Or was my DM re day out

[Happypoppies]

Would appreciate some feedback on this as I think I’ve lost all perspective !!

So there is no drip feeding here is the context.
—DM alone for 35 years, in her 70s good health.
-Was a good mother and is a good grandmother, but hasn’t the best relationship with adult children - not bad , just prickly. When we had no children and commitment and more time, the relationship was much better. Lots of weekends away.
-Has fallen out with lots of family and friends , not in a dramatic way, she just takes offence at how she perceive she’s been treated, let’s them know and people tend to find it all just too much like hard work. This is hard for her as she would give her heart and soul to anyone and is very kind. It’s just that sometimes the price is high.
-I’m definitely feeling the stress of a busy life at the moment and am showing it, am highly strung right now.
-every year I would bring DM on hols abroad either with me on a city break for a few days or with the family as part of our holiday
-DM doesn’t drive and she isn’t demanding with lifts but makes it clear she wants to be brought to and from a weekly night out with friends (I do this) and usually a trip to hardware etc once a fortnight / a week so not onerous by any means

I am at the stage in life where with teens/tweens weekends are often spent ferrying to activities but I would still like to have DM over or take her for a coffee or lunch over the weekend. This would be on top of maybe 2 midweek short visits for a cup of tea.

This weekend I had arranged to call in at 10.30/11 and we would go for a walk / coffee and I had to be back to bring to afternoon football. When I arrived at 11, DM wasn’t ready and took an hour faffing around and then wanted to go to the garden centre so we were delayed, I was under pressure and cranky and DM pissed off at me for rushing her. I was home at 2.30 so 3 and a half hours all in.
This is a very regular occurance, you arrange for a coffee but she doesn’t want just that, it’s a day or nothing.

We’ve had a massive bust up where she ended up shouting at me saying she asks for nothing and isn’t a burden and how other people (my SIL) don’t have a problem doing things for their mothers. I shouted back that I just wished she could be on time and understand there are other commitments. It was bad tempered.

I think I’ve let my general stress levels make my mother feel like a burden - have I or is she demanding too much ?

She’s demanding too much. You’re an adult with your own life. A visit once a week is sufficient. Send her a text and explain how you feel so it doesn’t get heated.

Your DM is old, cantankerous and lonely. She loves you and wants you to want her around all the time. Everything she is doing is coming from a place of feeling sad.

With that in mind, let the nonsense wash off you. She was a good mum, now she's a grumpy old lady. Don't let her run your life and free time, but know she isn't doing this deliberately.

Was there a reason she never learned to drive?I have found with relatives and friends some who don’t drive have unreasonable feeling of entitlement to lifts.What they save in not maintaining a car would easily cover the cost of a few taxis.

I read a very useful phrase on here once, I don’t remember who posted it. “You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” You have to protect your own health and happiness and sanity because no matter how much you give her it won’t be enough and in any case her happiness or lack thereof is simply not your responsibility. Decide what you can cheerfully manage to offer her and do that, and no more. She’s only going to get more demanding as she ages, and if you’re already there practically every other day you’ll be completely burnt out by the time she’s actually frail and elderly and genuinely needs you.

Sendinh hugs OP! And YY to @Theturtlethatcried .

Get her talking about her own mother as she aged. And about her childhood. Se if you can start some kind of self reflection going on. She's not unlike my DM by your accounts. The problem with being kind and generous - also because sometimes they are fun or interesting etc - is you end up as their last person, when others have bailed, and the intensity just tightens up around you. It's bloody miserable.

I think she has got herself into a downward spiral and some of the responses I can understand.

She is I would say incredibly lonely and the days are long and she probably looked forward to visits from her children but from her point of view when you do visit they are perfunctory and turn into a military operation. They come with a start and end time and a schedule because you have other people and things going on in your own life.
Your brother popping in once per week. I know it sounds strange but that would annoy me. It comes across as duty and part of a schedule and not because he wanted to be there.
She probably feels a bit of an outsider in your life and presumably you were very close growing up and maybe wants to have a time when she can get back to that closeness except you start the visit with telling her when you need to leave by

I know she probably is massively unreasonable where her demand for lifts and her expectations of people ferrying her around is but I sort of can understand why she is so snippy with everyone.
I can sort of see where it has come from.

She probably feels that she made time (probably when she could ill afford to) for people when they needed help but now when she is struggling everyone is too busy for her

Its like you were fine when you needed childcare but now you don’t then she has outlived her usefulness.

A bit late now but is there any reason why she didn’t learn to drive?

YANBU @Happypoppies , if you've got other things you need to do, then you've got other things to do.

But on the other hand, you could say 'I have to go by 2 o'clock' or whatever, then go on time. She can't argue with that, or if she does she'll hopefully soon stop it, or it'll make no odds as you will still be doing what she needs to do.

'I have to be home by 2pm so you'll need to be ready when I arrive.' And if she isn't then you go home at the allotted time either way.

You're not doing and wouldn't be doing anything wrong by honouring other commitments you have with time to spare.

she probably feels a bit of an outsider in your life

Well then she's well and truly BU as OP is seeing her several times a week.

OP, have these 💐 - it’s rough when you’re spread too thinly and feel like you’re being pulled in all directions.

I love my DM, she’s been a great DM and DGM to my one DC. I know she loves me and would give me anything and the feeling is mutual - but bloody hell, it’s draining when their world shrinks and they have too much time on their hands and become selfish.

DM was widowed 4 years ago and now has limited mobility due to various cancers and surgeries. She’s only early 70’s but has aged a lot since losing DF and being so ill. I know it’s a medical wonder I still have her at all, but I. AM. TIRED.

I split from my cheating ex-husband 3 years ago, so live with my young teen and dog, have a job and a life of my own, including a lovely boyfriend. Mom needs driving to any medical/hospital/physio appointments - for a while last year it was 3 or 4 appointments per week. Luckily I can work flexibly, but taking her anywhere takes a long time as she walks very slowly and refuses to use a wheelchair now. I take her shopping once a week, it’s 4-5 hours to go pick her up (15 mins away), go around a couple of supermarkets and get her home again. I feel like I’m constantly rushing from one place to another and trying to make up time with work. And DM doesn’t get it. She complains that she never sees me and when I express surprise because I see her a minimum of twice a week (physio appt and shopping trip) she says that it’s because I’m always dashing off somewhere - erm, yes, because I’m busy. She wants me to go and sit in her house with her all day, but I don’t have the time or the inclination. I’m Perimenopausal and tired and fed up. We speak in the phone each day and whenever I go to her house there’s always a list of jobs for me to do or things for me to sort out. It’s never done, there’s always more.

I took a bit of a step back last year when I realised that no matter what I did it would never be enough. I’m sorry that she’s lonely but I can’t fill her life up and make her happy. Every little problem she has becomes my problem to fix, immediately. I still do my best, but try to be much more forgiving of myself and let her complaining and expectations wash over me more, as the stress of life made me unwell. Medication helps. Saying “Sorry Mom, I can’t do that because I’m working and have a meeting that can’t be changed” helps a bit. Saying “Oh, you’ll have to get a taxi to that appointment because I’m in X place that day” helps a bit. Wine also helps sometimes!

This has turned into a bit of a vent - which also helps!

You did what was a lovely thing and it obviously cost a fortune.

But is it what your dad wanted?

You say you feel guilty because you don't see him as much as you should - but if that's what he wants, all the bells and whistles won't make up for him feeling lonely.

(Not saying it's your job to be his social life btw)

I am past caring now if my DF feels like I’m only doing my duty. That’s the truth. He isn’t appreciative when me or my DB go out of our way. I know it’s not about doing something nice for someone so they can shower you with gratitude, but it’s nice to feel like someone appreciates a bit of effort. So my DF now resorts to making my DB and I feel guilty. He slags my DB off behind his back and I am sure he does the same about me behind mine. He was a terrible father growing up. Has been self centred, aggressive and demanding all my life. I feel no guilt really.

Also some older people make a thing out of being cantankerous, cranky or whatever… it’s totally not on and they need to be called out on it!! It’s often just bloody unpleasant and rude… and a bad habit to boot!!

@Kennykenkencat I think that is exactly how she feels - she feels used and discarded but she hasn’t been. Life has just changed. I can’t stop the kids growing up so she can feel more useful. I encourage them to spend time with her but she’s not exactly great company when she’s sniping . It’s a vicious circle really

YANBU it’s a lot

Hate the crap on here they wont be around forever. Im sick of self absorbed elders!! I had my own health stuff lately and she just had to do her own stuff. You get 0 thanks running yourself ragged.

Agree Verve. All about me lol. Sorry just sick of it now.

Nanny0gg I hear what you’re saying but yes he was absolutely delighted to be taken away. Posted all over SM about it. Kept telling all his friends. He loves being made a fuss of. And he loves showing all his friends how his kids like to spoil him. It’s a status thing. I have limited time as a full time job and two DC and I study in my spare time. I could make more time for him but I don’t want to if I’m honest. He is very difficult and upsets me and other people a lot. I have done more in the past but it doesn’t stop him from shouting at me and complaining about me. He talks over me and everyone else constantly. Isn’t interested in my life at all. He is rude to people all the time (I have to apologise to serving or retail staff all the time). He demands more attention than my children!! He is bored if he isn’t the one talking so he’ll say “shut up, shut up” and wave his hand at you to stop you mid sentence so he can talk about what he wants to talk about!! He gets angry when people disagree with him. If I ask him why he’s done something he shouts at me for “challenging him”. I went round the other day to help him with something and we were talking and before long he started shouting at me! I left. He started sending me nasty texts. I ignored. He enjoys confrontation. I hate it.

So I don’t really care what he wants. It’s never good enough and he always manages to make me shit. I put boundaries in place to protect myself. So many of us feel like we owe our parents. And we do. But that doesn’t give them the right to treat us like shit.

And he’s actually quite active and busy socially. If I do see him it’s quite difficult to find a mutual time! No it’s not about being lonely. For him it’s so he can tell his friends about what his children do for him. How often they come round. There’s an almost competitive edge to it. A boasting about how good and doting the kids are.

OP I'm not suggesting your mother has intrinsic narcissistic personality disorder, but she IS behaving in many of the same ways, because she has at least some elements of the disorder and as people age they tend to become a more hardcore version of the person they always were. Therefore I recommend these for you to read:

Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse: Amazon.co.uk: Morningstar, Dana: 9780999593516: Books

Out of the FOG

(FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

Earlier you said that however much you do for her it's never enough. It wouldn't be enough if you moved in 24/7 unless you were also at her beck and call without complaining 24/7. So you could actually take a step back. As far as her attitude is concerned, nothing would have changed.

F

Just one thought for some of you struggling. If a person gets things, attention or things they want through guilt, it's not in their interests to let you know you're good enough or done enough even though they love you and know this. So that feeling of "I can never do enough". Well yes, that's how it works. Realising this might be somewhat releasing. Because you literally can't do enough. It's also worth bearing in mind some people do this even though they are not lonely and unhappy because it's just the way the relationship works. They may not be conscious of it.

Some of you, like the OP, seem to be struggling with the feeling or expectation that it's up to you to make your parent happy. It's distressing knowing your parent isn't totally happy. Or might be lonely or even depressed. As anyone dealing with the moods of another knows, it's not really possible to make another person happy.

Noone has mentioned things like depression. Is it possible that the OP's mother is down or depressed? Perhaps it's worth thinking that through also.

But if she needs more in her life, she needs to create that for herself. The line about OP being in the prime of her life and therefore should be prioritising husband and children made me spit my tea. Come on. Why does the OP have to prioritise everyone else all the time. Husband and children! What about herself? She's her own person and her needs are important! She's in the prime of her life, she should be living it and enjoying it! It's great for children to see their mothers are their own person not just putting them at the absolute centre of everything. OP should have her own interests, hobbies, downtime, relaxation. Life is interesting and to be embraced, and having a mother who embraces life and pursues interests is great as a child also. Plus it doesn't recreate the situation of the OP and her mother, who seems to feel a bit lost now she has emerged from the full-on years and has a lot more time on her hands.

Just because someone has visitors or is in a large group doesn’t mean they can’t feel lonely.

@menopauseadventurer Interesting post and the one thing this whole experience with my DM has taught me is that I need to have lots of different outlets and cultivate interests and groups of friends. I am putting in that work now so that when my life is less ‘busy’ I have other outlets to fall back on.

It’s funny but a good friend of mine (also Irish parents!) is having a similar experience because her DM also looked after her kids (also paid as a childminder) and they have gotten older so the grandmother is at a loss and angry about the ‘rejection’ and loss of income.
In retrospect I’m not sure grandparents childminding grandchildren is a good idea, unless the grandparents are well able and prepared to deal with the end of that arrangement

Very true @Kennykenkencat My DM is a real case in point here