host these events very often. Could you offer to host more often? That way it’s your rules - and you might even get a chance to drop “Well, we don’t want the kids hanging around all night, do we?” into the conversation if someone asks how come they haven’t been in raiding the bhajis. Maybe they’ll get the hint…

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2023 09:47

OoooohMatron · 19/04/2023 07:25

Seems like a tight arse move to get a takeaway and none for the kids

@OoooohMatron

what if they’ve already eaten ?

lots of teens have their dinner early on , not too far after coming home from school/their parents coming home from work

Original poster

NoCatsToday · 19/04/2023 09:49

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 09:23

No wonder there are so many threads about “entitled” teenagers on MN. It seems no one ever dares to tell them “No”! From some of the comments on this thread, you’d think being in the same house as a takeaway you’re not eating is some kind of major trauma. I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out! Well maybe it would do them good to learn that not everything is about them.

The “But I think it’s lovely that teens want to come to say hi and be sociable!” brigade are missing the point. The OP doesn’t think this is lovely. She wants adult conversation and to eat in peace. This sort of comment amounts to little more than “Well I wouldn’t have a problem with this, so why should you?”

OP - as you say yourself, you can’t control what goes on when you’re not hosting. So take control of the things you can. Be proactive about organising nights out. Don’t be afraid to say no if someone says “I’m not sure; can’t we just get a takeaway at mine instead?” or similar - or at least “I was really up for a night out, but fair enough if you don’t fancy it - anyone else?” Not everyone has to accept every invitation; there’s no harm in saying “Anyone fancy dinner at Alfredo’s?” and sticking to that invitation rather than saying “Sure, let’s do that instead” if someone suggests takeaway. Similarly, don’t be afraid to say “Not really up for takeaway, so I’m going to sit this one out - see you all soon!” if you get an invitation from one of those who lets their teens take over.

You also said you don’t host these events very often. Could you offer to host more often? That way it’s your rules - and you might even get a chance to drop “Well, we don’t want the kids hanging around all night, do we?” into the conversation if someone asks how come they haven’t been in raiding the bhajis. Maybe they’ll get the hint…

Thank you. Excellent advice.

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 19/04/2023 09:53

My 17yo dd definitely isn't entitled but she hasn't been brought up with the very strong distinctions between adults and children that some people seem to have on here, so she tends to just see people as people. This means that she wouldn't automatically assume that adults wouldn't want to talk to her, and she wouldn't immediately dismiss middle aged people as being boring/of no interest to her. She is just sociable and likes chatting to people.

That said, she is perfectly capable of understanding that I might want time with my own friends that is uninterrupted. I would not frame this in the patronising terms of adults needing adult time. I would just tell her that we wanted some privacy in the same way that she likes to have privacy with her friends. In any case, she has a busy social life of her own, so if I had plans, she would probably plan to do something with her own friends in any case.

One of her friend's mums likes to pull up a chair in her dd's bedroom and join in the teenage chat. DD and her other friends think it is hilarious and they find said mum to be great fun. The daughter herself absolutely does not agree and thinks - quite understandably imo - that mum is cramping her style...mum still does it quite often anyway!

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2023 10:01

I find people on MN really particular about how their meetings with friends must be. If it's only occasional rather than every time you meet up, can you not just accept conversation being slightly different occasionally?

I get the argument about entitled teens and it's not that I don't think they can be asked to leave, but equally I think it's quite precious to be this bothered about occasional differences to how you envisioned your meet up.

AllTheAll · 19/04/2023 10:17

FOAD37 · 19/04/2023 07:20

There ought to be a law against it!
In my day, children were sent up chimneys, so in bed when the adults met for vittals. Teenagers were either in a Southwark brothel or pprenticed to a criminal, so not living at home, and therefore unable to access their parents' friends food

Show quote history

😂

Isheabastard · 19/04/2023 10:21

Obviously your friends feel differently about their own teenagers.

So unless you think you can find away of telling your friends no teenagers in their own home without offending them (which it likely will), then I think you just have to put up with it.

Id suggest you volunteer to do more hosting, or suggest trying out more restaurants.

I do know how you feel as it’s happened to me.

Original poster

NoCatsToday · 19/04/2023 10:22

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2023 10:01

I find people on MN really particular about how their meetings with friends must be. If it's only occasional rather than every time you meet up, can you not just accept conversation being slightly different occasionally?

I get the argument about entitled teens and it's not that I don't think they can be asked to leave, but equally I think it's quite precious to be this bothered about occasional differences to how you envisioned your meet up.

Point taken. Thing is everyone is busy and with fourteen teenagers between the four of us meeting time is hard to wrangle between family, work and volunteer commitments. It can take a while to find a time that fits everyone. I would much rather go out every time as the relative effort is worth it for the quality of time gained but as I stated upthread I value these friendships very much and will say nothing.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2023 10:43

I wouldn’t have intruded on my mums time with her pals ( just as she wouldn’t have invited herself to join me and my pals).

we would say hi, how are you that kind of thing- and then leave them to it

it’s just a mutual respect thing.

bit entitled to just assume people want your company!

Northernparent68 · 19/04/2023 11:22

OP, be careful, if the parents pick up on your attitude they’re not going to be happy

Devoutspoken · 19/04/2023 11:25

I have no problem telling my mates I prefer just grown ups, and we're still friends

friendsinplaces · 19/04/2023 11:27

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 09:23

No wonder there are so many threads about “entitled” teenagers on MN. It seems no one ever dares to tell them “No”! From some of the comments on this thread, you’d think being in the same house as a takeaway you’re not eating is some kind of major trauma. I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out! Well maybe it would do them good to learn that not everything is about them.

The “But I think it’s lovely that teens want to come to say hi and be sociable!” brigade are missing the point. The OP doesn’t think this is lovely. She wants adult conversation and to eat in peace. This sort of comment amounts to little more than “Well I wouldn’t have a problem with this, so why should you?”

OP - as you say yourself, you can’t control what goes on when you’re not hosting. So take control of the things you can. Be proactive about organising nights out. Don’t be afraid to say no if someone says “I’m not sure; can’t we just get a takeaway at mine instead?” or similar - or at least “I was really up for a night out, but fair enough if you don’t fancy it - anyone else?” Not everyone has to accept every invitation; there’s no harm in saying “Anyone fancy dinner at Alfredo’s?” and sticking to that invitation rather than saying “Sure, let’s do that instead” if someone suggests takeaway. Similarly, don’t be afraid to say “Not really up for takeaway, so I’m going to sit this one out - see you all soon!” if you get an invitation from one of those who lets their teens take over.

You also said you don’t host these events very often. Could you offer to host more often? That way it’s your rules - and you might even get a chance to drop “Well, we don’t want the kids hanging around all night, do we?” into the conversation if someone asks how come they haven’t been in raiding the bhajis. Maybe they’ll get the hint…

I agree with this 100%.
I don't think this is so much about teenagers as it is about manners. If my partner has his mates round, on their own with no partners, to talk their interest - music - I would not muscle in on the evening. I'd say hi and take myself off quite happily.
I can sort of understand a bit of socialising, dropping by the table for a few minutes to be friend. Taking the food from the table is just bloody rude though. Stay out of the way and wait for a shout up the stairs offering the leftovers, after everyone actually invited has had their fill.

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2023 11:36

I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out

Sure, it’s no violation. But it’s weird and makes no sense. These are teenagers, not young children that have an early dinner time and little kiddy food. If someone expected me to eat at 6.30 I’d think them mad and I would have expected my teens to eat at 6.30 if everyone else was eating later. Similarly, why would you give them other food at an earlier time? Just add theirs to the order surely?

My kids never muscled in on adult time and adult conversation. But I never expected teens to eat like little kids either. If there was takeaway I’d get stuff for them, hand it off when it arrived then you wouldn’t see them for dust. How is this hard?

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2023 11:36

wouldn’t have expected

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2023 11:48

Northernparent68 · 19/04/2023 11:22

OP, be careful, if the parents pick up on your attitude they’re not going to be happy

@Northernparent68

why not?

Saracen · 19/04/2023 12:09

TheOrigRights · 19/04/2023 07:16

Why were they there?
Why could they not be asked to leave the adults to their evening?

Show quote history

It was an extended family Christmastime gathering lasting several days at a large house. The teens were part of the family. It wasn't "our" evening. It was everyone's evening. We just fancied some adult discussion at that moment.

The reason we didn't ask them to leave was because that would have seemed rude, and besides, it was more amusing to jokingly drive them away.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 19/04/2023 12:58

When my teen wanders down she is welcomed by me and friends for 10-15 minutes then told to clear off!

She doesn't mind... she wouldn't want me to wander in and make myself comfortable when she had friends around. It works both ways.

I always make sure she has takeaway/goodies too but she doesn't join our party/evening.

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 12:58

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2023 11:36

I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out

Sure, it’s no violation. But it’s weird and makes no sense. These are teenagers, not young children that have an early dinner time and little kiddy food. If someone expected me to eat at 6.30 I’d think them mad and I would have expected my teens to eat at 6.30 if everyone else was eating later. Similarly, why would you give them other food at an earlier time? Just add theirs to the order surely?

My kids never muscled in on adult time and adult conversation. But I never expected teens to eat like little kids either. If there was takeaway I’d get stuff for them, hand it off when it arrived then you wouldn’t see them for dust. How is this hard?

14 and 16 year old in this house. 6:30 is our normal tea time. I don't think anyone feels that they're being treated like a kid.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 14:41

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2023 11:36

I’m pretty sure it isn’t a violation of the Geneva Convention to feed your kids at say, 6.30 because you’ve got friends coming around at 8 and want an adult evening. These kids only want some of the takeaway because they can’t bear the thought that something is happening and they’re missing out

Sure, it’s no violation. But it’s weird and makes no sense. These are teenagers, not young children that have an early dinner time and little kiddy food. If someone expected me to eat at 6.30 I’d think them mad and I would have expected my teens to eat at 6.30 if everyone else was eating later. Similarly, why would you give them other food at an earlier time? Just add theirs to the order surely?

My kids never muscled in on adult time and adult conversation. But I never expected teens to eat like little kids either. If there was takeaway I’d get stuff for them, hand it off when it arrived then you wouldn’t see them for dust. How is this hard?

Because it’s a separate occasion. Feed the kids earlier, get them out of the way, have an evening with your friends. I don’t see why you find the idea so odd. Okay, maybe it isn’t how you’d do it personally, but it’s not exactly an outlandish idea.