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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to really not want teenagers at the table

360 replies

NoCatsToday · 18/04/2023 20:55

..but unable to explain why without being a grinch.

I have teenagers, all my friends have teenagers. This means we no longer need babysitters to go out which is great.

Occasionally one of my friendship group will suggest sharing a takeaway at one of our houses instead of going out. I need to emphasise that it isn't a cost issue. It's just a 'life's easier at home' issue.

I really really hate it when we are sitting around having a good chat, often discussing our teenagers, when these teenagers descend and start picking at our food before we've even finished. I go so far as to ban my own teenagers from appearing on the rare occasion that I am hosting in this scenario. This food picking only happens if we have a takeaway. They steer clear of 'normal' food.

I haven't said anything because the friendship group is precious to me. However the thought of it is starting to eat me up and spoil my potential enjoyment of any evening.

So AIBU and a grinch or should I say something and if so, what?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 19/04/2023 15:19

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/04/2023 14:41

Because it’s a separate occasion. Feed the kids earlier, get them out of the way, have an evening with your friends. I don’t see why you find the idea so odd. Okay, maybe it isn’t how you’d do it personally, but it’s not exactly an outlandish idea.

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Some people just can’t cope with the idea of kids not being first and centre to everything

SarahLucSc · 19/04/2023 15:47

I really like the kids of my friends and they like mine (hopefully!) but there are some who since their kids with toddlers have thought their kids are the best most fascinating people in the world and everyone else is as interested in them as they as parents are. I don’t think they’ll ever change. They’ll probably still think their kids’ company is an enormous treat to bestow on people forever.

I think my children are fascinating and amazing and brilliant company but am under no illusion that everyone else finds them as fascinating and a pleasure to be around as I do.

Coyoacan · 19/04/2023 16:23

I loved my friends' teenagers. My dd refused to spend time with my friends

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 16:55

brunettemic · 19/04/2023 09:16

The question you’re really asking is “AIBU to ask my friends to ensure their teenagers are forced to stay in their rooms when I come round for a takeaway”. And yes, you’re being ridiculous.

Nonsense. Many houses will have other rooms they can spend time in and many teenagers choose themselves to spend time in their own rooms. If that's going to be a problem (e.g. no other room) then perhaps the social event could be arranged elsewhere - restaurant, someone else's house for example. My teens are very happy to stay in a different room when my friend's visit. I also give them space when their friends visit. They'd be mortified if I sat in the room for any longer than a few minutes when their friends were visiting.

Theprincessisblanketed · 19/04/2023 17:03

If you want to have social time away from people (so you can talk about them no less) then you need to do that not in their home.

If your friends invite you to their house then expect all the family to be there, and if that puts you off then don't go.

ShandyQuaffer · 19/04/2023 17:08

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 16:55

Nonsense. Many houses will have other rooms they can spend time in and many teenagers choose themselves to spend time in their own rooms. If that's going to be a problem (e.g. no other room) then perhaps the social event could be arranged elsewhere - restaurant, someone else's house for example. My teens are very happy to stay in a different room when my friend's visit. I also give them space when their friends visit. They'd be mortified if I sat in the room for any longer than a few minutes when their friends were visiting.

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PMSL at the idea of OP telling her friends to ensure that their children stay in another room when she's there for dinner. MN at its most unhinged.

SeulementUneFois · 19/04/2023 17:26

@LudicrouslyCapaciousBag
@Devoutspoken

I thought it was obvious what I meant....how to get running for the hills

SeulementUneFois · 19/04/2023 17:27
  • get them
literalviolence · 19/04/2023 17:43

ShandyQuaffer · 19/04/2023 17:08

PMSL at the idea of OP telling her friends to ensure that their children stay in another room when she's there for dinner. MN at its most unhinged.

Show quote history

Unhinged IMHO and many others to think that adults can never have time away from their kids. She's not 'there for dinner'. She's there to see her friends and no-one is saying the kids can't pop in and say hi. I guess the invitee should just make it clear that the invite is to "come and spend the evening with me and possibly my children" rather than any sort of replacement for an adult night out. Then the invited can decide if they want to go. I wouldn't unless it was a whole family event (i.e. bring my teens too) because for me, it's just not fun.

Pubesofsoberness · 19/04/2023 17:56

I wouldn't mind them popping in to say hello but I dont want to spend my child free time with other people's teens .

Mine wouldn't have hung around all evening as teens , they always understood that I wanted some time with my friends, same as they did when their friends came round . I would have ordered mine their own takeaway though if I was having one.

Some people dont seem to understand that everyone else is not going to be as enthused about spending time with the children as they are and their children are the same. Think everything revolves around them and their opinions 🙄

ShandyQuaffer · 19/04/2023 17:59

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 17:43

Unhinged IMHO and many others to think that adults can never have time away from their kids. She's not 'there for dinner'. She's there to see her friends and no-one is saying the kids can't pop in and say hi. I guess the invitee should just make it clear that the invite is to "come and spend the evening with me and possibly my children" rather than any sort of replacement for an adult night out. Then the invited can decide if they want to go. I wouldn't unless it was a whole family event (i.e. bring my teens too) because for me, it's just not fun.

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My comment wasn't about whether teens should be there- that's obviously personal choice- it was about people suggesting OP asks her friend to ensure they're not there. Personal choice includes her friend getting to choose what goes in her own house.

literalviolence · 19/04/2023 18:17

ShandyQuaffer · 19/04/2023 17:59

My comment wasn't about whether teens should be there- that's obviously personal choice- it was about people suggesting OP asks her friend to ensure they're not there. Personal choice includes her friend getting to choose what goes in her own house.

Show quote history

Of course and personal choice means OP knowing what the actual offer is rather than thinking she's going for a great evening with her friends and actually spending an evening with their teens. I don't think OP is wanting to ensure they're not there per se. She wants to spend time with her friends and it's clear from what she's written that she does not find the kids fascinating and great company. She finds that their presence makes the evening much less enjoyable for her. Each to their own though. I've had friends who've done this and basically I will only meet them at times when it's very clear that their kids are not there - i.e. never at her house and only going out when we're really clear that it's adults only. She has brought kids along to something everyone else understood as adults only once. One of her kids is great but is my kids friend, not mine. The other is a dominating prima donna. Either way, I'm happy to see them at whole family events but sometimes I want a night away from being a parent and that includes not hearing about other kid's GCSE, A levels, school dramas etc. It's my personal choice to have some adult only time.

Ilovecleaning · 19/04/2023 18:19

Nimbostratus100 · 18/04/2023 20:56

YABU - you cant stop teenagers from coming to their own table

I’d say to OP YANBU - but you can’t stop teenagers from coming to their own table 😊

Sennelier1 · 19/04/2023 18:19

I have the impression you really hate for them to eat the food. All teenagers like take-away. Fast-food. Snacks. Is this about you not having enough? Usually take-away portions are ample, most people can eat their fill and still share a bit. But if you want to eat all of your portion yourself, why don't you order the same food for the teenagers then? You say your own children have been fed before your guests arrive but you don't give them the same food? YABveryU

mandlerparr · 19/04/2023 18:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If I am hosting an adult event, I make sure the kids have food and snacks and drinks and tell them to leave us alone.
Of course, if we are hanging in the kitchen, the kids may show up and raid the fridge and ask me stupid questions. Just one of the things you deal with having a small house. This is why men have man caves. i don't think it is a big enough issue to offend friends over though, not everyone has the same expectations of their kids. I think the most I would say is something like, "I come over to spend time with you because I miss you and the teens interrupting takes up a lot of that time. I was wondering if you could ask them to save questions and interruptions for later unless it is an emergency so we can have conversations with each other." Maybe also bring some cheap snacks with or ask the host to provide them for the kids.
I was always let in the adult get togethers because I kept my mouth shut unless directly questioned or if they gave signs they wanted me to join in.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 19/04/2023 18:22

Not quite the same thing, and not yet a teenager, but a group of us met for lunch once - a mixture of friends, ex-colleagues etc - and one arrived with her 10-year-old in tow. The child was asked to sit at the end, asked not to interrupt and given stuff to do (phone or ipad, I can't remember) but of course she could still hear the conversation and it really changed the dynamic. It was made a bit worse by the mother saying "Oh she'll be grilling me about xyz when we get home" so obviously the little pitcher had big ears. A less irritating one was when someone turned up with their baby grandaughter. Fortunately she was a gorgeous well-behaved baby and couldn't understand a word we were saying. 😀

(The 10-year-old was fairly gorgeous too, but I would have preferred to meet her in a different setting.)

Ilovecleaning · 19/04/2023 18:24

This behaviour is a PITA. I’d want to say ‘piss off, kids, this is adult time’. But of course you can’t.
Maybe suggest ordering a bit more for the teens and let them eat it elsewhere? Or make it a point that when the takeaway is at your house that your teens are banned from the adult party.
it spoils the dynamic and is irritating. Other than that I don’t think you can do much unfortunately.

Scotland32 · 19/04/2023 18:41

“To be honest, I’d prefer to eat out. It gives us all more quality time to chat and we aren’t descended upon by teenage gannets!!”

FairyUpLiquid · 19/04/2023 19:37

Expecting a good hammering for this but I am going against the grain and I’m gonna say YANBU. When it comes to food I have no shame. I’m wildly protective over my food I don’t even share my takeaway with my own DP. (DC unbelievably doesn’t like takeaway).
I will happily order/pay extra food for him or others I’m not tight but I don’t participate in the whole “let’s all have a bit of everyone’s dishes”. IF that’s the case I would begrudge it and expect their parents to pay for their own kids takeaway. A lot of teenagers IME eat like adults and if we’re all being honest the majority of teens wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the takeaway. Their parents shouldn’t be tight and should get them some takeaway if they’re happy enough to allow them to get involved. I can’t remember being bothered by any conversations my parents had with their friends growing up, it changes the adult night dynamic and It’s rude to barge in on people eating and start trifling through food before you’ve finished. To me that’s just boundary issues and lack of manners. I would pull up my own DC for such behaviour but this is MN and I’d be labelled selfish, neglectful etc for wanting quality adult conversation without having to mind what I say around other peoples kids but that’s just me.

wentworthinmate · 19/04/2023 19:48

And then they try to take over the conversation. I’m with you OP, go out or stay away, it’s adults evening. We wouldn’t do it to you.

coeurnoir · 19/04/2023 20:16

SeulementUneFois · 19/04/2023 08:04

OP.

Engage with them - the teenagers. Ask them questions about themselves:

  • How are you.
  • how are you finding the teenage hormonal changes
  • How's school.
  • Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
What are they like
  • How are you doing in Maths GCSEs.
  • You really should watch this educational YouTube channel, it really helps with Maths.
  • Are you involved in school debating/politics

Etc etc.

OP definitely do this. It definitely worked on my two when they were teenagers.....

Sent them straight to their rooms in horror 🤣

FootieMama · 19/04/2023 21:13

YANBU, teenagers eat A Lot and their presence takes away your freedom to have adult conversations. When I have friends group at home teens and husband only come to say a polite hello and disapear. I don't tell them to. I reciprocate by not hovering when they have their own friends over.
There are other gatherings where everyone is included but sometimes you want no family around

Bluebellsarebest · 19/04/2023 21:44

YABU. YABGrinchy. It’s lovely when teenagers are able and want to spend time with their adults, fgs we want them to know and feel they can go to you anytime with anything. They may well need to spend time with you, they’ll have so much going on in their lives and need that stability. My teenagers talk to me do much more now.

TenoringBehind · 19/04/2023 22:10

Suggest ordering more so that’s some for the teens to eat too?

i wish my teens wanted to spend time with me!

whynotwhatknot · 19/04/2023 22:10

who pays for the takeaway and why isnt the host just ordering extra for them