Or was my DM re day out

[Happypoppies]

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

My dm is very similar. She's been on her owen for 30 plus years. Feel I've got to give her my all. Feel guilty if I'm on a night out or weekend away, says that she should be included. She was in a mood as I worked easter Sunday and Monday, I'm a nurse and there's not much I can do about it. It's exhausting x

You sound saint like tbh. I couldn’t put up with that treatment. Thing is, she’s in her seventies so is unlikely to change. So if you don’t want to carry on in the same way, you have to change. Tell her when you’re free and if it’s not convenient for her, then you’ll see her some other time. Don’t get angry-just tell her you need to be somewhere else so you have to go now and leave without a backward glance. What are you feeling guilty about? The guilt is making you dance to a manipulative tune. You love her-accept her weaknesses but you needn’t let them affect you so much. If she doesn’t like it-too bad.

You can only do so much in your week and most people work. Im not responsible for my mams social life. I hate the sly jibes so I dont rise to it. A saturday visit is plenty as I hate the negativity.

It’s not for Op to address her loneliness though and fill gaps due to to preference for no partner/volunteering/hobbies. Op’s mum could have lots in her life if she chose to. By dismissing everything as not for her it’s leaving huge amounts of time that it’s not Op’s role to fill.

I would not go round so regularly but when you do go round make a day of it.

I am a bit like your mother in that the idea of formal clubs like the WI or the golf club fills me with dread and a feeling of making me want to run in the opposite direction.
My friends just keep getting older and older in their ways whilst I still want to party in Ibiza on an 18-30s holiday.

I don’t really do all the girly stuff like hair and make up and shopping for handbags
I went to a home/Christmas type thing show with my friends and wandered around feeling really bored looking at jewellery and make up.

Saw they had a diy section and wandered off to look. I was in my elements till friends found me admiring an electric drill.🤣

They just couldn’t get their head around that I found looking at ladders and drills more interesting than looking at handbags and bracelets

Personally I would rather have a full day out a few times per year than a couple of hours each week under pressure to do things quickly because the other person has to get back to do something else.