Or was my DM re day out

[Happypoppies]

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

Can you find a way to involve her more…? Not sure what. Fake a role?

@Happypoppies I think you know you're not being unreasonable. There is obviously a lot of others who have reduced contact or who she has fallen out with. To me she sounds not selfish but self-absorbed. Seeing things only in terms of her own point of view. The sniping and negativity and inflexibility is what will hold her back with others. What strikes me is what you say about her begrudging your children phoning when with her. Some people think the amount of hassle you undertake for them is equivalent to how much you care. As opposed to thinking how can we make this as easy as possible for everything so we all have the best time and take the caring more for granted.

My question is why she resents your kids being in contact when you are with her (is it because it interrupts your conversation all the time?). Can't you have family time that isn't you taking her places and doing things for her? If she feels uninvolved, can't she come round and join in a bit?

Do you think she's got into a bit of a negative mindset in general and that is what stops your brother and others wanting to see her weekly now? I'm not sure how you would tackle this. It's a problem I imagine many people have. A gentle discussion perhaps. But you can cut out the feeling guilty if you do things differently from her or don't want to hover around garden centres or if you can't give up all of your weekend to do what she wants to do. Perhaps being on your own with her is more tricky. Can she come to watch any of the kids' activities to feel more part of the action?

Sorry - her brother I mean.

Most people I know who are 75 are not this needy! YANBU.

makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends

I don’t think I’d even be doing this! What time do you have to turn out every week to collect her?!

Sounds to me like shes lonely, this is why shes not ready on time, its a manipulation of your time.
It sounds like she was a big part of it as a child minder to your children, as shes no longer required and probably feels like surplus to requirements, shes got too much time on her hands.
Does she have a hobby knitting or anything?
Do your elder children go visit, or is she too far away, can you or husband fetch her to yours let her be around the family even if downstairs watching tv, shes around company.
I think a lot of you sound very mean, remember your turn will come.
I live alone after my husband passed away its very very hard, too much time to think.
I retrained and got a part time job, also look after my grandchild.
Is it possible for her to volunteer perhaps in a second hand shop or something, i know of others that have done this on a Saturday afternoon and now have a new lease of life.
Be kind, please.

It’s ok OP, you absolutely are not being mean, and you are being kind.

I put YABU although I don't think you are actually being unreasonable per se, more than I think retired people (especially ones who live alone) often seem to lose all sense of what a really busy schedule is and so I don't think she was deliberately being a pain. Just as it's quite hard for someone in the maelstrom of family life or work to imagine being retired, I think they often genuinely find it hard to recall what it was like being occupied in the way you are. So many of the retired people I know constantly talk about how busy they are - and I think genuinely believe this - but what they mean is on Tuesday they go to their exercise class, on Weds they're having lunch with Phil, on Thurs they want to go to a concert and on Friday the man is coming to fix the doorbell. So it's a number of different things to remember/get to/be there for, but each day is not at all busy in the sense that someone with a job or dependents would mean it (most hours are busy). My mum used to spend her whole work day juggling tonnes of meetings and family life and extracurriculars, now a year into retirement her health hasn't really changed but she now thinks it's a massively busy day - and is tired afterwards - if she has a doctor's appointment and then meets someone for a coffee for example.

I DO realise that some retired people maintain an extremely full schedule by choice or otherwise, btw, before anyone jumps on me.

Sorry to be long-winded, I suppose what I mean is I can see why your mum's behaviour is really annoying (and ungrateful) but she may just not really "get" what your life is like, and see you trying to get away to do essential pickups as you being "rude".

needless to say, you arent'!

Well OP quite obviously you are not being UR, but of course you know this or you would not have posted in here.
This only leaves one person.

My mother was always nasty op. You reap what you sow I think. I dont want to be around negativity. So short visits from me. You can only do so much for family. She negative in company people get sick of that)

@VerveClique Not in Ireland but Irish descent so the guilt gene is strong 😀

Reminds me so much of my mother who has no concept of other people’s time or lives, she just thinks everyone is there to serve her needs. You have my sympathies.

My MIL is great for coming to the activities, getting involved. My DM has no interest. DS was in a final at the weekend , she didn’t ask how it went so really isn’t interested.

She was very involved but as the kids got older this has abated. I did try to have her back ‘watching’ the kids the days I was in the office but she was quite difficult with my DH working from home. She just nitpicked everything he did or didn’t do so it had to stop.

This. You see her absolute loads (way too much). Take a mahoosive step back - you’ll be happier.

@WitcheryDivine This is a factor definitely - I think DM doesn’t remember and both her parents were dead by the time we were in primary school and had short illnesses. She really didn’t have anyone beyond us to ‘care’ for. And in those days of course, activities were less of a thing. We just roamed the streets and went back to Ireland for holidays

I'm reading your thread, @Happypoppies - it resonates.

My mother was similar and drove me to near mental breakdown and I had to pull away for my children's sake (they were only primary school age, and my ExH had walked out on us). Then I went to speak to a therapist about the emotional implications.

It still hurts so much and the guilt is there always simmering. But she'd have finished me off.

My brothers have inherited her now, having been so incredibly casual about all the life sacrifices I was making to keep her sweet, and they don't like it and blame me.

Nightmare.

Pollykitty same here god its exhausting....

Definitely think the meeting her there idea is good since she has the local busses. Mum I’ll meet you at X coffee shop Saturday 11am for lunch. Ring her to remind her on the morning. Don’t forget mum we have coffee today see you at 11am love ya.

yes yours still running around with her but she has to put in just a little bit of effort. If she doesn’t arrive at 11am and you’ve checked and say she’s not left the house then cancel and genuinely cancel. Oh ok mum we’ll let try again on Y day. See you Tuesday when we go shopping.

My and the children are going to Y shopping, do you want to come join us? Meet you there 1pm, that way you can still get your jobs done with the children even but she’s got the option to join.

That way your always still making plans but if they don’t materialise it’s because she’s not bothered not you. When she tries oh you never xyz you can say oh mother we was going to do this Tuesday but you didn’t arrive, Thursday I invited you to join me for Y but you said no. Your always welcome don’t be so silly.

@pollykitty @Mary46 It’s hard isn’t it. I love her, want to do right by her and have a nice relationship but it’s just not going to happen unless I make her my number 1 priority and with a job , husband and kids , that’s impossible. She’s up there but it isn’t enough

@Happypoppies She sounds a bit trickier maybe than your original post. You said she'd do anything for anyone but it seems like she does a lot of griping and complaining about trivial things, is that right? This maybe wears people down? Again, I'm not sure how you get her out of this. It sounds a little like a kind of resentment. Perhaps she feels that life dealt her a blow back in the past could it be that?

My only other thought is somethign quite different. That you don't try and talk to her about her feelings, but you talk about yours. That you feel run off your feet and pulled in a lot of different directions and like you have no time to breathe. Could she be helpful to you by doing x and y? Whilst that sounds demanding, sometimes people really respond to being more necessary and it sounds like she was very helpful to you with your children in the past, but as that need fades, she is sinking a little. People can like a purpose and to feel helpful. I know you said she enacts a price for help, so maybe not the right approach. But at least talking about your feelings and you don't have to make it about her at all, just in terms of feeling a bit under pressure at this stage of life. It might help you feel a bit better. Whatever you decide to do, remember you can't solve everything for everyone. People do have to find their own motivations sometimes and you deserve time to yourself and time to relax also without being at everyone's beck and call.

@menopauseadventurer I think definitely trying to get her to help us would be great. Sometimes I think she likes to be here with the kids so I ask her up to help when we are both in the office but she’s made a couple of comments around ‘sure why would they need me’
one of DC go up for sleepovers in granny’s every couple of weeks, but they have been the target of some of her crankiness so they are not inclined to go up as much as they would normally. I also don’t want to make them because I really feels it teaches them the wrong lesson - when someone is mean to you just go back for more (I appreciate the irony of me doing just this !)

I feel for you, she sounds immature, self-centered, and petulant. Maybe enforce boundaries, as in “we’d have time to go to the garden center if you’d been ready at 11, but it is too late now.” and then just refuse to take her. She’ll soon get the message or she will get angry and try to punish you by withdrawing and thus putting less pressure on you. Win-win either way.

OP I completely feel your pain. My DFather is difficult and also routinely falls out with people. He never examines his own behaviour. It’s always everyone else who is at fault. I have taken a step back from the relationship a bit as I find him only tolerable in short bursts. He has been on his own for more than 20 years now and he is the centre of his universe. I organised a lovely birthday long weekend away for him (as I am aware I don’t do much for him week to week and I do feel a bit guilty). I booked a big holiday house and invited extended family. We all took time off work. Drove a few hours. I had a private chef come and cook for us. Booked Sunday lunch. I had a special cake made for him (very niche!!!). He didn’t say thank you. In fact he went about his day demanding we all stopped what we were doing to serve him! Stop making breakfast for the children and pour him a cup of coffee. (Errr the mugs are there. The cafetière of coffee is right in front of you!!). Make his cereal. Fetch his phone. Tie his shoelaces….. He’s 75 not 95!!! He lives on his own and is perfectly capable. He likes being looked after. He likes feeling special. And if we refused he got angry and shouted at us. He didn’t lift a finger. Didn’t wash up a plate or tidy anything away. He ruined the holiday. He shouted at everyone. He was rude, demanding and ungrateful. I won’t bother again. My brother was ready to leave after 2 days. My brother is lovely!!! But he had enough. We all spent £100s. He didn’t say thanks for organising all this. Didn’t thank anyone for coming. Failed to understand that shouting at people isn’t acceptable.
I’m guessing your DM is much easier and nicer than my DF, but I think you’re well within your rights to set boundaries. She doesn’t have to like them. They’re for you, not her.

This will only get worse as she becomes older and frailer. What are her plans for coping as she ages and is able to to do less?
You need to start prioritising your DH and DC. This is the prime of your life and they come first. My DM ended up on BP medication and antidepressants running round after my GM. It soured their relationship permanently.
Start backing off slowly and set a precedent for the future. She can get taxis for a start. Start seeing a little less of her. It's not the end of the world if all her wants aren't met and if she's not proactive in seeking external socialisation then her being lonely is just unfortunate.

Yes it just gets worse. She 80s.. i lost my rag lately told her we all busy and we work too. Bustylaroux its all about them lol. I took step back as was get me down mentally with her crap. But then she just rings the other daughter. Sigh