To be absolutely heartbroken by this comment made by a 5 year old

[dreamer998]

My job involves working with kids. Today, a teary eyed little girl told me this: "I don't see my daddy because mummy said that he doesn't care about me and doesn't want to bother with me"

Why on earth would you tell this to your 5 year old child?! Haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Made me want to cry 😢

So sorry to hear that, this is one of the things that makes me so sad for the children of these parents who do not reflect on how much it hurts and disappoints a child when they are often let down. I remember my son pacing the street looking for his dad and crying when he didn't show, I just cannot fathom letting down any child in this way, let alone my own flesh and blood, My ex is on to partner number 4 after leaving me, he did have a vasectomy thank heavens!

that he was not a good man, and that she'd been doing all the heavy lifting our entire young lives

Great, and you knew it was about HIM and not about YOU. Which this poor child will not given the language that was used to her.

. I wonder how some would have responded with child logic - well if he cared why isn’t he here and list names of people who cared enough.

I can’t believe some people are defending the mother here. Insane.

Cannot believe some are judging without knowing the context of the conversation. Different thing telling the child directly or a child over hearing something mum said to another person don’t you think?

It shocking isn't it 😢

I would too. There is absolutely no justification for deliberately causing one's child psychological harm.

Go onto the stately homes thread to discover just how damaged adults can be by the actions of their parent when they were small.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad…

Some parents don’t deserve to be parents. No 5 year old needs to hear an adult narrative from a bitter parent. Decent people would put the child first and protect them from this sort of spite.

Different thing telling the child directly or a child over hearing something mum said to another person don’t you think?
Very very different.

@BadNomad I don't disagree, I think he could have done more. I think it would have been different if it happened today, I think back then he was a bit clueless. But we were for example told things like 'well I told him you were ill last weekend he could have come round to try and see you but he didn't bother' when in fact mums boyfriend had threatened to batter him if he turned up at the door and he didn't want to have it out with him on the doorstep. So from our perspective we thought he chose not to see us as much as we 'chose' not to see him.
So there we didn't see him for long periods and he was trying and failing to be an active parent.

I'm not assuming this is the case here, just that the OP doesn't have the info to go on to know the context (and aware that it may not be ops role to ask those questions)

The best explanation is to tell a child that the absent parent is sick/mean/not very responsible. This sends the message that the problem is with the absent parent and not the child.

This little girl has been made to feel that she isn't good enough for the dad to be interested in her from the sounds of things, so mum has got the explanation wrong even if she did want to tell the child the truth.

Op if a child said this to me my response would be something like "well I don't understand that at all because you are so lovely and so much fun." And speak to the mother later on.

Really sad.

But OP doesn’t know the mum TOLD her. She’s jumped to conclusions. 🤯

Honestly if I were to speak to the mum I might report what you said and say 'I understand you might have said that when you were feeling low and frustrated, but I wanted to let you know it's had an impact on her'. I'm not judging the mum - we can't know if she said it because she's an insensitive cow, or because she's been pushed to the limit by a shitty ex partner and blurted out the wrong thing in a moment of utter frustration. Or indeed if the little girl somehow misunderstood something?

op, there is no test to make sure you’re an intelligent decent person capable of parenting before you are able to conceive. Which means small children are sometimes treated like this, and those parents can’t grasp why it’s wrong. This thread shows it. Speaking to the mother is pointless. She lacks the ability to understand why this is very wrong.

Actually, @Bambooflowers, many parents can be helped to understand how their actions and words impact their children.

Just like some lack the ability to understand they haven’t got all the info needed. Like if it was said directly or if the child overheard a conversation.

If your child heard a conversation like this wouldn’t you want to know?

Don’t schools let parents know anymore if their child was upset in school? Even more so if it was all day?

Do you think she should have said that he was dead? Or works for MI5 and is currently undercover? 🙄

Fine, you reported it in case the mother has handled it badly. But I don’t think - not knowing the actual conversation - that you needed to come on here for a bit of badmouthing and drama.

Very different.

A relative of mine was called into school as her child had said something similar to a teacher. As it turned out my relative had said the comment to another mum in the class who she was friends with. (Not when kids were present) This woman told her husband. The friends child overheard and said it to my relatives child. My relatives child was upset and repeated the comment to the teacher.

My relative had only ever said things like ‘daddy is very busy’ or ‘he works so much he doesn’t have any spare time’ to her child to explain why daddy wasn’t in her life.

Thank goodness there was no judgey safeguarding person jumping to the wrong conclusions.

Wow! The amount of replies on here saying the child should know the truth and that the mother is not at fault are just mind boggling to me. A five year old child should never know their parent doesn't give a shit about them. There is age appropriate ways around being blunt with a child or putting them in the middle of adult disputes.

This child could have been told a white lie for the time being that daddy is busy or that isn't around but loves them so much. The child will make their own mind up in time about the absent parent without the other parent inadvertently hurting them too.

My child has been through the wringer with their dad who chose to abandon them completely without warning a few years ago. Not once have I ever told my child that their dad does not want to know. I protected their feelings by telling them their dad loves them very much, they just don't know how to show it/he is busy/etc. Eventually my child made their own mind up about their dad and now no longer wants anything to do with him if he were to get back in touch. (Part of me thinks this is just the hurt talking but they are adamant they want nothing to do with him because of the way they have been treated and I don't blame them).

I'm not saying it is easy because it isn't. My heart hurts for my child and the way they have been cast aside but I cannot force their father to step up and be the person they need. I can only shield my child from further harm, and try to do the job if two loving parents rolled into one.

Hopefully someone can reach out to this mum to help guide and support her to be more emotionally aware of her child's needs and how to support them in a more age appropriate way.

Thank goodness there was no judgey safeguarding person jumping to the wrong conclusions.

Yawn. The OP is reporting it to safeguarding so they can make an assessment and offer help if needed. In that situation your relative found out so the teacher must have checked it out with her - same thing. Sometimes it is a misunderstanding and that is all that is needed. Sometimes safeguarding makes the right conclusions, which is that there is poor or harmful parenting. And the people judging OP (which seems to be ok) and dissing safeguarding are probably the same ones who will posting about how awful Social Services when another scum bag parent or step parent kills a child. You dont have to physically abuse a child to damage them, and neglect and this kind of emotional abuse is incredibly damaging to children.

I hope you reported that via the correct channels? That emotional abuse

OP was right to report, any sensible person would agree. But she was wrong to jump to conclusions. It’s very simple.

This is all true. But it's interesting that you're unwilling to cast aspersions upon the absent father just in case but completely accept that the mother is perfectly happy with her baby on the way, insinuating she's just more than happy to upset her own child.

Did you even bother to talk to her at pick up? Or did you just report it as safeguarding?

Absolutely report via the appropriate channels.

I've had to report things for safeguarding myself and have been heartbroken by some of the things I've seen, I get support from colleagues, op says she's not worried about her job, I didn't even discuss individual cases with friends and family , reporting is the correct thing to do, starting threads online, inviting judgement on the mum from strangers who don't have the facts isn't.

For example, I'm assuming it's just coincidence and OP isn't the person who consoled my niece who I mentioned in my previous post but if she was the same person, and my family sees this thread, what would it feel like seeing people call you a shit mum, neglectful and abusive after the so called professional who works with your child is making threads about you, telling people about your mental health and presenting you as neglectful abusive way when you're already feeling like a piece of shit.

So yes, op should report as part of safeguarding but I would never dream to start a thread like this about children I work with, even when I know one hundred per cent the child has been abused. It's so unprofessional and nothing to do with safeguarding. It's gossiping and judging.

It’s bloody MN, isn’t it? It’s been a revelation to me how many arseholes there are in the world.