Or was my DM re day out

[Happypoppies]

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

Let the dust settle for now. Next time you are together perhaps say something along the lines of ‘I understand how upset you felt on Sunday and I felt upset too. In future I’ll call/text you when I’m leaving so you can be ready to go when I arrive. That way we can enjoy the time we have together. I’m at that point when I’ve got to meet the needs of so many people and all of them are important including you. Do you think that will be helpful?’

And don’t forget to carve time out for yourself. As the owner of a glass half empty mother you do have to accept that she’s never going to be a sunny soul. But you don’t have to run rings around her trying to give her the impossible.

Op you sound great. I dont do all that. But learnt hard way was all on her terms. I cant be out all day have my own stuff to do too. They get so entitled.

I was sympathetic with your DM until this: "She doesn’t like groups or women, clubs or committees so all that is out". It sounds like she doesn't have a social life and is expecting you to provide all of that company and interest but that's impossible and also not appropriate really. Does she have interests? Gardening might be one. Are there are social things relating to her interests you could go along with her to initially and then see if she might go herself? Sometimes I wonder if people lose confidence in how to make friends or talk to strangers but getting over that first bump they might find it coming more naturally than they imagine.

The faffing about could also be due to getting older and maybe just taking a bit longer over those things. That wouldn't matter as she has a lot of time, but you don't so it's difficult for you. The trouble is you are at very different points in life which is why she needs some friends at similar points in life to enjoy excursions, coffees and getting out and about with. I'd look into if there are any ways of encouraging her to do that even if you have to go with her the first couple of times.

She at least has a night out with friends. But uses you for lifts? Does she has money for a taxi? Or could one of them not give her a lift? I think it would be better if you did less of this sort of thing and cut down on the number of visits but made them higher quality and maybe just a bit more relaxed? Always rushing to fit things in and meeting her expectations must take a toll on you.

Fuck me, you’re seeing her many times a week! Of course you have kids and have to work.
Her friends can drive her or she can learn to drive. Start saying when you arrange a meet up “I have to leave at X for X” so she knows she can’t just make it last a whole day

She sounds hardwork. I assume she doesn’t do groups/activities as she would be called out on her behaviour.
Her not being ready and changing plans is rude.
Can you control more eg meet her somewhere she can get to on bus.
Is her coming more to you an option eg I’m on lunch 12-1 why don’t you come over then at 1pm you log back on.
You aren’t her social life. She could be out and about if she wanted. My mum is late 70s and on a coach holiday with her neighbour this week.

She does not sound "independent" - she does not drive and expects you to take that on for her.

I am not in the first flush of youth and all my friends are 50s to 90s and they all drive. Occasionally one falls by the wayside as far as driving is concerned due to unforeseen circumstances and we all rally round and help out. None of us expect our AC to be ferrying us around. This stood out for me: makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends - it is down to her to make arrangements for her own outings with her own friends. She should not expect you to do this. Can she not get a lift from one of these friends? Or take a taxi?

My DDs and partners occasionally help me out - e.g. when I had surgery - and they do this willingly and unrequested; but I expect nothing from them other than that they should get on with their lives and enjoy themselves. I have no rights over their time. We do share time together, but there are no expectations on either side. We get together as and when we want to.

I think your Mum is being too demanding. She says she isn't but she is. I have never had a bust-up with any of my AC - we both respect the other.

@menopauseadventurer she has had a group of friends since she was in her 30s and they used to meet every week for drinks and still meet very regularly. The problem is that other women have come into the group , they go for walks , have joined the golf club etc and DM is all ‘that’s not for me’ and then complains she’s being left out. The weeks they do meet she gets annoyed when any of the husbands don’t offer her a lift home (she’s out of the way ) hence why I give her a lift. I want her to at least enjoy this.

. If she made the effort a daily walk is there for her with these women .

her brother used to call in weekly but stopped due to the sniping

This, absolutely.
@Happypoppies I would be way more than cranky if someone wasn't ready for an hour or more after the agreed time to meet. That's just downright rude, whoever it is.

Agree with @SavBlancTonight that you say you are happy to spend 11am-2.30pm doing whatever she wants, but you have to leave at that time as you have commitments to your tweenage DCs. And I'd add that if she's late getting ready to go out, that will shorten the amount of time she has as you aren't able to extend it at the other end.

That way you are being generous in allowing her to dictate the activity but also establishing your boundaries that your time is finite.

Why don’t you have a whole week where you don’t contact your mum? She then gets to see how little you do for her.

I think it would then be time to sit down with her and discuss how much you prioritise her and how much capacity you have going forward.

Sometimes people really need to have it pointed out to them what they are getting to make them appreciate it.

Is she on a bus route? My mum drives but goes almost everywhere on bus. She likes chatting to people and scenery.

That's lovely, practical advice from @MatildaTheCat . I'd take that, and be as kind as you can.

I'm watching my parents' life (especially my mother's) get smaller and smaller, as they move into their mid-eighties. They ask for nothing and are so glad when they see us ... It breaks my heart that we have so little time left, and I feel terrible that I moved so far away and can't see them as often as I should.

It's hard though, when you feel pulled in so many directions. Solidarity. 💐

It sounds as though she may be lonely and that’s why she’s difficult with family. Could it be that she sees everyone getting on with their busy lives and feels a bit left out, or that she feels she’s being squeezed in between other commitments ? Living alone at 70 is different from 35 and she may be feeling the effects of getting older and not being able to do the things she used to. You’ve obviously had a good relationship with her in the past and you do a lot for her now. Maybe have a quiet word and find out what’s at the bottom of it.

She’s on several really good bus routes - suburbs of a big city

If she lives on a bus route could she not get bus home from her weekly meet up? Or a taxi?

I think you already do a hell of a lot for her.

Some retired parents find it hard to get their heads round the fact that they are no longer the centre of their children's lives. It is down to them to expand their own lives. I am a widow now (and have longstanding mobility problems) and have had to make that very hard transition to finding new friends to do things with rather than relying on my AC. They understand that this is hard for me and are sympathetic and helpful - but they know that I am determined that I will not disturb their lives any more than is necessary. It feels important to me for them to know this.

I think your Mum is asking too much.

I have no doubt this is what is at the root of her behaviour. However she pulls away from any form of conversation or introspection and I think that at this age it’s difficult to change that mindset. It must be really difficult to suddenly have a life that was so full, now be so empty. No work, grandchildren older and therefore you spend less time with them. They are all valid feelings, however they are not unique and she needs to find some way through them

Please do not feel you are not doing enough! - you are!!

Heavens I wish I was on a bus route - I would be in it every day - save the petrol!

I’d definitely try and push for more I’ll meet you there type arrangements. I’ll meet you at cafe or park for a walk.
She is a burden if she’s expecting lifts from you and friend’s’ husbands when there’s a free bus.
My Mil sounds a lot like your mum. My dh finds it very hard to deal with. It’s never just as arranged it’s always can we stop here, can you drop me there. He limits contact as he can’t deal or sets very rigid plans I’ll meet you at x coffee shop but I need to leave at x time to collect dd from activity. She also falls out with people. It’s just her personality type.

Putting the visits aside, why can't she get cabs to evenings out with friends? Is it too expensive for her? Does she actually thank you for what you do?

So she’s lonely? That’s what it sounds like.

Yes I think so. But I suppose the question is around what more I can do to alleviate it. I think nothing more and I’m clearly not doing enough in her mind as it is

I can highly recommend moving 200+ miles away!

I feel for you, my DM has stopped driving and has limited mobility so if I don't visit she would be on her own, I visit 6 out of 7 days for a couple of hours a day. I also have an older teenager and partner who are pushed to the back of the queue when dealing with her. She enjoys going for a drive while I walk her dog and I shop at least 3 times a week for her.
She doesn't ask for me to go but is so isolated if I don't visit she would not see anyone. She also does not do groups, clubs etc. The guilt I feel is equal to the resentment I also feel

Is she perhaps lacking confidence too. If it was just simple loneliness then she’d join in with walks/golf or join wi or volunteer etc. If she says it’s not for her will she expand on why.

OP I bet you are in Ireland aren’t you? What did your mum do for her mum? Because I bet that is largely influencing her expectations of you.

I genuinely think you would really benefit from speaking to a counsellor who can help you establish some boundaries so that you can do things more in your terms.

Give her start/finish times for activities.

Call when you’re on your way to make sure she’s ready.

Explain to her that you do include her in things, but that you can’t always do things… what if you got run over by a bus?

Don’t do anything on a totally routine basis except when this suits you perfectly. So no daily phonecall, twice weekly drop in on certain nights, weekend visit at a particular time. Do this if you want to, but mix it up a lot more.

And just style it out. If you want to spend time with her, just block out her complaints. ‘well mum, this is the only time I have this weekend. ‘Sorry mum, Sarah has a football match tomorrow now so I’m taking her to that’. ‘Sorry we can’t go to the garden centre on Saturday mum, I’ve had a horrendous week at work and I need to hibernate at home for a bit’.

Genuinely also encourage your older DCs to join you in what you’re doing for her. Good for them, you and her.

But don’t be taken in by her giving you the fear/obligation/guilt treatment. You’re allowed to give whatever of yourself that you do, or don’t want to give.