Cousins hanging out at grandparents house

[Energydrink]

My brother (38) lives with my parents since his relationship with his ex broke down several years ago. That is not an issue as the house is more than large enough for everyone to have their own space. My brother has a son who is 9 and a step daughter who is 13.

He travels to his ex several times a week to assist with school run etc and has his son two weekends a fortnight and his step daughter occasionally with his son during holidays ( not an issue - he has been in her life since she was a toddler and calls him dad etc).

I still have my room at my parents house. Although, it is decorated to accommodate the 'style' of my husband and my DD who is 3. We rarely stay over apart from Christmas or if we are going on holiday as my parents are closer to the airport. I do visit my parents every Sunday - I enjoy this, my daughter enjoys this and my husband dips in and out depending on his mood.

The issue is, whenever my nephew (and 'step' niece on occasion) is there the kids all play nicely in the living room, in my old (now shared) room and in the garden etc. Basically, they get the run of the whole house. They play with my daughters toys but never share their own.

They will randomly decide in the middle of play or family time to hang out in their bedroom ( my brothers kids have their own room which is always messy and my brother has his own room which is always messy). What bugs me is that my DD is not allowed to go to their room ever. My brother even tries to stop her from going upstairs (which has more than just his bedroom(s).

I know my DD does not have a free pass to their bedroom, but i find it so exclusionary when they stop playing abruptly and she goes to follow her cousins and gets told by her uncle that she is not invited. There is no effort to redirect his kids. For example, yesterday they wanted to watch Sing 2 in the bedroom - so off they went, and my DD was in the garden playing football by herself until i joined her.

His reasoning is that the room is messy - but it has apparently been messy for 3 years! he doesn't mind his kids occupying her space and using her things but the favour is not returned and I hate the fact that she does not get the same free reign of her grandparents home as his kids.

When my DD has play dates at my brothers ex's house the play dates seem so much more fairer - when their mum is in charge. I feel like I need to cut grandparent visits down to the weekends when my niece and nephew are not in attendance so that my DD does not feel left out. To add, it is my brother who stops DD from going upstairs not her cousins

SO
IABU - DD needs to suck it up. Your brother has every right to restrict access to the rooms.

YANBU - It is out of order and you are right to cut down on grandparent visits in order to protect DD's feelings.

Because the parents are obviously a pushover. I mean the absolute entitlement. The brother is still entitled to privacy in his room as are his kids. Your turn

YABU

I actually think that kids should have their own space and if they’re fortunate to have their own room then it’s ok that no other children go in it when there are plenty of other spaces available.

This is their dads home and therefore their home, not yours or your DDs.
The fact that it’s with the grandparents doesn’t matter and the same rules should apply in anyones home.

I think a teen should also not be responsible for a 3 year old and have them in their bedroom with no adult supervision.
And maybe your DB thinks this too.

It isn’t nice that they just drop DD but there is a massive age gap and I do think these rules don’t apply as much when it’s family.

It seems the 3 year old isn’t having much adult supervision which is what I’d be more annoyed about.

Then that's something he needs to bring up with his parents.

But it's not fair that OP expects her 3yo toddler to be allowed in the bedrooms of her brothers older children.

Because the parents are obviously a pushover. I mean the absolute entitlement. The brother is still entitled to privacy in his room as are his kids. Your turn

I think it's more entitled to think staying with your parents, plus having children to stay every other weekend works as a long term solution is more entitled than thinking your child should be able to go upstairs in her grandparents home, but ok.

Your dc is 3, I thought you were speaking about a much older child. Seems like you have the issue more than your dc. Maybe the kids have complained to their dad. I can't imagine why a teen would want to play non stop with a toddler.

So you think the parents should run their decisions by OP before making them? It literally doesn't matter what any of us think. It's up to the people who live in the house.

The more I think about it the more I think that I’d never leave a 3 year old unattended with a 9 or 13 year old especially not the 9 y/o, even if I was just downstairs.

So your DD is always there when the cousins visit (she is there every Sunday, they are there 2 out of 4?)

I mean it sounds entirely likely that, charming as your DD is, the older kids just want their own space and, being young themselves, don't have the social graces to say 'thanks but no thanks' and so just up and leave. This does not sound strange at all - in fact, hanging out in their bedrooms is entirely normal.

Perhaps your DB is advocating for them (albeit awkwardly).

You are visiting on a playdate. They are at home (because it's where their dad lives).

They sound like nice kids to play so much with your LO. How lovely to have such attentive cousins.

Quite a lot of that seems to be stuff you’ve made up tbh? OP said nothing about his relationship with his ex. In fact it was herself she said still has play dates with her. All we know about him is that he lives with his mum and dad, has two rooms there both of which are in a permanent state of mess (pretty disrespectful way to treat someone else’s house in my book), that he has his kids - and they’re both his kids if he’s allowing the eldest to see him as their dad - EOW plus some school runs (which is a bare minimum), and that he tries to be more restrictive with his mum’s guests re access to that same mum’s house than his mum herself would prefer. So far so pathetic in my book.

So you think the parents should run their decisions by OP before making them? It literally doesn't matter what any of us think. It's up to the people who live in the house.

And two of the people that live in the house, the actual homeowners no less, say she can go upstairs.

Going upstairs doesn't equal going in to their rooms.
Maybe she has toys and books in the room that's set up for them when they stay?

I said earlier on, perhaps he takes on the role of the bad guy by saying she can't go in to their room because that's their code for them needing a break. That's one thing. To say she can't go upstairs, when actually as long as she stays out of the bedrooms that they are using is nothing to do with him, is another.

Exactly! What a horrible comment. Sounds like he's doing an alright job to me.

I wasn't aware that having a "proper, full-time house" makes you a better parent. What a wanky thing to say.

Manufacturer instructions say no under 5s but can you imagine one doing a seat drop or back flip and breaking your child's leg or worse.

If you really want dd to be able to go upstairs, then maybe you could go with her, staying with her the whole time, minding her and entertaining her, but without going into her cousins' rooms or disturbing their activities? But that would presumably just be a hassle - easier for you all if she just isn't allowed upstairs when the cousins are up there and then you (and the other adults) can entertain her downstairs while her cousins are doing something else.
Also I see that you say that you might change the arrangements so that your dd does not feel 'left out'. I would just double check by observing her to figure out if that is really what she would prefer. I just remember with my own toddlers that they did not seem to have the same feelings and concern for their status etc as adults do... She might really enjoy the play with the cousins while they are in the mood, and then it might be you as the adult who sees their leaving as a 'slight' rather than just the end of the fun. Maybe you could get into a routine of a particularly fun game that she plays with mummy at that house after the cousins disappear?

But your brothers kids aren't having your dd over

They haven't asked her to come play with them

You're their to see your parents. They just happen to be there at the same time. So of course its not rude if they get fed up and want to go up to their rooms, alone.

They're not there to play with your kid. They're there to see their dad and gp.

You could ask your brother why he doesn't want her up the stairs hut id imagine it's so his kids can get some peace!

I wasn't aware that having a "proper, full-time house" makes you a better parent.
What a wanky thing to say

Agreed.
It's ridiculous that a parent who has, with the support of his parents, ensured he has appropriate living accommodation for him and his children and can maintain a consistent parenting role is being attacked for not having his own house and wanting to give his children space in their home.

But OP, who has her own home and her own child, is apparently reasonable for visiting her brother and parents in their home and demanding that her 3 year old can go everywhere.

I'd be embarrassed if I was arguing my 3 year old child should have free reign in anyone else's house.

The way the op is I doubt they would say what they feel ....I'd imagine them being coerced into but don't be mean, she's only little, you like her don't you etc. Your DS is in his home with your teenagers if you've taught them to allow free access that will be normal to them regardless of how they feel it's just what we expect....interesting your room is out of bounds why?

My kids love playing with their 3/4 yo cousins.

But if they wanted to go upstairs without them I wouldn't force them to take them, especially not if the cousins had come to my house to see someone else

They also, when they were young, loved going to visit my sister.

My nephews (teens) did not want them upstairs. So they didn't go upstairs

9/13 year old toys are not necessarily suitable to be shared with a 3 year old. Although at least at 3 she should be past the risk of swallowing small pieces, she may handle things more roughly than intended and cause damage. Lots of people make sure that older children's toys are not accessible to younger visitors, and the simplest way is usually to make sure they're in their bedrooms and the younger ones don't go there.

If you've only got one child, you've perhaps not experienced the situation where a younger child breaks the older ones toy, or lego model, or something like that. They've usually not intended any harm, but you end up with tears from both.

If they want to do something that's in the bedrooms and include your DD, perhaps they can be encouraged to bring whatever it is downstairs.

And if they did say anything in front of you what would your reaction genuinely be especially if your child wanted to go with them? Would you honestly be saying sure that's fine no sweetie play with mummy? Because nothing you've said sounds like you would be so understanding.

See, I think living in your mum’s house, having your kids there every other weekend, keeping both rooms a mess and causing tension with other guests against your mum’s wishes constitutes neither appropriate accommodation nor consistent parenting.

Op isn’t territorial, her brother does that!! If he behaves like this then it’s clear why he has an ex wife. Why can’t he buy his own place……

@MiddleParking Adults don't usually need parenting. Although I get your point, it does sound a lot like sibling rivalry.

It sounds like a bit of a turf war to me. OP says she still has her own room there, and turns up every time the other gc and step-gc are there. She sounds like she’s marking her territory.

At 9 or 13 I would have dutifully played with a small cousin for a while, but for hours on end? And then following me upstairs? Noooooo!!

I completely agree!

It would be different if they invited her over and then ignored her but you are going to see your parents.

You should not be expecting a 9 and 13 y/o to entertain your DD when you should be the one supervising her.

I take the view that it's important that children have a bedroom at both parents houses, if their parents are separated. They should feel they belong in their father's home, and that his home is their home too. Because your brother lives with his parents, they have a room that's theirs at your parents house. They have every right to some privacy in their room, away from a three year old, of that's what they want. They don't need to host, it's not really rude if they don't want her to be with them in their room. Yes they can socialise downstairs in the living room or wherever, but when they're in their room, I don't think it's rude to want to be left alone. They're teenagers, that's what they're like!