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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to really not want teenagers at the table

360 replies

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:55

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

OP posts:
pomers · 19/04/2023 22:19

I would honestly just go out . You get no privacy at home unless everyone is out or you live alone.

Waitresstime · 19/04/2023 23:14

Offer to get the food next time and get more for the kids if the only problem is the food! How about making conversation with them , you may find they have some opinions about teenagers ( being as you want to discuss teenagers) that you could learn from. I agree with the person who said it’s nice… most teenagers hide away , so it’s good they make an appearance , make the most of it and include them in your chats

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 23:33

Bluebellsarebest · 19/04/2023 21:44

YABU. YABGrinchy. It’s lovely when teenagers are able and want to spend time with their adults, fgs we want them to know and feel they can go to you anytime with anything. They may well need to spend time with you, they’ll have so much going on in their lives and need that stability. My teenagers talk to me do much more now.

Its not about her kids! It's about her friend's kids!

CelestiaNoctis · 20/04/2023 01:12

At least you're at the stage where they're teenagers. I'm having to go to parties and even new years eve where everyone invites their kids between 2-11 years. That's not fun. I didn't want to bring my 2 but felt socially forced. It's been going on for years and when I don't bring my own and they do its so hilariously awkward. "Oh where are the kids" "babysat, we're here to actually have a good time and get drunk" "oh, mumble mumble some bollocks about the kid wanting to come to an adults quiz night" yeah OK. I'm not gonna bring my 8 year old and toddler willingly.

Flippingnora100 · 20/04/2023 06:47

I can totally see how you feel OP. I find it mildly irritating when I host other families and their kids come and sit at the table with the grown ups, instead of at the table with the other kids, where my kids are. I find it a bit presumptuous/oblivious, both on the part of the child and their parent and I would prefer it if the parent told their kid to go back to the other kids.

I think guests should go along with what the host wants. So if it's a meal for adults and kids together, great. If it's separate, that should be the host's decision and kids should have their own food, not be raiding the adults' food. However, I think in life, you have to pick and choose your battles and I don't think it's worth potentially upsetting others over something so minor. Just make it abundantly clear what you want when you're the host.

HoppingPavlova · 20/04/2023 06:54

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Because it’s a separate occasion. Feed the kids earlier, get them out of the way, have an evening with your friends. I don’t see why you find the idea so odd. Okay, maybe it isn’t how you’d do it personally, but it’s not exactly an outlandish idea.

You don’t see how making a whole other dinner earlier, and then ordering take out but only for those that were not forced to eat earlier is odd? Given that we are not talking about little toddlers/kids but fully grown teens?

You don’t see how not just putting extra on the order to feed everyone, and then yelling out ‘dinner is here, come get it’ and giving it to them to take it away and eat somewhere else out of the room you are all in is odd?

I appreciate people all do things differently, but if I went to someone’s house and they ordered food but obviously didn’t order any for their teens (as evidenced by their teens wanting some of what had been ordered), I’d spend ages wondering why they just didn’t simply order food for them. I’ve never had to face these mental gymnastics though as this has never happened whenever I’ve gone to anyone’s house unless the kids have been too young to eat later or lower primary age and not into the food ordered (such as 5yo’s not liking Thai food etc), which is easy to comprehend.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/04/2023 09:40

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:01

I don't resent them for being alive. I resent the fact that they roam free interrupting our fun night in ... and eating all the food.

Show quote history

But it’s their home! You don’t resent them for being alive? How gracious of you! They are eating the food available in their own home with their parents consent. Unless they are taking a portion of food that you have paid for YABU.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 09:42

@HoppingPavlova - You quoted me saying “I don’t see why you find the idea so odd” and then asked if “You don’t see how it is odd?” I don’t know how much simpler I can make it than saying “I don’t find it odd”. Which part confused you?

You talk about “making a whole other dinner” as if I’ve suggested a six-course banquet. It could just be bunging a couple of frozen pizzas in the oven. Similarly, “forced to eat early” is massively overdramatic. I’m not suggesting giving them gruel and dry bread and then chaining them back up to the wall.

I appreciate people all do things differently, but if I went to someone’s house and they ordered food but obviously didn’t order any for their teens (as evidenced by their teens wanting some of what had been ordered), I’d spend ages wondering why they just didn’t simply order food for them.

Then you need to get friends who are better conversationalists. If an evening was so boring that I “spent ages” wondering about something like that, I wouldn’t visit those friends again.

HoppingPavlova · 20/04/2023 12:12

Nope, my friends are good conversationalists. I’d just consider that behaviour to be absolutely and utterly batshit, which would override good conversation. Sticking in some frozen pizza’s when you could just simply add to the order??????

Stoptheworldpls · 20/04/2023 12:22

This is so unreasonable.
I'm sure once your 'friends' find out your opinion, you won't have these worries any more.
More than being an reasonable. Being an AH

Devoutspoken · 20/04/2023 12:26

Jeez, name calling is a bit unnecessary

Pertinentowl · 20/04/2023 12:29

I don’t see why it’s a problem I can manage many different styles of conversations and dynamics in one night. I think most people can . I can switch for a bit and then get back to it.

gettingoldisshit · 20/04/2023 12:32

CelestiaNoctis · 20/04/2023 01:12

At least you're at the stage where they're teenagers. I'm having to go to parties and even new years eve where everyone invites their kids between 2-11 years. That's not fun. I didn't want to bring my 2 but felt socially forced. It's been going on for years and when I don't bring my own and they do its so hilariously awkward. "Oh where are the kids" "babysat, we're here to actually have a good time and get drunk" "oh, mumble mumble some bollocks about the kid wanting to come to an adults quiz night" yeah OK. I'm not gonna bring my 8 year old and toddler willingly.

I agree! People don't seem to understand that not everyone is as enamoured by their kids as they are! I want to see/socialise with my friends not their children!

SchoolTripDrama · 20/04/2023 12:35

The thought of a couple of ‘teenagers’ grabbing a few chips is “eating you up?!” Really??????

SchoolTripDrama · 20/04/2023 12:37

@SeulementUneFois Do NOT ask a teenager how they’re finding their “teenage hormonal changes” FFS!!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

brunettemic · 20/04/2023 13:28

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 16:55

Nonsense. Many houses will have other rooms they can spend time in and many teenagers choose themselves to spend time in their own rooms. If that's going to be a problem (e.g. no other room) then perhaps the social event could be arranged elsewhere - restaurant, someone else's house for example. My teens are very happy to stay in a different room when my friend's visit. I also give them space when their friends visit. They'd be mortified if I sat in the room for any longer than a few minutes when their friends were visiting.

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Choice being the key part of your response. That choice is not something OP is willing to accept people have in their own house.

Housen · 20/04/2023 13:34

Pashy · 18/04/2023 21:00

I think it’s odd that you go into someone’s home and then resent them for living there.

This. YABU

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/04/2023 13:39

HoppingPavlova · 20/04/2023 12:12

Nope, my friends are good conversationalists. I’d just consider that behaviour to be absolutely and utterly batshit, which would override good conversation. Sticking in some frozen pizza’s when you could just simply add to the order??????

The order that’s coming at the time you want the kitchen/dining area to yourself! You could have the kids fed and settled elsewhere by the time your guests are there.

”Simply” adding to the order means paying out for extra food too. Takeaways aren’t cheap. Maybe by not “simply” adding to the order, someone could have another takeaway night with their family on a different evening?

literalviolence · 20/04/2023 14:32

brunettemic · 20/04/2023 13:28

Choice being the key part of your response. That choice is not something OP is willing to accept people have in their own house.

Show quote history

Not at all. If her friends issued and invite saying do you want to come and spend the evening with my teens and our other friends, op can say no thanks, can the teens be elsewhere. The friend can then say that doesn't work for me. That way everyone has had a choice. Inviting someone over and calling it a friends night then welcoming teens for significant periods of time removes OP's choice.

Iwasafool · 20/04/2023 16:57

Can you suggest getting takeaway for the teenagers, if they've been fed a nice wholesome meal they will still want the takeaway and that is probably what is drawing them. I mean you are probably all lovely but I still reckon the food is the attraction.

stayathomer · 20/04/2023 16:59

They will have been fed. Not necessarily takeaway.
I’D arrive at the table if there was takeaway and I hadn’t got to have any!!! But then takeaway!!!!

Devoutspoken · 20/04/2023 17:00

Not sure there's any 'resentment', surely it's more irritation, some exaggeration going on here

Emma2023 · 20/04/2023 17:12

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 21:01

I don't resent them for being alive. I resent the fact that they roam free interrupting our fun night in ... and eating all the food.

Show quote history

Ha, now it’s beginning to sound even worse 😂 I get it but there’s nothing you can do about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ X

polkaday · 20/04/2023 17:13

just dont share your individual pizza/takeaway? simple.

Mumsnut · 20/04/2023 17:19

A friend of mine got married a year or so ago and acquired a step-daughter of 15/16. She instantly started bringing this perfectly nice girl on our girls' nights out. I hate it - it completely changes the dynamic. None of the rest of us would dream of bringing our DDs (who are all in their early 20s, and who we have known pretty much from birth).