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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was my DM re day out

130 replies

Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 15:42

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 15:42

Apologies for the lengthy post!

OP posts:
Buzzer3555 · 17/04/2023 15:45

She sounds like hard work. I feel for you because you are obviously doing your best.

TokyoSushi · 17/04/2023 15:46

It sounds like you do a heck of a lot for your DM, I don't think you were being unreasonable.

ThreeRingCircus · 17/04/2023 15:49

No, I don't think you were unreasonable and it sounds like you see her loads. If she knew you had arrived at 11am to head out because you had other commitments in the afternoon and she wasted that time faffing around rather than actually spending time with you then she has to understand that you're going to feel rushed and be having one eye on the clock.

I don't think either of you should have shouted, but it does sound like she was being hard work.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 15:49

So she's been alone since her mid 30s?
How long have you been running after her like this? It sounds like a 'learned helplessness' from her, where she sees herself as someone who is vulnerable and needs centered and looked after, so anything that doesn't do this is unfair in her eyes.
Is she recently retired? Has she been in the working world as she doesn't sound very clued in with modern life and the demands.
You say she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. that may be true but is it only as long as her needs are being prioritised?

Coffeeandchocs · 17/04/2023 15:50

She sounds like incredibly hard work. If I’d been rushing my Mum in a garden centre because I had other commitments that day she may be a bit peeved but it certainly wouldn’t result in a massive bust up.
I’d have a frank conversation with your mum, tell her that you enjoy her company so want to spend time with her but that you have various other commitments too that she needs to understand will often take priority.

Floralnomad · 17/04/2023 15:52

Sounds like my MIL , who is fit and in her 90s , nothing is ever good enough and most weekends my husband just comes home moaning about how difficult she is .

FadedRed · 17/04/2023 15:54

You are doing a lot more for your DM than most people IMHO, even when my old DM was pretty much housebound, I was only going over twice a week, for a couple of hours after work, and calling at the shop on the way over.
Trouble is the more you do, the more it becomes ‘normal’ and the more your DM alienates her friends, the lonelier (and more demanding) she becomes.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/04/2023 15:57

She is not kind if she is not considering you have other commitments and priorities, she is not kind to ignore that you're stretched already helping your own nuclear family as it is and expecting more than you can give.
She is not a kind person, she is being entitled and rude.
People like that can get a taxi.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 17/04/2023 15:58

When you have a bit of time and are both feeling calm, sit her down and explain why, if you say 11am, it needs to be 11am-ish. Communication is key.

Iloveacurry · 17/04/2023 16:00

You sounds like a wonderful daughter to your DM. She unfortunately does sounds quite demanding, especially as you say, she expects a whole day out and her weekly pick up and drop off when out with her friends. Why can’t she get a taxi occasionally?

Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 16:01

@Coffeeandchocs i tried the talk but it escalated, and just became horrible

@MichelleScarn shes been on her own since she was 40, so 35 years. It’s not helplessness as she’s independent but there is an expectation that she should be ‘looked after’ which can be anything or nothing depending on her mood. She seems to miss the idea of a husband and wants us to fill this role, it’s tricky.
its not that she gives expecting back - it’s that she gives and whoever receives this kindness must accept this on her terms and be extremely grateful. She often ends up disappointed

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Daleksatemyshed · 17/04/2023 16:02

I expect your DM wants a day out as in the whole day and she doesn't like being fitting in around everything else. I had the same problem Op in as much as my DM forgot how busy life can be and expected a phone call every day at the same time, she used to call me most put out if I was 10 minutes late.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/04/2023 16:02

She's hard work but it sounds like she might be really afraid of being alone. That causes demanding behaviour and also "testing" people, which drives them away and reinforces the fear... do you think that's a possibility?

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 17/04/2023 16:03

You say you have a SIL, is this your brother's wife? Does he do as much as you do?
For what it's worth, I think you do way too much for her! Why does she need to go to the garden centre every week?

Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 16:04

@FadedRed This is my worry, she went on holidays with friends earlier this year and it ended with some bad feeling.I am sure it wasn’t all mum but it seems that everyone disappoints her and she gets pissed off, yet she refuses to consider that everyone can’t be wrong !

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2023 16:05

Your mother is a selfish, self-absorbed pain in the arse. She clearly has no respect for you, your time, and all of the responsibilities you have for your own family.

I would be taking a HUGE step back.

OhmygodDont · 17/04/2023 16:06

Honestly If she wasn’t actually ready I’ve of had the tea at her house and then left after the hour.

Shes got to remember you are also busy and have other plans. You call in multiple times a week so you don’t neglect her. She says your sil is better than you so clearly she must also be calling in multiple times so she’s not left alone for weeks on end. She’s just got I am so important mentally that people should want to spend so so much time with her and her plans with you should be the most important.

waterrat · 17/04/2023 16:08

Fitting in a trip like that around kids/ sport etc every week sounds totally unrealistic for most people!

Could you explain to her that your children are the priority and they are time demanding - and that perhaps instead of taking her out (which she could do herself) - she could come to you more often?

sometimes there is no way other than the truth - and the truth here is you simply cannot meet that level of demand. It won't help her to try and sugar coat that - most parents would aboslutely not be able to do that!

Theturtlethatcried · 17/04/2023 16:09

She’s sounds hard work - plenty of women in their seventies still in good health are babysitting grandchildren and helping their daughters out not the other way around! I love my mother and we have a great relationship but my priority is my kids, I couldn’t possibly see her three times a week just because that’s what she wanted.

Yes it’s nice to see your Mum socially but being her taxi service etc is smothering and needy and I absolutely would find that a burden. For an elderly and frail parent I’d do it in a heartbeat, for a still fully competent adult I’d expect them to maintain friendships and relationships with other people and call a taxi sometimes!

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 16:09

Being not ready is her controlling you. Don’t let her.

Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 16:09

@SmallAngryPenguinWoman It’s my brothers wife and her mother. My SIL does an enormous amount for her DM, but probably not much more than I do.
Shes big into home and garden improvements and enjoys these kind of trips. I don’t mind going but 2 hours is plenty I think .

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl I think you are right in some ways but it’s hard to know what the answer is. She feels absolutely everyone else is doing her a wrong. No matter how hard I try I can’t get her to examine her own actions

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waterrat · 17/04/2023 16:11

If she won't listen then you just have be assertive with your own boundaries and accept she won't like it.

Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 16:14

@waterrat She feels my kids are 12 , 14 and 15 so should be more self sufficient. She complained about my 12 years old calling me too often when I am at DMs house !
DM doesn’t like to call in often as on one occasion we were both on calls (WFH) and couldn’t talk so she ‘feels unwelcome’

@Theturtlethatcried She used to mind my DC 3 days a week (paid fully as childminder) after she gave up her work.

I think part of the challenge is that WFH and the kids getting older meant that she doesn’t feel as part of things any more

OP posts:
Original poster
Happypoppies · 17/04/2023 16:15

waterrat · 17/04/2023 16:11

If she won't listen then you just have be assertive with your own boundaries and accept she won't like it.

I will need to do this but feel incredibly guilty

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