..to really not want teenagers at the table

[NoCatsToday]

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

I don't think you can say anything probably but I absolutely get this and would feel the same way. It completely changes the dynamic.

I met my old friends for dinner recently and our children joined us for a cocktail beforehand and we told them that then they had to go off and do their own thing. That worked well. It would have been harder in someone's house though [I am always secretly disappointed if children or partners are around as they are not the people I have come to see.]

Yeahhhh...ngl if one of my friends complained that my kid was at home and...*gasp..... Not padlocked onto thier rooms like prisoners.... I'd invite them to gtfo. It's thier home. They have the right to be in it. You do not. Simple as that 🤷‍♀️

I actually rarely go to see my friend anymore for a similar reason. She has lovely teenage daughters, but to be honest we only see each other about once every 4 months and I get irritated that they appear during our private conversations, eavesdropping and/or starting conversations about their own lives every single time. She has in the past urged me to discuss my relationship difficulties with them sitting there waiting for me to start! I wouldn't discuss these things in front of my own adult daughter, so definitely won't do it in front of someone else's teenagers.

Yes, there's nothing more boring than conversation derailed to questions about school and uni plans.

Absolutely this!

My close friends’ children (all well out of their teens now) have been part of my life since they were born and I love to see them. My eldest “child” doesn’t live with me any more and my friends will contact her if they are visiting the city she lives in!

YANBU

I see both sides to this. I would agree that its annoying if they are there ALL evening just sitting in there listening the entire time but if they are just grabbing some food and saying hello then I think you are being ridiculous. Most teens wouldnt want to stay there with you the whole evening anyway- they'd probably find your conversation intensely boring anyway.

You cant go to someone's house and ask that their kids are never seen or heard by you, just like I wouldnt go to someone's house and insist that their dog be locked away for the entire evening or that their husband should stay in their bedroom and not come out because I dont want him to hear what I want to talk to my friend about etc

If it bothers you so much stop going to their house, you know, where THEY live and meet them at the pub or a restaurant etc

I understand where you're coming from but I think if you go to someone's house you really can't say anything about it.

It's their children's home as well and as the guest, you can't really ask for them to be banned from the room you are in. It would be really rude.

The way I would handle it would just be to suggest going out every so often, or mixing up whose house you go to, so you end up getting some adult time sometimes, and just accept that when you are at this friend's house, the teens will be around.

YABU. I can't imagine my parents being so mean as to order a takeaway, but not let us have any. And tbh, my dad could definitely be mean, but even he wouldn't do that. They're not small children anymore, they can eat a takeaway. If you want a teenager free evening, go out.

I do this a fair bit with my friends, @NoCatsToday.

I am more than happy for their children, or mine if we are here, to come and join us for a bit, and either eat or not. If mine outstay their welcome, I tell them to push off so I can play with my friends. If they don't push off, I tell them they'll have to listen to us talking about sex/menopause/anything else that will send them scuttling away. But I have to say that all our teenagers (who are all 15+) are very good at appearing, chatting/eating, and then going away again without any particular prompting. We have all known one another's teenagers since they were babies/small children, so we actually like seeing them for brief bursts.

I feel your pain @NoCatsToday . It really is ok to prefer a night without the kids around.
I bet other members of your group feel the same. Next time someone suggests eating in, counter suggest going out and be explicit about wanting grown up time. If people feel the same as you, they’ll jump at that.

alternatively, start talking about sex / periods / menopause whenever a teenager appears. Those conversations makes mine run for the hills! 🤣

I’m sure I’ve seen a thread exactly like this semi-recently so either you’re really, really annoyed by this OP, or you have a kindred spirit!

I know what you mean albeit with younger children. I left my kids with a babysitter the other night to go for drinks and a takeaway round a mates house with a few other friends (all mums). The host’s kids were not only still up when we got there, but loudly demonstrating their Lego collection to all who would listen (not many, as we’d all left our own bloody kids at home and just wanted a glass of wine and a gossip in peace)

YANBU!!!

Yanbu. It’s rude.

the hosts have the responsibility for feeding their family and then explaining that they have friends coming round. They are welcome to say hello but not welcome to come down and interrupt.

If the DC had friends round im sure they would be thrilled for the parents to come into the room and join them and start eating all the pizza or whatever.

it’s basic manners.

maybe the hosts give their kids shit food and then get nice takeaway so the kids justifiably want to share what is considered a treat. That’s on the parents to manage, they sound a bit slack.

tbh, I’d just go out and decline these events or just take wine and eat before you leave.

it’s ok to have adult time.

Make sure you're always hosting the events and get everyone to chip in for the food.

Yabu. This is life with teenagers! Normal life where they’re not banished from downstairs.

YABU, you can't order takeaway and don't offer any for the kids. That's cruel.

Do they buy just enough for the adults and as you are eating the teens take it?
Why don't they just order for the teenagers, get them to take theirs and leave you in peace

Who are all these teenagers who seem to enjoy hearing middle aged women talking about the menopause and their marriages? At that age, I couldnt think of anything more tedious to have to listen to. I simply dont believe that teenagers are that desperate to join in the conversation and hang around with a bunch of people their parents age. Its honestly laughable!

I don't know how you get round it with other people's teens, but my own I just do them pizzas/fries etc or order takeaway for them too and they disappear upstairs never to be seen again.

The reference to chat about 'Wimmins things' was tongue in cheek. We're far more likely to be talking about laundry solutions, the demise of the thank you letter and 'at odds to our own' behaviour from Gen Z in the workplace, than HRT or hot flushes.

My point was a more general one in that it changes the conversation and whilst I love my friends to bits I do not feel the same way about their kids so do not want to waste precious time with them. I am the same with any age of child but with on the cusp of adulthood teenagers it is a harder to express without causing offence. So I won't.

Sounds dire. I'd stab them with a fork if they came near my food. (Joke!) If I have an evening with friends, without my kids, I want to spend it with my friends. Having to spend my evening off from kids with other peoples kids would piss me right off.

Well I wouldn’t let my kids do it, I’d get them their own, but I guess you can’t dictate what other people do in their homes.

I hear you op, and I would feel the same.

Teenagers wouldn’t want us to invade their social plans, and they should bugger off and let the grown ups have some fun!

Would put me right off of going too.

Get that life is easier at home but maybe just go out from time to time. Problem solved?

Disagree, if OP wants her rules and approach followed she needs to host. If she’s going to someone else’s house then it’s up that those people. She doesn’t like it, she can choose not to go.