To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

[dreamer998]

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

There’s a way to talk about dead beat dads and this isn’t it.

@AllOfThemWitches it is both parent's duty, but if the father is a terrible parent, surely it is even more important after divorce that the mother does everything she can to protect her child's mental health and well-being? She is all the child has.

You’re missing the point

And when they ask why they can’t visit or why he doesn’t visit them ?

As Hopping said upthread, 'he is not very good at being a Dad' I would add 'but it is nothing to do with you, you are a great kid and he is missing out'.

Do you have somewhere to log causes for concern- something like cpoms?

I completely agree!

The message is still the same. Dad doesn’t care enough to make time for you.

Would it have been easier for another child to say it? Doesnt your dad care enough about you? Mine does and he’s away a lot… or something of those lines.

How would you deal with your child coming home upset at that response?

One of mine was told this after I told mine dad was away, wasn’t sure where. Which was true didn’t know where he was. He just decided to drive away one day and wasn’t heard of for about 10 years.

People are talking about whether the choice is to lie or tell the truth, but isn't the challenge always about how to be honest while also protecting our children? Ask an adoptive parent (I am one, as well as being a single parent and the daughter of a man who pissed off and never looked back). Our children have real horrors in their backgrounds that we have to help them come to terms with, not once but over a lifetime.

We have to raise our children with no secrets, while keeping the information age appropriate (some things can never be age appropriate). We have to not demonise the birth parents, because adopted children feel so much inherited shame. But also we can't lie and say there were no problems, because then how can the child understand why they had to be taken away? It is hugely challenging and it never stops. It is a million miles beyond 'what lie would you prefer?'.

Nothing the mother can say is going to make it easier. - no, but she does not have to make it worse at a time when children are completely ego centric by implying that there is something about the child not worth being cared about. Children do not understand things in the same way adults do. Good parents know that.

@Beachbreak2411 a very big part of my job is to protect and safeguard children. A five year old was very upset today because of comments made by her mother, so yes it needed reporting, especially as this is not the first incident involving this child. My job is not to give parenting lessons

That's awful. That poor child.

I'd be logging it at my primary school, word for word, btw. See if there's a pattern developing at home....

Your code of conduct permits you to post details of a conversation you’ve raised as a safeguarding issue on the internet? Really?

I’d really consider whether this post fits with your professional ethics.

I don’t see what her having a partner/being pregnant has to do with anything.

In fact, if she’s got a decent partner now, might make it even more apparent how useless her ex is, and more likely to rant on the phone to someone about how he doesn’t give a shot about his child.

She shouldn’t say it directly to her child, but she might have just overheard which is unfortunate, but not abusive.

I’d need more info before I judged.

It does not need to be a lie at all!

Your father is a useless selfish man who seems to be uncontactable and unreliable. He does not know what a wonderful time he is missing because you are awesome to be around. I love you so much.

This is not pretty, but it puts the blame on the father not turning up. He does not love you or care about you is far too strong and the child may start wondering if it was because something they did.

Why am I getting comments asking if I have reported the father? Report him for what? I know absolutely nothing about him or the situation. I can only report on what I have seen and heard.

Let the dad fail as a parent. The mother doesn’t have to rub it in.

Particularly the level of judgment the OP has demonstrated towards the mother. She’s taken the child’s word and made assumptions based on this about the mother but has been kind enough not to make assumptions about the father.
If any mother did this, it is categorically wrong but the father is absent and that is abusive and harmful too. Poor child.

It sounds like it's an unusual thing to come across in your job, you've given details about mums personal life, I'd be careful about that in case it puts your job at risk,

It's probably total coincidence but my five year old niece overheard her Mum talking to me on the phone after a very hard emotional day with her kids. She's never once told her children their father doesn't care, she's lied for him ever since they've split, she needed some emotional support late last night and was telling me she wishes she could make their Dad care and was upset that he doesn't seem to love his children, because it's heartbreaking for her seeing how hurt their children are and my 5 year old niece has overheard that. She's also in a new relationship.

My sister feels like shit and is beating herself up for it, my niece came home from school and told my sister she had cuddles off her teacher and also her lunchtime supervised because she was sad that daddy don't care, she said her lunchtime superviser said daddy does love her.

I really hope her teacher/lunchtime supervisor isn't making assumptions and starting threads about her, she feels like like utter shit as it is. My niece would be telling the truth when she said "mummy said" but it's not accurate that she told her in the way you're presenting it, she overheard after waking up sneaking downstairs for Easter Eggs she'd been told no for earlier.

My sil is also in a new relationship but doesn't mean she's not upset seeing her children's feelings trampled all over time and time again by their father. I worked with children for a long time and would be I trouble posting about individual children and their families like this.

I totally agree . I know two families where this was said and it causes long term damage . And in one case it was not true and the child found out when they were older . Most of the time problems are between the parents and then the children get dragged in . Those words are awful . If the father is that bad let the child learn as they grow up .

Did you mention it to the mother?

Id give her the benefit of the doubt, that the child has overheard her talking to someone else, and she can talk with her.

If she said it to be spiteful to her daughter, well, you’ve already reported it, but it could have been a genuine mistake, speaking to her and letting her know would give her the opportunity to discuss with her daughter, as she might not know her daughter knows

But the mother is happily in a new relationship with a baby on the way, so definitely not 'upset'

🙄

Your posts are laced in judgment of the mother, OP.

I do not agree that those exact words are reasonable or fair to say to a 5 yo, of course not.

However, one statement cannot be taken as a true indication of how this mother parents, or as PPs have said, whether the mum said this or in fact the child had picked it up indirectly or overheard, for example.

I do not agree with lying to children - my own DC have sadly had to deal with a highly emotionally abusive father. No, I wouldn't say this exactly, but I've been honest about his lack of capacity as a parent, that this doesn't reflect on them & they need to trust their own judgment & believe in themselves 💯 (I also did everything I could to support any element of their relationship, regardless of my feelings towards their father.).

The idea that a parent shoud directly lie as suggested by a PP ('That she's the apple of her dads eye, but he can't see her at the moment because he's working away.') I think is really wrong. I can honestly say I've never lied to them in these matters, but of course that doesn't mean telling them everything at an age when they are too young either.

That is your adult interpretation of what has been said, not a five year old's.

How old was your child when another child told them that dad doesn't care about you (I'm guessing older than 10 years old)?

Parents (whether mum or dad, because some mums do walk out too), need to be thinking how to support their child, how to explain it in an age appropriate way, so the child won't feel it's their fault.
[This might mean parents not answering the question straight away in order to think about the best way to respond. So empathising with the emotion, distraction to buy time, then answer.]

There could be a very valid reason for this, you do realise that?

Who knows which is worse? Being told the truth age 5, or the gradual realisation throughout her childhood that her dad doesn’t care about her. Ultimately it is the dad’s lack of love that will damage her, not the mum’s honesty.

I’m now waiting for the message - the op has asked for this to be deleted because they’ve realised how outing it is to them.