Or was my DM re day out

[Happypoppies]

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

YANBU. Just stop running around after her. She is obviously perfectly capable of getting taxis to go out.

She could get taxis
She could make her own friends and go out with them
But she likes to be dependent on you
Can you encourage her to start joining things like U3A, WI, volunteer in a charity shop or a hospital, whatever she fancies, but get there under her own steam and start being sociable with others? I know the answer's going to be 'no'.
You have become her transport and entertainment 'husband'. Not sure how you get out of this role. Unless you get her on an oldies dating site?!😂

@Hbh17 the thing is I don’t begrudge the lifts - it’s just her anger at any attempt to be back for an activity or have a set time.

Hmm. I'm sure she can be lovely, but much like my mother she is both very giving and very needy, and the giving has strings attached that don't appear until the good deed is done. "Would do anything for anyone" then tends to translate as "everyone should do anything for me when I need it and I don't ask often and I'm no trouble and why can't I be prioritised for once when I do so much for everyone else". She sees herself as a martyr / victim. It's exhausting OP, and yes you'll feel guilty (that's how these mothers operate) but the only way is to put up boundaries.

If I’m completely honest I can see both sides of the coin here. My MIL is also mid 70’s and there seems to be a “switch” where a lot go from being fiercely independent and “fine” to struggling. It’s like they forget what life was like when kids were younger and you are juggling work and other commitments as well. It often seems to be the case when people have been retired for sometime. My MIL also lives alone since many years and is used to coming and going exactly when it suits her. That’s fine, but in reality she’s now extremely forgetful and quite disrespectful to others needs. She has all the time in the world, why should you not spend the day taking it at her pace? That’s how my MIL comes across to me - she often phones me mid dinner and can hear the chaos in background but needs help with something that can help, like a spam email, immediately because it’s on her mind NOW.

Having said that, my MIL has shared how lonely it is getting old, that you often feel like an after thought and that she feels she doesn’t have many years left so surely we should prioritise her while she is here. I’ve called her on it (in a sympathetic way) and asked if she was able to think like that when the kids were younger and she has a household to run, kids to see to and full time employment? Don’t forget they’re also from a generation where they didn’t have the pressure of mobile phones and constantly being reached- I’ve often said to her “it’s great you can always reach me when it’s urgent for you, but things that are urgent for you can’t trump things that are urgent for me at all times. I’m always happy to help when I have a moment, but you do need to wait for that moment to arise!”

It’s difficult OP… I’m dreading getting to that age, it seems utterly miserable. In so many cases they become a worry to their children. Once they’ve got to the “woe is me” and everything has a negative spin, well, it’s hard to make them see otherwise. My MIL received a free brand new kitchen recently, something I could only dream about!!, and … forget it. Because her entire focus was how early the work men arrived in the morning, the fact that they dragged leaves and dirt into the hallway and that the colour scheme wasn’t what she’d been promised. I try to keep my distance a bit now for my own sanity because we were driving each other nuts.

@Bluetrews25 Thats a great idea - I might actually try it all jokes aside.
She definitely feels we ‘owe’ her and therefore should take the partner role . I don’t think anyone would match up though.

She doesn’t like groups or women, clubs or committees so all that is out

@Vallmo47 You sound incredibly kind and I do feel sorry for my DM hence why I do make the effort. She is caught in spiralling negativity and I don’t see a way out unless she can start seeing the positive in life

I feel for you. She's very entitled. Part of the problem here is she doesn't drive. She's 70+ now so learning would be a challenge but she could have done this earlier if she really wanted to. I dont have a problem with someone not driving but its riles me when it falls to others to accomodate this. I'd be annoyed watching someone faff about for an hour. I'd also be midly irritated if she regularly changed the arrangements. She didnt suddenly 'need' something from the garden centre, shes deliberately hung on until you came because she doesnt want to get a bus/taxi. You are not her personal taxi service. Also, why is it down to you to arrange stuff. Would you prefer her to come to yours occasionally instead - then you can put a laundry load in and she could meet the kids. I have a relative who's very chosey on timings so will eg want 11 to 4 on a Saturday.
They'll often say I never see AB or C but decline to do anything in the evening because they like 'their programs'.
Personally I'd 'risk' a fall out by getting across what I really felt. It will upset up but that doesn't mean your wrong. Of course you don't want her fo feel shit about herself but stop acting like a lady in waiting. Next time she says 'l thought we could pop into the garden centre next Sunday when you visit' either 'correct her' and say ' so you want me to give you a lift to the GC then' or offer her alternatives , Mum I'm going to GC weds after work. Do you want me to pick anything up for you? Also stop making these visits the default setting so you feel you need to 'excuse' yourself. Say, would you like to go out for tea Thursday as I won't be over Saturday.when she asks what you're doing Saturday say honestly 'I'm not sure yet. I've just realised I've not had a day to myself for ages so I'm gonna do exactly what I want. Maybe visit 'old friend", pop into X or even just laze about in my PJs.
In many ways you've bought into this and fanned the flames of entitlement.

Then she needs some CBT
'You can't change the situation, but you can change your attitude to it'
Want to feel negative and bitter all the time? No? Then start training yourself to think positive.

This is the crux of the problem. I think you need to be completely calm but firm, "mum, I'll be there at 11. Happy to do whatever you need or want to do but I have to be on my way by 14:30" then just quietly stick to it.

The problem is that she wants to be the centre of your life and you have other comittments so that's not practical.

Does your brother do even half as much as you do for her? Or is that "women's" work?
I'll bet he doesn't, and she doesn't expect it.

@SmallAngryPenguinWoman he does less but gets a similar reception when he does anything at all. So he’s somewhat given up

Does she delay more when she knows you are busy to keep you hanging around? It sounds quite planned.

The thing is, she doesn't get to decide "she isn't a burden," to people - that's up to them to decide!

Demanding hours (or a day?) of someone's time at a weekend, when they are busy and have commitments IS a burden. She needs to realise that you have other people in your life as well.

She does sound very hard work.

She thinks your children are not self sufficient enough and your 12 yr old calls you too much?

Does she not understand irony?

I'd match your brother like for like on attending to her, she is really something else, you have nothing to feel guilty for and you are not her parent or partner, she needs to realise this.

Can you phone her about 30 mins before hand (or just before you leave your house, whichever is appropriate) and reminder her that you will be with her at such-and-such a time and will she be ready? If she says no, then you can re-arrange.

She doesn't see it, but it is rude behaviour to arrange a time to be picked up then keep you waiting. Occasionally is OK, we all run a bit late sometimes, but not every time, that is not fair on you.

Could you also take the opportunity, when she makes comments about your kids, to say something like "Maybe they could be less demanding mum - but it must be in their genes - what about when you constantly keep me waiting? If they did that you would soon be telling me I shouldn't put up with it. They take after you"

She wants children to be more self sufficient but yet expects you to be her taxi driver?
If I make plans with my mum regardless of who is driving we are ready on time. It's a courtesy. If one of us has other plans later in the day or commitments then we make sure we don't interfere with those commitments.
No wonder she's lonely, she seems entitled and rude. If she treats her friends the same way as she treats you it will be the reason she is lonely.

She thinks she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden? I think she asks for a lot and is encroaching on burden territory. I think you need to stand your ground and if she falls out with you so what? You give an awful lot and seem like a very good daughter but don’t overdo it to the detriment of your own well-being.

Very perceptive post. It's hard when a person is not a priority in anyone's life, especially when those people are children who have always been prioritised. I imagine the anger at being rushed is because she feels like she's an obligation rather than a priority. Not saying this is right, but it is understandable.

I have a much-loved relative who, for various reasons, has become insecure and needy which can result in sniping and anger if they feel they're not treated kindly. Its not easy to talk to them about it rationally so I find the easiest thing to do is to ignore the behaviour, remain calm and civil. In doing so, I maintain appropriate boundaries without causing further offensive or pandering to unreasonable behaviour.

I don't think you were unreasonable but I do believe she will have got the message now and be more ready in future.

You've got the patience of a Saint OP.

She sounds like a spoilt child who has a tantrum when she can't get her own way.

The fact she falls out with lots of people,speaks for itself.

Take a leaf out of your brothers book and step back....work on your FOG....fear.. ...obligation..guilt.

@QueenSmartypants i think this is probably what I should have done. Like with toddlers, reward the good, ignore the bad.

• She constantly makes the conversation to be about her
• Brags about your achievements to others, but rarely validates or acknowledges you personally
• Blames others for any problems you may have that stem from her behavior
• Is well-liked and important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking
• Makes you feel bad for not doing what she wants immediately
• Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much she does for you
• Harshly opinionated at home but puts up a front for people she dislikes
• Ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything she can to be on top
• Makes you feel anxious and often lowers your confidence

Ring a bell? Grabbed from a page on narcissistic mothers. Yours sounds very like mine and learning this new term for a difficult relationships with my mother has helped.

Am I reading your OP correctly?
You give her a weekly lift to a friend.
You give her a weekly/fortnightly lift to the hardware shop.
You visit her twice a week for short visits.
You see her at the weekend as well.
You take her in holiday with you.

And she thinks you don't do enough? You're seeing her five times a week!! That's loads. Way too much in my opinion. I wouldn't be able to fit that in. She's being very unreasonable.

There’s nothing more irritating than people who dither and faff for ages after they’re supposed to have been ready. Especially when they don’t have much else to do! A friend of ours was notorious for it. I swear he did it on purpose - because he could, and he enjoyed making us wait.

I’d tell her (calmly) that because you do have other important commitments, she really must be ready on time. If she goes into a massive sulk, so be it - personally I’d ignore. Easier said than done, I know, but it does tend to work.