To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

[dreamer998]

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

So surely you bring it up to mum, so she can be more careful?

I said it earlier, but you’ve already reported her, so if it was said directly to the child, you’ve done your bit anyway. But I think if it was a genuine case of overhearing, you’re also letting the child down by not making mum aware

If this is true then a very big part of your job should also be not posting about it on the internet. Very unprofessional

Of course people should be careful as to what their children hear.

But that’s not what you were judging. You were judging mum for telling her child yet you don’t know that she did.

As the pp said, ‘You are happy to judge mum as being bad yet you don’t know exactly what happened. Yet you say you can’t judge dad as you don’t know the circumstances.’ You need to sort your logic out.

You jumped to conclusions and that isn’t your job. It’s actually very bad to do this if you work in safeguarding. You were wrong.

Well I told my dd6 that her dad just wasn't very good at being a dad and that's why he doesn't see her, no lie is needed. There is no need to be cruel and hurt/upset the child because of bitterness!!!

I think that's perfect.

I'm absolutely appalled by some of the other posts on this thread. That any parent would think it okay to cause their small child psychological harm to somehow avenge their ex, is almost impossible to believe. Yet here they are, on this very thread.

It’s possible that mum believed the child was asleep. If mum works when is she supposed to talk about stuff? It could have been mum and step dad talking about how to explain to her that her dad didn’t give a shit now she’s pregnant, or once the baby is born and his absence is more obvious.

If you're in a safeguarding role, you really need to ask for more training. Putting something like this on the internet is not a good move.

Why on Earth would you abandon a 5yo? And why should mothers make bullshit excuses for useless exes?

But that's irrelevant you don't emotionally abuse your child because the dad has been a shit dad

I'd have just felt that was honest.

That is an adult evaluation of what a child would feel. But young children feel that everything that happens is their fault. So you have to be careful to be clear it is not. This mother was not. There are lots of examples on here of parents who were careful of their children's feelings while telling the truth - there is no need to lie, but you tell the truth in a careful way. That is why good parents are supposed to be able to put their children's needs ahead of their own. This mother seems to see no need for that - it may be a one off frustration (still damaging but no one is perfect) - except that there is form. As for being judgemental - there is nothing wrong with being judgemental about poor behaviour. Which this is, there is no excuse for this.

@Roundandnour yes.
This might be outing, but basically mum threatened to kill herself and take us with her if he continued to fight for custody. She also started spreading rumours in the community that he'd been abusive in the relationship. She'd made serious attempts on her life previously and he felt it was credible.

He backed down in the sense of agreeing to all her demands for the arrangements (eg level of contact, dates and times, limitations about holidays etc) in return for being able to see us. Bear in mind this was many years ago when dads were rarely afforded much in court.

I later found out that it was common knowledge that my mum was known to have 'issues' ie assumed to have some kind of mental health problem (again, long before there was much support for that kind of thing) My mum lived in a small town and overshared a remarkable amount of info about our lives, so as an adult returning to my home town it was quite easy to find stuff out. I also have several older half siblings on my mum's side who were more aware of what was going on who provided some context.

Poor little girl :( I remember being told things like this by my mum when I was a child and they still pop into my thoughts sometimes. It's a horrible thing to say to a child, whether it's true or not.

There is a legal duty on practitioner's to report all incidents they do not investigate or act on it that decision is made higher up.....but there are plenty of abused and dead children because a child's words or actions were not treated properly. The investigators are the people who support the parents hopefully by intervention before the pattern is established. ....so yes the op is helping the child and the mum....who I'm sure doesn't want to be dealing with issues like a self harming child.

I actually remember feeling it as a child. My mother was always so kind and diplomatic about him, and I just couldn't understand why she was bothering - my siblings and I knew full well, even at 6, 8, 10, that he was not a good man, and that she'd been doing all the heavy lifting our entire young lives. Actually, i remember thinking I wish she'd just call it what it was, not sugarcoat him. He didn't deserve that.

For those people who keep commenting that the OP is judging mum and doesn't understand safeguarding -

The point of safeguarding is not that the OP is blaming mum, comparing mum to dad or trying to spite mum.

The point is that the child has been harmed, regardless of intention, and the OP is worried that if no one intervenes the child will suffer more harm.

Whether it was overhead, an accident or intentional isn't really relevant to the OP - the child has been affected and that's the OPs responsibility to flag up.

In my place of work (nursery), this comment would be addressed with the mother in a private meeting, and links to family support (counselors, etc) would be offered. Safe-guarding protocol might also be looked at.

This is horrific for a child to hear

Same..I'm appalled too, but I'm not surprised. It does rather blow out the water, the idea that all mothers are saints and want the best for their children. They are perfectly happy to use the children as weapons if it suits their agenda.
Yes, there will be men that shouldn't ever be fathers, but there are ways and means to minimise the stress and unhappiness in children. Quite frankly, some mothers shouldn't be parents either.
Parental alienation is a problem that gets ignored and causes so much harm.

And what about her? Is she not allowed to be imperfect occasionally without being harshly judged?

100% this

But OP's posts completely indicate that she's made a judgment about the mother. A very negative one.

Based on what she's disclosed here, she simply doesn't have enough context to know if this represents a pattern of harmful behaviour.

Even if what was said was indeed said to the child, the wider context could be an engaged supportive mum overall. (OP later drip feeds she had other concerns but she didn't, predictably, start with this)

I am in Ireland and safeguarding doesn't operate this way - a chat with mum would be the starting point.

I really can't get over OP's judgment given her apparent professional experience.

I don’t know. In my case that was true and the adults in my life lied to me to make me feel better but all it did was kick the can down the road until I figured it out for myself.

Because as a staff member you don't know if it's true or not so you just report it as it was said. No judgement. There could be other stuff going on that you may not be aware of and that statement could be pivotal.

Yes. I have no issue with her flagging it in the correct way. I’m sure no one else does either.

They do have an issue with the judgement. OP doesn’t know the circumstances yet is fully wearing her judges osnts and jumping to conclusions. That’s not a good trait in a safeguarding job. She does seem to understand not judging when you don’t know the full story though, as she’s said she wouldn’t do they about dad.

OP is clueless.

I did misunderstand. I assumed you meant absent fathers can be good fathers.

The child in the OP is thinking her father doesn't see her because he doesn't care about her. Whereas your father was seeing you, but you chose (I use that loosely because I know it isn't really a choice when you've been manipulated into it) to stop seeing him. That's not the same thing. My point was active and engaged fathers are not absent fathers.

It's all shit though. It is messed up that your father let you be raised by someone who was clearly dangerous and emotionally damaging. You were let down by them both. I really do think he could have done more.

This sounds like something my mum would have said to me in an effort to turn me against my dad. It is so sad. I don’t know how a grown adult than think it’s ok.

fully wearing her judge pants